How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight (4 page)

Exorcism is the final stage of your diet. When you've reached your target weight, or perhaps your house is surrounded by incensed villagers with pitchforks, give your local Crapper Clinic a call and we'll fix you up with an exorcist of your choice.

We have exorcists of all denominations, and every possible orientation. And we have exorcism ceremonies to match all pocketbooks. You can have the event catered ... even filmed, or you could have a quiet exorcism in your own home. It's up to you.

But is it dangerous?

Some people — the Skeptical, the Cruel, the Uninformed and the Mean-spirited (SCUM for short) — like to spread LIES about exorcisms, painting the process as dangerous and excruciatingly painful. I expect they say the same about childbirth. In a way that's what exorcism is — the birth of the new, slimline you.

And it's an entirely natural process — a few incantations, a little salt, an encouraging word or two. It's NOTHING to be frightened of as long as you use a board-certified exorcist. At Crapper Clinics ALL our exorcists have been certified. Some more than once!

Visit our website at www.CrapperClinics.con to view our latest list of exorcists sorted by:

Denomination:

Anglican

Roman Catholic

Martian Catholic

Wiccan

Latter Day Charismatic Anabaptist Hussite Alliance (non aligned)

Santerian

LaVeyan Satanist

Demonic (various)

and Orientation:

Head facing forward

Head facing backward

No head

NEW to Crapper Clinics! From next year you'll be able to keep in touch with your old demon via Possessed Reunited (www.fiendsreunited.con) a website run by Crapper Clinics.

As I mentioned earlier, at Crapper Clinics we don't talk about side effects. We talk about side features, because that's what they are — opportunities. The ‘glass half empty' person whines and threatens to sue everyone in sight, but the ‘glass half full' person thinks ‘Paralympic gold medal!'

We LOVE the ‘glass half full' person.

But to be fair and balanced and NOT AT ALL one-sided, here are a few side features of possession we're legally obliged to tell you about.

Temporary Physical Changes

During possession, and sometimes for up to a week afterwards, some clients may experience ‘physical augmentation.' This is because some spirits and demons emit a morphological field which, in exceptional circumstances, can alter the physical appearance of the host.

Whoa, Brick, doesn't that sound scary?

Not if you say it quickly.

And often this is a GOOD thing. Various parts of your body get bigger — who hasn't wanted that?

It's true that some get smaller, and some may change places, but who HASN'T wanted an arm on their kneecap to save bending down to tie shoelaces?

Or feel the waft of cooling air on a hot summer day from a pair of REALLY large ears?

Okay, so occasionally this can be worrying. But this is what dark rooms were invented for! Go and hide away for a week with all the curtains drawn, and wait. After all, it's only a week, and when you emerge you'll be slim! And the right way up.

Dental Problems

Studies have shown that Projectile Vomiting can have a detrimental effect on tooth enamel. But don't despair! Crapper Clinics have dental plans to suit all budgets. We even have a ‘Sabre Tooth' top-up plan for those clients who pair with exotically toothed animals and need an incisor reduction.

Slight Coma

Accidents happen. Not at Crapper Clinics because we make sure that every host and demon are compatible. But, if the correct checks are not carried out, and the demon is incompatible, then the host — that's you — might lapse into a slight coma.

Note the word ‘slight.' This is NOT Persistent Vegetative State (not to be confused with the natural consequences of joining with the Angolan Carrot Demon or the Persistent Saucy State that follows joining with a Succubus). It's a temporary slight coma which a ‘glass half full' person recognizes as ‘going to sleep fat, and waking up thin.'

Unexpected Presents

Sharing your body with some demons can be like sharing your house with a cat. You occasionally wake up to the remains of a dead vole on your carpet, but the BENEFITS of having the cat around OUTWEIGH the carcasses.

It's the same with being possessed. Yes, you might find pieces of your neighbor strewn across the lawn, but ... you're losing weight! I call this the ‘Lawn Half Empty' scenario. The negamist sees the body parts and thinks, REPERCUSSIONS! The posimist doesn't look out the window.

It's all a matter of perspective. And insurance. We recommend hosts take out the Crapper ‘Third Party Accidental Manslaughter' policy which will cover you against all likely charges — including cannibalism.

We also recommend ticking the Parentage Insurance option if you're thinking of choosing a sex demon or one of those crazy insectoid aliens. You might get lucky and fail a paternity test with your alien/human hybrid DNA, but courts take a dim view of people being tied up in a cocoon and having eggs implanted inside them.

While on the topic of the law, please take a minute to sign our online petition to have ‘Not Guilty by Reason of Possession' recognized as a valid plea in a criminal trial.

Guilt

Post-Possession guilt is fairly common. It's a bit like survivor guilt. You've survived. You're like ... REALLY thin and buff. And ... maybe a few people got killed.

Or eaten.

It happens.

Not very often, but — according to the out of court settlement I was forced to sign — I have to admit that occasionally it does.

So, what can I say?

Well, first off,
don't beat yourself up about it!
Move on. You weren't responsible. You weren't driving. You were the passenger. It's the same as if you were sitting in a car and your mother suddenly went berserk, swerved onto the sidewalk and wiped out a line of shoppers. Okay, she probably wouldn't have climbed out the car and eaten them all, but, even if she had, it still wouldn't be your fault!

At Crapper Clinics AfterCare we'll teach you how to seek out the positive. Okay, so you might have eaten one of your co-workers, but don't think GUILT, think BOOK DEAL and FILM RIGHTS.

Our AfterCare is TOTAL SERVICE which means we look after your mental AND your financial well being. We have a top Hollywood agent and publicist on staff ready to help turn your life around.

Ectoplasm Stains

Just how do you remove ectoplasm stains? They're not acid. They're not alkaline. They're not of this world.

Wait a minute, Brick. What IS ectoplasm?

Good question. It's a gauze-like substance that some spirits can cause to ooze from various orifices of your body.

I don't like the sound of that, Brick.

Which is why you should tick the ‘no ectoplasm' box on your application form.

But before you do, think carefully. Some spirits offer to call up dead relatives for you. This can be a fun way to spend an evening — having a good chat with the dear departed. But, to do so, most spirits insist on using ectoplasm to drape a physical form over your dead visitors. It makes the sessions more real.

But how do you get rid of the stains, Brick?

Easy. You use
Crapper's All-In-One Stain Remover
— perfect for ectoplasm, blood, brain matter, infernal goo, inter-dimensional ooze, sulfur, and gravy. If you need to remove evidence fast, reach for the Crapper. Even a CSI team won't find anything afterwards.

Spiritual Well Being

The Federal Government has passed one of those meddling laws they tack on to bills every now and then to secure the vote of some obscure politician with a bee in his or her bonnet. This one didn't like the idea of possession.

So ... by law I have to tell every applicant that possession carries a Government Spiritual Health Warning. And here it is:

Possession May Result in the Loss of Your Eternal Soul

Yeah, right.

1. Won't having a demon inside my body make me weigh more? I mean some of those demons are like HUGE!

Spirits don't weigh much at all. The human spirit, or soul, has been measured at 26 grams. That's less than an ounce! Even the REALLY big dinosaur spirits don't weigh that much. Why? Because studies have shown that the weight of the soul is proportionate to the size of the brain, not the body. And dinosaurs have really small brains. The same goes for demons. The heaviest spirit we've encountered — The Ancient One from Gargantua Prime - is still less than 5 ounces. And with that demon inside you, you'll lose more than 5 ounces in the first minute!

2. What if the demon doesn't want to leave when its time is up?

The demon will have no choice. Exorcism is 100% successful.

(This uses the industry standard definition of 100% as in: it's always successful, except when it's not — and those failures are excluded from the official figures because either the correct procedures weren't followed, there was an anomaly, or no autopsy was performed due to the medical examiner running away screaming.)

And at Crapper Clinics we only use accredited exorcists — professionals with a proven track record and up-to-date insurance.

3. Will I have blackouts when the demon takes control of my body? Or will I be awake and powerless to intervene?

Good question. Some clients prefer to black out, some like a front row seat. The important thing is to discuss this with your demon BEFOREHAND. This is why we stress the importance of choosing a COMPATIBLE spirit. Choose someone, or something, with similar likes and dislikes — someone you can get on with and won't put you in a situation you're uncomfortable with.

4. Will I still have free will?

See above. Some of the more powerful spirits will have the power to wrest control of your body away from you. That doesn't mean they will. As long as you buy your Possession Plan from a reputable company like Crapper Clinics, you'll be safe. All our demons are FDA (Federal Demon Association) approved, and they know they have to behave to stay on our list. Spirits love spending time in the physical world as much as you love having them help you lose weight. Not even a demon's going to jeopardize that.

5. Will I have GIANT, SAGGING FOLDS OF SKIN from all that superfast weight loss?

Not at Crapper Clinics. We have a skin cream to die for. It combines the skin tautening properties of Botox with the skin-munching powers of the Antarean Megaleech. And, as if that's not enough, all our exorcists are trained in the use of the Dyson Skin-O-Suction machine which not only removes excess skin, but can make it into a purse. Or, if there's enough, a pair of shoes as well.

6. Can you be possessed and stay happily married?

Of course. But remember you're inviting a stranger into your home ... and your bed. Make sure your significant other, your family, and your pets, are comfortable with that situation.

And talking of pets, remember that animals are generally more sensitive than we are when it comes to sensing spirits. Be prepared for them to treat you differently for the first day or so. And their eyes might turn red.