Hope for Her (Hope #1) (15 page)

"Okay, well, the place is clean, but there's no food."

Josh came around to open my door. He grabbed my bag and held his other hand out to help me up.

"We'll call down later if we need something," Josh said.

“You guys need anything, give me a call."

"Thanks."

We walked into the entry, and I held Josh's hand tight. We stepped into the elevator and he punched in a code and we rode it to the top floor.

When I walked out of the elevator, we stepped into the entryway of an apartment that took up the whole floor. The entire back wall of the room looked out onto the ocean for miles. I headed straight for the balcony. The cool air took my breath away as I peered over the edge.

I turned around to find Josh standing in the doorway staring at me.

"This place is amazing."

He stepped out to join me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Yeah, I love this place. My mother and I would escape here when we couldn't deal with being at the mansion."

I held his arms, and he squeezed me tighter. I leaned my head back to rest on his chest.

"I'm sorry I ran away. I wasn't running away from you."

"I know."

"I-"

"You don't have to explain. It's fine. You're not comfortable in that environment. I get it."

"No." I pushed out of his arms and turned to face him. "It's not me. No one would be fine in that environment, under that kind of scrutiny. That's not normal."

"I know."

"No, I don't think you know. Or maybe you're too close to understand that normal people don't live like your family and your father and his archaic views on relationships. Your sister's in denial that she’s married to a sadistic womanizing freak and your other sister doesn't have a life of her own because she is still trying to get her daddy to love her. It's sad."

"Carr, I know. You don't have to tell me about my family."

"Why would you even bring me there?"  I asked.

"I don't know. I thought it would be different with you." He sat down on one of the lounge chairs. "You’re so much like my mother, and I don't mean that in a creepy way."

"Well, explain, because that is kind of creepy."

"I just mean that like my mom, you understand that the money, the mansion, my father’s name doesn’t mean anything. It’s not who I am. I thought if I brought you to the party, you would understand where I come from and more important, you would understand why it’s so hard for me to talk about my mother."

"Josh, what happened to your mother?" I asked.

"She killed herself."

Chapter Eighteen

Joshua Elijah Griffin, IV

"My parents met at FSU. It was love at first sight,” I said and tried to control my cynical smirk. My parents never looked like two people in love. “Everyone knew my dad because of our family, but he fell for a hippie from Tennessee, which wasn’t allowed. Everyone expected my dad to marry someone from a wealthy family. Despite that, he married my mom anyway.”

We headed back inside and sank into the overstuffed couch. I continued to tell Carrington about my parents. I hoped once she heard, she would understand me better.

"My father wasn't always an asshole. My mom told me story after story about how different he was back then. My dad’s family already had his life planned out—he would take over the family business when he graduated. But when he told my grandfather he wanted to take a year off and travel with my mom, they blamed her for changing him. They treated her so bad back then and she took it because my father promised things would be different once they got married.

"So, my parents got married at city hall their senior year and kept it a secret from everyone until after they graduated. They planned to take off and travel the world with my father’s trust fund and after a year, they would return to Florida and my father would take over the business. But when he told my grandfather, he freaked and cut him off. My mom and dad flew to London a few days later, but after two weeks of living in hostels and riding trains, my dad got a good idea of what it was like to live without money.  He was miserable. He convinced my mom to go back. He told her he would work for his dad until he turned twenty-five and by that time, the money would be his and they could do whatever they wanted."

"So what happened?"

"Amanda, and then Erin came along, and then a few years later, I showed up. My grandfather died and no one else could take over, so my dad stayed. Like he never even discussed it with my mom, it just sort of happened. She still held out hope. I remember her telling me how she and Dad were going to travel the world someday, so she held on to this dream for like ten years. I felt so bad for her."

“God, that’s so sad. Can you imagine living your life so unhappy for so long?”

Carrington had no idea that was how I’d been until I met her.

"My sisters were always close to my father, but when I came along, he was so excited to have a son. You know the whole male heir thing. My mom said he acted like the King of England. His legacy would live on because he had a son to carry his name, but it became pretty obvious pretty quick that I wasn't turning out to be the son my father wanted.”

I was embarrassed to admit all this to Carrington, but she needed to hear it as much as I needed to tell her.

“Early on, I was afraid of my father, and my mom kind of shielded me from him as much as she could.”

“Why were you afraid of him?”

“I don’t know. I guess his size intimidated me. To a little boy, he seemed like a giant.”

“But your sisters weren’t scared.”

“No, but …”

“Umm, I don’t know, but there had to be a reason why you and your dad didn’t get along.”

“I don’t know either, maybe I hated him because of the way he treated my mother and he hated me because I was weak and always took my mom’s side.”

Carrington’s eyebrows squished together and she looked off in the distance as she frowned. She remained quiet, so I continued. 

“I admit it. I was a little shit growing up and in high school I got into some trouble and my dad sent me to military school for a year. My mom didn’t want me to go, but my father insisted. She killed herself two months after I left.”

"Oh my God. Josh I am so sorry.” Carrington scooted closer and stroked my arm. I kept talking.

"She took a bunch of pills with alcohol and went to sleep." Carrington blinked back tears and I watched as she took in everything I was telling her. I thought I had gotten over my mom's death, but seeing it affect Carrington hurt. I never wanted to cause her pain. I wrapped my arms around her and held her.

"Did she leave you a note or tell you what pushed her over the edge?"

"She left me a message on my phone."

Carrington sat up.

"What did it say?"

I recited the message to Carrington. I’d listened to it so often, I knew it by heart.

Hi my sweet Joy. I wanted to let you know that I love you and I am so proud of the man you are becoming. You have to know I would never have done this if I didn't think you could handle everything. You are strong and brave, not like me. Please don't blame yourself. I hope you realize how hard this was for me to leave you. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I have my reasons. Don't blame your father either. He doesn't know any better. I love you Joshie, my Joy. Stay true to your sweet heart.

Tears ran down Carrington’s face and she tried to speak. Her voice faltered.

“Oh, wow, Josh,” she muttered.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have told you all this. It happened a long time ago.”

"No, I’m glad you told me.”

“You know I’ve never told anyone about her message.”

“Not even your sisters?”

“No, Amanda could not have handled it and Erin was so weird when my mom died.

Carrington stared back out at the balcony.

“What?”

“It just all seems like a waste.”

“What do you mean?”

"Well, maybe your mother on some level still loved your dad and that's why she never left."

"Yeah, maybe."

"I may sound naive, but there is something beautiful about believing love will conquer all."

“Seems kind of idealistic, don’t you think?”

"Maybe, but wouldn’t it be crazy if your father believed it, too. And maybe that’s why he resents you so much because he thought his wife loved you more.”

“Come on Carrington, this isn’t Macbeth where talking about. They were doomed from the beginning, they were just too stupid to realize it.”

“Maybe they were too much in love to realize it.”

"Well if that’s the case, maybe there is hope for us,” I joked, but Carrington didn’t find it funny. She stood up and headed back on the balcony. I left her alone.

Carrington returned to the couch a few minutes later. She sat down next to me and took my hand. I relaxed when I looked in her eyes and saw that my demons hadn’t scared her.

I spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but I never felt as calm and my brain had never been so quiet.

I started pulling her close and leaned in to kiss her, but she turned away. I tried not to take it personal.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"No, don't be sorry. I know this was a lot to take."

"It's not that."

"What is it?"

"Your parents’ story. It’s like us, and I see you trying to make sure we have a different ending, but it’s too much. Josh I can’t be this …I don’t want to be your escape from some predetermined tragedy. It’s too much pressure.”

I smiled and held her face, because I wanted to make sure she saw me and understood.

"Carrington, you are not my escape. Because I don’t need to escape anymore.” I brushed my lips across hers and that sealed it for me. “Don’t you see? You’re my heart … You’re my life."

***

Carrington Olivia Butler

In my eighteen years of wishing and hoping to become someone's something, I never thought about what it would be like being someone's everything.

The pressure pushed on my chest and it made it hard for me to breathe.

After the party and the escape and the deep conversation, I was exhausted. Josh and I headed to bed, which I welcomed if only so I didn’t have to acknowledge his last statement. We crawled in under the covers, and Josh fell fast asleep. I tossed and turned for a few hours, but finally gave up. I thought a bath would clear my head, but I caught a glimpse of the sun peeking over the horizon. I grabbed a jacket and headed to the beach.

I took off my shoes and squished my toes in the sand. I have lived in Florida for three months and never been to the beach. The vastness of it overwhelmed my senses. I smelled the salt water, and it cleansed and cleared out my head. I walked closer to the water and let the waves rush over my feet up to my shins.

"You're my life," kept ringing through my ears. I hated to admit it because I thought I was the kind of girl who found and fell in love hard. I loved all that mushy romantic stuff. I cried over happy endings. I wanted an endless love. Josh was giving me that and I should be happy.

So, why do I feel so nauseous?

I understood how hard it was for Josh to open up to me like that, but I couldn’t help notice a connection between his parents’ story and us. I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe we were doomed, too.

Our relationship flashed through my mind.

There were so many red flags, but I chose not to focus on them because being with Josh was exciting and new. The baseball stadiums, family gatherings, philandering brother-in-laws, and socially stunted overprotective sisters each would be enough to make an ordinary girl hightail it and run.

My family seemed normal in comparison.

So, why do I stay?

I wanted a fairy tale, but I want it at the right time and place.

Josh's do or die, now or never, love last forever brand of togetherness was too much to take.

Maybe I was too practical for love. Matt loved me more than I loved him, and it ended in him hating me. Josh charmed me into liking him and gave me the attention I craved.

I looked back up at the balcony and noticed Josh peeking over the edge watching me. What would he do if I took off and never came back? Or worse, what if I walked into the ocean and never came out?

Don’t be dramatic, Carrington.

The alternative to being with Josh wasn't killing myself. I shivered thinking about his mother.

Josh needed a jolt, something drastic to happen to make him understand how normal people lived—a dose of reality.

God, why is this so hard?

Why couldn’t I meet a nice guy, a simple guy with no issues? Why couldn’t I find someone to study with and go to parties and cheer at football games with? I was in college, dammit. I wanted to get drunk and cheer Chief Osceola as he slammed the spear into the ground and stormed the field after we kicked Florida’s ass. I wanted to get swept up in all the hype and meet a certain star quarterback, with brown hair and a smile that lit up the sky, on the fifty-yard line and make out in the sea of students.

Whoa! Where did that come from?

I hadn’t thought about Jackson since the last time I ran into him at the frat house. That was weeks ago. I pushed him out of my mind when Josh and I got serious.

Why did my mind go there?

I had no interest in Jackson.

Although, the way the sun reflected off the ocean reminded me of the color of his eyes and when he took his helmet off on the sideline, his strong hands would wipe the sweat off his face, and I imagined sucking the sweat off each and every finger.

Yeah, see, I swear he never entered my mind until today.

Lusting over Jackson…not the best use of my time.

I stood up and dusted the sand off my butt. I needed to talk to Josh. I needed to explain to him how much I enjoyed being with him, but I wasn't ready for happily ever after.

I turned back to the condo and then back to the ocean, back to the condo and back to the ocean again.

I was stuck and scared, I sat back down in the sand and winced as it cut into the back of my ankles. I pushed the sand around and created small mounds and then smashed them with my fist until it disappeared. I watched the sun make its appearance into the sky and crest over the water and sway like it hung from an imaginary string. It rose higher and higher and by the time it made its apex over the horizon, I knew what I needed to do.