Home is Where You Are (21 page)

I can’t believe Marv sold me out. What the hell was he thinking? Just seeing her face as she saw what’s left of mine ripped my heart and made me want to take her in my arms and tell her it would all be okay. But that would’ve been a lie. As much as I wanted to say screw it and pull her against me, I had to keep my distance.

After that first day at the soup kitchen, I should
n’t have gone back. I was selfish, and now I did the one thing I never wanted to do. I hurt her.

“
That wasn’t very nice, you know.” Izzy blocks my way to the bedroom with her hand defiantly on her hips. Like I need her to tell me I acted like a total dick. And if I had any doubt all I had to do was remember the look on Anna’s face as I shut the door on her.

“
Whatever,” I mumble.

Izzy
does some bobble-head move and narrows her dark eyes at me. “Was that your girlfriend? She’s really pretty, classy looking.”

“
And too good for me.” I try to walk around her, but she won’t move.

“If
that’s what you believe, you’re an idiot.”

“What
’s that supposed to mean?” I run my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down before I start screaming.

“Love isn’t materialistic, Dean
. It’s more than that. ”

“
It’s not love,” I spit, ignoring the ache deep in my gut.

“Now you’re really fooling yourself.”

“Aren’t you like fourteen? What do you know about it?”

“Enough to know it when I see it
. And that girl you just slammed the door on loves you. It’s time you realized that.”

She can see it
, my ass. Being much more mature than Izzy, I roll my eyes and go back to the guestroom. Because I am a guest and really have no right being here, I refrain from slamming the door.
Could Anna really love me? No, if it was obvious, I would have seen it. I would know. Though, when I look in her eyes, I see happiness. When my lips are on hers I feel her wants and needs. And when I hold her, despite my shitty life, everything feels right.

Shit. Even if she doesn’t love me I
…I love her, which is why I can’t be selfish like I was with my foster siblings. Anna deserves so much better than what I can give her. She’s made for great things.

  I spend the rest of the day staring at the ceiling. The less I move the better. Right now I don’t know who I’m angrier at.
Marv or myself. I feel like he sold me out when Anna showed up, but what else was he supposed to do? I put him in a compromising position. Plus Anna can be very persuasive when she has to be.

A slight knock on the door
pulls my mind from Anna’s pouty lip. I turn my head until my good eye can make out Marv. Is it late afternoon already?

“I hear you had a visitor today,” Marv says as he sits down
. You think he would at least play it coy.

“Yeah,” I manage to get out without a snarl.

He scratches his dark hair and rests against the dresser. “How’d it go?”

“Let’s just say getting jumped was a walk in the park.”

“That bad, huh?” I lift myself until I’m leaning against the headboard. He briefly meets my eyes then shakes his head and smirks. “Sorry ‘bout that. I wasn’t planning on telling her, but—”

“I know.”

“That girl of yours is feisty.”

“
She’s not my girl.” Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll become numb to it, and the words won’t hurt anymore.

“What you talkin
g ‘bout?”

“I can’t give her what she deserves.
It’s better to end it now.”

“I always thought you were thick
-headed, boy, but I never thought you were stupid.”

“
Spare me the lecture please. I’ve already got one from your daughter.”

“You did?” I nod
and Marv leans back with a grin on his face. “Well, that’s because she’s smart. Takes after her daddy.” Marv sits up straight. “I honestly thought you’d be gone by the time I got home.”

“Trust me
, I planned on it, but your daughter in not so many words threatened to kick me in my manhood.” His eyes widen and then he muffles a laugh with his hand.

“
Not that I condone that behavior, but I’m happy it worked. Truth is, you’re welcome here as long as you want.”

“It’s not going to be much longer. I just wanted to talk to you before I took off.”

“At least stay until you heal. I don’t need to be worrying about you out there.”

“You have nothing to worry about.”

“That, my friend, is where you are wrong. You think I don’t lie awake at night, wondering if you got into the Y?” Marv stands, forcing the chair back with his legs. “You don’t think I care if you’re freezing your ass off out there? If you have enough to eat. Terrified that you might not make it through the night.” Tears build in Marv’s eyes. “Because I do. Every damn night.”

I’
m frozen in place. He shakes his head and walks over to the window, resting his hand on the frame. A deafening silence spreads across the room. I close my eyes, fighting my own emotions.

“I don’t want to inconvenience you or your family
,” I finally say.

“You’re not
,” he says, tears strangling his words. He clears his throat and swipes at his lids before turning back to me. “And if it makes you feel better, I can deduct rent out of your paycheck.”

“It would.”

The tension in his shoulders eases. “Good.” He swats my foot. “So heal up fast so you can get yourself back to work because right now, the way you’re looking, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near my customers,” he says with a laugh.

“
That bad, huh?”

“
You haven’t looked?”

“I’ve been avoiding mirrors.”   

“Good plan, but just know you can’t avoid things forever.” Why do I feel like he’s not talking about my face? “Dinner will be in an hour. Hope you like steak.” Marv gets up slowly, age is starting to wear heavy on him. 

“Hey
, Marv.” He turns, leaning against the doorframe. “Thanks.” It doesn’t seem like enough, but for now that’s all I can give him. He nods and leaves me to stare at the ceiling.

“I need a girl’s night,” I say to Katie
, trying my hardest not to let on I’ve been crying for the past two hours.

“What’s wrong?” I hear the concern in her voice, but I disregard it. I feel guilty
asking her to come over when she has plans to go out, but I need my friend. I’ve been there for her after she had her heart broken more times than I can count.

“I’ll explain everything when you get here.”

“Okay. Give me twenty minutes.”

“Thanks. Oh
, and bring ice cream.”

Katie
’s always late. So I’m surprised when twenty minutes later she’s standing on my doorstep with ice cream in hand.

I’ve been avoiding the mirror so I don’t know how swollen and bloodshot my eyes are, but by Katie’s r
esponse I can only assume they’re pretty bad. Her accessorized arms fling around me, the carton of ice cream smacking my back as she pulls me closer.

“Anna
, what happened? Was it Dean? I told him I’d kill him. Do you want me to kill him?” She pulls away and rests her hands on my shoulders, her face anything but joking. Blonde ringlets fall over her shoulders and bronzer is brushed across her skin. She was getting ready to go out when I called.

“No
, I don’t want you to kill him.” As tempting as it may be, he was already left for dead once.

Katie releases her grip on my shoulders and grabs my hand
, pulling me to the kitchen. She gets two spoons, sits at the counter and opens the Moose Tracks ice cream. I take the spoon and scoop a generous amount. As soon as the chocolate hits my tongue the tension lessens.

Doctors should prescribe chocolate. It’s a miracle worker.
Katie stares at me as I slowly eat the ice cream off my spoon. I’m going to tell her everything. I am. I’m just scared once I start talking the tears will flow again. I’m so sick of crying.

“So
…” Katie prods and despite my efforts, the words and tears come tumbling out.

“
It’ll be okay,” she says after my tearful word vomit. “He was upset. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking clearly. Just give him time to cool down.”

“I guess you’re right. It’s stupid to cry over a guy anyway.”

“No, it’s not. I’d be worried if you weren’t crying.”

I look up
, confused and Katie laughs.

“I’d be worried because I know you’d be hurting on the inside and there would be nothing I could do. I’m happy you called me. I’m even happier you told me everything.”

“I never knew it could hurt this bad.”

“You love him
, and love is the worst hurt of all.” Her eyes fall to her nails. The pink has been replaced by purple. I notice all these stupid little things like her nail polish, but I don’t even know if she’s been in love before. What kind of friend am I?

On numerous occasions she’s told me she has but
, if I went by that, then I would have to account for every relationship she’s ever been in. Infatuation and love are two totally different things, and I don’t think she’s ever had anything other than infatuation.

I’ve always been envious of her, slightly jealous, yet no guy
has loved her for her. All they want is a good time before they move on to the next “it” girl. As bad as it hurts, as much as I want to crawl up in a ball and cry until my tear ducts dry, I wouldn’t trade what I shared with Dean for anything.

I throw my arm around Katie’s shoulder. We don’t need guys to love us. We love each other
, and right now that’s all that matters. She smiles up at me, and I take my spoon and smear rocky road across her nose. 

“Bitch!” she screams throug
h her laughter. “You better run.” So I do. We spend the next twenty minutes chasing each other around my kitchen armed with spoons of ice cream. It was exactly what I had in mind when I called her.

You can only laugh so much though. There comes a point when the laughter dies
, and you are left with your mind. Katie sprawls out on the couch, hugging a pillow. I’m on the floor, my head resting against the cushions, and my mind completely consumed with Dean.

His voice, his eyes, his hair, his arms, it’s all I can think about. I haven’t even thought about my school work since I left the library.

“What the hell? Anna!”

Mom?
She isn’t supposed to be home until tomorrow. I look at Katie and we jump up.

“Hi, Mrs. Haywar
d.” Katie puts extra perk in her tone.

“Uh hey
Mom. What are you doing home?”

“I live here. Now can someone please explain
why there is chocolate ice cream all over the counter and floors?”

“I was going to clean it.”

“When? After it liquefied and became a sticky mess on my wood floors?”

H
er comment makes me want to scream. She’s not even supposed to be here. I always clean the house. I clean up after myself, and after her, and she has the nerve to come home after being MIA for days and get mad at me?

“
That’s exactly what I was waiting for.” I roll my eyes and push past her. I grab a rag from the sink and get on my hands and knees.

“What’s with the attitude? I thought we were pas
t this.”

“Yeah
, I did too.”

“Look, cut me some slack
, I’m trying here. I cut my trip short so I could spend some time with you.”

I
thought I was cried out, but as soon as the words leave Mom’s mouth I the rims of my eyes swell.

“Well
, Mrs. H, you came home at a great time. We were thinking pizza, girl talk, and chick flicks.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“I’ll call for the pizza,” Katie excuses herself
, and I’m left with Mom.

I keep my attention on the globs of
ice cream, too afraid to look up. So much has happened in the past month and she has no idea. She doesn’t know I got a C. She doesn’t know about tutoring or what happened with Michelle at the soup kitchen. And she doesn’t know about Dean other than the lie I told her.

“Anna
, I’m sorry.”

I tear my eyes away from the globs of runny brown and turn to my mom who
’s sitting on the floor beside me.

“I haven’t exactly been around, but I honestly didn’t think you cared if I was or not. Even when I tried, you always insisted on doing things yourself. You are so much like him.” Tears fill her eyes and damn it now I’m crying
again too. Hot trails of tears mark my cheeks.

“I am?”

“You are.” I never took a second to put it into perspective. Dad’s death aside, Dean shutting me out of his life is the worst pain I’ve ever known. Mom didn’t even get to see my father before she was shut out of his life.

One day he was there and the next he wasn’t. They had been together since freshman year of college
. No wonder she throws herself into her work. She’s trying to avoid the pain. Fill the hole.

Katie’s right, love is the worst hurt of all. 

“If anything, I pushed you away. It’s my fault,” I say, still too afraid to look up at her.

“No
, Anna, it’s not. I’m your mother, I should’ve handled things differently. She forces a smile before continuing. “Can we just agree to try harder?”

“I can do
that.” She smiles a real smile this time, and I swear I haven’t seen that smile in years. It makes the corner of my lips pull until I’m smiling too.

“Good
. Me too.” She takes the rag from my hand and stands. “Now are you going to explain how my kitchen got redecorated with ice cream?”

I grab the spoon out of the ice cream container and smear the spoon down
Mom’s cheek.

My hand flies to my
lips as Mom’s eyes widen, but then she runs her finger down her face, scooping up the stream of chocolate running down her cheek, and places her finger in her mouth.

“
Mmm Moose Tracks?” Then she pulls me into a hug and dumps the cartoon of melted ice cream on my head.

While one door in my life slammed shut
, another opened. Hopefully it stays open because I don’t think I can take Mom being MIA anymore.

I leave Katie downstairs with
Mom while I shower, washing out all the ice cream from my hair.

I dry off and head into my room and right to my computer. I turn it on and
check my friend list. Scrolling down the names I finally come to the one I’m looking for. Seth.

Hey
I type and wait for his response.

Hey BS what’s up?

Mom came home early from one of her trips. She apologized for being MIA and even told me I remind her of dad.

No shit…

She said she wants for us to start over.

I wait. No response.

With fingers shaking I type
I’m scared
.

Don’t be.
So simple yet, exactly what I need.

Thanksgiving’s going to be here before we know it.

No response.

Seth
, don’t you think it’s time to come home?

No response.

I miss you. I could use my big brother right now.

Hey
, I got to go. Roommate needs to use the computer. I miss you too BS.

I don’t know what I was expecting him to say. He, like
Mom, took off. The only difference is he’s never come back. I’m going to waste my entire life waiting for something that’s probably never going to happen. I need to move forward.

With a vengeance I turn away from my computer and
march over to my ballerina slipper covered wall. The wall paper started to peel in the corner a few years back so I taped it into place. Defiantly, I peel the tape away, and hold in my fingers the corner of the paper. Visions of Dad run through my mind. He had such a hard time putting this paper up. I tried to help him, but I just got in the way. He never said I did but I could tell by the way he rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. He was determined though and when he finished the smile on his face was epic.

Maybe it is time for a change. Maybe it is time to leave the past in the past.

But what’s one more day?

No.

It’s time to move forward.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and
pull down the paper, paving the way for a clean slate.