Hollywood Lust (2 page)

I ran a hand over the sealed envelope containing my mother’s letter, thinking about the years that had passed since it must have been written. My mom had eventually been murdered by Ryan Cooper, before he also murdered my then boyfriend, Jack Bautista, while he was stalking me. Cooper’s killing streak had finally been ended when Lindsay had shot and killed him, saving my life, but at the same time killing her own father. My half-sister had been molested by her father for years, leaving her self-esteem shattered. I was again contemplating how I could try and help her when Russell interrupted my thoughts.

“Aren’t you going to open it?”

I placed the envelope on the table in front of me. “Not now. I think I need some time…” I took a breath. “I want to be sure I’m in the right place emotionally when I read it.”

He nodded but otherwise didn’t respond. I had the sense he was disappointed about not knowing what my mother had written.

I went on, “Did my mother…did she ever say anything to you about my biological father?”

He shook his head. His face was now solemn. “Just that…she said she was afraid for you…that I needed to keep your existence a secret.” He picked at a paint stain on the sleeve of his shirt. “I kept my word all these years.”

“Did she…” I drew in a breath. “Did she ever talk about me?”

“Every time I saw her. She knew everything about your life.” He looked away for a moment. “It’s possible to love someone from afar. She knew that.”

I blinked back tears. “What about my father…the man who raised me? His name was John Sexton. Did you know him?”

“We met a few times. He was…I think you were his whole life. What he did for you was very special.”

I brushed a tear from my cheek. “He sacrificed everything for me. Whoever…regardless of whether or not I learn who my biological father was, he’ll always be the man I consider my father.”

Russell smiled, his eyes turning glassy as his emotions surfaced for the first time since we’d met. “Those exploding stars left quite a legacy.”

I dried my tears and stood. “If there’s nothing else, I guess I should be going.”

He walked Bernie and me to the door. We stopped there and I thanked him before he said, “When you…after you read the letter…maybe you’ll want to stop by again. We can talk some more.”

As I turned to leave, I had the impression there was a message behind his words but I wasn’t sure what it was. The afternoon was warm and I felt the sunlight on my face as I walked to my car. Collin Russell’s words about exploding suns and how we are made of starlight came back to me. It occurred to me that besides planets, eyes, hearts, and brains, there was something else the starlight and those millions of years had left behind. It was a gift that I thought about every time my father, my love-dad, came to mind. The gift of love.

To an outsider it might sound crazy but ten days later I still hadn’t read my mother’s letter. I’d lived most of my life not knowing about her. To now suddenly become aware that she knew all about my life and had written a letter to me was overwhelming.

It was something I talked about with Beverly Chan one afternoon. She was a counselor I’d seen with my sister and I’d recently gone back to her on my own. “In some ways I think reading her letter would be therapeutic but…maybe there are things my mother said that I’m not emotionally ready to hear.”

Dr. Chan was in her thirties, petite, with dark hair. She was a little on the serious side. “Tell me what you mean.”

I took a moment trying to focus my thoughts. “I understand why my mother never tried to contact me, still…” My chest heaved. “Maybe I’m just afraid that she wasn’t the person I want her to be. It could be that there’s another reason she never contacted me.”

“You’re afraid that she didn’t love you because she gave you up.”

Tears fell onto my cotton blouse and I nodded.

She gave me a moment, waiting until I had some composure. “What you’re feeling is something that every child who’s ever had a parent that wasn’t involved in their life feels. It’s an insecurity and uncertainty born of abandonment.”

I drew in a breath and released it slowly. “I think you’re right, even though I know why my mother couldn’t be a part of my life...” I focused on her. “…it makes me wonder if she truly loved me.”

I had the impression Dr. Chan was feeling the impact of what I’d said before she went on. “Have you ever gone some place, maybe taken a trip and realized the place wasn’t anything like you imagined it would be?”

After a moment I said, “Years ago I went to an island in the Caribbean. Part of the island was dry, almost like a desert. It was nothing like I expected.”

“It’s the same thing with people, Kate. You will never know your mother, but when you read her letter you will get a glimpse of who she was, some insight into her life and thoughts. I think you’re right to wait to read the letter. You need to spend some time processing the emotions you’re feeling. When you’re ready, you’ll know it. You’ve waited a lifetime for this, don’t rush the process.”

We went on, discussing my mother and the man who had raised me for a few minutes before the discussion turned to my relationships. “I got a call from a man I recently met. His name is Noah Fraser. He’s a veterinarian. He wants to take me to dinner.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s just that I’ve been seeing someone else—Hud Mackenzie. We were involved for a brief period of time a few months ago when I’d broken up with my former boyfriend. I think we rushed things then, so I’ve taken things slowly. We’ve only gone out to dinner and for drinks, nothing more, but I know he wants to take things to the next level.”

“And you’re not ready for that.”

I shook my head.

“And Noah, what are your feelings about him?”

“I like him…” I smiled. “A lot, I think.”

“Then, if I were you, I’d go to dinner with him and take things from there. If he’s someone you want to continue to see…then you can make a decision about Hud.”

***

“I can’t believe I agreed to this,” I said to Natalie and Mo.

We were in the backseat of Nana’s limo the night after my counseling session. Nana’s chauffeur was driving us to Apschlitz, or Ape Shit, Studios, as everyone called it. Nana was our former landlord who had recently become a multi-millionaire thanks to a husband who dropped dead on their wedding day. Claude Whipple had left everything he owned to Nana, over the objection of his ghoulish family who were still contesting his will.

Nana was in her eighties with more wrinkles than a cheap suit, blue-gray hair, and a set of oversized dentures that made me think an elderly dinosaur had escaped from Jurassic Park. She was also taking a sexual rejuvenation drug that had affected both her sex drive and her personality.

We were all headed to a rehearsal for their TV show,
Hollywood Girlz
. Natalie and Mo were co-stars of the sit-com, while Nana had recently convinced the director to give her a small part in the show. I’d recently also made an appearance on the series, after losing a stupid bet to my friends. The result had been total humiliation that I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover from.

“Maybe they’ll give you another walk-on part in the show,” Nana said to me in her high-pitched warble. Bernie was resting at my feet and lifted his head as she spoke, probably irritated by her voice. “Even though you don’t have half the acting chops I’ve got.”

“Maybe your own part on our show will be short,” Natalie said to Nana, who I knew irritated her. My beautiful British friend had on a mini-skirt that showed off her long, silky legs. “It could be that one of the scripts will call for you to drop dead.”

My friends sometimes give the word tactless a whole new dimension, something that Mo also demonstrated as she said to Nana, “If we’re lucky, Saint Peter will make a house call, take you home with him tonight.”

Mo, a former madam who tried to get girls off the streets, was fond of wigs. Tonight her big head was adorned with a blonde topper that looked like something Lady Gaga might have rejected.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nana countered. “I’ve still got a lot of living to do.” Her gray eyes swung over in the direction of our driver and she licked her ruby lips. Her chauffeur was twenty-something and looked like he could be Channing Tatum’s brother.

Mo shook her blonde head and made a sound like something I’d once heard coming from a riding stable. “You need to give that chassis of yours a rest before the wheels come off the bus.”

The elderly bus frowned. “You can’t take what you’ve got with you, unless you’re Kate.” Her gaze swung in my direction. “I hear you’re a born again virgin.”

“What’s it like havin’ your cherry back?” Natalie asked me. “Do you even remember what it’s like to have sex?”

“Unless Kate’s got herself a degree in ancient history, it’s doubtful,” Mo said before I could answer. She chortled. “Maybe the last time she did the dirty deed it was with King Henry.”

Natalie’s voice pitched higher. “Is it true that bloke was hung like a stallion?”

I rolled my eyes and huffed out a breath. “I wouldn’t know since he’s been dead over four hundred years.”

My friends were unhappy over my decision to go slow when it came to relationships. Hud and I had been dating for a couple of months and they knew things hadn’t gotten past the handholding stage. My decision made about as much sense to my friends as a Chinese newspaper.

Natalie was now holding a hand mirror and primping. “What’s happening with that doggy stud you were seeing?”

I felt the need to move the discussion in a different direction and defend my love life, so I said, “We’re going out to dinner this week.”

“Are you going to re-pop your cherry on your first date?” Nana asked.

“No. And I…my…” My lungs deflated.
Why did I even bother?

Mo took over for Nana. “Knowing Kate, she’ll wait until there’s snow flurries in hell before she gives it up again.”

They went on for a few minutes, each of them speculating on when, or if, I’d ever lose my mythical virginity. I refused to engage with them until the conversation shifted and Mo mentioned my mother’s letter. “When you gonna read what your momma wrote?”

I’d told my friends about my meeting with Collin Russell because…well, just because they’re my friends and, despite all their shortcomings, I have no one else to talk to about personal matters, except for my brother.

“I’m not sure. I think I need more time.”

“That letter might tell you who your daddy was,” Natalie said, putting down her mirror. “Aren’t you even a little bit curious ’bout the bloke?”

“Maybe your dad is somebody famous, like the governor,” Mo suggested.

“I doubt that. I’ve spent a lifetime not knowing him, so I’m in no rush.”

Nana stopped making goo-goo eyes at her driver in his rearview mirror long enough to turn to me. “Were you an ugly child?”

“What? I don’t think…”

“Maybe that’s why your mother gave you up.” She turned to my friends. “I had a cousin that looked like a piglet when she was a baby. Her mama couldn’t stand the sight of her.”

“Kate don’t look like no pig,” Mo said, chuckling. “But there might be some resemblance to a dog.”

Bernie’s eyes came open and he lifted his head in her direction.

“A dog?” I was offended and hurt by what she’d said.

“I’m talking ‘bout an Irish Setter. Those red streaks in your hair…” Mo’s big shoulders slumped. She apparently realized she’d fallen off the far end of the tact scale. “Sorry, I didn’t mean nuthin’ bad.”

I’d recently had Robin, who’s a hairdresser, once again add some auburn highlights to my hair, since his last attempt had left me looking like I’d been dipped in tomato sauce. The results had been better, but after Mo’s comments I now wondered if I looked like I should be wearing a collar.

Natalie made an attempt to bolster my spirits. “I think Kate looks like one of them tall runway models.” She looked at me. “Maybe you should strap on some wings and prance around in your undies.”

“I’m sure that outfit would go over well at work.”

What I’d said made me think about the phone call I’d received earlier in the day. Lieutenant Oz had said that I was cleared in the shooting and scheduled to return to work. I had mixed feelings about that. I missed my friends at work, but I also knew the job could be emotionally draining. There was also the prospect of working with Alex Hardy, my temporary new partner. Hardy was a big ball of mush with a bad attitude. We were like gasoline and fire when we were together.

Our ride mercifully ended a few minutes later at stage four of Ape Shit Studios. Bernie and I were warmly greeted by the cast and crew, most of whom we knew from my prior performance. I watched as my friends, Nana, and Carly Hogg, the star of the show, rehearsed. The episode had to do with Nana, whose character’s name was Winnie Farnsworth, moving in next door to where my friends and Carly lived. Winnie wasn’t too far removed from Nana’s real life persona. The episode ended with her new beau, a lecherous octogenarian named Fred, who also had designs on Natalie’s character, moving in with her over the objections of everyone.

As my friends wrapped up their rehearsal, Betty Ward, one of the owners of the studio arrived. I’d met her during the filming of my own episode of the show. Betty was in her late twenties, with short blonde hair. She was a bit on the manic side and full of nervous energy.

She saw me and Bernie on the sidelines and came over. “Let me know when you’re ready to do an encore of your last performance. I’m still getting tweets about it.”

Her comment made me wonder how much razzing I’d take from my coworkers about the show when I returned to work. “I’ll probably be ready in a couple of lifetimes. I’ll let you know.”

She smiled, glancing at the rehearsal for a moment. “Actually, Brian and I are in discussions with your department about doing a show called
Hollywood Detective.
It’s going to follow real life homicide cases and the investigators.” She paused, smiling. “I don’t suppose you’d be interested in being on the show.”

Brian was Brian Apschlitz, the co-owner of the studio. “Thanks, but no-thanks.” I tried to be diplomatic, adding, “The job is difficult enough without a camera following you around.”

She nodded. “I understand. I’ve read about some of your cases. You’ve got a pretty amazing track record.”

“Thanks, but I work with a lot of good people…” I cut my eyes to Bernie. “Not to mention a pretty amazing dog.”

“Your story, and Bernie being the first canine to work in a homicide unit, would generate a lot of interest.” She stood up. “Think it over. I don’t need an answer tonight.”

I was irritated, since I’d already told her I wasn’t interest in being on the show, but she was gone before I could respond.

Ten minutes later, Natalie and Mo finished up their rehearsal and joined me. We all watched for a moment as Nana was talking to Fred, her new boyfriend on the show. 

Mo shook her head that was sans the wig that she was carrying like a linebacker with a football. “I feel sorry for Fred. I gotta feeling Lady Love is gonna dig her claws into him before long.”

Natalie agreed. “The bloke will probably be dead in a week with the black widow on the prowl.”

A few minutes later, we were headed to the limo with Nana when Carly Hogg stopped us. The star of
Hollywood Girlz
was a big woman with an even bigger attitude.

“I heard you’re going to be part of the team,” Carly said, slapping me on the back.

My brows inched together as I regarded her. “What are you talking about?”

She laughed. “I guess the star is always the last to know. I just got word you’re going to be the star of a new show called
Hollywood Detective.”