Honest illusions(BookZZ.org) (47 page)

“Don’t, Roxy.”

“I’m not going to.” She shook her head when Lily’s arms came around her. “I never cried over him. Not once. I’m not going to start now.” But she let herself be comforted, turning her cheek to Lily’s shoulder.

“What would I tell Nate, Lily? Here’s the father I told you had to go away. He’s back now, but don’t get used to it because he might play now-you-see-him-now-you-don’t.”

“He wouldn’t turn his back on his son. He couldn’t.”

“I won’t risk it.” She took a deep breath and stepped back, steadier. “If and when I decide to tell Luke about Nathaniel, it’ll be at a time and place of my choosing. I call the shots on this.” She gripped Lily’s shoulders and held firm. “I want your promise that you’ll say nothing.”

“I won’t tell him, if you promise to do the right thing.”

“I’m trying to. Let’s get going, okay? It’s been a long day.”

Hours later, Roxanne stood in the doorway of the room where her son slept. Shadows were just beginning to fade, going pale and pearly in the early dawn. She listened to Nathaniel breathing. Her child, her miracle, her most potent magic. And she thought about the man who slept in a room below, the man who had helped her create a life.

And she remembered how frightened she’d been when she’d sat down to tell her father that she was pregnant. How tightly Max had held her. Unflagging support from him, from Mouse and LeClerc. The booties Lily knitted that had looked like mutant mittens, the wallpaper Mouse had surprised her with for the nursery, the milk LeClerc had forced her to drink.

The day she had felt the baby quicken for the first time. She’d nearly given in and wept then, but she’d held the tears off. Maternity clothes, swollen ankles. That first solid kick that had awakened her out of a sound sleep. Lamaze classes with Lily as her coach. And always that tiny seed of hope that remained planted deep that Luke would come back before their child was born.

But he hadn’t. She’d gone through eighteen sweaty hours of labor, at turns terrified and exhilarated.

She’d watched their son fight his way from her womb, she’d listened to his first indignant cry.

And every day she’d looked at him and loved him and had seen Luke mirrored in his face.

She’d watched her son grow, and had seen her father swallowed up by the illness no one could fight.

She’d been alone. No matter how much love she’d felt in her home, there had been no one to turn to in the night. No arms to come around her and offer her comfort when she wept because her father no longer recognized her.

There was no one to stand with her now, and keep watch over her son as the dawn came up.

26

Lily fluffed her hair, checked her makeup in the mirror of her rhinestone-studded compact, fixed a bright, friendly smile on her face. She rolled back her shoulders, making sure her tummy—which she hated to admit was becoming the teeniest bit of a problem—was sucked in. Only then was she satisfied enough with her appearance to knock on the door of Luke’s suite.

It wasn’t a matter of being disloyal to Roxanne, she told herself, fidgeting. All she was doing was saying hello—and maybe she’d give the boy a piece of her mind while she was at it. But it wasn’t being disloyal, even if her heart was nearly bursting with the sheer joy of seeing him again.

Besides, she’d waited until Roxanne had gone down to her press conference.

By the time she heard the bolt turn, she’d chewed off most of her lipstick. She held her breath, bumped her smile up a few degrees, then stared blankly at the short, dark-haired man who stood on the other side of the threshold. He stared back at her through silver-framed lenses as thick as her thumb. However much Luke might have changed, Lily thought, he couldn’t have lost six inches in height.

“I’m sorry. I must have the wrong room.”

“Lily Bates!” The voice screamed the Bronx and was as friendly as a pastrami on rye. Lily found her hand clasped and pumped enthusiastically. “I’d recognize you anywhere.
Any
-where! You’re even prettier than you are onstage.”

“Thank you.” Habit had her fluttering her mink eyelashes even as she levered her weight back to prevent him from pulling her into the room. Any woman with a killer body had best have killer instincts as well.

“I’m afraid I got the door numbers mixed up.”

He kept her hand captured in his and used his other to push up the glasses that were sliding down his prominent hooked nose. “I’m Jake. Jake Finestein.”

“Nice to meet you.” They continued the little tug-of-war. Lily glanced uneasily over her shoulder, wondering if anyone would come to her aid if she shouted for help. “I’m sorry I bothered you, Mr.

Finestein.”

“Jake. Jake.” He grinned and flashed an amazing set of large white teeth, so straight they might have been surveyed by the Corps of Engineers. “No need for formalities between us, Lily. Wonderful show last night.” His black bean eyes, magnified by the thick lenses, beamed up at her. “
Won
-der-ful.”

“Thank you.” She was bigger than he was, she told herself. And certainly outweighed him. His short-sleeved shirt showed puny, toothpick arms and bony wrists. Worst came to worst, she could take him. “I really can’t chat now. I’m running late.”

“Oh, but you’ve got time for a cup of coffee.” He swung his free hand back to indicate the table laden with pots and cups and covered plates. “And breakfast. I bet you haven’t eaten a thing yet this morning. I ordered up some nice bagels. You eat a little bit, have a nice cup of coffee, you relax. Me, I got to eat a little something in the mornings or my system suffers all day. How about some orange juice?” He tugged her in another inch. “They squeeze it fresh.”

“Really, I can’t. I was just—”

“Jake, will you quit talking to yourself. It makes me crazy.” Hair still dripping from the shower, Luke strode out from the bedroom buttoning his shirt. He stopped dead, the annoyance on his face shuddering into blank shock.

“Who needs to talk to himself when he’s got a beautiful woman?” Jake’s grin twisted into a wince as Lily’s fingers tightened on his. “And I mean
bee
-u-ti-ful. We’ve been having a nice chat. I was just telling Lily she should sit down, have some coffee, maybe a bagel.”

“I—I could use some coffee,” Lily managed.

“Good, good. I’m going to pour you some. You want cream? Sugar? Sweet’n Low?”

“Yes, fine.” She didn’t care if Jake poured heavy-weight motor oil out of the pot, she had eyes only for Luke. “You look wonderful.” She heard the tears in her voice and cleared her throat to disguise them.

“I’m sorry. I’m interrupting your breakfast.”

“It’s all right. It’s good to see you.” It was so awful, so hideously polite. He just wanted to stand and stare and absorb everything about her. The pretty, ridiculously youthful face, the silly enameled parrots that swung at her ears, the scent of Chanel that was already filling the room.

“So, sit, sit.” Jake made grand gestures toward the table. “You’ll talk, you’ll eat.”

Luke cut his eyes toward the table. “Take off, Jake.”

“I’m going, I’m going.” Jake fussed with cups and saucers. “You think I’m hanging around to spoil the big reunion? Mrs. Finestein didn’t raise any fools. I’m going to get my camera and go take pictures like I was a tourist. Madam Lily.” He grasped her hand again, squeezed. “A pleasure, a sincere pleasure.”

“Thank you.”

Jake sent Luke a last telling look, then walked to the second bedroom and shut the door discreetly behind him. If he pressed his ear to the crack for a few minutes, what harm did it do?

“He’s—ah—a very nice man.”

“He’s a pain in the ass.” Luke worked up what nearly passed as a grin. “But I’m used to him.” Nervous as a boy on his first date, he shoved his hands in his pockets. “So sit. We’ll talk, we’ll eat.”

Luke’s killingly accurate mimicking of Jake had Lily’s lips trembling up. “I don’t want to take up your time.”

He would have preferred being stabbed in the heart. “Lily, please.”

“Maybe just some coffee.” She made herself sit, keeping the smile planted. But the cup rattled in the saucer when she lifted it. “I don’t know what to say to you. I guess I want to know if you’re okay.”

“I’m all in one piece.” He sat as well, but for once his appetite had deserted him. He made do with black coffee. “How about you? Roxanne—well, she wasn’t much in the mood to fill me in on everyone last night.”

“I’m older,” Lily said in a weak attempt at gaiety.

“You don’t look it.” He searched her face, fighting against emotions that threatened to swamp him. “Not a day.”

“You always knew just what to say to a woman. Must be the Irish.” She took an unsteady breath and began to pick apart a bagel. “LeClerc’s fine. Crankier than he used to be. He doesn’t come on the road often now. Mouse is married. Did you know?”

“Mouse? Married?” Luke gave a quick spontaneous laugh that had tears swimming in Lily’s eyes. “No shit? How did that happen?”

“Alice came to—to work for us,” Lily said carefully. It wouldn’t do to say that Roxanne had hired her as Nathaniel’s nanny. “She’s bright and sweet, and she fell head over heels for Mouse. It took her two years to wear him down. I don’t know how many hours she spent helping him tinker with engines.”

“I’m going to have to meet her.” Silence fell, taunting him. “Can you tell me about Max?”

“He won’t get better.” Lily lifted her coffee again. “He’s gone someplace none of us can reach him. We didn’t—we couldn’t put him in a hospital so we’ve arranged for home care. He can’t do anything for himself. That’s the worst, to see him so helpless. It’s hard on Roxanne.”

“What about you?”

Lily pressed her lips together. When she spoke, her voice was strong and steady. “Max is gone. I can look into his eyes, and there’s no Max there. Oh, I still sit with his body, and feed it or clean it, but everything he was has already died. His body’s just waiting to catch up. So it’s easier for me. I’ve done my grieving.”

“I need to see him, Lily.” He wanted to reach out. His fingers were inches from touching hers before he curled them away. “I know Roxanne might object, but I need to see him.”

“He asked for you, dozens of times.” There was accusation mixed with the hurt. She couldn’t prevent either. “He’d forget that you weren’t there, and he’d ask for you.”

“I’m sorry.” It seemed a pitiful response.

“How could you do it, Luke? How could you leave without a word and break so many hearts?” When he only shook his head, she looked away. “Now I’m sorry,” she said stiffly. “I don’t have any right to question you. You were always free to come and go as you pleased.”

“Direct hit,” he murmured. “Much more accurate than anything Rox threw at me last night.”

“You devastated her.” Lily hadn’t known the hot anger was trapped inside until it burst free. “She loved you, since she was a little girl. She trusted you. We all did. We thought something terrible had happened to you. Until Roxanne came back from Mexico we were sure of it.”

“Wait.” He gripped her hand, holding tight. “She went to Mexico?”

“She tracked you there. Mouse went with her. You have no idea what shape she was in.” Frightened, pregnant, heartsick. Lily shook her hand free and rose. Her temper, always so even, was all the more effective when it spiked. “She looked for you, afraid you were dead or sick or God knows. Then she found your plane and the man you’d sold it to. And she knew you didn’t want her to find you. Damn you, I didn’t think she’d ever get over it.” She shoved the chair against the table hard enough to make china rattle. “Tell me you had amnesia. Tell me you got hit on the head and forgot us, forgot everything. Can you tell me that?”

“No.”

She was crying now, big silent tears coursing down her face while he looked on miserably.

“I can’t tell you that, and I can’t ask you to forgive me. I can only tell you that I did what I thought was best for everyone. I didn’t see a choice,”

“You didn’t see a choice? You couldn’t see your way clear to letting us know you were alive?”

“No.” He picked up a napkin and stood to dab at her tears. “I thought about you every day. In the first year I’d wake up at night thinking I was home, then it would hit me. I’d reach for a bottle instead of Roxanne. I might as well have been dead. I wish I could have forgotten, that I could have stopped needing my family.” He balled the napkin in his fist as his voice thickened. “I was twelve before I found my mother. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without her. Tell me what I need to do to convince you to give me another chance.”

For Lily love was a fluid thing. No matter how strong the dam, it would always flow free. She did the only thing she could do. She opened her arms and took him into them, rocking and stroking when he buried his face in her hair.

“You’re home now,” she murmured. “That’s what matters.”

And it was all there, just where he had left it. The softness, the sweetness, the strength. Emotions rose up in him like a river at flood point. He could only cling. “I missed you. God, I missed you.”

“I know.” She lowered into a chair and let him lay his head in her lap. “I didn’t mean to yell at you, sweetie.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” He straightened so that he could touch a hand to her cheek, feel that creamy skin. “I never deserved you.”

“That’s silly. Most people would say we deserved each other.” She gave a watery chuckle and hugged him hard. “You’ll tell me about it sometime soon, won’t you?”

“Whenever you want.”

“Later. I just want to spend some time looking at you.” Sniffling, she held him at arm’s length, studying his face with a mother’s eagle eye. “Well, you don’t look any the worse for wear.” She smoothed the faint lines at the corner of his eyes with her fingertips. “You look a little thinner maybe, a little tougher.”

With a sigh, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, then fussed the imprint of her lipstick away with her thumb.

“You were the most beautiful little boy I’d ever seen.” When he winced, she laughed. “Do you still have magic?”

“It kept me alive.” He took both of her hands and pressed them to his lips. Shame and simple gratitude ran riot through him. He’d tried to prepare for her anger, for the chill of her resentment, even her disinterest. But he had no defense against the constancy of her love. “You were beautiful last night.