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“Then can I call her?”

“No,” he answered, just as quickly. “If you want to keep every hair on her head safe and sound, you’d better do as I say.”

“What the hell is going on?” I exclaimed. It seemed to be the
question
surrounding my life.

“Come to Russia and you will understand,” he said firmly. “It’s not something I can explain over the phone.”

“I can’t
just
leave J
ayden. I need to stay nearby
, just in case… I don’t know. Just in case.”

“Nothing is going to change with Jayden. She
is
safe, I guarantee it.”

“Somehow I don’t feel any better. As long as Conlon and
Merrick
are in my life, I can’t believe she’ll be safe. And I’ve heard things… She’s not doing good.”

Was it a mistake to admit I knew that? I didn’t know, but I hadn’t been given any instructions about not communicating with other friends.
I only automatically refrained from it because of my fear.

“Here is what I sugges
t. Why don’t you take a week
to think about it? I will call you in—”

“Why can’t you come here?” I suddenly asked. The question had been lurking in the back of my mind, but
it finally formed itself into a
complete
thought
.

“It is not safe for me. There are people…looking for me. I cannot re
t
urn until I kn
ow they have been handled properly
. I need to be here, taking care of some items of business, and then I will return as soon as I can.”

“So these people looking for you… Are they
enemies to
your organ
ization
? What do they want?”

“These questions can be answered when you come to Russia.”

I groaned. I couldn’t just pack up and leave the country
. What about Jayden? I wasn’t exactly in the position to watch over her night and day, but at least
I was only a couple hours away.
Just in case.

“I can have Mr. Ross look out for Jayden if you would like,” he cont
inued. “She lives
on her own
now.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“She moved out of her father’s house and now she is renting her own home.”

That really set off my nerves. With everything going on
,
she was living by herself?

“Tyler, I know what yo
u’re thinking, but I promised she would be
safe and
she is
.
We have nothing against Jayden Adams as long as you stay away from her. We just couldn’t afford the risk. She’s fine now.
Trust me.”

I scoffed. Why did hearing that phrase give me mixed feelings?
But Kenny had also said she was okay, and since Dean was out of the country, I felt a bit of reassurance. “Fine,” I answered.

             
“Okay,
then. So w
ill you come to Russia?”

             
“No.” I
just
couldn’t leave.

             
He sighed. “Very well. But if you change your mind, let me know when I call in another week.
I do believe you should come. It will…change your life.
”

I did spend the week thinking over my options.
I even mulled over all of it with my dad. He turned very dark when I mentioned Russia, but he didn’t exactly advise me against it. I was waiting for something inside me to supply me with the answer. I didn’t feel that going to Russia was a
bad
idea, especially if it was going to give me some answers, but I also didn’t think it was a good idea either. Leaving the states was a little out of my comfort zone, particularly when I didn’t know if it was going to help the situation at all.

I wished
I could be given all the right answers
.

Chapter Forty-One

My father and I sat in the kitchen one night eating dinner. We had actually been talking about religion, of all things. I was telling him about the churches I’d been to with Jayden and what I thought of them. My dad had actually been attending a specific church regularly, and he said it had played a large part in his recovery and getting his life back together. He shared that he always thought Jayden had such a sweet, spiritual side to her.
It
made me think of Matt’s comment about how angelic Jayden was. I shared the thought with my father and he smiled.

“Yeah, she is an angel. But Tyler…you’re no devil. You’re a good kid. Just remember that.”

I shrugged. “She was always talking about…feeling good about things, and knowing it’s right because
it feels right
. I wish I
had just an ounce of her faith.”

What my dad said next surprised me. “Maybe you
are
receiving
answers but you just haven’t recognized them yet.”

I tipped my head in thought. “Well, I felt that being with Jayden was right. Maybe I was just lovesick, but whenever I took the
time to really think about it—r
eally evaluate my feelings for her and
decide
if
I was even good enough for her—
I always got the sa
me answer: s
he was the one. Now, because of everything that’s happened,
I just can’t get that feeling back anymore.
I feel like I’ve ruined her life.
”

“Well,” my dad shrugged, “m
aybe she was right at the
time
.
Or maybe you’ve just lost a little faith. When adversity strikes, we question everything.
Things change—unfortunately some good things come to an end—but I think life is sometimes about separating what we want from what is really meant for us. It takes some pondering
—and sometimes a lot of patience—
to figure that out.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Since when did you get so philosophical?”

He laughed. “Since I realized I was a drunke
n bum.
It’s amazing some of the things you miss out on when your mind is boggl
ed with garbage. But Ty
, you h
ave an incredible spirit to you
as well. I just can’t see God overlooking you at a time like this, you know? I think… Well, I
believe
that you’re destined for something great, and we just need to get you through
this
rough patch and things will look up. I really do feel that’s true.
”

That did make me feel better, and I felt like my faith did grow a little.

But…
April
came around. And I think the combination of missing baseball and agonizing over all the memorable mome
nts of the last
April
with Jayden
really got
me into a depression. Baseball, the first time I saw her, our first date,
our first kiss.
The memories were overwhelming, and I could only imagine what memories the summer months were going to bring. In fact, I was hurting so badly by the beginning of
May
, I took off from work at noon and headed down south. I left my truck for my father and took his
car
instead. I had no idea what I was doing, but all I knew was that I needed to see her.
.

Once in town, I drove a few places first—past her father’s house, past my old house,
by the college and the ball fields,
even past the
Davis
’s house. Then I parked in the d
iner parking lot across from City Hall and the police department
. I expected to notice when she came out, and I was even going to follow her to see where she
now
lived.

I felt like a stalker.

But
at five-fifteen, when she c
ame out those doors
, I almost died. I can’t even de
scribe how it felt to see her. I wasn’t prepared for how badly it would affect me, and
e
very ounce of me ached to be with her. I wanted to jump out of the car, drop to my knees in the middle of the sidewalk, and beg for her to take me back. It was probably a good thing that I
was so affected from seeing her
and couldn’t even move.

Instead of hanging a left to head for the parking lot, she aimed straight ahead for the diner. My heart began to thump excessively, even though she wasn’t heading directly toward me, but she was still coming
closer in pr
oximity. Man, she was beautiful,
s
o
beautiful. I let the lump form in my throat as I watched her enter the diner.

My phone rang and
it
made me jump
. I was just going to let it ring, but I knew it would be a big mistake to ignore him.
I was even sure he knew where I was
, but I was so delirious
at
the moment, I didn’t even care
.

“Tyler…” he said slowly, letting me know that he was disappointed in me.

“I just needed to see her,” I replied weakly. Just the sight of her had broken me all over agai
n. I’m not sure what I thought it
was going to accomplish.

“You need to leave right this instant.” When I didn’t respond he sighed. “Tyler, I
know how hard this is for you. There will come a time,
I promise. Right now you can’t be seen near her.”

“Watching her isn’t going to hurt anything.”
Just my fragile heart
, I thought.

“Tyler.” This time he was upset, and although he never raised his voice, just the tone was smothered with warning. “You’re making this really difficult to protect her. Isn’t that what we’re trying to do here?”

I laughed with
resentment
. “Yeah, because of some stupid reason I still don’t understand! I hope Dean is everything you’ve dreamed him to be because I’d like nothing more than to put a bullet in him myself.”

He actually laughed. “Soon this will all be over and everyone can go their own ways.”

“
Just let me be miserable in peace, okay?”

My attention was redirected when Jayden exited the diner. In her hand was a
white plastic bag carrying her food, and she crossed the street again to her car. It was then that she turned just slightly, and the sight of her face broke me once more. Even from a distance I saw it; the familiar crease between her brows that gave away her worry. She offered a brief smile and wave to someone else in the parking lot, but the forced pleasantry quickly disappeared as she got into her car.

I almost forgot about the phone that was now in my lap until I heard the voice once more. “Oh, uh, what?” I mumbled.

“Tyler, go home. You’re being irrational.”

When she had driven a block away, I pulled onto the street after her.

“Just return home and we’ll talk about this, okay? We’ll talk about how we can fix this. Tyler?”

I was listening, but I was more intent on following her car without being noticed.
“Fix this? Now I have your attention? I do
something completely desperate
and now you want to help fix this? Or is it just a ploy to get me to do what you say? Then when I’ve behaved like a good little boy, you find some other way to manipulate the situation. I’m sick of this cycle. I’m sick of promises that have no meaning.” I was so
ticked
I nearly missed which street she turned down, but I q
uickly caught site of her again
and took a deep breath to calm myself down. “I can’t talk and drive at the same time,” I growled, and I hung up the phone.

I was so focused on what I was doing I didn’t even give a
second
thought to what I just did. I continued to follow her car until she was heading north, slightly out of town. Her destination puzzled me, and for a minute I worried that she wasn’t even going home. But then she did arrive in a residential area just outside of
the city
. From the end of the road I saw her park in the driveway of a pale yellow house four lots down. I waited while she stepped up to the porch and dis
appeared through the front door, and t
hen I
turned onto
the street and parked two houses
away
.

Just the sight of her house and yard made me smile. I wondered if I could have picked out her home just by driving down the street.
For one, it was the only yellow house on the block. The rest of the houses were white, tan, gray, or brown. Jayden loved the color yellow, but I could tell the house hadn’t been recently painted, and I wondered if just the color alone was what attracted her to it.