Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces) (16 page)

“Well, if you aren’t going back to school, what are you going to do with your life?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

She made a
tsking
sound with her mouth. “It’s not good to have no goals, Lucy.”

I tightened my grip on my coffee cup. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a rather rough year. I need time to heal before I can think about the future.”

“Oh, I know, but you’ll bounce back. You always do.”

“Are you even listening to me?” I started to stand, but my mom put her hand on my arm.

“Honey, I’m sorry. I just want what best for you. Always what’s best for you.” She leaned over her chair and wrapped her arms around me.

I stiffened. My mom felt cold and hard against me. I closed my eyes and silently swore. I supposed in her own way, my mom did love me. She was just so used to controlling everything around her. She didn’t know how to stop.

And I really could use a mother right now.

Slowly, I slid my arms around my mom and patted her on the back.

“I hope you can forgive me, honey.”

“I forgive you, Mom.” I bright light flashed in front of my eyes. “What the—?”

“We got it, Mrs. White.”

My mom leaned back and smiled. It was then that I noticed a photographer standing over her, camera in hand.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“Reporter for Greendale Daily.” He handed me his card.

A newspaper reporter.
I stared at my mom in shock. “You invited a newspaper reporter here?”

“Honey, they were already watching the building. It was sort of impulsive. I thought that capturing this moment would be sweet. We’d have the picture to look back on.”

“You mean you’d have a sweet picture for the papers.” I threw the card down on the table and stood. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” She stood and shooed away the reporter. “Honey, I’m just doing what’s best for us. We got so much bad press after the accident—”

“Is that all you care about, the press?”

“It’s not just me, you see. Your father was asked a lot of questions down at the Equestrian Club—”

“Oh, so my father can’t ride his horses in peace because of his sick daughter.”

“I was also thinking about you.” She reached out to touch my arm, but I stepped out of her grasp. “The bad press would make it hard to function in the outside world when they finally let you out of this dreadful place.” She looked around and shivered. “The Op Ed story would bury this whole suicide business and help us all to move on.”

“You mean for
you
to move on.” I shook your head. “I’m sorry, Mother. I-I’m done with this.”

“Done with what?”

“All of it.” I waved my hands between the reporter and her. “I’m tired of pretending for the camera.”

“No one is pretending. This is our life.”

“No, this is
your
life. Not mine.” I was so tired of living out my mother’s dreams. It was time to live my own. “Until you can accept me for who I am, I-I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Tears filled my mother’s eyes. “Oh honey, you don’t mean that.”

“I’m afraid I do.”

“You can’t mean that. If-if you stop seeing us, then we won’t pay for your hospital stay. You’ll have nowhere to go.”

“I have my trust fund, remember? My high school graduation present?”

“But that was supposed to pay for school and to help you start your own veterinary practice.”

“I told you, I don’t want to be a vet. I want to get well. I want to live my own life.” I watched her cry. It tore at my hear strings, but I couldn’t keep playing her game anymore, not if I wanted to heal.

And I needed to heal if I wanted to be with Jayden.

“Goodbye, Mother.” I turned and walked away from my mother and my old life.

It was difficult, but my mother would have my father and her job to comfort her. As for me, it was time to pick up the pieces and start over.

No more feeling sorry for myself. No more living my life for other people.

It was time to focus on me.

Chapter Thirteen

I didn’t want to go to Jayden’s going-away party.

The four days passed way too quickly. The more time I spent with Jayden, the closer we became. All of our secrets were out in the open now. We had nothing to hide from each other. Over the past couple of days he had become more than my boyfriend or emotional security blanket. He was like family.

That was why tonight was going to be so hard.

Iris and I had spent the day decorating the common area. We convinced Dr. Polanski to order pizza and had Elias bring in a small radio and some lighting. Flynn brought out the box of instruments and with the help of Martinez, cleared the room of most of the furniture. As soon as Martinez got out of Confinement, Flynn had given him his picture back. Evidently it had fallen behind his dresser. Ever since then, Nesto was much more friendly and approachable. It was good to see them talking again.

Everything looked perfect. All we needed was Jayden.

He arrived shortly after the party started to a lot of cheers and shouts. The music started and the lights went up. A popular band started singing something about how love was madness. People took to the dance floor and began gyrating to the beat. I smiled as I watched the other patients shed their inhibitions and let themselves go. It reminded me of one of the fraternity parties Kyle and I used to attend, but this was different. Here, we didn’t need alcohol or drugs. Here, we were all high on life.

I watched Jayden make his way across the room, first shaking Dr. Polanski’s hand and then giving Carter a hug. All the while, he was searching for something. I held myself still as he made his way around the outskirts of the make-shift dance floor.

When his gaze locked with mine, I pushed back my fears of tomorrow and living without him. If we only had one more night, then I wanted to make the most of it. He left Iris and made his way over to me. Each step he took raised this awareness between us. Tension built as he closed the distance. I tried to look casual, but I’m sure I failed miserably. Jayden looked as though he was going to consume me whole. I kind of liked it.

He stopped in front of me and held out his hand. I could see his lips move but couldn’t understand what he was saying over the loud music.

“What?” I asked.

He laughed and dragged me onto the dance floor. Our bodies crashed together and began to move to the techno beat of the music. I closed my eyes and slipped my arms up around his neck as he pulled me close. I felt his erection press up against my hip and bit back a groan. He locked his gaze with mine as he slipped his hands around my waist. The tension between us was palpable. As the world slipped away, we started moving our hips to the music. I had never felt so connected to anyone in my entire life as I did to Jayden in that moment.

Heat threaded through my body, and I felt light-headed. Jayden leaned in close and placed his lips close to my ear.

“Thank you.”

“You like the party?”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” He leaned back then, just far enough to press his lips against mine.

Desire beat through my body in time to the music. I tightened my grip around his neck, holding him close. He dragged me against his hips and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. By the time he pulled away, I was breathless.

“Pizza?”

I stumbled back as Carter popped up between us, holding a large slice of pepperoni. Jayden laughed and took it from him. “Thanks, buddy.”

We split the pizza and danced two more dances before Jayden was pulled away to talk to some of the other patients.

“Are you going to be there tomorrow morning?” Iris asked. “When he leaves?”

“I think so. It will depend if he wants me there.”

“Oh, he’ll want you there.” I noticed that she had once again curled her hands up into her sleeves.

“This must be hard for you,” I said as I waved my hand in the air. “With all of the people.”

“For you, I’ll manage.” She glanced at Martinez. “But you’re right. I think I’ve pushed enough for one night.” She inched away from me. “Tell Jayden I said goodbye, okay?”

“I will.” I moved to hug her, then remembered that Iris didn’t like touching. “I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Okay.”

As I watched Jayden move about the room, it struck me how much this night was like that night with Kyle and Bethany. Everything was going great, just like this. Then Kyle and I had gotten into that fight. He had stormed off to drink and I looked for Bethany for consolation. After two vodka punches, I had found her, kissing Kyle. It was then that I confronted them, grabbed Bethany’s keys out of her hand, and went to drive myself home.

The memories were more vivid this time, brighter than ever before. My chest started to constrict as I remembered flinging open the door to the car and sticking the keys into the ignition. Kyle grabbed my hand and tried to stop me as Bethany fell into the back seat…

Oh my God.
I gasped as previous dark patches in my memory came back to me with astounding clarity. Holy hell.

Tears streamed down my face as I stumbled toward the exit of the common room. Why was it so hard to breathe in here? I had to get out, needed to find air.

Oh Kyle, how could you?

I braced myself on a nearby chair as I remembered Kyle pulling my hand from the steering wheel and pushing me over into the passenger seat.

It wasn’t my fault. Oh my God, it wasn’t my fault.

“Lucy, are you okay?”

I looked up to see Jayden staring down at me, concern etched in his features.

“It wasn’t my fault, Jayden,” I whispered. “None of it was my fault.”

“What wasn’t your fault?”

Dr. Polanski filled my vision. “Are you okay, honey?”

The tightness in my chest eased and for the first time in a long time, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

“Yes,” I said. “I think I just need to get some rest.”

“Do you want some medication?”

“I…” I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. I just need some sleep, that’s all. It’s been a long day.”

Dr. Polanski stared at me for a minute before answering. “Okay. Just ring a nurse if you need anything.”

“I will.” I let Jayden lead me from the common area and back down the hall to my room. I didn’t need to lean on him for support, but he wanted to help, and his arm felt good wrapped around my waist.

“What happened?” he asked after a moment.

“I remember.”

“Remember what?” He stopped walking and looked at me.

“I remember what happened that night.” I pulled out of his arms and leaned against a nearby wall. “It wasn’t my fault.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” He leaned in close. I loved how his body felt against mine. So warm and unyielding. He made me feel safe.

I smiled up at him. “No, I mean, it really wasn’t my fault. Remember how Kyle put his hand on the steering wheel and then everything got fuzzy?”

“Yeah…” His expression seemed worried, but I was in too much of a rush to get it all out.

“Originally, I thought he had climbed in the back, but he didn’t. In fact, I’m not sure why I thought that, because it doesn’t make much sense.”

“Lucy…”

“Don’t you see? Kyle pushed me into the passenger seat and took the wheel. I hit my head on the door, but somehow managed to not black out. I think that’s part of the reason why everything was fuzzy. You understand what this means? I wasn’t driving that night.” I shook my head as everything came back in sick, agonizing detail. Although this time, the large hollow hole didn’t fill my chest. Instead I felt sad acceptance.

“He pushed me into the passenger seat and took the wheel. Bethany started screaming.” I shook my head. “Kyle was always a daredevil. He thought he was invincible.”

“What happened next?” Jayden’s voice was deathly quiet.

“He started driving. I was crying. Bethany was yelling at Kyle to pull the car over, that he was too drunk to drive. I kept begging him to stop. He told me that it was my fault he was kissing Bethany. I started the fight and drove him into Bethany’s arms.” I reached up and touched Jayden’s scar. “His words must have stuck in my head. I blamed myself, but I wasn’t driving.”

“How did the car crash?”

I closed my eyes. This was the hardest part to tell, but Jayden needed to hear it. He had trusted me with his past, it was time for me to trust him with mine.

“He put his hand on my knee and said that he’d forgive me if I gave him a blow job.” I opened my eyes to see the horror on Jayden’s face.

“He what? While he was driving?”

“Like I said, Kyle was a daredevil. He was also drunk, and when he was drunk, he thought he was invincible.”

“Did you do it?”

“No, but…he tried to make me. Grabbed the top of my head. I-I hit him. I just wanted him to get away from me. I wasn’t thinking…” I took a deep breath. “That was when he swerved into oncoming traffic.”

“The bastard,” Jayden mumbled.

“It was my fault for hitting him, yes, but he was driving.”

“It wasn’t your fault for hitting him, Lucy.” He bent over and kissed my forehead. “Part of me wishes he survived that crash just so I could hit him again.”

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his lips against my head. “The car flipped when we hit oncoming traffic…None of us were wearing seatbelts. Kyle was ejected from the car and somehow I ended up on the driver’s side.” I choked back a sob.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmured as he pulled away.

“It’s not your fault.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

“No. I wish I was there, though. I could have saved you so much pain.”

Tears filled my eyes as I pressed my lips against his. “You’re here now though,” I said once I pulled away. “It’s enough.”

“Is it? I’ll be gone tomorrow—”

“Shh,” I said. “You’re here now, and that’s enough.” I glanced over his shoulder at the supply closet.

“Lucy, I wish I could take you with me.”

“Shh—” I was determined not to be sad about this. I only had one more night with Jayden, and I wanted to make it last. I ducked under his arm, took his hand and led him to the supply closet. “Come on, let’s watch the sunrise.”