Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (25 page)

[that says] like: “Wait until marriage” or something. But it’s not like anything else [is different than any other school].

Like [I said before] there’s not condoms in the bathroom or anything like that. But I think the girls and the guys, they pretty much hook up, they just hook up the same [whether they are at a Catholic college or not]. Because I think you can still be like religious, like I said before, I’m religious, but I still engage in like premarital sex. But I don’t think that’s wrong necessarily. So I think that’s where a lot of people are right now.

The change in the script for sexual behavior on the college campus is part of a larger trend toward increased premarital sexual experience throughout our culture.13 In one of the most comprehensive studies on sexual behavior of men and women in the United States, Laumann et al. found that the median age at first sexual intercourse H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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decreased throughout the twentieth century, particularly for white women. In the latest birth cohort, the median age at first intercourse was approximately 17 for white men and women.14 This change, coupled with the increased age at first marriage, has led those who came of age in more recent years to accumulate more sexual partners than those in the pre-sexual-revolution dating era.15 Changing times and circumstances have led to a change in society’s standards regarding premarital sex. In the dating era, “waiting for marriage” meant delaying intercourse for a relatively short period of time. In the hookup era, men and women spend more time being single adults, so delaying intercourse for marriage has become an increasingly difficult standard to achieve. Therefore, in the hookup era, society does not strictly dictate that men and women wait for marriage, and any religious regulations to that effect are not staunchly followed.16

Although the contemporary ideal may be for intercourse to occur only in committed relationships, on the college campus many students were willing to have sex under other circumstances when the ideal was not available or, in the case of some college men, when the ideal was not desired. The increased sexual possibilities with the hookup script may seem to create more options for college students. In other words, while those in the dating era were not supposed to engage in sexual intercourse on dates, those in the hookup era can choose to have sexual intercourse or choose to abstain (until they are in an exclusive relationship or married). However, increased choice has also brought about a sense of normlessness.

The fact that there are no clear standards has led to confusion for students trying to decide when sex is appropriate. Many students believe that having sex is simply a matter of personal choice. The problem is that students’ “personal” choices are affected by what they perceive

“everybody else” is doing sexually. Unfortunately, students’ perceptions are often distorted. For example, if students perceive other students as being highly sexually active under a wide array of circumstances via the hookup scene, they may not want to be left behind. This helps explain how virginity, at least for women, went from a “treasure to be safeguarded” (in the dating era) to a “problem to be solved” (in the post-sexual-revolution hooking-up era).17 In fact, some college students spoke of virginity as something to “get rid of” to avoid being

“known as a virgin.”18

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KB
: Do you know any people that are virgins?

Larry
: Very few. Very few.

KB
: How is that viewed? Is it males or females that you know that are virgins?

Larry
: I’d say I know both and it’s very shady. People that are virgins I’ve found, I find out that they are virgins because they won’t come out and tell you. They kind of seem a little shameful of it. They haven’t “done it” yet, if you want to put it that way.

KB
: Guys are embarrassed about it or girls are embarrassed about it too?

Larry
: Both.

KB
: Okay. Is that something people would get teased about?

Larry
: Sure. Sometimes [people will say] like: “You haven’t done it yet, what are you waiting for?” I’ve seen that before. [Senior, Faith University]

Rebecca
: I know a lot of people who just want to get the sex thing, well one person, who just wanted to get the sex thing over with. She didn’t need it really to mean a lot, she just needed it to be over, so she could have her virginity gone, you know

[laughing]. [But losing your virginity is] supposed to be a special moment kind of thing. [Sophomore, State University]

The lack of a clear standard in the hookup era has also led to some problematic behavior. For those students who believe “anything goes,” college social life can take the form of excessive drinking and exploitive sexual encounters. In 2006, the media spotlight turned to Duke University when rape allegations were made against three members of their lacrosse team. Although this scandal held the attention of the public for a variety of reasons, it underscored the problem many college campuses face with regard to the extremes of the hookup culture. Regardless of the outcome of the criminal investigation, it was clear that members of this team were engaging in heavy alcohol consumption and creating a sex-charged atmosphere by hiring two exotic dancers. It is this type of behavior that has concerned many scholars who have studied binge drinking, fraternity life, and rape.19

Students define normal sexual behavior relative to their peers.

Those who get caught up with certain groups on campus, who define H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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their college experience as the characters did in the movie
Animal House,
might have trouble distinguishing the behavior of their friends from that of a typical college student. With no firm guidelines decreeing when, where, and with whom sex is appropriate, some students can engage in lewd behavior and think it’s permissible because there are no rules saying otherwise.

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Along with the rule forbidding premarital sex, the conventions of the dating script pertaining to the emotional side of relationships also wa-vered in the shift to hooking up. In the dating era, the script offered an opportunity for men and women to learn about their dating partners.

While there may have been plenty of cross-sex interaction generally, going on a date represented a distinct time where the pair could get to know each other. While the dating script dictated that men and women spend “quality time” together, hooking up does not. Although the hookup script does not preclude two people from getting to know each other (aside from sexually), it does not require it, either. Liz, a freshman at Faith University, began hooking up with someone she met in the first weeks of school. Although hooking up continued for months and eventually led to sexual intercourse, it never became a romantic relationship.

When Liz’s partner began to show less interest in frequent hookup encounters and the sexual aspect of the relationship fizzled, she found that there was not much of a foundation for a relationship. Even build-ing a close friendship was a struggle.

KB
: If you could paint an ideal scenario of how you would meet and get together with someone, how would it be?

Liz
: Well, I guess . . . seeing them at a party or something and having a nice conversation, realizing that we have something in common or that we seem to hit it off. And then, um, like maybe he would get my number and then we’d talk or I would see him on campus or something. And then we would hang out the next weekend and see where it went from there. I don’t like jumping into things because that always ends up bad, I feel like.

KB
: Why do you think it does?

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Liz
: Because you don’t give it a chance to become friends with someone or you don’t really know someone [if you hook up with him right away]. I think that’s what happened to me in the beginning [of this year] because we just jumped into it so fast and . . . we’re just starting now to like become like real friends. . . . Of course we were friends before, but it was more on like a physical level and now that it’s backed off [and we don’t hook up as often anymore] it’s kind of like upsetting.

Like I feel bad for myself, you know, that I let that happen.

Like, I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to just like meet someone and jump right into something because it doesn’t give it enough like . . . like um . . .

KB
: The time to develop the friendship aspect?

Liz
: Yeah, yeah, things just like, yeah. I don’t know, and when things fizzled with that person it was like: “What are you left with?”

Men and women in the hookup scene seem to have to work harder to build a relationship of any kind. Thus, to the extent that relationship formation is a goal, dating offered a better script for doing this. This point was emphasized by many recent graduates. After college, the men and women I interviewed became increasingly focused on finding a boyfriend/girlfriend, and in order to do so, most virtually abandoned hooking up in favor of traditional dating.

Getting to know someone, via the dating script, was also a way for men and women to ascertain whether or not they had romantic feelings toward their dating partner. Presumably, if feelings got stronger as the couple continued dating, sexual intimacy would also increase. Thus, in the dating era, there was some expectation that the degree of sexual intimacy would match the degree of emotional intimacy. In other words, two people would become increasingly sexually intimate as they grew

“closer.”20 In fact, during the dating era there was a level of sexual intimacy deemed appropriate for each stage of the dating process.21 Ideally, young men and women would initially limit their sexual interaction to kissing.22 Within an ongoing dating relationship, necking and petting were hallmarks of the dating experience.23 Sexual intercourse was supposed to be reserved for marriage, but often took place with dating couples once marriage was imminent.24 These rules were not always followed, but there was a standard sense of appropriate behavior for each H O O K I N G U P A N D DAT I N G

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stage of the dating script, and love or a strong romantic attachment was a part of the equation.

Sexual intimacy in the hookup era is no longer as symbolic of relationship status as it was in the dating era. There is still a sequential pattern for relationships: hooking up, seeing each other, and going out, but it is not altogether clear what the corresponding sexual behavior is for each stage. Sexual intercourse is expected in many of the “going out” relationships; however, it is less clear what one should do sexually in the other contexts.25 The students I spoke with were vague in response to questions about when certain degrees of sexual intimacy were appropriate. Some suggested one should wait (at least for sexual intercourse) until “it feels right” or “until you can trust someone.” Interestingly, none of the men and women mentioned love as a prerequisite for sex.

It is safe to say that in the hookup era the degree of sexual intimacy is often unrelated to the level of commitment to the relationship. In fact, many of the college students, particularly women, indicated that they were more likely to “go farther” sexually with someone during a hookup if they did not like the person that much or believed there was no relationship potential. This is not to say that romantic feelings are absent among hookup partners, but that the hookup script does not dictate an emotional attachment.

THE GROUP

Perhaps the decreasing importance of emotional attachment between sexual partners in college derives from the increasing importance of friendship groups among students. In the shift from the dating era to the hooking up era, the focus went from the pair to group-oriented socializing.26 The dating script called for a couple to go out together and the man and woman would each play a strict gender role. According to advice books from that era, men and women were supposed to play opposite but “complementary” roles in the dating script.27 Men were expected to initiate the date and “take the lead” throughout the evening; men were also responsible for any expenses incurred on the date.28

Women, on the other hand, were supposed to wait to be asked out on a date, let the man determine the plan for the date, and so on. The dating script did not allow much room for altering the roles played by men and women. In the hooking-up era, college students are more focused on 166

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groups of friends going out together. Of course, those who end up engaging in a hookup encounter pair off at the end of the night, but the evening’s socializing is done among a gathering of classmates.

The shift to group socializing also means that no one is forced out of the social scene. Although there may have been some “mixers” where singles could go to socialize in the dating era, weekends were often reserved for “date nights.” There also may have been occasions where a person would go “stag,” but socializing was done primarily in dating pairs. The hookup script does not dictate that one must hook up in order to socialize in places where hooking up is possible. On any given night there are many more students out partying or bar hopping than will actually hook up. In fact, many of the men and women I interviewed who were in exclusive relationships still went to campus parties and bars with their friends at least some of the time. Thus, although the dating script left many students sitting at home while their classmates went out on “hot dates,” the hookup scene promotes a form of interaction where, at least theoretically, anyone can join the party.29 To be sure, there are men and women in the hookup scene who are more sought after than others (just as there were in the dating era). The difference is that the men and women who do not rate high on the desirability scale are less likely to be shut out from being a part of the social scene altogether.30

Group socializing is also central to men and women after college.