How I Got Here (6 page)

It wasn’t even until I had gotten into the house that I realized how cold I was. I should have put my jacket on, but the entire time I was out there, it had been lying next to me on the snow covered porch.

‘What are you doing here?’ Wade picked up his cup of coffee, and I could see him thinking, I could see it all written on his face, that he knew what had happened with mom, and that he knew this had something to do with it.

‘I need your help, I just feel so completely lost at the moment, and I don’t have anyone else that I can turn to.’ I remember clutching the coffee cup so hard that it started to hurt, the words I was speaking were hard for me to get out, they were hard for me to admit, because it’s always hard to admit you need help.

‘What about mom and dad? I know that mom messed up, but you didn’t exactly handle things well wither, maybe the two of you should attempt to work things out.’

‘I’m sixteen, I’m not meant to have judgment as good as mom, I’m not meant to handle things well. I know what I did was stupid, but I was angry and upset, it was an impulsive move, what mom did was premeditated.’

‘Please can you not start rationalizing, ok?’

‘Fine,’ I’d stared at my coffee for a while before speaking again, ‘Mom doesn’t want to talk to me right now, she’s angry and so am I.’ I shrug my shoulders and hope he’ll drop this soon.

‘Why can’t you talk to dad about all this?’ He persists.

‘Because you know what he’s like, he doesn’t like to admit that there is anything wrong!’ I said growing more and more frustrated.

‘And is there? Is there anything wrong?’

‘I feel like everything is wrong at the moment.’ I admit shakily, I could hear Wade sigh as he set his coffee cup down.

‘You only feel like that because you’re angry with mom, but River, skipping school, withdrawing from your friends and peers, that is not going to help your situation, it’ll make you feel worse if anything, besides the way you have been acting recently, it’s very self-destructive.’

‘I didn’t come here for a therapy session, Becky is the therapist not you!’

‘Then why did you come here?’

‘Because I need you
r help Wade, I can’t talk to mom and dad doesn’t listen to anything I’ve got to say, as for my friends and peers, it isn’t me that’s withdrawing from them, they all hate me!’

‘You’re being
dramatic; I wish you would calm down a bit.’ He rolls his eyes, I had my phone in my pocket like usual, I could have pulled it out and shown him the countless emails, all filled with hate and bullying, but I wanted him to believe me, I didn’t want to have to show him proof, he should have trusted me, I wanted him to trust me and not treat me like I was overreacting.

‘I’m not Wade! Honestly the kids at school, even my friends have all turned against me, they keep saying all these horrible things, telling me that I’m far and ugly, or stupid and spiteful.’

‘That’s just how teenagers are sometimes, especially teenage girls, it’s nothing personal.’

‘It sure feels personal when I’m surrounded by a group of girls, poking me in the stomach, grabbing at me and telling me how big I am.’

‘Then do something about it!’ He sounds tired by this point, he’s already done with having this conversation, I could tell by the look on his face.

‘That’s why I’m here; I don’t know what to do.’ I beg with him to understand, and I think that he is starting to get it. He’s going to help me do something about the bullying; he’s going to help me find a way to deal with it, to end it.

‘Why don’t you take up and exercise class? Or a dance class?’ He suggests, and honestly I can tell you this right now, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, can you imagine what it felt like? I went to my brother for help, because I was being bullied at school, and his only piece of advice on dealing with their remarks, is to tell me to take an exercise class. All I kept thinking at the time was, he’s siding with them all, he’s telling me that I could do with losing some weight, he’s telling me that I’m not good enough the way I am.

My head started spinning and I remember dazedly getting to my feet, grabbing my bag from the floor but forgetting my jacket, I stumbled out of the door and into the cold, I heard him call after me but he doesn’t follow, not even as far as the front door.

The entire trip back into the city, I was forcing back the tears, because this hadn’t been what I was expecting. I felt so alone. Outside the window of the bus the lights blurred together, my eyes had filled with tears, but I forced myself to keep a grip, clenching my fists so hard that I broke the skin.

When I get home neither of my parents speak to me, except for a quick enquiry by my dad on how my day was, which he didn’t even look up from his paper for. I went right to my room and slammed the door shut, it has a lock on the inside, so I slid it into place, even though I knew that neither of them would com
e and check on me. I spent a large portion of the night, staring at my reflection in the full length mirror, and do you know what I saw? I saw what they had all been telling me was there, I saw a horrible, ugly, fat girl. I couldn’t take it; I needed to do something to keep myself thinking about it, I needed to control something.

I stayed up for the best part of the night tearing my room apart, organizing everything until it follows a pattern, my books are arranged by author, my clothes by color, the pens on my desk are lined up in neat rows, everything has to remain in its place, and I can’t handle anything being moved, it becomes an obsession of mine.

That’s when I started needing some sort of order around me, it’s when I began organizing everything, the doctors here tell me it’s a touch of OCD, I tell myself it was my way of coping with the disorder of my life.

Chapter Six

Session 3

‘Right,’ Oliver coughs to clear his throat, blinks a couple of times and then folds the letter, adding it to the small pile inside his messenger style bag. He wants to tell her that she’s perfect, that none of those people know what they are talking about; he wants to tell her that she is
n’t fat and never was. Most of all he wants to make her see that she is beautiful and strong. Actually most of all he really wants to give Wade a piece of his mind. Common sense kicks in and he realizes he can’t do any of that. Telling her she is perfect wouldn’t help, she wouldn’t believe him, and she would just think that he was only saying it because he pitied her, and he didn’t, that wasn’t why he wanted to tell her how he saw her. Yelling at Wade may make him feel better, but it wouldn’t do anything to help her, but he thinks he might know what will.

‘What?’ She asks and he looks up at her confused, so she elaborates, ‘Right isn’t a complete sentence, I just figured there was something coming after it.’

‘Oh right sorry – I drifted off there a little.’ He stands up and goes around to the other side of her bed, looking around him cautiously; he starts to unhook her drip.

‘What are you doing?’ She lowers her voice to a whisper, even though there isn’t anyone near her room at the moment, she still feels it best to be on the safe side.

‘I thought you wanted to go to the park.’ He’s so casual about it that it catches her off guard, he’s speaking as though this is a normal situation, just a guy taking a girl for a walk in the park, but it isn’t, there isn’t anything normal about this situation.

‘You’ve been saying no for the past week, you said that it was too risky, that you could get into trouble, you said you were worried about me going out.’

‘I changed my mind.’ He keeps his tone level, carrying off the same casualness that he started with, even though his heart is racing, and a million emotions are crashing through him.

‘Is this because of what I wrote?’

‘No.’

‘Then it’s because of how my brother treated me, or because of how I reacted to everything by becoming obsessive, or if it’s not any of that then it must be because you feel sorry for me.’

‘No, it’s because keeping you locked up in here isn’t going to do you any good, it’s because you want to go, it’s because I want to take you there, and most of all – it’s because you asked me to take you, and I can’t say no anymore.’ He clears his throat again, ‘Now come on, before I come to my senses.’

He helps her get to her feet, knowing that she is still a little weak. The black floral dress she’s wearing hangs down to just below her knees, but it’s loose on her and so it swishes around her frame as she moves. He
checks that the coast is clear then they walk out of the ward together, keeping their distance, Oliver walking a good ten steps in front of River, only looking back over his shoulder now and then to give her a small smile. Once they make it out to the street he takes her hand, leading her to the parking lot, he helps her into his car, and then without hesitation he pulls away from the hospital.

‘I can’t believe I’m really outside.’ River smiles a real smile, that lights up her whole face, Oliver finds himself wishing he’d broken her out sooner, even though it could jeopardize his career, he doesn’t care as long as he can help her healing process, as long as he can see her smile like that.

River rolls down her window and lets the air brush her skin, closing her eyes she watches the colors float around beneath her eyelids, as the sun shines down on her face and the city rushes past. It’s a mixture of familiar sounds and smells; the hum of traffic, the constant drone of conversation, street vendors selling their goods, business people rushing around between meetings, tourists exclaiming wildly over the sights; the smell of street stall food, mixing in some strange effortless way with the trees and flowers dotted in the park on one side of them, and in a few planters in front of some of the buildings.

‘I’m sorry that I kept saying no, I should have agreed right away, I knew how much you needed to get out of that place, I was stupid to refuse.’ Oliver says as he pulls onto a new street, now coming closer to the right entrance.

‘That’s ok you were just being cautious; you probably shouldn’t be doing his.’ Her eyes snap open and she turns to him, ‘I won’t get you in trouble will I? I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.’

‘Don’t worry about me.’ He shrugs his shoulders slightly.

‘Why shouldn’t I? I’m getting a little sick of you always worrying about me; it’s kind of nice to turn the tables once in a while.’

‘It’s my job to worry about you.’ They continue in silence for a while, him going over the contents of her last letter, wondering how to bring it up, wondering if he should even attempt to bring it up. While River was worry
ing that she was going to get him fired, and realizing that she didn’t want him to leave, because she’d bonded with him, because he was the first person in that hospital who actually genuinely cared about her. Sure the other doctors were kind and at first they’d been attentive, but she knew that they were only doing it because it was their job, and she couldn’t blame them for that. It was just that Oliver may claim that it’s his job to care, but she knows that he really does worry about her, he does care what happens to her, and so if he were to get fired, she isn’t sure what she would do.

He parks the car sometime later, getting out and opening her door for her, she steps out but hesitates for a few seconds before stepping away from the car. It feels strange to her being outside again, she hasn’t stepped outside the hospital for months, not even to go down to the entrance and get some air, if she needed some fresh air, she’d just open up the window.

She hadn’t had many visitors in the hospital either, other than her parents nobody came in except staff, so now being out and around this many people, she’s starting to feel anxious. She panics when people touch her, even if it’s just brushing past her she gets anxious, starts to panic. She knows that once she’s at the pond she’ll be fine, because it’s so secluded there, it’ll just be her and Oliver, and she can cope with that.

Oliver knows that he needs to
distract her, and he also knows that she doesn’t panic when he touches her, it took some time to build up that trust, but now she is comfortable around him, she knows that he won’t hurt her. So very gently he takes her hand, lacing his fingers through hers and starts to walk, she follows keeping close to his side as they walk through the park. At some point they switch and she is leading the way, gently tugging his hand in the direction they need to go, her silent communication that he understands.

‘So my sister has been cooking healthy food all week, I am seriously starting to miss take-out, there is this little Thai place I used to go to, it’s about ten blocks from the hospital, so I usually stop there on the way home from work, but she’s got me eating tofu and vegetables that I’ve never heard of, yesterday she actually let us go out to dinner, but she took us to some vegan place off Broadway!’ Oliver rambled on, trying to relax her, but the crowds in the park have started to panic her, and she grips his hand noticeably tighter. They keep walking at
a quick pace, and she indicates for him to keep talking. ‘My niece seems to love the food, but I’m wondering if it’s because she’s never tried junk food, not that I would recommend junk food of course, because as a doctor that would be wrong of me, however I think a good dose of chocolate is healthy.’

‘Buy a bracelet miss?’ A man comes up to them, pointing to his stall of homemade bracelets at the side of the path, he takes River’s hand and tries to slip a bracelet on her wrist, she snatches her arm away quickly, pulling her hand away from Oliver’s and backs away, her eyes wide and wild, full of fear. She trips into someone as she backs away from the man, the woman she knocked into puts her hand on River’s arm, trying to steady her, but it only serves to panic River even more. He starts shouting, pulling back and wrapping her arms around herself, tears forming in her eyes, she can’t control it, the fear is irrational but it’s taking her over.