Home to Whiskey Creek (23 page)

“Why are you so afraid of people finding out that we’re seeing each other?” he asked.

“You mean that we’re sleeping together?”

He stopped walking. “Aren’t we doing both?”

She didn’t comment one way or the other. She just tugged on his arm to get him moving again. “I told you. It’s none of their business.”

Was it really that—or something else? Something that had to do with that note he’d found on her 4-Runner? “They’ll adjust once they get used to the idea.”

“I...prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Was your ex a jealous person?”

“I don’t really know,” she said, as if the answer surprised her as much as him.

He looked over at her. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I think he was more intent on getting
me
to feel some jealousy.”

“Why would he want that?”

“To prove I cared about him, I guess.”

“That’s why he cheated on you?”

“In his mind, it started there. At least, that was how he tried to explain it. He said if I could just love him more, he’d be satisfied. But...who knows? I don’t think I ever really knew him.”

“Then why did you marry him?”

“I
thought
I loved him, and he was so convinced we’d be happy together. I hoped that would be enough to build on. But...I doubt he really knew me, either.”

Noah was just admitting to himself that she
was
hard to know when she changed the subject.

“Have you ever been in love?”

He’d asked himself that many times before and, sadly, always came to the same conclusion. “There’ve been certain women I’ve liked more than others, but...head over heels? No.”

She offered him an encouraging smile. “You’ll find the right person eventually.”

How did she know
she
wasn’t the right person? Didn’t she want to be?

Sometimes she acted like it. Back at the store, she’d acted as if he was the only man on earth. But she’d already retreated. “Why do you keep pushing me away?” he asked.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” she replied.

Noah had expected her to point to his less-than-stellar track record with women, to the gossip floating around town about his “commitment issues,” to say she didn’t trust him after the way he’d ignored her in high school. He hadn’t expected
this.
He’d heard similar things before. But Addy wasn’t playing hard to get, wasn’t using that statement to gain the upper hand. She was sincere in her concern, which gave him the odd feeling he’d had from the beginning—that he might’ve met the one woman who could break his heart.

“You don’t think you could ever love me?” he asked.

She seemed to struggle for the right answer, but before she could speak, a car swerved and nearly struck them both. Noah shoved Adelaide behind him, assuming it was some kind of attack like when she’d been abducted. But then he recognized the car. It was Eve’s.

“Noah!” The way Eve staggered when she got out made him wonder if she was drunk, but the alarm in her voice told him it was emotion and not alcohol that had her acting so unsteady.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I—I’ve been looking all over for you. Baxter, he—” She broke down, couldn’t even speak she was sobbing so hard.

The cold hand of terror ran down Noah’s spine. “What is it?” he asked again.

“He’s in the hospital.”

Noah stepped forward impatiently. “What’s wrong?
What happened to him?
”

She glanced at Addy, but Noah got the impression she didn’t really see her. “He overdosed.”

The strength left his legs. He was glad Eve rushed into his arms, because that gave him something to hang on to.

“On what?” he choked out. “Baxter doesn’t do drugs....”

“Sleeping pills. I don’t have all the details, but the doctors think he took over two thousand milligrams of Ambien, and he’d been drinking, which of course makes it even worse. The doctors are doing what they can. Meanwhile, we’ve been trying to find you.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“We tried! Again and again!”

He patted his pockets before remembering that he’d left his cell phone in his truck when he went in for dinner. At that point, nothing had mattered more than spending an enjoyable evening with Adelaide.

“He’s not going to die....” He didn’t want to ask for fear of the answer. His voice didn’t even sound like his own. Suddenly, that kiss at the cabin, Baxter’s sexual orientation, the changes his being gay would require of their relationship—it all seemed so small, so manageable, in comparison to a final goodbye. Surely Baxter wouldn’t have taken his own life over what happened last weekend. And surely Noah’s reaction hadn’t added to his despair....

To his relief, Eve shook her head, but he could feel the wetness of her tears through his shirt. “I don’t think so. We...we’re lucky his neighbor went over to his house. He needed a—a bottle opener. Can you believe it?” She laughed but then her chest jerked against his as she tried to stifle a sob. “If his neighbor hadn’t needed that damn bottle opener...it would’ve been too late. As it was, he barely had a heartbeat when the paramedics got to him. They’re doing what they can to revive him, but it’s not yet clear whether or not he’ll pull through.”

Noah’s throat tightened. “Where’d they take him?”

“Mark Twain St. Joseph’s Hospital in San Andreas.”

“Let’s go.” Determined to get to the hospital as fast as possible, he hooked his arm around Addy’s neck and started for the car. “We’ll drop Adelaide off on our way.”

Addy pulled out of his grasp. “No, I’m fine. I’ll walk. You two get on the road.”

“It’ll only take a second,” he insisted. “I don’t want you walking home in the dark.”

She seemed to realize it would take longer to argue. “Fine. But what about your truck?” she asked as they climbed into Eve’s Acura. “If you give me the keys, I’ll drive it over to your place so it’ll be there when you get home.”

“There’s no need. I’ll pick it up when I come back.” He thought briefly of the note he’d found on her windshield. Leaving his truck at her place would definitely be making a statement.

But he wasn’t about to let anyone tell him he couldn’t see her.

24

N
oah sat in the waiting room with Eve, Ted, Kyle and Riley. Cheyenne hadn’t answered her phone when they tried to reach her. No one had called Sophia. They’d been deliberating whether they should, but Noah was against it, and so was Ted. Ted didn’t even like her appearing at coffee, so that came as no surprise. Noah was too protective. He didn’t want news of this to spread any farther than it had to. That meant Callie was the only person who should know what was going on but didn’t. Other than Noah, she was Baxter’s closest friend. But she had a week left in Hawaii, and there was no point in ruining her honeymoon, not until they learned more. So far, they knew next to nothing. The hospital staff wouldn’t allow Noah to see Baxter. They wouldn’t even let Baxter’s parents in the room. All his closest loved ones were stuck together, worrying and waiting.

As Noah watched Mr. North comfort Mrs. North off in one corner, he wondered how well they really knew their son. Did either of them have any clue about what might’ve caused him to attempt
suicide?

Noah wanted to tell them, to get the truth out in the open so they could all reassure Baxter. But he wasn’t convinced Baxter’s parents would be able to accept him for what he was. Samuel North loved his son—Noah had no doubt about that—but he had a specific vision as to the kind of person Baxter should be, and being homosexual didn’t fit that vision. He’d be ashamed and embarrassed, not the emotions a child hoped to evoke in a parent. Noah had been hunting and fishing with Baxter and his father, had heard some of the denigrating statements Mr. North had uttered. Noah hadn’t thought too much about his remarks at the time, since they didn’t affect him personally. But in light of the past week, those memories cut like glass. He was hearing them from Baxter’s point of view now. They’d once been on a campout when they’d run into a couple of guys Baxter’s father had deemed to be “fags.” Mr. North had said that “such scum” deserved to have their penises cut off and shoved down their throats.

Guilt for worrying about how Baxter’s sexual orientation would affect
him
weighed so heavily that Noah felt he might sink into the floor. How could he have put even more pressure on Baxter to be something or someone he wasn’t? Now it was easy to see how hard Baxter had tried to meet everyone’s expectations.

The silence of that room was broken only by their occasional whispering—
How much longer...? If they can’t save him I don’t know what I’ll do.... Surely, in this day and age they’ll be able to revive him....

“Shit,” Noah muttered.

Riley glanced over at him. “You okay?”

“No.” Unable to sit any longer, he got up and headed down the hall to the drinking fountain. Although some of the people in the waiting room, like Ted and probably Eve, knew Baxter was gay, no one, other than Callie and him had had it confirmed. Noah wished Callie was here, so he wouldn’t be the only one who understood just how conflicted Baxter was. The odd thing was that Bax had never acted depressed, never talked about ending his life, never complained at all. This had come out of nowhere, which upset Noah as much as everything else. He wished he’d had some warning, so he would’ve known he needed to do something to stave it off.

If they saved Bax, what would he do next? Would he continue to hide behind the image he’d created so none of the people he loved would think any less of him? That kept the situation status quo—tempting in such a small town. But was it possible to go on like that? How long would Baxter, or anyone else, be able to last if he was unfulfilled in the most important areas of his life?

Noah thought of Adelaide and how much he’d enjoyed being with her since she’d returned to town. She’d been on his mind constantly this past week. And he’d derived so much satisfaction from making love to her. Would it be fair to expect Baxter to live without those same feelings of romantic excitement and contentment?

Noah had no answers. Part of him wanted to tell Baxter to come out, but the reality of what that might do, how it might make matters worse, stopped him. He couldn’t set Bax up for a life without the love and support of his family. That was too big a sacrifice to encourage someone to make.

“Noah.” Samuel North’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

Nerves tingling, Noah turned away from the fountain and faced Baxter’s father. “Yes, sir?”

“I just...I wanted to see if...if you’d noticed anything unusual about Baxter lately.” He rubbed his hands together, as if he wished he was putting them to some useful task but couldn’t think of one. “I can’t wrap my mind around this, can’t believe it’s true. He came over for dinner earlier. Other than a brief argument over whether he should sell his house and move to San Francisco, which we told him we’d hate to see, everything went like it always does. He never said a word about being upset. His sister called from Portland. They talked on the phone for a few minutes. There’s...no answer for this. I mean...he’s a handsome, successful,
good
man. What would lead him to—to try and take his own life?”

Acid churned in Noah’s stomach. What could he say?

“Was it a breakup with a woman we didn’t know about?” his father pressed, casting about for answers. “Was it a setback at work?” He lowered his voice. “He hasn’t lost his job, has he?”

“He would’ve told you if he’d lost his job,” Noah said.

“Maybe not. That job means a lot to him.”

Noah suspected it meant even more to
them,
because it confirmed Baxter’s success and reflected well on how they’d raised him—to excel, to achieve, to be somebody. “I wish I could say something that would...bring you comfort,” he hedged. “I’m not sure exactly what was going on in his mind. But I know your son is everything you say he is—a wonderful human being.”

It hadn’t surprised anyone in the group that Callie had confided in Baxter when she contracted nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. He’d be the most likely to handle such catastrophic news with the right amount of empathy and support.

“He’ll be okay,” his father said. “Don’t you think?”

The uncertainty in Samuel’s eyes terrified Noah. He wasn’t convinced Baxter would recover because the problem that had caused this still loomed large. Did Bax even
want
to wake up?

“Of course he will,” he said.

Noah’s phone rang.

Hearing that, Samuel sighed. “I’ll see you back in the waiting room.”

Noah answered with a nod.

“Is everything okay?”

It was Addy. Just the sound of her voice was like a buoy. “We’re still waiting to find out.”

“You haven’t heard anything?”

“Not yet.”

“I’m sorry, Noah. I can’t believe this happened.”

“I can’t, either.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it easier?”

He managed a smile, even though no one was around to see it. “This call helps.”

“I didn’t want to interrupt, but...I’ve been worried.”

He rubbed his temples with his free hand. He felt as if he was about to burst, that he
would
burst if he didn’t tell someone what was going through his mind. “Addy?”

“Yes?”

He stepped outside, into the cold, where there was no danger of being overheard. “Baxter tried to kiss me last week—and I mean...like a lover.”

There was a long silence.

“No comment?” he said.

“I’m searching for the right one.”

“You don’t seem particularly surprised.”

“I’m not. I saw how he reacted to your distress during half time at the football game.”

He didn’t want to remember that humiliating moment, but this piqued his interest. “What do you mean?”

“He was so upset for you, so worried. He knew you’d hate being up there in front of everyone, and...I’m not sure how to say this without upsetting you even more, but...it reminded me of how someone’s girlfriend might behave, not their best buddy.”

Apparently, she’d picked up on what so many people had missed, or discounted in an effort to give Baxter the benefit of the doubt. “I love him—just not in that way. It could never be that way.”

“I know.”

“So what do I do? I feel like maybe I’m to blame for this.”

“How did you react when he tried to kiss you?”

“I was shocked but...I didn’t hit him.” He told her about their conversation the next morning, and how Baxter had said he needed space.

“You’re not to blame, Noah. He knows you. He knew you wouldn’t respond to his kiss. If I had to guess, I’d say that was more of an act of desperation, of wanting to
finally
be who he is instead of the person he’s created for public consumption. This has more to do with his family, and his life here in Whiskey Creek, beyond you. It’s
all
of it.”

“So how do I help him?” Noah asked.

“You continue to be his friend no matter what.”

Noah glanced back at the hospital. He hoped he’d have the chance.

* * *

Adelaide thought Noah might call once he learned how Baxter was faring, so when her phone rang an hour after they’d talked, she snapped it up without even looking at caller ID.

“Hello?”

“God, that sounded breathy.”

Clyde. Addy hadn’t heard from her ex in weeks. She couldn’t imagine why he’d be calling her now. “My mother’s asleep down the hall. I’m trying not to wake her.”

“Your mother’s around? What, is she in the middle of another divorce?”

“That hasn’t been completely determined.” Adelaide hoped not. She didn’t relish the idea of having her mother live with her and Gran. It wasn’t like she’d be able to leave Whiskey Creek, even if that happened. Helen couldn’t be relied on to stay, or to do anything useful while she was here. She’d be more of a burden on Gran than anything else....

“So what’s going on?” she asked. “Is everything okay?”

“With me? I didn’t think you cared anymore.”

She flinched. “Clyde, let’s not start in on the past.”

“Fine. We’ll talk about the restaurant, then. It hasn’t been easy finding a chef who can do what you did, but...we’re getting by.”

Why was he calling? “I’m glad to hear it, but it’s late and—”

“I realized it might not be the best time to call. I almost didn’t, but...then I thought, ‘What the hell, maybe she’ll want to know.’”

“What?”

“That boy you used to have a crush on? Noah something?”

She didn’t bother reminding him of Noah’s last name. In fact, she regretted ever mentioning him. “Yes?”

“He called the restaurant, looking for me.”

Her heart began to pound. “He did?”

“According to a note I received from Becka.”

She remembered Becka, a hostess at the restaurant. Addy missed her and yet not enough to want to go back. She was happier here in Whiskey Creek. Despite the memories, despite the secrets, despite everything,
this
was home.

Noah played a big role in that, but she didn’t want to acknowledge his importance.
What we have won’t last.

“What did he want?” she asked, but she could guess. Eve had told her at Black Gold Coffee that Noah was interested in finding out where she’d worked before and who she’d been with. He thought that might solve the mystery of who dropped her into the mine. He’d even asked
her
for her ex’s name.

“That’s what I’d like to know. Wasn’t it his twin brother who raped you?”

She wished she could say no, but that was more of a rhetorical question. “I’d rather you didn’t talk about what happened back then, Clyde. With anyone.”

“Is that why he’s calling me? Does he suspect? Is he digging for answers?”

Fortunately, he didn’t even know to ask those questions.... “I can’t say for sure, but...it’s important that he never find out. I can...I can trust you, can’t I?”

“Why don’t you finally bring those bastards to justice?” he demanded.

“It’s complicated, as you well know.”

“That kid died while you were defending yourself, Addy. It’s not as if anyone could blame you.”

Except for Noah and his parents and everyone else who might view the situation differently. They hadn’t been there. They didn’t understand how hurt and terrified she’d been. And, after seeing that presentation at the football game, she was positive they could never imagine Cody doing what he did, even less now than before. “I’ve got it under control.”

“We both know that isn’t true. Maybe if you’d come forward years ago, our marriage would’ve had a chance.”

Closing her eyes, she searched for a way to diffuse his pain. Now that Noah had Clyde’s name and number, she definitely needed to keep this as amiable as possible. “That isn’t what destroyed it.”

“You’re blaming
me?
Saying it was my affairs?”

He’d been drinking. She could hear it in his voice, and that worried her. What if Noah reached him when he was drunk? “I’m not pointing any fingers. I’m not even searching for those kinds of answers.”

“Well, I am, damn it! I never had a chance with you. You didn’t even give a shit when I cheated on you.”

She wished she could say that wasn’t true, but she hadn’t cared as much as she should have.

“I wouldn’t have looked at other women if you’d been capable of loving me like a wife should,” he went on.

“It wasn’t the rape that stopped me,” she said.

“What then?”

She’d already been in love...with Noah. He was the only person she’d ever felt strongly about, and she couldn’t seem to change that. But she knew better than to reiterate the fact that Noah had overshadowed their relationship. Clyde would reveal her secret for sure. “You and I...we weren’t meant to be.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. Listen to yourself. We’ve been divorced for over a year.”

“It wasn’t much of a marriage to begin with.”

“Then you didn’t lose anything.”

He didn’t respond for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know what I’m talking about. You just...drive me crazy. You always have.”

“I’m sorry.”

He ignored her apology. It wasn’t the first one she’d offered. “So what should I tell Noah if he calls back?”

“Tell him you never did anything to harm me. Tell him you don’t know anyone who would.”