House of Holes

Also by Nicholson Baker

Fiction

The Anthologist

Checkpoint

A Box of Matches

The Everlasting Story of Nory

The Fermata

Vox

Room Temperature

The Mezzanine

Nonfiction

Human Smoke

Double Fold

The Size of Thoughts

U and I

Simon & Schuster

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New York, NY 10020

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and

incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or

are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events

or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2011 by Nicholson Baker

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Designed by Joy O’Meara

Baker, Nicholson.

House of holes : a book of raunch / Nicholson Baker.

p. cm.

I. Title.

PS3552.A4325H68 2011

813'.54—dc22 2010047433

ISBN 978-1-4391-8951-1

ISBN 978-1-4391-8953-5 (ebook)

Contents

Shandee Finds Dave’s Arm

Ned Gets Sniffed

Luna Goes to a Concert

Pendle Interviews for a Job

Shandee Learns How to Wash a Penis

Cardell Has a Sherry Cobbler

Marcela Admires Koizumi’s Sculpture

Shandee Wears the Sponge Gloves

Rhumpa Unbuttons Her Shirt

Cardell Goes to the Laundromat

The Story of Prince Bohuslav’s Beard

Rhumpa Makes Her Come Video

Wade Learns about the Cloth of Ka-Chiang

Cardell Buys a Gel Pen

Jessica Has Some Tattoos Removed

Wade Presses the Sex Now Button and Koizumi Visits

Henriette Surfs the Lake

Dennis Explores Mindy’s Purse

Polly Visits the Hall of the Penises

Pendle Buys a Bathing Suit

Henriette Chooses the Cheekpump

Dave Trespasses

Dune Visits the Midway

Chilli Goes to the Porndecahedron with Dave

Ned Undergoes a Voluntary Head Detachment

Reese Visits a Headless Bedroom

Cardell Meets Betsy on the Beach

Luna Fucks a Penis Tree

Henriette Goes for a Walk

Dune Tells Mindy How He Lost His Penis

Rhumpa Visits the Pornmonster

The Pearloiner Says She’s Sorry

Shandee Goes to the Festival

Dave Gets His Old Cock Back

Lila Says It’s Almost Time to Go

The Silver Egg Hatches

Shandee Finds Dave’s Arm

S
handee’s sister gave her all her makeup because she was going off to Guatemala. That night Shandee spent about two hours trying on lipstick. Then, the next morning, she went to a quarry with her Geology 101 class. The quarry was called the “Rock of Ages.” It was vast and they dug granite there, mostly for tombstones. The tour guide was kind of cute although his hair wasn’t good—he was maybe twenty-seven. Pretty drastically cute, though, she thought. They were standing on the brink of a space that looked like something from another planet, and he said, “There’s enough granite here to last us four thousand five hundred years.” My gracious goodness, thought Shandee, that’s a lot of tombstones. She turned away from the edge, and that’s when she saw a hand poking out from behind a rock.