Hollywood Ass. (24 page)

The only regret I had on this glorious and satisfying night was that
B
wasn’t a part of it.

***

At almost two in the morning I was alone, cleaning up the last bits from the opening night. The staff, my parents, the band, my friends, everyone had gone home, all excited about the turnout but obviously exhausted too. I was dead tired myself, but too excited to get a proper night’s sleep straight away. I needed to let my head wind down properly, have a glass of wine and let the whole thing sink in.

When I had finished cleaning, I went over to the bar and poured myself a glass of the Antinori I had gotten through one of Jorge’s wine contacts and prepared myself a small platter with
parmeggiano
, brie, parma ham, honey, olives and ciabatta bread. Then I sat down in one of the leather chairs and took a deep breath. I was too tired to read so I just sat there, drained of energy, breathing slowly and thinking about the day that had passed by so quickly it was impossible to piece it all together.

But the wave of relief didn't last longer than ten minutes, because someone knocked on the door. I was worried at first that it would mean trouble, but luckily I had the CCTV cam to rely on. And what it showed me sent a jolt through my body. I shivered to the image of
B
, standing outside my door, looking severely uncomfortable. Shocked, I went over there to open.

“Hi Darryl.” She didn’t look well, in fact it looked like she had been crying.

“Come in,” I said, and closed the door after her. She walked over to a chair and slumped down in it.

“Wine?” I said like I had talked to her yesterday.

“Yes, please.”

I went over to the kitchen and poured her a glass, but couldn’t avoid spilling a bit because my hands were shaking so badly.

I sat in the chair opposite and pushed the tray I’d prepared over to her, “There’s more if you want.”

“I’m okay,” she said, but she didn’t look it one bit.

“Wow,” she said after a little while, “the place really looks fantastic. I’m so happy for you.”

But she didn’t look happy that’s for sure.

“How are you?” I said.

But
B
didn’t reply, instead she started crying.

I didn’t know what to do so I walked over to her, kneeled down by her side and hugged her. I hugged her as hard as I could and she hugged me back. I felt tears well up inside, tears of exhaustion, tears of blocked-out emotions, tears from seeing my best friend in pain.

“I don’t know, Darryl,” she said, when the tears had stopped flowing, “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“What do you mean?” I said, as softly as I could.

“I’m happy, then I’m miserable, I’m happy, then I’m miserable. I have no middle ground. I don’t know how to feel
normal
.”

At that point I wanted to kiss her and reassure her that everything was going to be okay. But it would be the wrong thing to do, so I didn’t.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at the film shoot or what?”

“No, everything is good. Should be good. And that’s the problem - everything’s fine but I feel like the loneliest and most miserable person in the world. I know I’m not, of course I know, but I can’t maintain that feeling without sinking into a black hole and I’m so tired of being down there.
It sucks
!”

We shared a sad smile to that.
B
had a way of sprinkling humor into the most dire circumstances. It was a style of communication we shared - you could even say it was our own private little way of talking.

“You’re lonely,” I said.

“Yes, I’m horribly lonely.”

“Why didn’t you call me before?”

B
took a napkin and dabbed her eyes, “I just couldn’t do it to you. I don’t
want
to be here. It’s not right. You’re in love with me and I just
need
you, I can’t play around with your feelings anymore.”

Something sank inside of me. For a second I hated her, I absolutely hated her. Why couldn’t she just love me? She NEEDED me, she wanted me by her side, why was
loving
me so fucking difficult?

“Okay,” I said, not sure how to proceed, was this what she was so miserable about?

“I’m sorry, Darryl, I really am.”

“You’re sorry, I’m sorry, I guess we’re both sorry about the situation,” I said coldly and rose from my knees. I didn’t want her and her self-pity in my bar anymore, I wanted to be alone.

“Don’t be angry with me. I can’t take it when you’re angry with me!”

I sipped my glass of wine and looked at her. And suddenly I saw a five-year-old girl in front of me instead of the woman I was in love with.

“What do you want me to do then?”

“I want you to be my friend. I hope we can go back to what we had that felt so good.”

“So the money you gave to me, they had some kind of condition that I had to come back as your assistant?”

“No, they are a gift. They’re yours no matter if we never see each other again. Don’t talk stupid.”

My anger was slowly dissipating, but instead I felt helplessness. Could I let
B
back into my life again? Or was it love or nothing?

After a while I found my voice, “Why did you come this late and not for the opening? I could’ve been asleep by now.”

B
looked down, “I wasn’t planning to see you, but then I couldn’t sleep and it got so bad I suffered something like a panic attack and I couldn’t stand to be alone. I’m terrified, Darryl. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I can’t just relax and enjoy my life.”

“Maybe you should take another break? Call off your engagements?”

“It’s not about work, at least I’m not lonely there, but I don’t want to live only when I work. That’s exactly the kind of person I
don’t
want to be.”

“Okay,” I said. I didn’t know where the conversation was leading. She was lonely and panicking again, I was happy about my success, but still heartbroken. Something had to give.

“I have a proposal for you. If you agree to see a therapist, to deal with the demons in your brain, I’ll move in with you again.” My mouth said, but I wasn’t sure if my brain was involved. Moving back with
B
could potentially be very, very painful to me.

“Could you? I mean, I don’t want you to be my assistant or lover, I just want you to be my friend.”

I was losing the battle I had promised myself not to lose, but at this point I was too tired to care. Maybe things looked different after a night’s sleep.

“I can’t promise you it will be easy, it might not work out at all,” I said to buy myself the chance of changing my mind.

B
suddenly looked relieved, like a huge knot had been untied inside of her. She looked at me and said, “You were really in love with me weren’t you? Why didn't you show it more then? Most of the time after Clarendon you were stale and uncomfortable, it was like too different people.”

I couldn’t really disagree with her, I had been too self-conscious and lacked the confidence to be in a relationship with her. It must have showed more than I thought.

“I was intimidated and confused by the situation. What could I really offer you? A few jokes? A shoulder to cry on? That’s not really enough for a relationship, no matter how much I wanted it to be.”

B
’s voice went up a pitch when I said this, “I’m sorry but what the fuck are you talking about? You're the nicest guy I've ever met and you really bring out the best in me. Why do you think I want you around all the time? To think you have no chance to be in a relationship with me is all in your head, no-one else’s. And that’s perhaps the problem.”

This fueled me on. “Come on now! That’s what all girls say,
you’re too good for me
. It’s just bullshit to make themselves feel more okay about hurting someone.”

B
collected herself and took a long sip from her glass, “The point I want to make, Darryl, is that I need you in my life. I don’t really know in which form yet, but I guess that will show. Only that I need you. That’s all I can say right now.”

Her words made me uneasy. Was there a chance for
us
somewhere down the road? A chance I had completely discarded before she showed up on my doorstep and stirred things up again. I knew somewhere that right now wasn’t the time, that the best thing would probably be to say no, stay away from each other and not get confused again. I needed to put all my energy into my business and had neither time nor energy for heartbreak.

Part of me wanted to say no for exactly that reason, not to affect the positive path I was on, the good feeling and the
flow
I was experiencing at the moment, and a small part of me also wanted to say no to hurt her, to revenge how she hurt me, and to show her she doesn’t always get what she wants.

But then again, it was
B
. The person I’d recently found out I loved more than I had ever loved anyone. And if there was a chance with her, even if it was the tiniest, shitty little iota of a chance, then I better take it.

So I took it.

***

Epilogue

I know you might want the happy ending, the one where
B
and I fell in love and lived happily together ever after, but sadly, that’s not how life works. This doesn’t mean the ending or whatever end we’re coming towards isn’t happy, because we’re both happy being friends as I write this. It just didn’t work out towards a relationship, and no matter how heartbreaking this might sound, it’s all for the best.

We’re both still single, although dating other people at the time of writing. I’m happy to say I’ve been able to let go and settle for a friendship where we can help each other towards something better without confusing things. Despite how spectacular I felt at times during the brief fling I’ve described in this book, I’ve also realized that I was somewhat blinded by the circumstance, being able to capture the heart of a sought-after world class celebrity.

It was a major rush that twisted and turned my head and heart from being madly in love to being deeply depressed.

In a way I’m very lucky it happened, because it brought me out of my slightly anti-social, workaholic shell and made me understand a lot about love, friendship and, perhaps most of all, myself. It has helped me grow as a person and forged an even stronger bond between
B
and I.

It has made me realize that I’m a lucky man.

Another reason I’m lucky man, is that my wine bar has become a popular hangout. It’s actually become so popular that I’m playing around with the idea of opening a restaurant in the same style together with Jorge. It’s a long-term project, but it would be exciting to work together again and I know no better chef than my good friend.

Talking about Jorge, last night
B
and I went to his son’s release party. Luís talent and hard work has finally paid off and his music can now be heard on MTV, in radio and purchased in stores and on iTunes. I’m really happy for him and his father and proud that I was gutsy enough to believe in him. Who knows what lies in his path, but it’s a great satisfaction to feel that no matter how little experience I have in the music industry, my gut feeling was right - the guy’s really good. Screw you, Barry Waldruff, because Luís is going places.

B
has also gone places since she came to the enoteca and opened her heart. She has started seeing a therapist and made an effort to bridge the gap between her and her mother. So far it’s gone really well, and the woman I meet every week for lunch is far from the train-wreck who laid her innards out on the red carpet. Her eyes are so much happier now and she tells me she limits herself to a few glasses of wine per week. I can’t tell you how happy I am that my friend is doing well.

I’ve realized through telling this story and thinking about what
B
and I’ve been through in our relationship, that true friendship is one of the most beautiful things in life and it would be a shame not to treat it with utmost care and love.

Be there for one another. It’s as simple as that.

In saying so, I know our friendship wasn’t always the easiest one. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs and have gone from working together, to friends, to lovers and back to friends again. It’s been a crazy ride, but in the end we’ve always come back to the understanding that we need each other.

So let’s raise our glasses and toast to friendship that goes beyond what’s expected and remains through the harshest of storms. After all, this is the substance of life and relationships in its most core element, and that alone is worthy of celebration.

Cheers.

/Darryl

THE END.

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