Holly's Christmas Kiss (8 page)

‘My flat’s in Edinburgh. Christmas is at home.’

‘Whose home?’

‘Mine. Well technically, it’s mine. Mum and Dad still live there.’

‘Who’s going to be there?’

‘Just family.’

A full-on family Christmas? ‘I can’t come to Christmas with your whole family. I don’t know them.’

‘You know me.’

‘Barely!’

Sean shrugged. ‘Well you promised you’d do Christmas. Christmas means family I’m afraid.’

Michelle  scowled, but knew that without anywhere else to go, she was well and truly beaten. ‘Where is it then?’

He paused for a second. ‘Near Edinburgh.’

He strode across the station to the car hire window and started talking and filling in papers for the assistant. Michelle watched in silence.

Once he’d collected the keys she followed him to the car park. ‘How near Edinburgh?’

‘Not too far.’

Something about his tone made her suspicious. ‘How far exactly?’

‘Couple of hours.’ He looked at the snow starting to fall gently from the sky. ‘Maybe three.’

He clicked the car key and opened the boot of the hire car. ‘Would have preferred a four wheel drive in this weather to be honest.’

‘What?’

‘It’ll be fine.’ He glanced back at the snow. ‘Probably.’

Without much other option, Michelle climbed into the car. It was clean and fresh, and had the recently valeted new car smell. She leant back into the passenger seat and settled to watch the scenery go by as Sean set off to drive out of the city. The radio was on, and a mix of cheesy Christmas music washed over them both. The snow falling had a hypnotic quality and the combination of the snowy cold outside and warm glühwein inside was cheering. She listened to the music, watched the snow, and resolved to try to follow through on her promise to embrace the Christmas mood. Life seemed to be giving her lemons. She would follow her mum’s example, and do her best to make lemonade.

Her last conversation with her mother came into her head. ‘Put yourself first, Michelle,’ and then the instruction to use her inheritance for a holiday, a trip of a lifetime all for herself. She’d taken that as her
mum’s last lesson in independence, but what if she’d meant something else entirely. Put yourself first. Good advice, if you knew what yourself wanted.

Sean’s voice interrupted her thoughts, as he swore quietly under his breath. They were well out of the city now, on winding narrow lanes. Sean switched off the engine. Why had they stopped?

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Bit of snow.’ He grinned over at her. ‘Don’t worry. Wait here a minute.’

He jumped out of the driver’s seat and walked around the car. Straining in her seat, Michelle saw him stop and pull his phone from his pocket. After a minute he stuffed the phone back in his pocket and jogged back to the car. ‘At least you’re awake now.’

‘I wasn’t asleep.’

‘You were drifting off before we left the station.’

‘Oh.’ That explained how quickly they seemed to have got out of the city. ‘What’s the problem?’

Sean smiled sheepishly. ‘Should have got a four wheel drive.’

He turned the key in the ignition and flicked the headlights on so she could see the narrow country road ahead more clearly. It was covered in a deepening layer of white.

‘I told you snow was a pain. What are we going to do?’

‘We’ll be fine. We’re nearly there. I’ve ordered us a taxi.’

‘A taxi won’t get through this!’

He laughed. ‘This one will.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Trust me.’

A few minutes later, Michelle heard a sound in the lane behind them. She spun her head. It was a tractor. ‘That’s never going to get past us.’

Sean had already jumped out of the car and was waving his arms in the middle of the road. He disappeared into the gloom. After a second, Michelle got out of the car to see Sean embracing an old man in a wax jacket that had probably seen its better days sometime before she’d been born. The man, apparently, went with the tractor, and, as soon as he released Sean from the hug, he was lifting bags out of the boot of the hire car and stowing them in the cab.

‘Come on then.’ Sean bounded back to her side of the car. ‘Our lift’s here.’

‘What?’

‘Oh. Sorry. Michelle, meet my dad. Dad, this is Michelle.’

The old man stepped forward. ‘Alun.’

Alun turned to his son. ‘Another one for dinner tomorrow then?’

Sean nodded, and Alun returned his gaze to Michelle. ‘The more the merrier.’

Sean found a perch alongside his dad in the tractor, and leant down to take Michelle’s hand, pulling her into the cramped cab.

‘Not much space, I’m afraid.’ He grinned and pulled Michelle onto his lap. ‘Hold on.’

Michelle balanced herself on Sean’s knee, her torso pressed against his body, his arm wrapped tightly around her waist to keep her in the cab. The journey couldn’t have lasted more than twenty minutes but Michelle felt every second. Sean’s breathing against her neck, his arm around her waist, his fingers inside her duffle coat gripping the fabric of her top to hold her steady on his lap. Heat raced through her body. Was he feeling it too? If he was there was no sign of it. He was chatting to his dad. Something to do with work and a farm she gleaned, but she struggled to concentrate on the conversation. She still didn’t know what Sean did for a living. He seemed to be doing all right, if his willingness to buy first class train tickets for virtual strangers was any guide, but beyond that she had no idea, which made the heat in her body and the lightness in her head even more confusing. Relationships, in Michelle’s world, were based on shared values and common interests, not on physical attraction, fairground rides and glühwein.

The tractor jolted over a bump, and Sean’s arm braced to keep her secure on his lap. It was a long time since Michelle had spent this long this close to another human being. Her mum had never been one for big displays of affection, and Michelle had thought she was
the same.

Another bump marked the entry to a farmyard. Through the dark and snow, Michelle could make out various outbuildings to one side of the yard, and a house to the other. The tractor pulled to a halt. Alun jumped down, and offered his hand to help Michelle out of the cab.

‘You coming, son?’

‘Sure.’

Alun dragged Michelle’s case down from the cab and gestured towards the house.

‘Right in there. Sean’ll show you what’s what.’

And he headed off.

Michelle glanced at her watch. After midnight. She turned back towards the tractor. ‘Are you
Ok?’

Sean grinned and stretched to uncurve his cramped spine. ‘Fine. Let’s go in.’

He jumped from the cab and grabbed hold of her case. ‘Don’t mind my dad. Man of few words. You’ll understand when you meet Mum.’

Michelle followed Sean towards the house and into the darkened hallway. The ceiling was low and the stairway was narrow. She got the impression of an old cottage, which had probably been extended and remodelled by generations of occupants. Sean leant past her to shut the door, moving his body in close to hers. A hush fell over them. She could hear his breath, and feel the warmth from his body. She raised her face to meet his lips. The kiss was softer than she expected, and more lingering. Without thinking about it, she parted her lips and reached her hand to his waist. Sean raised his fingers to her cheek, and traced her jawline, sending a flush of warmth through her body. The world beyond the tiny dark hallway faded away.

Sean pulled back.

‘Sorry.’ He turned his head away from her face. ‘That was out of order.’

‘It’s Ok.’ She mumbled the words into her chest.

‘Yeah.’ He tried to arrange a smile on his face. ‘Just got a bit carried away. Christmas spirit and all that.’

He took a big step back from her. ‘Right. Wait here. I’ll go find you some towels and work out who’s sleeping where.’

He disappeared up the staircase at the end of the hallway. Michelle leant back against the wall. Her heart was beating hard and fast. Stupid, stupid
, Michelle. Clearly Sean had instantly regretted what had just happened. He had just been being friendly. Nothing more.

Sean jogged back down the stairs, arms now full of towels and bedding, and stopped a clear two metres out of touching range. ‘It’s a bit of a full house.’

‘Who’s here?’ Michelle remembered that she wasn’t just spending Christmas with a man she barely knew; she was spending it with his whole family.

Sean waved a vague hand towards the upstairs. ‘Oh, people.’

He pushed one of the doors off the hallway open. ‘Brilliant. No one down here.’

He turned back to Michelle. ‘I’m sorry. Are you all right on the sofa?’

She nodded.

‘Good.’ Sean busied himself spreading sheets, blankets and pillows over the sofa.

‘There’s a shower room down here too, through the kitchen.’ He pointed towards another doorway, and flung a towel over the arm of the settee. ‘So are you sure you’re Ok there?’

Michelle nodded again. ‘Where will you be?’

Sean shrugged. ‘On a floor somewhere by the looks of things.’

‘You could …’ Michelle stopped herself. She’d already made a fool of herself with the kiss. She wasn’t going to get rejected again.

‘What?’

‘Nothing. I’ll see you in the morning.’ Michelle nodded brightly.

‘Right. Goodnight then.’

Michelle sat on her makeshift bed and listened to Sean’s footsteps disappear upstairs. She found the rumoured shower room and brushed her teeth. Back in the lounge, she snuggled down into the surprisingly comfortable cocoon he’d built for her, and tried to think about anything other than that kiss.

Upstairs, Sean tried to settle on the floor of his sister’s childhood bedroom, which was already occupied by his brother, Luke, in the bed, and fifteen-year-old nephew on the foldout bed. A quick survey had told him that it was the least occupied room in the house, as his sister-in-law and the baby were packed into the old nursery, and his sister, her husband and the twins were all but stacked vertically in his and Luke’s old room. A full house for Christmas – just how his
mum liked it.

The floor was hard and he’d been left with the oldest, least presentable of the available bedding, but it wasn’t discomfort that was keeping him awake. Normally he could sleep anywhere without a problem. What had he done? He’d brought a girl he hardly knew all this way on an impulse. His thoughts turned back to the last time he’d acted on impulse in a relationship. Cora. Perfect, particular Cora. The promise to build a life together. For better or worse and all that. Promises made on impulse, Sean knew, were easily broken, and the hearts that made promises were collateral damage at best.

Broken promises. Broken hearts. Both those things were hard to mend. Sean’s thoughts raced between two extremes. He was dismayed with himself for bringing Michelle here, for kissing her, for stopping kissing her, but, at the same time, the Christmas Eve feeling was growing in his gut. The feeling of anticipation, the childlike wondering about what tomorrow might bring. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to any more, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew exactly what the feeling was. One more sleep, he thought.

Chapter Nine

Boxing Day, 2002

Sean

It’s six o’clock in the morning. I’m wide awake. Nobody should be awake at six o’clock in the morning on Boxing Day. Boxing Day is the ultimate lie-in day. There’s nothing to get out of bed for on Boxing Day.

That’s bollocks, of course. We live on a farm. My dad got up hours ago. I should get out of bed and do some work, but I don’t. I lie and stare into the darkness and wait for Cora to be awake too.

It’s too dark to see, but I know the pile of paper is still sitting on the chair at her side of the bed. The prospectus. The acceptance letter for the course starting in January. The application form, two-thirds completed in my wife’s best writing, for single person’s accommodation.

Really, this is my fault. I was pissing about last night, asking where she’d hidden my Christmas present. I said it didn’t matter if she told me now, because Christmas was over, and then I started pretending to look in places that it might have been. She told me to behave like a grown-up. She tells me that a lot lately. I pulled this shoebox down from the top of the wardrobe and she went mental.

I opened the box. I shouldn’t have opened the box. If I hadn’t opened the box I wouldn’t have found all that stuff, and I wouldn’t know. If I didn’t know it would still be like this wasn’t happening. I wouldn’t be lying awake on Boxing Day morning waiting for my wife to wake up so we can chat, like the grown-ups she wants us to be, about precisely how and when she’s planning to leave me.

Chapter Ten

Christmas Morning, 2013

‘What is she?’

What was happening?

‘She’s a lady.’

Two voices wrenched Michelle from sleep.

‘I know that. What is she doing here?’

She opened one eye. A girl, in pink pyjamas, clutching a teddy bear.

‘Maybe Santa brought her.’

Michelle opened the other eye. A matching boy, blond curls sticking every which way, tiny glasses perched on his button nose, clinging to his sister’s arm.

‘I think she’s awake.’

The girl extended a hand towards Michelle. ‘Good morning, lady. My name is Chloe Patterson. Did Santa bring you?’

Michelle freed one arm from the blanket and shook hands with Chloe Patterson. ‘No. I’m Michelle. I’m Sean’s …’ she searched for a word ‘… friend.’

The girl nodded. ‘Like Amy McAvoy. She is my friend.’

Michelle smiled. ‘Yeah. Like Amy McAvoy.’

She turned to the boy and extended her hand. ‘And you are?’

The boy peered at Michelle uncertainly, and let his sister carry on the talking. ‘He’s Joseph. You can call him Joe or Joseph, but not Joey because it makes Mummy cross. He is shy.’

‘Very good.’ She thought for a second of her own half-brother, Joseph. What was his family Christmas like? Michelle focused her smile on the Joe in front of her. ‘Nothing wrong with being shy.’

‘Mummy said we could pick one present from under the tree to open with breakfast.’ Chloe pointed towards the Christmas tree in the corner of the lounge.

In the beginnings of the morning light, Michelle considered the tree properly for the first time. It was beautiful. Thick, dark, green needles. Tall and full at the base. She swallowed. ‘It’s a lovely tree.’

Chloe nodded. ‘It’s one of Uncle Sean’s. He always gets Nana and Granddad the best tree.’

One of Uncle Sean’s? Who has more than one Christmas tree? Michelle put the thought aside as a misunderstanding of a little girl. The children had lost interest in her and were happily pulling presents from under the tree. Sitting up on the sofa, Michelle listened. She could hear people moving around in other parts of the house. So this was it. Christmas morning in a family home. She took a deep breath.

‘What are you two doing?’ An older woman bustled into the lounge, wearing a pinny over her dressing gown.

‘Mummy said it was all right.’

The woman sighed. ‘Oh, did she now?’

Her attention finally alighted on Michelle. ‘Oh, hello my dear. You must be Sean’s friend. Alun told me he’d brought someone back. I can’t tell you how pleased I am. It’s been so long since he brought anyone home. I was started to think that it would never happen, or that he’d started batting for the other team. Not that I’d have minded that of course. Alun might have had a cow, but I’d have said to him “Alun it’s the twenty-first century. These things are all the rage these days.” So I wondered if that was it. I thought maybe he was shy about telling his Ma. Cameron MacGregor was like that, you know. He didn’t say a thing. Of course his mother had known for years. She heard it from someone in her knitting circle, as it goes. But anyway, here you are. All woman.’

Michelle wasn’t sure how to respond. She hoiked the blanket up a bit higher over her boobs.

‘You’ll be wanting some breakfast. I’m sorry I didn’t have anything for you last night. If I’d known he was bringing someone I’d have left something out. There’s a bit of ham needs using. You could have had a sandwich. Or egg. We’ve always got eggs. Do you like egg?’

Michelle nodded.

‘Well, everyone does. You rarely meet a person who doesn’t like egg. Mind you, I was at school with a girl who wouldn’t eat the whites. Yokes, not a problem, but never the white. Made scrambled egg a right performance.’

‘Chloe!’ A new voice shouted from the hallway before coming into the room. Another woman, maybe a couple of years younger than Michelle. ‘Oh! Hello.’

The older woman continued. ‘This is Sean’s friend. Isn’t it wonderful? Can you remember the last time he brought someone home? I was telling her how we were starting to wonder…’

The younger woman cut in. ‘Hi. I’m Bel. Isobel. People call me Bel.’

‘Michelle.’

‘I’m Sean’s sister. Do you want some breakfast?’

Michelle nodded, noticing that the older woman was still chatting away quite happily, oblivious to the fact that her audience was moving on. She followed Bel into a kitchen-dining room, where the other woman poured herself a generous cup of coffee and an equally generous Buck’s Fizz. Michelle gladly accepted the offer of the former, declined the latter, and sat down at the massive wooden table.

‘Don’t mind Mum going on about Sean.’

Michelle smiled. ‘I won’t. We really are just friends.’

The other woman smirked. ‘Course you are.’

‘We are.’ Michelle could feel her cheeks colouring. ‘I actually only met him two days ago.’

‘Woah!’ Bel pulled out the seat opposite Michelle and sat down. Her face opened up into a big wide toothy smile with echoes of Sean’s own familiar grin. ‘Talk about acting on impulse. He must have got it bad.’

‘No!’ Michelle shook her head. ‘It’s not like that. I got stranded in the snow. I think he took pity on me.’

Because that was all it was, Michelle told herself. The kiss last night had clearly meant nothing to him. It was an aberration, best forgotten.

‘If you say so. Really don’t mind Mum. I don’t know why she got it into her head that he might play for the other team. I mean, he got married for goodness’ sake!’

Married? Michelle swallowed hard, pushing down the bile that was rising in her throat. Married. Well, that was that then. Any interest he might have had in her was nothing more than a mouse playing while its cat was away.

‘Oh my God!’ Bel clamped her hand over her mouth. ‘You knew that didn’t you? I haven’t massively ballsed things up, have I?’

Michelle shook her head and tried to make her lips into a smile. They didn’t seem to remember where to go. ‘We really are just friends.’

‘Thank God! Seriously, I’m getting worse than Mum with my mouth. Don’t know when to stop talking. That’s my trouble.’

Michelle made another attempt at a reassuring smile, but she wasn’t sure how convincing her unconcerned act was. She wasn’t that convinced by it herself.

The tension eased as the room filled up and Michelle was introduced by Bel to her husband, her other brother, Luke, and his wife and children. She had a cuddle with the baby, and busied herself with introductions and chit-chat and anything that wasn’t thinking about Sean. She was almost managing it, when the man himself surfaced and poured himself an even bigger mug of coffee than his sister.

She watched him lean against the kitchen worktop sipping his coffee. Married. He got married. That’s what Bel had said, not that he was married now. Michelle felt her stomach flip. It might only have lasted a few weeks. It might have been a quickie wedding of convenience to get some poor Ukrainian farm worker a visa. His wife could have left him years ago, or he left her, or she died. Michelle’s hopes rose with the thought, and then she felt guilty for wishing this stranger dead. Her stomach flipped again. Bel hadn’t said that he wasn’t married now either though. Michelle forced herself to take a deep breath. It was irrelevant. She didn’t care for him either way.

After breakfast, Sean watched his family bustle Michelle away into the lounge. He hung back, unexpectedly uncertain how to approach her. Should he pretend the kiss hadn’t happened? Go back to their nice safe agreement, that this was forty-eight hours of Christmas cheer and then back to their normal lives?

Sean’s father was sitting alone at the table. ‘What are you doing?’

Alun raised a finger to his lips and then pointed at the open door behind Sean. He closed the door and sat down at the table.

‘Getting some quiet. It’s a mad house through there.’

Sean laughed. ‘Always is in this place.’

Sean’s phone beeped in his pocket. He scrolled quickly through the text, hit delete and switched the phone to silent.

His father raised an eyebrow in question.

‘Cora.’

‘Ah, and what does the former Mrs Munro want this fine morning?’

‘This and that.’

‘And I trust she’ll not be getting either of them from you any
more?’

Sean shook his head.

‘Probably best.’

‘What am I going to do?’

‘About what?’

Sean didn’t answer.

‘Let me guess. About the fine young red-headed lassie you managed to bring home?’

Sean nodded.

‘You like her?’

Sean paused. He nodded again.

‘I should imagine the best thing would be to just go for it. You don’t get anywhere in life sitting on the sidelines.’

Sean shook his head. ‘Not this time.’

‘Ah, you’re not still on Cora.’

Cora. The last time Sean had dived right into a relationship, and it hadn’t worked. He had to rebuild his whole idea of who he was and what love was, and it didn’t involve diving straight in any
more. ‘Well look where I ended up.’

‘You ended up here.’ Alun sighed. ‘Look. I don’t do so well with talking. I leave that for your mother.’

‘She doesn’t give you much choice.’

‘Watch what you’re saying about your mother.’

Sean’s head dipped. ‘Sorry.’

‘I should think so. Anyway, you jump in if that’s what you want to do. Since Cora you’ve been cautious when it comes to the girls. It’s not you. You’re a jumping in with both feet man.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I do. Look at this place. I retired five years ago. You increased the business more in your first year, than I did in the last twenty-five, by just going for it. I was terrified the whole time. Thought you were going to lose me my house, but no. You went for it and it paid off.’

‘I’m scared.’

Alun grunted. ‘Well that’s no good reason not to do anything now, is it?’

Could it be that easy? Could he really step up to the edge of the cliff and jump with no idea at all whether she’d catch him? No safety net of telling himself he’d never see her again. No pretence that this was forty-eight hours of madness and then he could walk away. Could he?

‘I don’t know.’

His father shook his head. ‘Well you’d best make your mind up. I just don’t reckon you can change who you are. Not doing something because you’re scared. It’s not you.’

Sean pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. ‘Right then.’

Michelle spent the morning discovering that one of the joys of a big boisterous family, desperate to include her in all their activities, was that it made it surprisingly easy to avoid one specific member of that family. She went upstairs with Bel to find some clothes to borrow. She admired the twins’ new toys, and allowed them to pull her into an elaborate game of
dolls versus dinosaurs, a pastime that appeared to be well-established as their joint favourite. She won grudging kudos from Sean’s teenage nephew by working out how to get music to download onto his brand new Christmas present smartphone. She won grudging respect from Alun with her ability to chat about savings rates and pensions options. She offered to help Sean’s mum prepare dinner, and was decisively bustled out of the kitchen. And that was her mistake, because that left her in the hallway alone and unchaperoned.

‘Get your coat.’ Sean was leaning on the wall next to the front door.

‘Why?’

‘I want to show you something.’

Sean watched Michelle as she looked down at the skirting board, rather than at him. So he hadn’t been imagining it earlier. She was avoiding him. He’d blown it with that kiss. ‘Look if it’s last night, I’m really sorry. I was out of order. It won’t happen again.’

His eyes flicked to the floor as he spoke
, evading her gaze. He shouldn’t be promising that. It was pretty much the opposite of what he should be saying.

She blinked hard. ‘Fine.’

‘So you’ll let me show you?’

She nodded, a small curt nod. He grabbed both their coats from the hook in the hall before she could change her mind. Then he stopped in the doorway. ‘Wait. What shoe size are you?’

‘Six or seven. Why?’

He scrabbled on the floor in the porch and came up with two wellingtons. ‘Don’t want your shoes getting messed up.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘Just outside, but you are on a farm. Remember?’

Michelle kicked off her shoes and pulled the boots on. ‘These aren’t a pair.’

‘Do they both fit?’

‘Sort of.’ She glanced at his face. ‘Probably good enough.’

Sean grinned. ‘All right then. Come on.’

He bounded out into the farmyard, noticing that the hire car they’d abandoned last night was parked next to the small barn. His dad must have gone out at first light to collect it. He carried on across the yard. He really did want to show her this. It had been in his mind since he very first suggested the whole ‘forty-eight hours of Christmas’ plan. He glanced at the sky. It was clear and blue, and last night’s snow was crisp and untrodden on the ground. Perfect. He led the way across the farmyard and between the two biggest outbuildings to a padlocked gate which he climbed over.