Hookah (Insanity Book 4) (21 page)

“North Korea and South Korea, too.” The March points at them in the far corner.

“Is that the Russian and Ukrainian presidents?” I point.

“Not sure,” Fabiola says. “But I’m sure that’s the American president throwing china at the Queen of Hearts.”

“She is enjoying this,” the March says.

We watch her atop a high chair raiding the American ambassadors with her favorite teacups.

“The Queen shoots teacups better than Tiger Woods on a golf course,” a voice says behind us.

A voice we all know well. The Pillar.

“I thought I told you...” Fabiola begins.

The Pillar pulls her down instantly. A series of teacups swoosh above her head and knocked a reporter down to the floor. Fabiola looks more annoyed he saved her this time. She waves his hand off and looks the other way.

“Is she always that way?” the Pillar tells me. “I thought nuns had manners.”

“We don’t have time for this.” I tuck a syringe against his chest. “Dip this into the American president’s neck.”

“I’m going to kill him?”

“No. It will cure him of the plague. Sadly, we only have four. So our best shot is to save the American president, Iranian, Israeli and Egyptian.”

“I’d say the China and German presidents are good ones, too,” Fabiola says. “We’re not sure if offending the Germans won’t give birth to another Hitler.”

“Basically the most powerful president.” I duck as another saucer almost knocks me down. “The aim is to cool the world down and stop them from the telling the truth about how they feel about each other.”

“You want one in your chest too, Fabiola?” the Pillar says.

She dismisses him and turns toward the presidents. “I’ll take the Jews’ and Arabs’.”

“You should take the American president,” I tell the Pillar.

“Why me?”

“Just do as I say,” I demand. “I’ll make sure you’re doing well and then go look for Carolus.”

“Ah, I forgot. First make sure World War III won’t happen, and then make sure to save the lazy human who’s done nothing to find a cure.”

“That’s it.” I’m not going to argue now.

“I think you will need to stay longer, Alice.” The March grits his teeth against all things crashing around us.

“Why?”

“You need to inject the Queen of Hearts.”

“She is a Wonderlander. She can’t get infected with the truth.”

“Not if it’s inhaled from the Hookah of Hearts, but she injected it into the tea, and that’s a different story. I just remembered.”

“Well, you should have remembered about two years ago,” the Pillar says. “No wonder she is all bonkers, shooting saucers like a short stocky alien in a movie I never saw.”

“All right.” I grit my teeth. “So I’ll inject the Queen.”

“Did you notice we’ve been discussing this a bit too long?” Fabiola urges us. “Let’s get going.”

“But they always have long chats in movies when bullets are showering all around them.” The Pillar has one of those childish episodes again.

“Stop it,” I shush him. “Let’s go. In the chest, remember?”

“Wait,” the March itches his ears. “I just remembered something now.”

The Pillar rolls his eyes.

“The syringes don’t work when you pinch them into the chest,” the March says. “It has to be the...”

“The what?” I am as impatient as the Pillar now.

“In the butt.”

Fabiola and I are so shocked we can’t utter a word. But the Pillar curves an eyebrow and has a smile on his face. “Fantabulous. Why didn’t you say so from the beginning?”

Parking Lot, UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland

C
arolus was close to hitting his head against the walls. It hurt so much. He needed another Lullaby pill. Why hadn’t this terrible Queen given him more than one pill?

“Cool down,” he spoke to himself. “It’ll only be moments before Alice comes looking for you outside. Be patient.”

But he couldn’t. He fell on his knees, his head buried in his hands. “I hate you, Lewis Carroll!”

While on the asphalt floor outside the meeting hall, he heard a voice in his head. A voice so evil he could not dismiss it.

Stand up. You’re close to achieving what no one has in years. You’re so close.

“Yes, my master.” Carolus propped himself on one knee, the pain surging into his spine now.

The voice continued.

The plan with the plague has been brilliant. Two years we have waited for this to happen. We had to bring wrath onto the world to get the attention of one girl.

“Of course, master,” Carolus said. “I must not give up. It’ll only be minutes until she comes out and the plan is complete.” Slowly, he began to rise to his feet, a dark grin forming on his face. “I’m sure this plan will be taught in history books. It’s the plan of the century.”

UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland

W
atching Fabiola swoosh her Vorpal sword at whoever tries to stop us is both maddening and fascinating.

The best part is how good she is. She fights like an expert samurai, and it makes me more curious about her past. I watch her curve behind a few presidents and stab the first with the syringe, not emptying all of it so she can still save a few others.

The German ambassador looks so relived after his injection, as if he’s just been to the bathroom.

“Just the butt, or do we have to pull down the pants?” the Pillar says, dodging punches from a bodyguard who seems to want to hit anyone he comes across.

“Just do it!” I jump on top of a table and kick a few guards in the face with the back of my umbrella.

A lost tea cup knocks me down a moment after. I summersault back on the floor. A few None Fu techniques come in handy now.

“Bravo, Alice!” The March claps his hands, a fraction of a second before a huge pie slams into him. He starts licking at it.

I watch the Pillar inject the Iranian president in the butt and suppress a laugh. If only I could take a snapshot of that moment. It looks hilarious. The Pillar looks embarrassed that he did it. But the consequences are amazing. A smile on the president’s face, trying to calm everyone down and listening to the sound of reason.

However, there is this reporter from outside still tailing me. “Didn’t you say Bonkerstan has a cure?”

No time to explain now. I sprint on top of the tables and reach for the Queen of Hearts. If I could only get my hands on her, I’d inject her right away.

But she rewards me with a back hand like a professional tennis player. I stagger back, birds twittering around me.

On the floor, I see the Pillar trying to get hold of the American president. But it seems the president is fixated on throwing saucers at the Queen of Hearts. I wonder how this will look like in tomorrow’s headlines.

They’re so close. It’ll only be seconds before this fight turns physical.

The TV is broadcasting.

“I’m close to getting him, Alice,” the Pillar says. “You close in on the Queen from the back, and we’ll do’em both in one move.”

The TV reporter tailing me doesn’t like the sound of that at all.

I prop myself up and jump on the Queen, knocking her to the ground. The broadcasting crew is already shocked by my move—as if none of what’s going on around them is shocking.

I look as if I’m strangling the Queen, who only chirps one sentence,
off with her head!

Once I get hold of her, I realize the Pillar is gripping the American president as well.

“Time to save the world.” The Pillar snickers, bending the president over as if he is going to punish him for being bad by slapping his butt.

Saying it looks surreal is an understatement. I can’t believe this is happening.

In one move, the Pillar and I inject the American president and the Queen of England with the syringes in their butts with grins of victory on our faces.

“Yes!” the Pillar says.

Turning my head, the reporter tailing me is dangling her tongue like a Mushroomer. Behind her, the camera crew have this unexplainable expression on their faces. They don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry.

“I
s that Alice sticking her hands in the Queen’s...?” Tom Truckle stood speechless staring at them.

“It’s your fault if you ask me.” The Cheshire, still posing as Jack, cops a laugh. “You’re the one who let her out of the asylum.”

“But even if she is the craziest of the crazy, why would she do that?” Of course Tom knew this wasn’t the Queen of England but the Queen of Hearts. He’d thought that last week’s events at the Event were the craziest he’d ever experience, but this topped that a million times. “I really could use my pills now.”

“I see you gulp a lot of those,” the Cheshire commented. “Are they good?”

“I don’t even know. I just take them to stay sane in this world gone mad.”

“Do they have a name? I could buy me some.”

“You won’t find them anywhere. They’re called Lullaby.”

Parking Lot, UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland

I
leave the meeting hall looking for Carolus.

There is no need to stay in. Most of the presidents have been cured and are apologizing for what happened, talking world peace now—and of course what to do with the real plague that’s threatening the world.

I also left Fabiola trying to see if the March can cook more of this cure, although it’d be impossible to inject the whole population in their butts to save their lives.

Just a few feet out of the meeting hall, Carolus Ludovicus grins at me, although he still looks to be in pain.

“I was waiting for you,” he says.

“For me?” I am confused. Why would someone who I need to kill wait for me? But I have nothing to do but talk now. The sun behind me sets low, and I haven’t figured out how to kill him yet so I can save the world.

“I’ve been waiting for you for years, Alice.”

“Years?” I’m more and more confused.

“Since the first day I materialized into life. You have no idea how many headaches I had to give Lewis until he was weak enough to let me out into the world.”

“It’s a pretty hard concept to grasp, that you’re his darker side, I mean.”

“The Cheshire likes to say ‘we’re all mad here.’” He’s half circling me from a distance, his head tilted to the right a bit. “He is wrong. ‘We’re all schizophrenic here’ is the right phrase. Lewis is no different front the rest of us. Darkness lurks in all of us.”

“Don’t compliment yourself.” I’m still buying time. “You’re just a figment of your imagination.”

“Isn’t Jack the same?” His stare is piercing through me. “But you love Jack and don’t love me.”

“Don’t compare yourself to Jack. What do you really want?”

“I want what you want.”

“I don’t think so.” I slowly step closer to him. Maybe I need to lock him up somewhere until I figure out how to kill him. “You want to laugh at the world by showing them that they can’t handle the truth.”

“And isn’t it fun?”

“No it isn’t. If you want fun, go ride a roller coaster. Now, what do you really want? Why aren’t you running away from me when you know I’m the only who can kill Carroll’s split persona?”

“Why do you think I’m not running, Alice?” He dares me and slowly limps toward me.

This is strange. I don’t understand what’s going on.

“You think I made the March Hare cook this plague to end the world?”

“It’s a plausible assumption.” I’m not going to stop. I try not to be scared of him. It’s like playing tip-top, only waiting to see who will kill the other first.

“And why would I want to end the world?” He flaps his eyes sideways, and balloons start falling from the sky.

This is surreal. I never thought balloons could scare me this much.

“So explain it to me. You plague the world but still don’t want anyone to die. Either I’m mad or it’s you whose screws are loose.”

“None of us are mad, Alice.” Closer. “I created this plague for one reason—other than having fun by laughing at humans killing each other because of the truth, of course.”

“I have an asylum I have to go back to, so cut it short because I don’t have all night. Sleeping early is good for mad girls like me.”

“You want short? Okay.” He stops, his cheeks twitching against the pain. Maybe I don’t have to kill him at all. Maybe the migraine will. “I created this plague to find you.”

“You wanted to see me? Why not send an SMS?” I keep approaching.

“Because how do I know you’re the real Alice?”

Now I stop.

“I had to create an end of the world scenario because only the Real Alice would stand up to face me,” he says. “If you weren’t the Real Alice, you wouldn’t be standing here this very moment.”

There is a lump in my throat. “And why did you want to find me?”

UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland

F
abiola finally escaped the guards who caught her, thinking she was a terrorist. Funny how mad people think of you as mad once you cure them.

“Where is Alice?” She bumped into the Pillar.

“Outside. She’ll kill Carolus to stop the plague.”

“Something’s not right, Pillar. You have to save her. I mean save him.” She hit the Pillar in the chest.

“I don’t understand.”

“The March Hare just remembered why Carolus imprisoned him in Brazil.”

“Why?”

“Because he feared the March would remember his plan and expose him.”

“His plan? You mean the plague?”

“No, the real plan behind the plague.”

“You mean Carolus doesn’t want to end the world?”

“No. He wanted the plague to lead him to the real Alice. It was a test so he could find her.”

“Find her?” The Pillar thought for a moment. “Find her and what? Kill her?”

“That’s a possibility, but I don’t think that’s it.” She was trying to frantically find an exit, as the guards had locked them for security.

“Then why did he use the plague to lead him to Alice?”

“Don’t you get it?”

The Pillar’s face drooped as if he’d just aged twenty years. “Lewis Carroll!”

Parking Lot, UN Headquarters, Geneva, Switzerland