Hot Dates 2: Living as a Shared Wife (19 page)

I raked my fingers through my hair. Maybe it was because I was so exhausted and easily worn down, or maybe it was because of how crazy it got the night before, but the truth was on the tip of my tongue. There wasn’t a lie Jana was going to believe, and I didn’t want to lie to her. I wanted to tell her the truth and ask if she was ever conflicted when she was screwing her personal trainer.

“You’re right,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper.

Jana just looked at me, wordlessly asking,
About?

“This is a booty call dress. I wasn’t just out with friends.”

“You little slut!” Jana covered her mouth in shock. “I never would have guessed that you…”

“It’s not what you think. I’m not sneaking around.”

“Not very well anyway.”

“Dave knew where I was going. I didn’t lie to him.” It was important to me that she didn’t think I was running around on Dave—even if the truth was going to sound bizarre.

“So Dave knew you were going out last night to meet another guy and spend the night with him?”

“I didn’t plan on being out all night.”

Jana laughed. “You must have had a good time, because you look terrible—in a good way, like you earned it.”

I allowed a little grin. “It was an…
interesting
night.”

“I’m jealous! How did you get this arrangement? How do I get Neil to let me go out and fuck all night?”

“It’s complicated.” I didn’t know where to begin. I was sensitive to my husband’s feelings about being exposed, but it wasn’t only his secret to keep.

“Do you guys have an open marriage I can’t believe I told
you
to loosen up.”

“It’s not an open marriage, like I said, it’s more complicated than that. I don’t think there’s time to explain it now. I really need to get inside before the kids get up.”

“I would say so. This isn’t the mommy they’re used to.”

“Haha. Listen, we’ll have lunch and I promise I will explain everything. It’ll be a relief to get it off my chest, really. Just for now, know I’m not sneaking around, Dave knows, but we’re not in an open marriage. And for chrissakes, keep it to yourself. You can’t even tell Neil. Promise me!”

“I wouldn’t know what to tell him. Don’t worry, you’re secrets are safe with me. God knows, you’ve kept enough of mine. Just be careful, Dana. You get into this stuff and things can go wrong really fast.”

“I know,” I replied. How wrong had things gone the night before? “I will.”

We hugged and Jana went out through the gate, while I unlocked the back door to the garage and then went into the house. I was relieved by the silence. The kids were not up yet. I didn’t smell that Dave had started coffee, so he was probably still asleep. That was not the case. As I turned the corner to go up the steps, he called out from the den.

“I was wondering when you were going to come home.”

I took a deep breath and turned to face him. Dave was on the couch, and it was obvious he’d spent the night there. His laptop  was on the floor beside the couch, plugged into a charger. He looked almost as bad as I did. I chose not to mention running into Jana. He did not look like he was in a place to learn we may be exposed.

“I’m sorry. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I just sort of woke up, and there I was.”

“That’s understandable, considering the night you had. By the way, it was around four. You and Carlos were alone, fucking again—though honestly it was more intimate than fucking—and after you finished, you two just sort of fell asleep holding each other.”

“Dave…” I didn’t know what to say.

“I guess things got a little out of hand last night,” he said. He didn’t sound angry, but he didn’t sound happy either. He was frighteningly neutral.

“I know. I don’t even know how. We were out, at the club, drinking and dancing, and we met up with his friends, and things just started rolling from there. No one made me do anything, but I didn’t really feel like I was in control either.”

“Who was then? Carlos?”

“I don’t know.”

“It looked like he was in control. It looked like you were all his last night.”

“Not
all
his.” I tried for a little joke, but Dave did not laugh.

“You were pretty high. That makes it hard to stay in control.”

“Dave, that was the first time. I swear. I don’t even know why I did it. It just seemed right in the moment.”

“A lot of things seemed right in the moment.”

“I guess they did.” I felt on the defensive and I didn’t like it. Yes, I’d gone way further than anything we’d ever discussed, but there were also no real boundaries either. It was like Dave had purposely avoided them. I sat beside him on the couch, but he stayed stiff. I asked, “Are you angry?”

“I don’t know what I am, Dana.”

“Start with what you’re feeling. What are you thinking?”

Dave turned to me, fire in his eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking? Was last night your chance to be the whore you always wanted to be?”

“That’s not fair. I’ve never done anything you didn’t encourage me to do.”

“I never told you to fuck two Puerto Rican guys.”

“No, but the last time two guys took me home you were pretty happy about it. Is it bad because they were Spanish?” I tried to keep my voice down, but it was not easy.

“Of course not. I don’t give a shit about that. I just never… I didn’t think…”

“Didn’t think what, Dave?” Now I was on a roll, the shame washed away by anger. Who the hell was Dave to question how I behaved? He couldn’t push me to fuck other men and then be angry that I didn’t stay in the little box he’d set up for me. I wasn’t just his doll to play with.

“I didn’t even recognize you last night, Dana. You were different from the second you stepped into that apartment. You were…”

“A whore? You can say it, Dave. That’s what I was last night. I got drunk and high and fucked three strangers all night. That’s pretty much the definition of a whore, isn’t it?”

“Well, yeah, you were a whore. Wait, don’t hit me! That’s not it—it’s not what I’m thinking about. Not really. It’s just, seeing you like that, I don’t know what to think. I thought you were wild—all sex and excitement before—but nothing I’ve seen you do compares to last night. I didn’t see the woman I married.”

I couldn’t look him in the face and I struggled to remain defiant. I couldn’t deny anything he said. I didn’t even understand what had been unleashed in me the night before. I didn’t feel it was all my fault, but I wondered if I should have stopped myself.

“And you don’t want me now?”

“God, it’s nothing like that! I love you. I’ll always love you. But knowing you have that in you, it makes me wonder if you’ll ever be really satisfied by our life again.”

“Dave…”

“I mean, what’s a barbeque with neighbors, or a family game night, compared to a drug fueled orgy?”

I took his hand. “One thing has nothing to do with the other.”

“How are you going to be pleased with me in bed when you really want men jackhammering you all night?”

“Nothing will ever be like making love to you, baby,” I said. He gave me a look. “I can’t lie. I don’t think you want me to. Last night was…incredible. Insane. But I would never want to live my life that way. I
couldn’t
live my life that way. I’d be dead inside a week. It was fun as a once in a lifetime experience, but I don’t want to live my life that way.”

Dave still gave me that look. “Once in a lifetime? You never want that again?”

How could I answer him? Deep down, I knew the truth, but I didn’t really want to admit it to myself, let alone my husband. But I owed him the truth. I owed it to us both.

“Maybe sometime. I don’t know. I felt so alive. It felt so good. It was frightening, but it was amazing. If I had another chance…maybe.” I gave him the soft version. I was actually afraid that if I had another chance I
couldn’t
say no.

“You were incredible last night. Yeah, it tore me up a little, but I couldn’t look away. You were just so free.”

“That’s what you’ve wanted, isn’t it? You wanted to just see me lose it, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know, Dana.”

“That’s a cop out. You owe me honesty,” I pushed.

“Have I thought about it? Yes, I wondered how far you could go, what it would be like to watch you just give it all up like that. But I didn’t know if I could handle it.”

“And now?”

“I still don’t know. I mean, yeah, I loved it, but it freaked me out. For the first time, I’m really afraid.”

“You have nothing to be afraid of. I love you. No one will ever replace you.”

“I love you too, Dana. I know that logically, but these are all crazy feelings inside me. I really need to sort them.”

“Can I prove to you how much I still need you?” I asked.

I slid my hand over his shorts and Dave was rock hard. I believed his head was conflicted, but the rest of him knew exactly what it liked.

“Dana, you don’t have to,” he said when I pulled at his shorts, but he didn’t stop me.

“I know. That’s not why I’m doing it.” I smiled and blew him a kiss before turning to his cock.

I brushed my hair back and sucked the smooth, red head of my husband’s cock. It was strangely comforting to be handling a familiar dick after a night of endless fucking by two virtual strangers. It probably sounds insane, but handling Dave like that grounded me in my normal life. I would have made love to him, but I was way too sore for that. He could have me like that when I felt better. By the way he was moaning, I could tell Dave was happy with his blow job.

“Mmm, baby,” Dave moaned, stroking my hair back from my face and sagging into the couch to push his shaft deeper into my mouth.

I circled him with my fingers at the base and took him deep to the back of my throat. I cupped his balls with my fingers and tickled them. The difference between Carlos’s shaved privates and my husband’s was obvious and I wondered if I could convince Dave to shave down there. I just liked the smooth feeling. It was easy to take all of Dave’s dick after having my mouth fucked all night. He didn’t stretch my lips open and I could suck him harder.

Dave gasped my name—it was really like a gurgled moan—and he came in my mouth. I was so surprised that he came so fast that I choked at first, but there was not much to choke on. His load was so small it made me think that he must have been jerking off a lot while watching me the night before. Was he tortured having to sit back and jerk off while watching me used like that? I would never fully understand what my husband felt while watching me.

“That was great, baby,” Dave sighed.

“I’m always going to be yours, first and last.”

“I know.” Did he sound convinced?

“So where does that leave us?” I asked.

Dave pulled up his shorts. “We’re good.” Again, he didn’t sound so sure.

“I think we should take a break for a little while and regroup.”

“Do you think so?” Dave was surprised.

“We should take the time and decide if this lifestyle is really for us. We’re not where we started, when we went out together and it was exciting and dangerous. We’ve gone to a place we never discussed and we need to be sure it’s where we want to be.”

“Maybe you’re right. Is that what you want?”

“Mommy! Daddy!” It was our daughter, at the top of the stairs.

I was saved from having to answer, and I was relieved. Was it what I wanted? In my head, I knew it was the smart thing. Maybe we would think on it and come back refreshed—or maybe we were done, and we would be okay with that. But in heart, in my bones, I didn’t know if I wanted to stop—or even take a break. I loved the way Carlos made me feel. I loved going out and knowing men wanted me. It used to just be fun, but now I craved it, and I didn’t know if I wanted to give it up.

I jumped up when our daughter came into the room and straightened my outfit to make sure it covered everything. “Are you playing dress up, Mommy?” she asked.

“Something like that.” I turned to Dave. “I’m going to change.”

“Go. Get some rest. You probably need it.”

I flipped through the series of screen captures I’d taken from Dana’s last video. Most of the images I chose hid her face, and in the couple that didn’t I’d blurred it so my wife was unrecognizable. But the image I was fixated on was one where Carlos had just come all over Dana’s face, adding his load to one Javier had already put there. And her eyes were begging for it:
Please, come all over my face!
She had been a great wife, as dirty as I wanted in bed, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen that look on her face when she was in bed with me. Or I was being paranoid. I’d been questioning my paranoia a lot over the last few weeks.

Dana was probably right that we needed a break, but it was hard to go cold turkey. In the past she had gone a couple weeks between dates—though not if Zach had anything to say about it—but her nights out had become more frequent toward the end, and she’d never officially taken a break before.
Toward the end
. Was it the end? That might be for the best, but I didn’t want that. And I didn’t think Dana did either.

We hadn’t talked about it since that morning she crept home. We agreed that we both needed time to really think before we tried to talk about it again. I didn’t know that I needed so much time, but I was not going to push Dana into talking before she was ready. That could only backfire. I realized we were at some sort of turning point.

I opened the hot wife website on the browser and navigated into the picture forum. I’d told the story of Dana’s orgy a few days after it happened and the other guys begged for pictures. I dismissed the idea at first, but without Dana dating I wasn’t getting that buzz of risk and I needed it, so I gave in to my worst impulses. I knew Dana would kill me if she ever found out I’d posted pictures of her, but there was no way she’d ever find out. I started a new topic and uploaded the images.

Most of the guys on the message board were encouraging and thrilled after I posted the story of Dana’s night with her friends. I did express my doubts about what it meant, but most of them batted those away. That was how things went on the message board. The men there were always encouraging, always pushing for wives to do more. I knew to take it with a grain of salt, since most of them were lurkers who’d never done anything with their wives—if they even had them—but I was proud that they all thought my wife was so incredible. I had to agree. They would lose their minds when they saw the pictures.

I had a new private message waiting for me from my confidant on the message board. His wife also went out and played and he was honest about the tough times they’d had, so I trusted him more than the others. As I shared my situation with Dana he’d offered me good advice in the past. It was good to have someone to talk to about this stuff, even if it was through a keyboard. His message read:

           
Been thinking about your deal with D. Sounds like she’s super hot & she can’t get enough sex & she loves you. It’s all perfect. Now. Be careful, man. Sounds like D is starting down the road A went down and you don’t want to end up there, believe me. A never wanted to leave me, but she became more her FB’s than mine when it came to sex. I was taking a backseat to him until I put my foot down. Sounds like this Carlos guy does it the same way for your D. She’ll do anything for him, doesn’t even think about how you’ll feel about it. You should probably step in, but remain on guard. If she fell for Carlos like this she’ll probably fall for another guy too. D just loves the hotwifing too much like my A. You need to make sure you manage it when your break is over.

D was Dana. A was his wife, obviously. We tried to avoid sharing any identifying information. I knew all about how his wife had fallen for more than one FB—
fuck buddy
in hot wife code—and it caused them problems. It wasn’t that she fell in love with them, she was just so into their attention that it became her priority over her marriage. And that was my fear with Dana.

I’d been afraid she was too into Zach early on, from the way she jumped when he called. I’d have preferred a series of one night stands for my wife, but that meant less videos for me, so I accepted it. And then Zach faded into the background, so my fears subsided. But I saw how Dana was with Carlos. She was putty in his hands. I knew she could become more his than mine, and it scared the hell out of me—even while it turned me on. What was it about the risk of losing my wife that made me so crazy? So was I paranoid, or was there real danger?

Dana’s mood during our break did not quell the paranoia. We made love a couple times a day—every day—and I tried to be rough like the other men were, but she was always still insatiable. I hadn’t seen her burner phone since the break started, and I wondered if she was telling Carlos they had to break for a little while, but she couldn’t wait to get back into his bed. I didn’t want to be a creep and demand to see the phone.

Dana had to know I trusted her. And I did—except I started to worry every time she took too long at the grocery store, or if she said she was meeting Jana for drinks. I knew Jana would lie for her in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to believe my loving wife was fucking someone behind my back, even after everything that had happened. So I forced myself to think of other things when the doubts crept in, and watched her old videos to feed my addiction.

But still, when Dana went out, I had to wonder…