How I Lost You (19 page)

“Are you and Lucas having a fight?” I asked.

She sighed. “I don't know.”

“I am your father.” James's voice boomed from the speakers in his Darth Vader voice. No crackles or feedback accompanied it.

“He doesn't bring me my favorite candy. Or make me flowers from tape.”

She slipped behind the counter, reached over me, opened a drawer, and grabbed some birthday party brochures.

“Is that really what you want?” I asked softly.

She added the brochures to the display we had on the countertop. “No.” She stuck out her bottom lip. “Yes.” She made a raspberry noise with her tongue. “I don't know…maybe.”

“They're different guys,” I told her.

“And we're different girls.”

I pressed my lips tight and wiped down the counter with Windex and a paper towel as she reached for my Nerds and helped herself to some.

“Maybe that's not his style,” I said, and held out my hand. She dumped some candies in it. “He likes you,” I told her.

“His parents want to meet me,” she said, and stuck out her tongue and it was a little orange from the Nerds. “I am so not into that.”

“Why not?” I asked.

There was a stampede of feet as the first teams ran from the training room to the back to grab guns and paint. I spotted Levi and Lucas dressed in camo gear, heading for the bleachers to watch the first round.

“Have we met?” Kya asked. “I don't do parents.”

“But he likes you. He wants his parents to like you. It's not that big of a deal.”

“But—” she said.

“Butt.” I stuck my butt out and wiggled it.

She laughed. “You're not allowed to steal my moves.” She sighed then and watched with me as James walked around the outside of the arena going over the rules in a Star Wars voice. I loved how unapologetically nerdy he was. The first game began with a few loud pops and music from the speakers pumped out low so the players could hear themselves yelling over top.

“I don't want anything serious,” she said.

Levi jumped down from the bleachers and headed to the back to gear up, and he spotted me and waved. I waved back and a smile turned up the corners of my mouth.

“Look at you,” she said. “The opposite of nothing serious.”

Fireworks popped in my brain. I smiled in his direction even though he'd disappeared.

“I've never seen you like this before, Grace.”

I covered my mouth with my hand and blinked innocently.

“Remember…” She lifted her fingers up and crossed them over each other. “BBS.”

“Of course,” I told her, touching my lips, and the thought of kissing Levi sent goosebumps racing up my arms.

She rolled her eyes and jumped up on the stool. “So, you want to hang out later tonight?” Kya asked. “When you get home from work? I could bring over a movie. Or we could hang in your room and eat Nerds and ice cream?”

“Uh, I can't.” Boys shouted and shot at each other in the background.

She pushed her bottom lip out.

“Levi asked me to get something to eat with him after work.”

She scowled and part of me battled to invite her along but I fought the instinct. I wanted to enjoy time with Levi. Alone. I longed to attach myself to his lips again.

I walked closer and nudged her with my elbow. “We're going to the Festival tomorrow though. You, me, and James.”

She groaned as a flurry of shots blasted from the arena.

“You haven't forgotten and you are NOT getting out of this. We made the pledge and I reminded you.”

The Lavender pledge. Five years ago, James, Kya, and I promised to go to the Festival together every year, without anyone else. We'd each eaten a flower to seal the deal.

“Yeah. That was a long time ago. We were thirteen. And stupid.”

“Well. Now we're eighteen and stupid. Well, you and I are. James has never been stupid a day in his life. But that's beside the point. We made a promise. We're going.”

“James has been stupid.” She jumped off the stool. “Is Levi coming?” Her arm banged against the box of Nerds, it fell to the ground, and candies spilled all over the floor. She glanced at me. “Sorry.”

I stared at the colorful Nerds scattered on the floor and sighed. “It's okay. And no, Levi is not coming. Did I not just bring up the pledge?” I walked out from behind the counter toward the closet where Dad stored the cleaning supplies.

She sat down again and watched me while I swept the candies into a pile and then onto the dustpan.

“I'm worried about you,” she said as I knelt down.

“Why?” I stood and slid the candies into the trash. Putting my hand on my hip, I stared at her, not backing down.

“Just be careful,” she said.

“I could say the same thing to you. In a lot of ways,” I told her. In the background, James announced the end of the first round. Woots and whistles blasted the air.

Kya flicked back her hair and peered the other way, pretending to be interested in the activity in the arena.

“Guys are assholes,” she said. “Remember that.”

Unfortunately, she believed it was true.

“Not all of them. Levi's a good guy.”

“There've been stories. We'll see.” She leapt up and headed out toward the back. “I'll go see if your dad and Indie need any help.”

And then she was gone.

 

My heart fluttered with happiness and I put my hands in the air and twirled in a circle, even though Kya and James were dragging their feet a couple of steps behind me. The soothing scent of fresh lavender filled Main Street even more than usual. The smell lightened my mood and contributed to my dancing despite the growliness of my two best friends.

They couldn't ruin this for me today. My date with Levi had been wonderful, with lots of kisses to make up for lost time. I'd stayed up late dreaming of more.

The Lavender Festival was one of my absolute favorite things about summer in Tadita. Yes, it was hokey and old-fashioned. There were no fancy electronics or rides or games or flashy displays. But there was food and flowers and I loved every inch of it. Even the weather was cooperating with sunshine and no rain or dark clouds in sight.

As part of the festivities, almost everyone wore purple somewhere on their body. Even James wore a purple T-shirt. Kya had a purple boa wrapped around her neck and both of us wore awful purple feather earrings I bought us a few years ago. I rocked a pair of purple shorts that did absolutely nothing for my skin tone, but I didn't care.

Vendors were set up all over streets closed off to traffic. Jewelry. Crafts. And of course there were flowers. Flower displays everywhere. We passed a cotton candy vendor with no lineup and I stopped and bought the biggest bag of purple cotton candy they had. I ripped off a hunk and shoved it in Kya's mouth until she laughed, getting it all over her face and hands. James dug his hand in the bag and came out with half the spun sugar, smiling like a little boy.

“My kryptonite,” he said happily.

The sugar rushed to our brains and my grumpy friends loosened up a little.

“Look!” I yelled.

At the end of the street, there was a contest going on and a parade of dogs on leashes were wearing costumes and trotting in a circle with their owners. Some of the owners wore matching outfits. I spotted a Chihuahua dressed as Yoda. And a wiener dog bride.

“Ahhhh.” Even Kya laughed and pointed out her favorites. We howled when a huge sheep dog dressed as Princess Leia rounded up her back to take a gigantic poop in front of the judges. And then a dog dressed as Shrek mounted Yoda, and the little boy holding the leash yelled at the top of his lungs. The three of us cracked up again.

“So,” I said to Kya. “We're going to set James up with Chantelle. They will totally love each other. And get married and have babies.”

Kya glanced at James. “Hmm. Maybe.”

I giggled. “Look how red you are, James. Chantelle can't wait to meet you. I am so stoked.”

“Come on. Let's go to the barns to see the horses,” Kya said with a skip in her step. Her favorite part of the fair was horses wearing beautiful floral bouquets. Most of the horse owners offered free rides down Main Street.

The barns were past the Recreation Center where one of the ice skating areas was cleared to the concrete floor and used to display fair entries. We hadn't gone inside, but I knew from memory that rows and rows of tables would be set out, lined with entries for contests like best pie or best LEGO creation. Some would have ribbons on them. In eighth grade, I'd won the prize for my homemade flower planter and still had the cherry red ribbon pinned to the bulletin board in my room.

We waltzed past the Recreation Center and then James stopped at another vendor to buy a bag of fresh kettle corn. He walked backward in front of me to offer me a handful and turned quickly and I opened my mouth to warn him but there was a big thunk. I stopped and winced on his behalf. He'd walked straight into a pole. With his nose.

“Ouch.” He rubbed his nose and blood covered his hand.

Kya laughed. “Dude,” she said. “I think you dented that pole.”

“He's hurt.” I bumped her with my hip. “You okay?” I asked. We stopped walking and people veered around us. I took his arm and pulled him off to the side of the road. Kya followed behind us.

“I'm fine,” he said in a nasal voice, holding his nose.

“You're not fine.”

I took the popcorn bag from his other hand and saw that blood had dripped over the top. I wrinkled my nose up and tossed it in a nearby trashcan. Then I pushed James down so he was sitting on the curb. “You okay?” I sat down beside him and pulled off the hoodie I'd wrapped around my waist for later, when the sun went down. I handed it to James. “Press this to your nose.” He said no but his nose was bleeding and spilling over his hands.

“Go ahead, James, it's black. And old.” Not exactly true. I'd bought it at the beginning of the summer, but we didn't have anything else to sop up his blood with. I put it gently to his nose and he took it and held it there.

“Whoa,” Kya said, and plopped her butt on the other side of me. “You have a lot of blood for such a skinny guy,” she said to him.

“I can spare it,” he said without glancing at her.

“It's not like sperm, James. It doesn't grow back.”

“Sperm doesn't grow back. It takes two and a half months to mature in the body.”

“Now you're an expert on sperm too? Funny, 'cause it's not like you're exactly going around filling the women of the world with yours.”

He glared at her, the hoodie still pressed up against his nose. “Yet there you are, the original donor recipient.”

“Would you two shut up,” I said sharply. A woman holding young kids by their hands gave me a dirty look as she walked by.

Kya and James glanced at me, seemingly taken aback. Definitely not my Lavender Festival voice. “So not appropriate,” I said to them both. “And please don't talk about your sperm. That's gross,” I said to James.

“You have no idea how gross,” Kya said.

Pain radiated in my stomach. The two of them snarled at each other with something more than anger. It bordered on hate. I wiped away a bead of sweat, looking back and forth between them. “Guys. Come on. We're here to have fun.”

That mood was gone.

“He thinks he knows everything about everything,” Kya said to me. “He has a pole up his skinny butt. A ‘deeply intellectual' pole he is so overly fond of fornicating with. I'm sure he and Chantelle will hit it off perfectly. She's a pain in the ass too.”

“Big words, Kya. You get them off a gossip website?”

A woman holding a large glass vase filled with flowers walked by and gave them a dirty look. We were collecting way too many of those.

“How about condescending? You like that word, right, James?”

“Condescending? Do you even know what that means?” he said with a smirk.

“Funny.” Kya got to her feet. “You know what, James? I happen to like pop culture and I don't give a crap about politics. Does that make me a bad person? Should I feel like I'm not as good as you are because your overgrown brain is full of shit that bores the crap out of people?”

“Whoa!” I stood up and put my hand on Kya's arm, but she ignored it. She ignored me and the curious glances from people around us.

“I do feel like I'm not as good as you, okay, James. Does that make you feel better? You wear your geekiness so proudly and think it makes you so special. Well guess what? It's as much a cliché as cheerleaders or football players. I'm sick of it. And of you.”

She swiveled on her stylish sandals, swooshing the boa that had come loose around her neck. She marched off in the opposite direction of the barns.

“Kya!” I yelled. I glanced at James, but his head was down and he stared at the sidewalk.

“Go ahead,” he said without looking up. “Go after her. Take her side, you always do.”

“What the hell is going on with you two?” I snapped, keeping my eye on Kya as she set off through the crowd. I wanted to stamp my feet and yell at both of them to stop it. Stop ruining things.

“Why don't you ask her?” he said, still staring at the ground.

And then he got up, still holding my hoodie to his nose, and walked the other way. “I'll clean your hoodie and get it back to you.”

I stood in the middle, unable to choose which one to go after, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. And what to do about it.

I had no idea.

 

When the paintball tourney at the Outdoor Palace was over, I stayed to help clean up. Sticking around to help was professional courtesy more than anything, since Dad knew the owner and they helped each other out when they could. Lola had taken off early to meet her boyfriend at a concert, so there was only me and Don, the owner. Helping Don also took my mind off the fury bubbling inside me. Kya hadn't shown up or answered any of my texts. Mad was an understatement.

When we finished cleaning the bunkers and guns, Don told me to take off. He locked up and headed out to his office behind the arena. If he was anything like Dad, he'd be there for a while, finishing paperwork and other business-owner things I didn't have any real desire to learn about.

He turned up the music on his speakers and I smiled and threw my gear bag over my shoulder, heading out to the field that acted as the parking lot.

Because I'd waited too long for Kya—who stood me up—I'd arrived late and gotten a crappy spot in the field and had a bit of a hike. It was dark, but lights in the arena lit up the lot. As I headed to my car, I saw a bunch of the boys hanging around a hatchback propped open. They laughed over music. A couple of red tips burned in the darkness. Don would be out soon and was not the kind of guy you wanted to piss off smoking illegal substances on his property.

I hesitated, fighting off a panicky sensation about being all alone. But the guys had to be ballers, so shaking off nerves, I kept walking, no choice but to pass them. I lifted my chin and lengthened my stride, shoulders back, fingers gripping my keys. Their faces weren't visible, so it was easier to pretend they weren't there. I could tell they'd seen me but I kept my eyes fixed on my car.

“Hey, it's Paintball Chick,” one of them called. It sounded like Steve Blender's friend, Cameron. “Where's the hot one?” he called, and they laughed.

“Kya Kessler,” Steve said. “She didn't show up tonight.”

“The one with the exquisite ass? She's doing Lewis right?”

“Not anymore. I'm next.” Definitely Steve's voice.

I saw their faces. Four of them, all holding bottles of beer. Hurrying my footsteps, I called, “Kya wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole.”

“You sure about that?” Steve asked.

“You better watch it or Lewis will kick your ass,” another guy said.

“He's puking in the bush. He's not going to kick anyone's ass.”

Lucas had shown up for his first tournament game. Loud and obnoxious. If he was puking, that meant he'd been drinking. Not cool.

“She's not bad-looking,” one of the other guys called.

A flutter of nerves sped my steps up.

“Maybe after a couple of beers,” another answered.

“She looks like an elf and she's flat as a board,” Steve said. “Ten beers maybe.”

The rest of them howled. My stomach tightened, even as I told myself it didn't matter what they said. My cheeks were on fire though. Humiliation sped my breathing up. I put my head down and forced one foot in front of the other, almost at my car.

“I'd do her,” another voice said, a hard edge to it. “I'm not fussy.” I squinted but didn't recognize the guy. Steve laughed and high-fived him. They were walking closer to my car.

I clenched my hand into a fist, clutched my keys, and didn't say anything. Steve hated me because I kicked his ass in paintball. I wanted to get away. Quickly.

“Not so tough without that Canadian loser around to protect you,” Steve said. “He beat the shit out of some dork kid at his old school? Big hero, right?” He took a sip of his beer and didn't take his eyes off me. He'd reached my car and was leaning against the driver side, blocking my way.

“Screw off,” I said through clenched teeth. “Get away from my car.”

“Aren't you the tough one?” he said. “You like Canadian bacon?” He grabbed himself in the crotch and curled up his lip. “You'll like my meat then.”

My heart pounded faster, but I squeezed my fist, trying to remember Dad's self-defense tips.

“I can give you more than bacon.”

Steve's voice had an edge that made my pulse race. He stepped aside and held out his hand as if to let me get to my door. I clicked it open and skirted around him, grabbing for the door handle. Fingers dug into my shoulder. Hard. A sound popped out of my mouth and I dropped my bag but my foot automatically kicked back, aiming for his private parts and connecting. I made a fist, threw my elbow back and up, and it connected with his nose. There was a flash and then someone else grabbed me and pulled my arms, locking them behind my back. I stomped on a foot and he oomphed and swore.

Steve grabbed my ponytail and yanked my head back, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand while the other guy held me. I inhaled deeply with fear and pain, not believing it was happening, and I struggled, but the grip on me was iron-tight.

“Let me go.”

Steve ran a finger along my cheek. I jerked my head away but he laughed and then stuck out his tongue and leaned forward, licking my cheek. The wetness, the awful smell, and the horrible implications made me feel sick to my stomach.

Steve reached for his belt buckle and jiggled it around and the inside of my brain froze. I couldn't think. Move. Comprehend.

“Leave her alone,” a voice growled from behind me. “Seriously. What are you going to do? Gangbang her in the parking lot? Let her go.”

Steve swore under his breath and stood taller, looking past me.

“She kicked me in the balls and gave me a bloody nose.” He spit on the ground in front of me. My heart pounded, my breath quickened. “She needs a lesson.”

“You scared the shit out of her, what'd you expect?”

Lucas stepped in front of me, putting himself between Steve and me. “Her dad's an ex-cop, Blender. Don't mess with her.”

“I thought you left,” Steve growled at him.

“I was busy,” Lucas said. “Let her go, man,” he said to the guy behind me.

“Busy puking.” Steve laughed.

Lucas towered over Steve and almost doubled him in width. “Let her go,” he said again. “You not only have to worry about her dad and brother, but you don't want to piss Levi off. Trust me.”

Steve took a quick step at me and threw his hands up in the air. “Boo!” he screamed.

I cringed but managed to keep from crying out. He grinned an ugly smile, reached out, and squeezed my nipple. It hurt and it made me want to barf.

“Nothing worth playing with here,” he said, pressing his face up to mine. His breath was horrible and bile rose up my throat.

“Dude,” Lucas said in a low but hard voice. “Let her go. Now.”

Steve nodded at the guy behind me and he pushed me by the shoulders so my body slammed into the car. Steve whacked his hand on the hood of the car beside my head.

“Boo!” he screamed again.

Lucas reached over and pulled him away. I met Lucas's gaze. “Get out of here, Grace,” he said quietly. “These guys have been drinking.”

Shaking so badly I could barely open my car door to get inside, I fumbled and managed to get in and lock the door behind me and start the car. Pressing my foot hard on the gas, I peeled forward out of the parking lot.

I glanced up in my rearview mirror and then drove, holding my breath on and off until I got back into the city. As soon as I could, I pulled over to the side of the road. I put the car in park, dropped my head to the steering wheel, and breathed deeply. In and out. In and out. My hands shook and tears ran down my face but no sound came out. I kept breathing deeply until the shaking stopped.

What would have happened if Lucas hadn't shown up? Deep down inside lurked a niggling feeling that somehow, someway, I'd brought this on myself. That I'd done something to deserve it. Rationally I knew it was wrong, but it was there.

Shame. I thought of Kya. I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

When I pulled into the driveway, I turned the car off but didn't move for a minute, remembering how scared and how defenseless I'd been forced to feel. I got out of the car slowly, thinking about whether to tell my parents. Dad would go ballistic. Indie would probably beat the crap out of him. He might even jeopardize his position with the police.

They might try to ban me from playing paintball with Steve. That would mean no more tourneys. I needed to keep playing with Lola. Consequences mishmashed up in my mind.

I couldn't say anything.

The only person I wanted to talk to was the person I'd been furious with earlier.

I wanted to talk to Kya.

I wanted to hug her a little bit tighter.