Honeysuckle Summer (16 page)

She counted slowly, tried to time her breaths to a nice even rhythm and took that next step. Then a few more.

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” the psychologist asked.

“I haven’t fallen apart yet, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Then keep going. Let’s cross the grass so you can wait for Carter to turn in to the driveway. Think about how pleased he’ll be to have you waiting for him. It’s only a few more feet. No big deal. And you’ll still be close to the house. I’m right here with you. You’re perfectly safe.”

Raylene swallowed hard, but she took the first step onto the grass. She couldn’t help glancing back toward the house to make sure she hadn’t strayed too far away from her sanctuary. Dr. McDaniels nodded encouragement.

“You’re doing great,” she told Raylene. “What kind of car does Carter drive?”

“A pickup,” Raylene responded, her breath catching. “A silver one.” Suddenly she couldn’t seem to get another breath. Her chest heaved. It felt as if her heart was going to pound right through her ribs. She hadn’t
had a setback like this in days. Angry with herself, she forced herself to take slow, deep breaths until her breathing steadied and her heartbeat slowed.

“You’re just fine,” the doctor soothed. “You heard the sound of Carter’s truck, that’s all. See, here he is, turning in to the driveway right now.”

Carter stepped out of the truck, amazement on his face, as if he’d caught her turning somersaults down the block. “Well, look at you,” he said, grinning as he had on the day he’d discovered her on the patio. “Going for a walk, are you?”

She frowned at the hopeful note in his voice. “Hardly.”

Even so, he looked thrilled, as if he’d been waiting for a moment like this since the day they’d met. As he came around the car, a part of her wanted to run to him, but the panic stirred yet again, then took over. She was rooted in place, hyperventilating, close to passing out.

Dr. McDaniels obviously recognized the symptoms, because she moved in close and took Raylene’s arm. She must have given Carter a subtle nod, too, because he was immediately beside her, as well. They half walked, half carried her back to the house. It wasn’t more than twenty feet or so, but it seemed like miles. The psychologist murmured soothing words until they were safely inside. Raylene nearly collapsed with relief.

Carter went for water while Dr. McDaniels continued to talk to her. Slowly, Raylene’s breathing returned to normal. The panic receded and her pulse rate slowed.

“You did great,” the doctor said as Raylene sipped the water, her face flushed with embarrassment.

“You call that great? What happened? I’d been getting better. I should be past these attacks by now.”

“There will be days like this, Raylene.”

“Forever?” she asked plaintively.

“Not forever,” the psychologist assured her. “Think about what you have accomplished, not about today’s minor little setback.”

“It’s not enough,” Raylene said despondently. What counted was getting well enough to have a normal life, a full life with Carter. Being able to be there for Carrie and Mandy the way she should be, not sitting on the sidelines, but truly involved in their lives. Maybe even kids down the road. Not a life where success was measured by stepping a few feet outside of her own front door.

She gathered the few bits of her composure remaining and stood. “I’ll leave the two of you alone to talk. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

She saw the dismay on the psychologist’s face and the worry on Carter’s, but she had nothing to say that would reassure either one of them. In fact, she didn’t even have words to reassure herself.

“You should go to her,” Carter said, his gaze following Raylene. He’d never seen her look so defeated, not even after he’d found her in a similar state in the backyard.

Dr. McDaniels shook her head. “She won’t hear anything I have to say right now. Besides, she’s very anxious for the two of us to talk about your sister. Tell me what’s going on with her.”

Carter shook off his worries about Raylene and described everything he and others had been noticing about Carrie’s behavior. “I’m really scared for her, but she denies there’s a problem and I have no idea what to do next.”

“You know she needs help,” the doctor said. “That’s a great first step. I’d like to speak to her myself. Do you think she’d agree to come to my office?”

“Not willingly,” he said grimly. “But I could make it happen.”

“What about the nutritionist at the hospital? Would Carrie see her willingly? Maybe you could suggest that you know she’s been worried about her weight and that the nutritionist is someone who could help her develop a sensible eating plan.”

“She’ll see right through that. Right now she’s touchy about any mention of food.”

“What about insisting she get a physical for school with a general practitioner? I’d like to see some kind of clinical evaluation so we know where her health stands. If she really is anorexic, more than likely there will be evidence of it.”

“Again, she’s so sensitive to every suggestion even remotely related to her health, she’ll probably balk at that, too.”

“Okay, then, here’s where tough parenting is required. You may have to insist. It probably doesn’t matter which of those steps you take first, as long as you take one of them.”

“That’s it? There’s no other way?” he asked.

“You won’t like the alternative any better, and neither will she,” the doctor said, her expression grim. “I’d recommend that you put her into the hospital or a residential-treatment program to be evaluated. If a teen is simply in denial, usually the first mention of a hospital or treatment facility is enough to get them to start taking the situation seriously. She may be angry, but you’re the responsible adult. You can’t let anger or tears sway you from doing what needs to be done.”

Carter closed his eyes, trying to envision Carrie’s reaction to being committed somewhere for treatment.
He wasn’t sure he could do that. He was too afraid she’d feel as if he’d betrayed her.

“I’d like to make an appointment for her with you,” he said. “The first opening you have.”

“Tomorrow morning at ten,” she said at once.

“We’ll be there.”

“I’ll want to talk to her alone,” she told him.

“Not a problem. But I’ll be just outside the door in case she decides to try to bolt.”

“She’s going to be furious with you.”

“I can handle that, as long as she gets well.”

Dr. McDaniels regarded him with concern. “I know she’s your sister, not your child, but it’s awfully hard to see anyone you love look at you as if they hate you. Be prepared for that. Maybe you should talk to Ronnie or Dana Sue Sullivan and see how they coped with that when Annie was in treatment.”

“I’ll do that. I can deal with hard. It’s just as difficult to watch her wasting away and not have any idea how to help,” he said, grimly determined to get them both through whatever lay ahead.

“I’ll want to have some sessions with you and her sister, as well. Family counseling is an important part of the recovery from anorexia, if that’s what we’re dealing with.”

“Whatever you need. It’ll probably be good for Mandy, too. I think they’ve both dealt with a lot since we lost our parents. I’ve done the best I could, but I’m sure there’s a lot they’ve kept bottled up inside.”

“Grief could be a big part of Carrie’s behavior,” she said. “If it is, we’ll find better coping mechanisms.”

Carter nodded, relieved to have someone with real expertise on his side. “I’ll see you in the morning then.
Do you want to see Raylene before you go, or is it okay if I spend a few minutes with her?”

“I think she probably needs you more than she does me right now,” Dr. McDaniels said. “Tell her I’ll be back day after tomorrow at the regular time.”

Carter nodded and walked her to the door. When she was gone, he drew a deep breath and braced himself for seeing Raylene. He knew she’d probably spent the past half hour beating up on herself over falling apart. It was what she did. She set her expectations too high, then berated herself for failing.

When he went into the kitchen, he found her sitting at the table, her cheeks tracked with dried tears, her gaze distant.

“You doing okay?” he asked, though he could see that she wasn’t.

She merely shrugged.

“I had a good talk with Dr. McDaniels. She’s terrific. I’m going to take Carrie to see her tomorrow.”

A flicker of interest stirred in her expression before she shut down again. “I’m sure that will help.”

“Raylene, about what happened earlier—”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” she said, her cheeks flushing. “It was humiliating.”

“No,” he said adamantly. “It was brave. Every time you step outside, you’re fighting a fear I can’t even begin to imagine.”

“You face down worse fears every day when you go to work,” she said. “I’m practically scared of my own shadow. It’s crazy.
I’m
crazy.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” he said furiously. “You have a treatable panic disorder. You’re going to get better.”

She regarded him with a bleak expression. “What
if I don’t? What if this is the rest of my life, shut up in this house?”

“Then we’ll deal with it,” he said.

“Not we,” she said adamantly. “It’s my problem.”

“Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. You and me, we’re friends, no matter what else happens. Friends stick together. If you have a problem, I’m right here with you.”

“But you have Carrie to worry about,” she protested. “You don’t need to take on my situation, too.”

He held her gaze. “Yes, I do,” he said solemnly.

There was a faint flicker of hope in her eyes, but it faded. “But, Carter—”

“No arguments,” he said. “I’m not walking away from you. You can push all you like, but I’m staying.”

A smile touched her lips. “Maybe,” she began softly, “maybe you’re the crazy one.”

He grinned. “Could be, but that’s just the way it is.”

He stood up. “I need to get to work. Are you going to be okay?”

“Laurie and the kids will be back soon, and I think Sarah’s coming home early. I’ll be fine.”

He leaned down and touched his lips to hers. This time, though, a casual kiss wasn’t enough. He lingered and when she didn’t pull away, he deepened the kiss, tasting and savoring until he heard a low moan in the back of her throat.

He pulled away, then met her gaze. “
That’s
worth fighting for, don’t you think?”

She touched her fingers to her lips, which had curved finally into a full-fledged smile. “It just might be.”

He left then, feeling more optimistic than he had in weeks, not just about his sister’s future, but his own.

R
aylene had a bad night wondering if she was ever going to get better. Nothing Dr. McDaniels, Carter or even Sarah had said to her had reassured her that she was making real progress. For every step forward she’d taken, literally, it seemed she’d taken another one back. She tossed and turned most of the night and eventually wandered into the kitchen well before dawn, probably looking as frazzled and out of sorts as she felt. Sarah was already there having coffee before heading to the radio station.

“You look like hell,” Sarah commented cheerfully. When Raylene merely scowled and poured herself a cup of coffee, Sarah winced. “Okay, definitely not in a good mood.”

“Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep.”

“Because of what we talked about last night, the way your session with Dr. McDaniels went?”

Raylene nodded. “But, please, leave it alone. I don’t feel like rehashing it this morning.”

Sarah opened her mouth, then shut it again.

Raylene smiled. “Thank you.”

“If I didn’t have to get to work, I’d make you talk about this some more.”

“Go. Entertain. Laugh. Have a good day.”

Sarah paused. “You will be okay, right? Should I send someone over to cheer you up?”

“No,” Raylene said firmly. She needed to work through this on her own. She’d felt a few glorious glimmers of hope about the future recently. She had to figure out how to cling to those, rather than sinking into despair over her failures.

But despite what she’d told Sarah about wanting to be alone with her thoughts, a few hours later she opened the door and found Carter on the doorstep. She had a feeling his arrival wasn’t a coincidence.

“Sarah called me earlier,” he said. “She said you might be over here freaking out. What’s that about?”

“Just more of the same old, same old,” she said, dismissing it. “Do you have time for something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Tell me about Carrie. Did she have her session with Dr. McDaniels this morning?” Though she was genuinely interested, she hoped asking about Carrie would redirect the conversation away from her. “How did Carrie react when you told her she had an appointment to see a shrink?”

Carter rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you can imagine. First, she threw a tantrum and refused to go. Then, when I didn’t budge, she turned on the waterworks and pleaded with me not to make her go.”

“How’d you cope with that?”

“Thankfully I was prepared. Mostly, I tuned her out, even though the tears were killing me. I felt like the worst kind of big brother ever for forcing her to do this.”

“But you had to know in your heart you were being the
best
kind of big brother.”

“I tried to remember that, but it was hard with tears
streaming down her cheeks. I really, really hate it when people cry, especially when I’m responsible.”

“Ultimately, though, you got her to go?”

He nodded. “By then she was sulking and not speaking to me at all. The look she gave me when she walked into the office came pretty close to breaking my heart.”

“Any idea how the session went? Did Carrie say anything afterward? Or did you speak to Dr. McDaniels?”

“I have a follow-up with Dr. McDaniels tomorrow. We all do, in fact. I guess I’ll find out more then. Carrie’s still not speaking to me. She’s freezing out Mandy, too. The doc says that’s normal. Right now, Carrie obviously thinks we’ve all ganged up on her. We’re the enemy.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Me, too, but it has to be this way. Even I can see that. It’s better than sending her to the hospital or a treatment center. I tried to make her see that, but she told me there was nothing wrong with her, that I was just being mean and freaking out over nothing.”

He looked so miserable that Raylene found herself moving closer to him on the sofa. She reached out and touched his cheek. It was the first time she’d let herself initiate any contact. She saw surprise register in his eyes.

“It’s going to get better,” she assured him. “There may be some rough patches. There certainly were with Annie. I can remember back then Ty was just about the only one who could get through to her. Everyone else was her enemy, even Ronnie, and she adored her dad. It just about killed him to be tough with her. Maybe you could talk to him sometime, and see how he dealt with her anger.”

“Believe me, I will speak to him. I need to be reminded that we will get through this. It helps to see how close Annie and her family are, even after all they went through. That gives me hope.”

Raylene squeezed his hand. “I’m just coming to realize how important hope is,” she said. In fact, even though it was hard won, hope was just about the only thing that got her through some difficult days. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she wouldn’t lose it now.

Carter checked at least once a week with the prison to see if there was anything new on Paul Hammond’s possible release date in August. Though officials had promised to alert him before any release occurred, he wasn’t inclined to take chances. Parole hearings could be delayed or moved up. While he wouldn’t mind the former one bit, he wasn’t about to risk having the date come up faster than he was anticipating.

In the meantime, he’d been doing more research into Hammond’s background. Today he’d driven over to Charleston on his day off, left the girls to shop at a mall and done a little investigating around the hospital where Hammond had worked as an orthopedic surgeon. What he’d discovered had alarmed him even more.

It seemed Raylene hadn’t been his first victim, just the only one he’d married and the only one who’d reported him to police. Most of the women he spoke with thought she’d been incredibly brave, though some had openly declared it to be social suicide.

“She’ll never be welcome back in Charleston, not by that crowd,” one of the nurses said candidly. “In that social world, wives either suffer in silence or they leave. They don’t create a scandal. Their attitude is pretty dis
gusting, if you ask me. It means the men just keep getting away with it.”

Carter agreed. He couldn’t imagine a world where anyone turned a blind eye to abuse. “What about Hammond? Will he be welcomed back?”

“Not here,” the nurse said fiercely. “And I can’t think of a woman who’d let him treat her or allow him to touch her kids. The men might stick by him.” She shrugged. “If it were up to me, he’d lose his license to practice, but I don’t know what the medical board will decide.”

Though Carter wanted Hammond to lose everything, he worried that if Hammond wasn’t welcomed back into that same world with open arms, it would fuel his rage against Raylene.

By the time he picked up the girls a couple of hours later, Carter was more concerned than ever about the danger Hammond might pose.

“How come you’re so quiet?” Mandy asked, giving him a questioning look as she climbed into the front passenger seat.

“I just have a lot on my mind,” he said. “How was your shopping trip? You don’t seem to have a lot of bags. Does that mean my credit card didn’t get a workout?”

“Carrie wouldn’t shop,” Mandy said with disgust.

“I don’t need any clothes,” Carrie countered, settling into the backseat.

Her sour, defensive tone was the same one with which Carter was becoming all too familiar. She’d been this way ever since she’d started seeing Dr. McDaniels. Clearly, she hadn’t yet forgiven him for making her continue to go. So far she’d been refusing to go to
Raylene’s as well, obviously counting her among the enemies. He’d hoped the outing to Charleston would help, but it obviously hadn’t.

“Now,
that
has to be a first,” he said, his voice determinedly cheerful. “I thought you were dying to shop where the clothes have some style. Isn’t that what you’ve been telling me?”

“I just don’t want anything,” she said.

“She says everything makes her look fat,” Mandy said, turning around and giving her sister a defiant look.

Carter’s gaze shot to Carrie in the rearview mirror. “What’s that about, Carrie?”

“I never said that,” she said, casting a murderous look at Mandy. “I said I
felt
fat today. I ate too much at breakfast.”

All Carter recalled her eating was a half piece of toast and a bite of scrambled eggs. It was more than she usually touched, true, but hardly enough to cause her to feel full, much less fat.

Still, he refrained from responding. In their session this week, Dr. McDaniels had suggested he keep a close eye on Carrie and report to her, but not to be the bad guy by challenging her over every meal. She’d said the time would come for that, once the nutritionist became involved. That was scheduled for this week, though she hadn’t mentioned it to Carrie yet.

“Okay, let’s talk about something else,” Carter suggested. “How about stopping to see a movie before we head back?”

“That’d be cool,” Mandy said eagerly.

“I don’t feel like it,” Carrie said, clearly determined to be a spoilsport about everything.

“We could go sightseeing,” he suggested, giving
Mandy a pleading look in the hope that she wouldn’t argue. “The last time you girls were in Charleston, Mom and Dad brought you. You were pretty young.”

“I was old enough,” Carrie said. “It’s boring.”

Carter felt his last nerve close to snapping. “Okay, since you haven’t liked any of my suggestions, what would you like to do, Carrie?”

“We might as well go home,” she mumbled.

“No,” Mandy protested. “We’re here. I want to do something fun. Come on, Carter. Just because old sourpuss is in a bad mood, it shouldn’t spoil the day for the rest of us. Let’s at least go to the market downtown where the vendors have all that cool stuff. We can probably find someplace to eat, too.”

“Works for me,” he said, silently agreeing with her that to give in to Carrie’s mood would be sending the wrong message. She’d just have to get it together and deal.

He wove through the crowded streets until he finally found a parking place.

“I’ll stay in the car,” Carrie announced.

He turned and frowned at her. “No, you won’t. I can’t make you enjoy yourself, but you
will
come with us.”

“You’ve turned into nothing but a big bully,” she accused. “I wish Mom and Dad were still here.” And then she burst into tears.

Before he could think of what to say, Mandy scrambled out of the front passenger seat and jumped into the back to hug her sister. “I miss them, too,” she whispered, burying her face in Carrie’s shoulder.

They sat like that for a while until Carrie’s sobs quieted. When they separated, Carter handed her a fistful of tissues.

“Feel better?” he asked gently.

She nodded, her expression chagrined. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain all day.”

“Nothing new,” Mandy taunted, poking her in the ribs with an elbow.

A smile finally broke through on Carrie’s face. “You’ll pay for that, squirt. You have to use your allowance to buy me the first thing I see that I want.”

“Okay,” Mandy said agreeably. She grabbed Carrie’s hand and dragged her out of the car.

Carter watched as they started toward the market, then sighed. Was he ever going to figure out how to deal with two teenage girls and their mood swings, much less Carrie’s eating disorder? His appreciation for what parents everywhere had to cope with had increased a hundredfold since his parents’ deaths.

He glanced skyward. “Forgive me,” he murmured, hoping his folks could hear. “I apologize for every moment of grief I ever gave you.”

And then he went to catch up with his sisters.

Raylene listened as Carter described Carrie’s outburst earlier in the day. He’d left the girls at home watching a video, then dropped by to see her to bring her a pair of earrings he’d picked up from a jewelry vendor.

“The girls told me they’d go with your eyes,” he said of the lapis stones.

Raylene chuckled at the admission that the girls had made the choice. “Did you even have any idea what color my eyes are?” she teased.

“Sure, blue,” he said.

“Which can cover anything from gray-blue to turquoise or dark blue,” she said.

His gaze narrowed. “Is the eye-color thing a test of some kind?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, all I know is that when I used to look into your eyes I’d see nothing but sadness, and now I see a whole range of emotions.”

“Such as?”

“Right now I see laughter lurking in there. Sometimes there’s joy, sometimes annoyance…” He grinned. “And when you’re not censoring yourself, I see desire. Or maybe that’s just my ego playing tricks on me.”

She hesitated, not sure she was willing to have this discussion. “It’s true,” she finally admitted. “I want you, Carter, at least a part of me does.”

“And the rest?”

Now that the door had been opened, she might as well be completely honest. “The rest of me is scared of wanting you too much.”

His mouth curved. “Is there such a thing?”

“Typical male,” she accused, then explained, “Wanting something—someone—this much is new to me.”

“You were obviously in love with your husband at one time.”

“I was a teenager with stars in my eyes. Believe me, that feeling died in a hurry. This is different. It feels real and full of possibilities.”

“You’re being very careful to avoid putting a label on it,” he noted.

She grinned. “Yes, I am.” Because if she called it what she thought it was—love—the stakes of getting it wrong would increase a thousandfold.

He studied her intently. “Is this really about the emotions, or is it about the intimacy?” he asked.

“Both,” she conceded. “Don’t you remember what happened a few weeks ago when you put your arm around me?”

He waved off the incident. “I took you by surprise, that’s all. I’ve kissed you since then and you were fine with it. In fact, I’d say it went very well.”

“Very well,” she agreed.

“And just the other day, you reached out to me. It’s obvious, to me anyway, that you’re starting to trust me not to do anything you don’t want me to do.”

“I do trust you,” she said. “But I can’t predict when all those ingrained fears are likely to kick in. What if it happens at the wrong moment? Talk about a mood killer.”