Holding Still for as Long as Possible (2 page)

September 2005

[ 1 ]

Josh

Our first call of the day: “
Bravo psych, 43-yr.-old Male. Groin pain. Says he was stabbed in groin by ghost
.”

The phone call jolted Diane and me from our glaze-eyed slump at Station 34. We were lying on the long blue couches watching
ER
,
mostly because the other option was persistent grey fuzz. “Okay, 10-4,” Diane said, before hanging up and rolling her eyes. On the screen: gratuitous blood spilling off a gurney, sculpted cheekbones. I gulped from my Thermos of coffee, turned off the
TV
, and we headed out the door to the truck.

As the call details lit up on the screen between our seats, a light rain fell on the windshield. The call history displayed
a myriad of psych-related incidents. Diane suppressed a giggle over the radio with Dispatch. “Do you know if the assailant is still at the scene?”

Diane's regular partner, Mike, was out sick, and I was still on swing with no regular partner or station. I hadn't worked with Diane much before, so I was happy to note she had a sense of humour. Nothing worse than working with someone too serious. Diane was one of those medics you can tell really loved Girl Guides and Cadets and anything requiring team spirit and leadership training and uniforms. Possibly a closet Dungeons and Dragons player; definitely walked old ladies across the street. What we called a Super-Medic. I couldn't picture her burning out, ever. Eighty percent of surviving the job is your partner. You wind up with someone boring as shit, who can't laugh at the ridiculousness, then you're screwed.

Have fun saving lives today
,
Amy had said, before kissing me over the lip of the window of our car. She stood and waved, chewing on a curl of red hair, in the driveway of her parents' house. Amy is such a visual person, it's like she stages those flashback memories in advance.

I had spent the afternoon in her parents' North York mansion for their thirtieth wedding anniversary. My mom's entire apartment could fit inside the carpeted parameters of the O'Hara family room. When Amy wanted to show me to her old bedroom, I swear we had to take the subway to get there. It's probably not possible for us to have been raised more differently than we were. Perhaps if one of us were raised by a cult, or a wolf pack or something. But in urban Canada, we were pretty much on opposite ends of things.

I was trying not to betray signs of obvious discomfort while slumped in a fern green armchair. I spit mouthfuls of smoked duck pâté into thick red cotton napkins and feigned good-natured nonchalance. Three hours and forty-five minutes of forced conversation passed — not boring, exactly, but I was restless.

I slipped out to the deck for a cigarette and was welcomed warmly by Amy's great-aunt Noreen, a plump lady in a loud purple fake-fur coat and matching hat. She was sitting on a wicker bench with a cigarette in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, and a very small dog in her lap that she introduced as Kitty Queen of All. I recognized Noreen immediately as the aging artist of the brood. Amy had told me she was a sculptor.

“So, you're the boyfriend, eh? Do you ever get to the casino?”

“Not much,” I said, “though I'm told I'm quite lucky. I won five hundred bucks once.” It's true I tended to win things whenever I gambled.

“Really, you'll have to come with me, then. Want to go now?”

“I've got to work, actually. And there's, you know, the dinner and everything.”

“Yes, celebrating a marriage. How novel,” Noreen said, inhaling.

I immediately loved her and her casual disdain for said rituals, her emphatic arm motions. Kitty Queen of All jumped into my lap. Noreen and I finished our cigarettes in silence, staring out at the garden in the expansive O'Hara backyard.

I hadn't spent much time with Amy's family all at once. Her mother and I knew each other well, since she and Amy were close and I'd been with Amy since 2001. We'd managed to avoid most large family gatherings because I usually work on Christmas and holidays. Sometimes we made Amy's mom brunch on Sundays if the two of them were going to go shopping in the afternoon or something like that. Amy's dad was a workaholic, so he basically just nodded at me from the front of the car whenever he picked up Amy's mom. But this was the first official family affair, and, well, I was pretty nervous.

When we arrived, Amy's mom had hugged me for about five minutes. She smelled like a vegetable garden. Fresh and wholesome. Her skin didn't betray her age but she didn't look like she'd had work done. She was kind of a miracle that way. She went to the fridge to offer me a small green bottle of Heineken, and gave me a thumbs-up sign after she handed it to me. I knew she'd bought them just for me, and I was touched by her thoughtfulness
.
Amy's father kept shaking my hand. It was like he kept meeting me all day for the first time. I could tell he didn't quite know what to make of me.

During dinner, Noreen winked at me from across the table and said, “This one's a keeper, Amy. No bullshit, this one. He's lucky. He's a lucky one. We're going to go to the casino together.”

Amy's mother sighed. Amy's dad mumbled, “Why don't you just throw your money straight into the garbage, Noreen.”

Noreen spoke mostly to Kitty Queen of All for the rest of the meal.

After a second cup of coffee, I got up to leave. “Well, thanks for the fantastic meal, Karen, and happy anniversary.”

“Shame you couldn't stay longer, Josh.”

“Yes, well, I have to go to work, unfortunately. Thanks so much, everyone.” Those last four words sounded stilted, like individual sentences.

Amy walked me to the door, well aware of my plan to ditch the festivities before dessert for an evening shift I only pretended to be annoyed by. It was Labour Day, and that meant triple time.

I'd been working for Toronto
EMS
for just over two years. Amy and I had been together almost five. We first met when I was lying on my friend Roxy's couch in a medicated fog after chest surgery and Amy had nodded at me from across the room, where she was playing video games. Roxy's apartment at the time had only one room.

I thought I was imagining Amy. She looked exaggeratedly tall from where I lay, and her red hair fell in curls to just below her shoulders, kind of wisping off her face in that retro '70s way, a trend spurred by the
Charlie's Angels
remake.

On my nineteenth birthday a few days later, Amy brought me a pudding cup and a birthday balloon with streamers. She made me get up and walk outside. It was so quick, like getting shot, how we fell in love. I felt like you do when you're eight and a girl walks up to you in the playground and says, “You're mine.” And you're kind of excited, but terrified, and glad she made the first move.

Getting comfortable with her extended family was a slow process. I'm very shy. I hate how shy I am, but you know what? Eventually you just have to accept who you are. I'm the shy guy. I don't get freaked out about it any more.

I was not shy at work, at all. I could look at your exposed tendons and then right into your eyes and tell you straight how things were. It was really only high-pressure social situations that got to me. Like today. I looked at the ground. I ate too fast and got a stomach ache. I'd been one of those kids who always had a stomach ache. I felt eight all day. But Amy looked beautiful.

“Baby, are you okay? Do you feel weird?” Amy had whispered to me as we stood by the front window in the living room of her parents' home. There was a blush in her cheeks, like she was kind of embarrassed by her family.

“No, I'm good. Your people are crazy nuts. I love them.”

There was something incredibly moving about witnessing the person you love interact with their whole family. The project of determining similar features, the language they have for things, turns of phrase. Things you thought were only theirs turned out to be derived from generations of relatives sharing movement and intonation.

Amy and her mother had posed for the photographer, trying to make everyone else hold still and smile, looking nearly identical and as if they actually loved each other. As generations of Amy moved around the room, I was certain I'd never know anyone as well as I knew her.

Out of all the extended family, only Amy's mother knew the truth about me. To everyone else, I passed fine. It never came up any more. After years of hormones, surgery, I couldn't remember the last time anyone had questioned who I was.

Amy used to hate it, not being able to qualify
this is my boyfriend
with
he's trans
, especially with her queer friends, so she wouldn't seem like an ordinary straight girl. Amy was a little concerned sometimes that she was too conventional. I didn't really get it — I liked to blend, plus I thought she was like a fucking star in every room she walked into. But it was my life, and she got that. I guess I felt a similar way with friends who liked to introduce me with
This is Josh. He's a paramedic
. I had to tell people to stop doing it; it was my card to play. Because inevitably, you immediately got,
Wow, what's your craziest story? I could never do that!
But I doubt they really wanted to hear about the woman who jumped off her building last night, especially when all of us were sitting at the bar having a good time. But I got it. It was a weird job. I just didn't like to immediately be questioned about it.

Being trans rarely came up as a topic any more, because like everyone, Amy and I were complicated people with many challenges, and as Amy put it, “special gifts to offer the universe.” Now we laughed about the ridiculous arguments over identity we used to have. But meeting all of Amy's family — I felt the familiar anxiety. I was relieved once I'd settled in and no one seemed to notice or care.

It was raining, and the sky was the colour of newly dead skin — a real Vancouver-like day. The kind of weather Torontonians felt really inconvenienced by but that reminded me of my childhood out West. I had huge memory gaps about most of the '80s, until I moved in with my grandmother, but things occasionally came back in waves. The weather reminded me of the month of December in 1988 that my mother, sister, and I spent in a shelter in Vancouver. A particularly un-stellar snapshot in the Lawlor family album. Judy had finally left Nick. I called her Judy because she was always the kind of mom who wanted to be a friend first and a mom second, and that really didn't ever make things much easier, but anyway, Judy finally left Nick, a.k.a. my father, who similarly hated any kind of parental moniker, when I was seven. Nick didn't relish the idea of being a husband or father, but very much enjoyed alcohol,
CCR,
and model trains. His three things.

I don't know where we were — somewhere near Kitsilano Beach, I think. In a house with a lot of beige carpeting, the kind that looks like overcooked oatmeal and feels scratchy like patches of old dog hair. The house was full of strange women and their confused kids. On Christmas Day, a lot of people cried. They would continue to have conversations about the cranberry sauce or who should set the table, all the while sobbing as though it were totally normal.

I remembered only flashes, certain objects and bits of scenery. That I had to share a bed with Judy and Heather, my ten-year-old sister, and eventually gave up the fight for space and slept on the floor. I kept expecting my dog, Smokey, to nudge me with his wet nose and curl up around me, but of course, he was at home with Nick, who had probably left him out all night. After we left Nick, I became more obsessed with the idea of finding Smokey than I was with seeing my father.

On Christmas Day Heather got the “For a Boy” present — trucks — because of her unfortunate bowl-cut, and I was grateful to exchange mine with hers. Heather grew into an adult who wore stilettos to the grocery store and acrylic nails with palm trees on them. You could tell when she was a kid that she'd turn out like that: she'd walk down the hall in Judy's only pair of semi-pumps and insist we call her Princess Heather the Magnificent.

Judy insisted on keeping my hair long in two braids, until I finally cut off the braids with my Snoopy scissors in the bathroom at school in second grade. It took a long time, but eventually I was able to flush each stringy twisted braid and I emerged victorious on the playground with uneven strands of dirty blonde.

So that Christmas, Princess Heather gave me trucks in exchange for my generic plastic baby doll. I can still see the trucks in their package, green and orange. I ran them along the floor between the feet of strangers, most of whom sobbed gently into Boxing Day. It was jarring to not spend the twenty-sixth with Nick, lining up to buy cassettes at Sam the Record Man.

I hadn't spoken to my dad since I was thirteen. Talk-show and self-help culture might insist I had some overwhelming find-my-father obsession. I didn't. That's how it was in the movies, you know, the kid with the quest. I had no such quest. My sister occasionally talked to him, mostly for guilt-money, but not me. I considered it a gift, being able to decide exactly who I wanted around.

You only have one life
, my mother said.
Exactly my point
, was my response. Judy was convinced my seventh Christmas and ensuing traumas directly contributed to me being a paramedic. She used to insist I could have been a doctor, I was so smart, and that she'd failed me somehow, not giving me the self-confidence to go to med school. But I was happy not to stay in school for a decade and graduate owing the government fifty-thousand dollars in loans. My job was steady, and I got ample vacation time and experienced consistently inconsistent adventures on each shift.
Baby, I'm so proud of you
, my mom would say into the phone
from her ugly grey house in Sault Ste. Marie. I never knew what to reply when she said that. It made me wish she could live closer, that we could have more of a relationship.