Holy Smokes (7 page)

“Begone,” the woman said, and horrible pain ripped through my body as I was yanked through the fabric of existence.

A
wareness ebbed and flowed around me, the pain gradually wearing off. Slowly, voices filtered through my fogged brain.

“—think we should call it. The old lord never used to regurgitate whenever he visited,” a troubled voice said.

“You’re right there. And this one has done it before. You remember when she banished the old one?” a second voice said.

Every part of my body ached, including my teeth and hair. Even my eyebrows hurt.

“That was a horrible mess to clean up, let me tell you,” the second person continued. “I was all for destroying the room, but Traci said it wasn’t cost-efficient and would have a negative impact on the budget. ‘But we’re demons,’ I told it at the time. ‘Negative is what we do!’”

“What did it say to that?” the first voice asked.

“It just shrugged and said the lord insisted on a nonegativity policy and a very strict budget, and if I had problems with that, I’d have to take it up with her. Well, you can see what she’s like!”

I could feel the speakers eyeballing me. I made an effort to pull myself together, absently noting that something was cold beneath my cheek.

The first voice tsked. “They’re just not making demon lords the way they used to, are they?”

“I hope to god they aren’t.” I opened my eyes and lifted my head to find myself on a familiar gray marble floor. Next to my head were two pairs of shoes. I winced as I tilted my head back to see the speakers. “Hello, Saris. And you’re…”

“Caron, my lord,” the first speaker said, bowing stiffly. “Greetings, Lord Aisling. Traci did not inform us that you would be paying a visit to Abaddon.”

I heaved myself off the floor, trying not to retch again as another wave of nausea hit me. “This isn’t a planned visit. Someone zapped me here.”

“Someone…zapped you?” the demon named Saris asked.

“Yeah. Jim, I summon thee.” I staggered over to the red velvet fainting couch that I remembered sitting in the room which used to belong to Ariton. My demon doggy appeared with a look of surprise on its face.

“Man, Ash! Your uncle is going bonkers on the streets of London! Hi, Caron. Hey, Saris. Long time no see.”

Both demons bowed at the sight of Jim. “Greetings and welcome, Effrijim.”

Jim grinned. “I could get used to being your second-in-command.”

“Enjoy it while you can, it’s not going to last,” I said, checking my body for any injuries. “Did you see the tourist?”

“Only about a gazillion of them. Which one in particular did you mean?”

“The one who slam-dunked me here.”

“Oh, her. Long curly blond hair, lots of shopping bags?”

“Yeah. What the hell did she do? All I saw was a silver ward, and whammo!”

Jim pursed its lips and glanced toward the open door, where Saris and Caron stood. “Not in front of the emonsday,” it said.

“Thanks, guys,” I said with what I hoped was a confident, in-control smile. “I won’t be needing you any longer. I’m just going to be on my way as soon as I catch my breath.”

The two demons looked at each other, then nodded and left. Jim padded over and pushed the door closed. “Jeez, Aisling, you want people to think you’re a noob or something?”

“A noob?”

“Newbie. Boob. Idget.”

“I get the meaning, thanks.” Still a bit shaky, I hauled myself up and looked around the room, trying to decide which was the best place to rip open a passage to get us back to the shop. “And I’d like to point out that if I am a newbie about some things, it’s because no one tells me anything. I have to find out stuff the hard way.”

“Whatever. The first rule of successful prince-of-Abaddoning is that you never want your legions to know that you don’t know what’s going on. Word gets around fast here. First thing you know, all the other demon lords will be getting a plan together to get rid of you.”

“Like I’d complain about that?” I touched the nearest wall. It didn’t feel any different than a normal wall.

“Permanently,” it added.

“That’s fine by me. I don’t want to come back.”

“Think long and hard about the words ‘get rid of you’ because in this case, they could well be literal.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Point taken. What did I do that was so wrong?”

“The chick who banished you?” Jim said, clearly expecting me to get some other point.

I stopped hunting for the weak spot in the room and thought about the woman. I’d never seen her before, so Jim must be referring to something about her rather than the person herself.

“She’d drawn a ward,” I said slowly.

“Right.”

“A banishing ward.” A little light dawned in the dusty back corners of my brain. “Oh my god. She was a Guardian!”

“Bingo!”

I stared at Jim in horror, my skin crawling. “A Guardian banished me. Me! But
I’m
a Guardian. Can we banish each other? Oh, crap!”

Jim nodded. “You’re not just a Guardian, you’re a Guardian Plus! Now with extra ‘prince of Abaddon’ cleaning power.”

I’d like to point out
—the dark power’s voice started to say.

“I have enough on my plate right now!” I snapped at it.

The voice sulked into silence.

“Yeah, well, you may just have to deal with it,” Jim said, moseying over to where I’d been standing. “What were you looking for?”

“I can’t believe another Guardian banished me just because I happen to be a prince of Abaddon. There should be some rule about not banishing demon lords who are also Guardians.”

Jim cocked an eyebrow. “Like you think this is a normal situation?”

“Normal? I don’t even know what’s normal anymore,” I fumed, marching around the room while wringing my hands. “And now look, I’m wringing my hands. Have you ever known me to be a hand-wringer? I detest the sort of woman who wrings her hands! It signifies weakness, and lack of coherence, and a totally unprofessional attitude!”

“And if we know anything about you, it’s that you’re a professional, and you’re confident,” Jim said, nosing a spot on the floor.

“Damn straight I am!” I yelled, forcing my hands apart so they couldn’t wring themselves. “Look, they’re trying to do it again. It’s like my hands are possessed or something! Dear god, it’s the dark power. The dark power has taken over my hands and is trying to wring me into insanity!”

“Is this little drama going to take long? ’Cause if it is, I want popcorn and a Diet Coke with extra ice.”

“You’re not going to like where I put the popcorn and extra ice,” I said, ignoring my possessed hands to glare at the demon with much intent.

Jim’s eyes widened as it backed away. “You’ve got that evil, slightly insane look down pat. Have you been practicing? We’re talking seriously scary, Ash. Hannibal-Lecter-has-nothing-on-you sort of scary.”

“Enough banter from you, buster,” I said, trying to pull myself together. “Let’s go over this situation again calmly. One: the dark power has taken over my hands.”

I have not!

“Not listening! Two: there is a Guardian out there who can banish me at will. Which means that every other Guardian can probably do the same. Lovely. Just what I need—more people trying to do me in.”

I slumped down into a chair and thought seriously about crying, but dropped that thought when my hands crept to ward each other.

“What were you looking for over here?” Jim asked again.

“I wonder if you can exorcise hands…hmm? Oh, where on the wall was that place I sent you through before. Do you remember?”

Jim shook its head. “Why are you looking for that particular spot? It have fond memories for you or something?”

“Hardly. You told me that it was easier to tear the fabric of existence in a spot where it had previously been rent. And I know I sent you through it from this room, but I don’t remember where, exactly.” I glanced at the clock on the mantel, leaping to my feet when I saw the time. “Oh my god.
Oh my god!
Tell me that clock isn’t right!”

“That clock isn’t right.”

Relief made me sag a bit as I dug through my purse looking for my cell phone. “Thank god. I was worried there for a minute that I’d missed the wedding.”

“You have,” Jim said complacently, snuffling around behind the fainting couch.

“What? You just told me the clock was wrong!”

“Yuh-uh. And who ordered me to tell her that?”

“Gah!” I screamed, punching a speed-dial number into the phone. “Talk about your day from hell…Jim, look around and find the weak spot. I’m not going to let something like a deranged Guardian ruin my day.”

“Sooo many things I could say to that,” Jim said, shaking its head. “I’ll confine myself to pointing out that even if I found the spot, it wouldn’t do you any good.”

“It wouldn’t? Why not?”

Inside my head, a dark, sinuous voice whistled a peppy little tune.

I ground my teeth. “Don’t tell me—I’d have to use the dark power in order to push us through.”

“Yup.”

Smirk.

“Bloody he—Drake!”

“Aisling?” I held the phone away from my ear at the sound of Drake’s roar.

“Hi, sweetie. Um. I guess we’re even on the whole jilting-at-the-altar thing, huh?”

“Where are you? Where have you been? Why have you not answered my calls?” Drake growled. “Rene and your uncle said you just disappeared on the street. Have you been harmed?”

“I’m fine. Jim’s here with me. I’m in…er…oh, hell.”

“Abaddon,” Jim corrected.

I sighed. “I’m in Abaddon. Apparently the woman I bumped into on the street outside the bridal shop wasn’t an innocent tourist. She flashed some sort of a ward on me, and whammo! I found myself here. No, I’m not hurt, just a bit shaky, with a horrifying tendency to wring my hands, but we won’t go into that little problem now. I’m really, really sorry I missed the wedding. Were people upset? Maybe if I apologize to them, they won’t be too pissed with us.”

Drake took a long breath and said in a voice that had me flinching, “The only person you need worry about pacifying at this moment is me.”

“Well, I’ll start the pacifying as soon as I get home. As I remember, the physical extension of this house into our reality is in Islington. I’ll call a cab and be home soon.”

“You will do nothing of the kind. Do not move from that house until I arrive.”

“I am perfectly capable of ordering a cab and getting myself home—”

“Do not argue with me about this, Aisling,” he said somewhat snappishly. I wanted to point out that my experience today was no more my fault than him being arrested the day before, but upon consideration of the last few hours he’d probably gone through, I decided the best tactic was to appease.

“All right. We’ll wait here. But I’m through with trying to have a wedding. We’re going to find the nearest registry office and get it done that way.”

“We will talk about that later. Do not leave the house!”

He hung up after delivering a few more orders, which I naturally dismissed as not being pertinent to the situation.

“I hate it when Drake goes all bossy,” I muttered, glaring at the room in general.

“Like you’re not the queen of ordering people and incredibly handsome Newfies around? Ew. Morning sickness?” Jim asked as it moved around a damp spot on the floor.

“You know full well I haven’t had any morning sickness. It’s one reason why I think Drake is a bit premature with all the baby talk.”

“Your denial of the obvious, while generally amusing, isn’t the issue here, chicky.”

“Oh, stop with the baby innuendoes already! Is there anything I can do to keep from being banished to Abaddon by any passing Guardian?”

“Is there anything that you as a Guardian can do to keep a demon lord from being banished?” Jim asked.

I pointed a finger at it. “I also hate it when you do that.”

“Why?” it asked, tipping its head to the side.

“Argh!”

“Heh heh heh. Hey! What are you doing with those scissors? All right, all right! I’d answer your question if I could, but I’m not a Guardian. You are, so you should know!”

I set down the scissors, frowning in thought. “It’s even more annoying when you’re right.”

“Just tryin’ to help, babe.”

“Uh-huh. As I’m sure you well know, there isn’t anything I can think of that would keep a being of Abaddon from being banished. I suppose I could ask Nora, but I doubt if she’d answer any technical questions since it would probably violate all sorts of Guardian Guild codes. No, there’s only one thing for it.”

Jim looked worried.

I nodded at it. “Yup. I’m going to have to go back to the Guardians’ Guild and ask
them
for some help.”