Hopeless Vows (34 page)

“W-what do you mean?” My eyes blink rapidly a few times while my brain tries to process what he just said.

He reaches into his back pocket and unfolds a piece of paper. “I never had my lawyers send the divorce papers in. See?” Looking at the document, I notice the court hasn’t stamped and signed to show it’s been filed.

“Why?” It’s all I can say. I’m stunned and confused. Elated and heartbroken.

He looks down at the floor before coming back up and piercing me with his eyes. “I couldn’t do it. When Uncle Brian said you never left my side at the hospital, I knew we had unfinished business. We weren’t over; we couldn’t be. I know with every fiber of my being, every beat of my heart, and every piece of my soul that you were meant for me.”

Setting the unfiled divorce paper on the ground, he grabs my hand. “Jillian, will you renew your vows to me? You had said our vows from before were hopeless. Let’s make them hopeful. I want to commit myself to you not because we have to for some reality show, but because I love you. Will you remarry me?” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. Opening it, I see a single solitaire diamond sitting atop a white gold band. It’s gorgeous.

This is definitely a ‘You had me at hello’ moment. Tears are streaming down my face and I think that’s probably the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. “Yes,” I choke out.

He stands up with a megawatt smile on his face and kisses me hard on the lips as his arms wrap around me. The combination of salt and the taste of Austin mixes together as I cry from pure happiness. The fact I’m at work finally registers in my lust infused mind and I pull away quickly.

“Please, don’t stop on my account,” Mrs. Van der Boor says sarcastically. I wipe the corners of my mouth, hoping lipstick isn’t smeared everywhere as my face turns bright red. She looks at me from the corner of her eye, and my palms start to sweat. I’m instantly nervous and terrified she’s going to fire me. No matter how long I’ve worked here, I’m always on edge around this woman. Everyone is. Finally, she turns away from me and walks down the hall. Right when I start to relax, she says over her shoulder, “Congratulations.”

Not expecting that, a “Thank you,” stumbles past my lips.

Austin embraces me again before nuzzling my neck. “Get out of here.” I laugh as I playfully push him away.

“What time will you be home? We should go out and celebrate.”

“I’ll be leaving around five.”

“Okay. See you when you get home, gorgeous.” Placing a sweet kiss on my cheek, he leaves me a puddle of goo as I watch his retreating back. I take a moment to admire his broad shoulders and tight ass before returning to my desk.

Working is futile as my mind keeps drifting back to the very beginning. This whole experience taught me things I never expected. While I sought love, I didn’t know I’d gain wisdom. All of these years hiding my true self and letting misplaced guilt eat at me only hurt myself. I can’t help where I came from, but I can certainly control where I’m going, and tonight I’m going out to celebrate a love like no other. A love that can endure life’s ups and downs, overshadow any sadness, comfort in times of need, and accentuate happiness.

The best part is I get to do all of it with Austin.

Jillian

Eight years later

OVER THE COURSE
of my life, I’ve ended up in situations and places I never thought I’d be in. I never thought I’d be on the run with my parents as they fled from prosecution. I never thought I’d be able to run from that life and start over. I never thought I’d marry a stranger who I was supposedly matched with. Never in a million years would I think the person I was compatible with would turn out to be the son of the family my parents murdered. I never thought my past would be exposed for the world to see. I never thought I’d go to the James’ gravesite, and I never thought Austin would ever forgive me. Even more shocking than all of that is what I’m preparing myself for now.

“You sure you want to do this?” Austin asks as he laces our fingers together.

I nod despite the sick feeling sitting in the pit of my gut. Swallowing hard, I say, “Yeah, I need to do this.”

“Okay, I’ll be out here waiting for you if you need me.” He leans over the center console of the car and gives me a kiss. “You are so strong,” he says against my lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Exiting the car, I walk up to the building and through the front door of the place that has housed my mother for the last twenty-eight years. The room feels stifling, of course that could be due to my nervousness. I had mentioned the idea of seeing my mother to Austin a few weeks ago. I was hesitant at first not knowing how he’d react, but he was nothing but supportive and encouraged me to call the prison to see what was required. When I was told I had to be on the approved visitor list, I was slightly disappointed, but imagine my surprise when he said my mother had a Cassandra Rhodes listed. I quickly scheduled a visit before I could change my mind.

Signing in is a pretty invasive process, but I guess that’s expected at a women’s maximum security prison. After showing the proper documentation detailing my name change, I’m given a thorough pat down and allowed to enter the visiting area. My eyes dart all around the room anxiously. These people with their hard looks and don’t give a shit attitude put me on edge. I’m out of place and they sense it. Swallowing hard, I have a seat at an empty table against the far wall and wait.

Will I recognize her after all these years? I’ve done my best to block out all memories of her. Will she know who I am? Will she be mad I came?

A figure in my periphery catches my attention and all the blood drains from my face. Being led in by a guard is the one woman I’d hoped to never see again. She’s aged considerably and looks tired and defeated. She looks around the room with newfound hope in her eyes, but looks past me several times. I’m not sure why it hurts me, but somewhere deep inside I’m wounded she couldn’t recognize her own child.

I stand up from my seat to get her attention. When our eyes meet, there’s surprise in her widened ones as they travel down to my very round belly. She approaches me timidly as I search my brain for something to say when she reaches my table. Now that she’s in front of me, my brain has completely shut off.

“Cassandra.” Memories echo in my mind of all the times she used to say my name as a child. This time is different though. Gone is the hate, the resentment my very presence used to cause. We both take our seats and our eyes never leave the other’s.

“A-actually, that’s not—not my name anymore. It’s Jillian now.” I’m not sure what possessed me to share that with her. I don’t plan to come here again after today, but it just felt like something she should know.

“Why’s that?” Her voice is frail and weak, absent of the harshness of my past. My mind works double time trying to process the two extremes, but I’m unable to come to grips with it.

I go for brutal honestly with my reply. “I didn’t want people to know I was associated with you and dad.”

She nods her understanding. “I don’t blame you for that.” Her fingers fumble with each other on top of the table as she stares at them.

“Why did you do it?” It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to know. I know why they were there, but why did they feel the need to murder those innocent people?

“I don’t know,” she says void of emotion, still refusing to meet my eyes.

“That’s bullshit. Don’t feed me the lines you tell the cops or judge. I came a long way to see you and had a shitty childhood because of you. The least you can do is answer me honestly.”

“What does it matter? I’m being punished. I’ll never get out of this place. It’s not like you care about me. I’m your mother and in the last twenty-eight years this is the first time you’ve come to visit? Why don’t you spare me your bullshit too.” She stares at me and her hard exterior is back. The woman I remember is sitting before me. But as I make that observation, I see a crack in her demeanor and witness the remorse and pain deep within her eyes.

“I won’t lie; I have no intentions of ever seeing you again after this. I probably wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for certain circumstances and the people currently in my life. I’ve carried around this guilt my whole life, feeling horrible about the crimes you and dad committed against that family, but I realized those aren’t my burdens to bear. They’re yours. As a mother, I can’t fathom doing the things you’ve done, so I’ll ask again, why did you do it?”

She looks down again, causing tears to run down her cheeks. “I never meant to hurt you,” she whispers.

“Why?” I ask almost in desperation.

“The drugs!” she shouts.

“We got a problem, inmate?” one of the prison guards questions.

“No problem, sir,” she responds. Looking back at me, she says, “I pray you never find out how powerful drugs are. They control you. Make you do things you normally wouldn’t just to get a little more. You become so desperate when you feel the high fading that you’re willing to do anything, even kill for it.” Her chin quivers before her hands come up and cover her face as she cries.

“Those images will haunt me until the day I die. It’s hard to explain, but I couldn’t stop myself. In my mind, that house was the only thing keeping me from my high and I couldn’t shut it off. And I killed a little girl because of it.” Her voice cracks as tears roll down her face. She regains her composure and says, “Now I’ll rot away in this prison with nothing to do but think about and relive the heinous things I’ve done.”

Remorse.

It was the one thing I wanted to see from her. I’d said I didn’t think she was capable of feeling that emotion, but seeing the pain and regret on her face shows me otherwise. Her crimes are unforgivable, but at least she’s proven to be human.

“Is dad sorry for what he’s done?” I never bothered to look him up. The thought of seeing him makes me nauseous. Every time his face passes through my mind, an image of him hitting me surfaces. I don’t think I have it in me to sit across from that man.

She shrugs. “I couldn’t tell ya.”

“You don’t talk to him at all?”

“No one does. He’s dead.” My mouth falls open and I’m not sure how to respond. I don’t feel sad or happy with this news, I’m completely indifferent to it. “He got shanked in the courtyard about five years ago. Bled out before the ambulance had gotten there. That’s karma, I suppose,” she says absently as she stares straight ahead. “We all get ours eventually, I’m just waiting around for mine.”

Both of us sit in silence for a few moments before a guard comes to our table. “Time’s up.” He grabs my mom under her arm and helps her up. As I stand, a sharp pain zaps through my stomach, buckling my knees. I catch myself on the table to prevent myself from falling down.

I hiss through my teeth as the pain returns followed by a gush of water. Looking down, I see a puddle between my feet.
Shit, this can’t be happening here.

“Are you okay, Miss?” The guard asks. He waves another one over.

“Uh, my water just broke.”

“Oh my God,” my mom says with her hand over her mouth.

“We can call you an ambulance.” He pulls out his walkie talkie and holds it up to his mouth.

“No,” I say, stopping him. “My husband is waiting outside. He can take me.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod several times. I’m helped to the door and when I look over my shoulder, my mom is almost through the entrance into the prison. She looks at me, sadness in her tear-filled eyes. With a sad smile, she waves and walks out. I stare at the empty doorway for a moment knowing this will be the last time I ever see her again, and I’m okay with that. I got what I needed from this visit, and now I can finally close the door on this part of my life.

Austin

Three days later, Jillian and baby Christine are discharged from the hospital. The doctor wanted to keep her an extra day to monitor her oxygen levels to ensure her lungs were fully developed. After a clean bill of health, we were sent on our way.

“Mommy! Daddy!” The boys run to the front door as we enter. There’s nothing better than coming home to the ones who love you.

“Hey, boys,” I greet as I lean down and hug them. “I want you to meet your baby sister, Christine.” I glance up at Uncle Brian to see his reaction. He didn’t know we were naming her after my little sister. He gives me a sad smile as tears fill his eyes before he glances down at her.