Holding On To You (13 page)

'Disillusioned', River says, correcting her.

Maddy's mouth drops open in shock.

'And anyway, I'm not', River goes on, before Maddy has a chance to explode. 'I'm thirsty and my beer is getting warm. That's all.'

'So drink it', Maddy barks at him. 'I'm not stopping you.'

'I don't like to drink alone', River says.

'And you think I'm difficult?' Maddy says, leaning back in her chair now.

'I'm being sociable and well mannered. I want to share this experience with you', River says. 'It's good to share things.'

'Like someone else's money?'

'I've already told you how I feel about that', River says.

'So why did you take it in the first place? You don't think that's hypocritical?'

'I'm not going to bear a grudge if someone takes it from me, but I'm not going to give it to them either. Just because I reckon money doesn't have an owner, it doesn't mean I'm going to toss it away like a pile of trash. Think of it like a cat, you don't own a cat, a cat owns itself, but that doesn't mean you don't feed it, look after it and take pleasure from it. And if you do all those things, why the hell would you throw it away?'

'And what happens if someone steals it?' Maddy says.

'Then maybe I'd try and steal it back.'

'You're full of bullshit', Maddy says. 'Money is nothing like a cat at all. I reckon if you'd worked hard all of your life and saved money and then someone came in and stole it all from you, you'd be pretty pissed off.'

'What would they be stealing though? My money, or the work I'd done to get it?' River says, philosophically.

'Both', Maddy says.

'So what does that tell you?' River says.

'It tells me that you'd deserve it', Maddy says, without thinking.

'Yeah well maybe you're right.' River says. 'Look, can we drink now? We can talk about what I do and don't deserve afterwards.'

Maddy looks from the beer up to River and then back to the beer.

'One beer', she says, 'and you'll leave me alone?'

'One beer', River agrees.

He lifts up the bottle so they can clink them together, but Maddy doesn't respond.

'Oh come on', River says, 'Something you can tell your grandchildren. The day you shared a beer with a famous bank robber.'

Finally Maddy lifts up her bottle and they clink them together. River drains half of his in one gulp, and Maddy sips hers gently.

'Damn that's good', River says. 'Isn't that good? The first beer always tastes the finest. God damn.'

'It's nothing to be proud of', Maddy says after a while.

'What isn't?'

'Being a bank robber.'

'Why not be proud of something that you're good at?' River says, twisting his bottle around on the table.

'Because you're hurting people. What you're doing is wrong', Maddy says without looking at him.

'People get hurt everyday, Maddy, I can't control that.'

'Someone died this morning. Someone got killed.'

'I didn't pull the trigger.'

'You shot the gun out of his hand. You virtually signed his death warrant. He'd still be alive if you weren't there in the first place', Maddy says, now looking directly at him. 

'He'd still be alive if he didn't try and stop us. I can control my decisions, I can't control his', River says.

'That's not an excuse', Maddy says.

'Yeah well, it's an explanation.'

'It's not a justification for what you do.'

'You make it sound like I put the bullet there myself', River says.

'You might as well have done', Maddy says.

'I rob banks Madeleine, I don't kill people. I take money that's insured, so the only people who lose out are the insurance companies. I then put that money back into the economy as quickly as I can.'

'While insurance premiums go up, and people happen to get killed around you. You make yourself sound like a modern day Robin Hood, when you're nothing better than a two-bit criminal, on the run from the police. Soon enough your time will run out.'

'At least I like what I do', River says.

'You like it, or you don't know how to do anything else?'

'You don't know anything about me Madeleine Parker', River says.

Maddy has been angrily guzzling her beer and now she's surprised to see she's almost finished it.

'And what do you know about me?' she says.

'I know that the people that you work with don't like you, I know your family have pretty much disinherited you, giving you money where they can't give you love, and I know that you're worth a god damn fortune. I also know that you look beautiful, both with black hair and blonde, and that you're sexually frustrated.'

'I'm sorry, what?' Maddy says.

'Tearing a label off a beer bottle is a sure fire sign of sexual frustration', River says, 'and you've practically turned yours into dust.'

Maddy looks embarrassingly at the pile of torn paper in front of her.

'It's a habit', Maddy says.

'I don't reckon it is when you don't regularly drink beer.'

'It's because I'm hungry', Maddy says.

'You want to know what else I know about you?' River says, leaning forward now.

'What?'

'I think you're enjoying yourself.'

'You have got to be kidding me', Maddy says, shocked. 

'I aint kidding you', River says. 'I reckon you're enjoying yourself, and you're too scared to admit it.'

'You know what I know about you?' Maddy says, switching the conversation around.

'What do you know about me?'

'I know you're lonely', Maddy says.

'And how do you figure that?'

'It's written all over you. You act like you don't care, but it's a defence mechanism. I reckon you're doing this because you need a friend.'

'Taking you hostage?'

'Yes', Maddy says. Now her beer
is
empty, and with no label to peel off either, and desperate to do something with her hands, she begins to twist the bottle around like River has been doing, making patterns on the table top.

'What else have you figured out?' River asks, watching her closely.

'That you've got problems.'

'Problems?' River says, almost laughing.

'Yes, problems', Maddy reiterates. 'You don't know what you're doing with your life.'

'That's a problem?' River asks.

'It is if you don't admit it', Maddy says.

'Why would you need a destination, if the fun happens on the journey?' River reasons.

'Because everybody's got to end up somewhere', Maddy says.

'I think
you
need a destination, but you and I are different people, Maddy. I go where the wind blows and where the money takes me.'

'You don't have any responsibilities?' Maddy says.

'I don't need them', River says. 'I like having my freedom.'

'And where has having your freedom brought you?'

'Right to the very edge, and I'm still going', River says smiling. 'Like a feather in the wind.'

'But for how long?'

'For as long as I need to.'

River guzzles down the last few drops of his beer. His stomach is growling, and he can't wait to eat.

'It isn't very fast for fast food', Maddy says.

'You know you can be funny when you make an effort', River says.

Just then, the waitress comes over with their order. The burgers are massive, and would be enough alone without the rest of the side dishes. The dirty fries are a stack of fries, pulled pork, blue cheese, cheddar, jalapeño peppers and minced beef, all moulded together into the shape of a mountain, and there are so many onion rings, they can barely fit on the plate.

'Can I get you folks anything else?' the faultlessly cheery waitress says.

'You can get me another beer', River says.

'Two?' the waitress says, looking at Maddy. She nods her head and the waitress smiles.

'Just one beer?' River asks her, when the waitress has gone.

'I'm thirsty', Maddy says, by way of an explanation, her water there in front of her, but still untouched.

Their table is full of so much food, River doesn't know where to start. His eyes have lit up like the lights on a Christmas tree. Eventually he lifts his gigantic burger to his mouth, careful not to drop too much on the way, and takes a bite so big, he can't help but cover his face in guacamole and barbecue sauce. It is quite simply the best burger he has ever tasted.

'Oh my god', he says, with his mouth full and his eyes closed. 'That's incredible. Oh my god, Maddy, you have to try this. You're going to love it.'

The waitress comes back with the beers. She laughs at River's enthusiasm, and tells him to slow down in case he chokes. The burger in front of Maddy looks more enormous than anything she's ever seen in her life. The last time she ate food like this was over ten years ago, and so long ago now that the memory in her head has become a little bit muddled. Although she remembers the meal, she doesn't remember if she liked it or not.

'Its not going to eat itself Maddy', River says.

'You promised me you wouldn't call me that.'

'Look, I know you're hungry. Just take a bite. If you don't like it, don't eat it, but I bet you dinner tomorrow that you will.'

'Dinner tomorrow?' Maddy says. 'What makes you think that the police won't have caught you by then?'

'Because I'm an optimist', River says.

'If I eat it, will you let me choose?' Maddy asks.

'If you eat it, I'll even let you pay', River says and takes a swig of his beer.

'I think I am anyway', Maddy says.

'Come on, I worked for it too.'

Maddy looks at the burger again. She looks at it from the top and from the side, and then carefully removes the bun top, and looks at the contents inside. She picks up her fork, pushes the burger around the plate, picks up her knife, and tries to work out the best way to attack it.

'You want some advice?' River says.

'Don't worry, I'm doing it, Maddy says. 'I'm going to try it. Just don't blame me if it makes me irritable.'

'I don't reckon there's much farther to go in that department', River says and Maddy glares at him.

'Look, just pick it up. Don't worry about making a mess. Just pick it up, get as much of it into your mouth as possible, forget about all of your hang ups and your worries and your idiosyncrasies, and just enjoy it. If it spills, clean it. If you get it on your T-shirt, wash it. Just don't forget to enjoy it, you never know when you'll get the same pleasure again.'

'I know how to eat', Maddy says.

'I don't reckon you do', River says. 'You're looking at that burger like a detective examining a crime scene. You want me to help you out?'

'No', Maddy says. 'I'll do it, just give me time.'

While Maddy literally gets to grips with her burger, River ploughs into the mound of fries, watching this strange performance take place in front of him, the burger seemingly as alien to Maddy, as an alien would be to everyone else. Eventually she gets her hands underneath the bun, and expertly manages to get it to her mouth, without losing too much of the contents. She takes a small bite, chews, swallows, takes another, does the same, takes a third, a forth and a fifth, and doesn't stop going until more than half of the burger has gone, and she eventually has to put it down to rest both her arms and her mouth. She takes a swig of beer, cleans an already clean set of lips with a napkin, and smiles at River. The almond flecks in her eyes even sparkle.

'It's nice', Maddy says, before continuing her feast, eating until the whole burger has almost entirely gone.

'Bread and meat?' River says, when eventually she looks like she's done. Maddy can't remember ever eating a better meal.

'Bread and meat', Maddy says. 'I think the secret is in the sauce.'

She laughs, and River laughs with her. Her second beer is almost empty, and she feels quite light headed. She doesn't drink often, and whenever she does, she's careful to control her intake, careful never to lose control. She can feel that control slipping away a little now, and instead of being scared of it, like she expected herself always to be when it finally confronted her, it actually feels like quite a relief.

There's still a mountain of food in front of them, and the onion rings look like they've barely been dented, but both River and Maddy are sated now, and can't possibly eat anymore. The waitress comes over to clean the table and asks them if they'd like anything else, to which they both shake their heads, and laugh, stunned that she would think they could fit anything else in.

'I've got to ask you', she says. 'You'd be surprised how much folks eat in here, and then pile in a tonne of ice-cream afterwards, like it goes into a second stomach.'