Holding On (4 page)

“I wouldn’t say I knew. I was too busy trying to convince myself that I was paranoid.” Marienne heard the teakettle starting to whistle and got up to get it.

“So what confirmed it?”

Marienne carried the kettle to the table, holding two mugs in her other hand. “I was going through his stuff after he died and I found a brand new box of condoms. We hadn’t used condoms in years.”

“Oh.” Lynn opened her teabag and plopped it into her cup.

“Then I looked on his computer and found a slew of Instant Messages, all from his mistress, all about sex.”

“Oh my God.” Lynn’s eyes bugged.

“Yeah, not my best day.” Marienne passed her the sugar. “But in the end it all worked out. If I hadn’t found out, I might not have let myself get involved with Daniel. Once I knew, it helped me get past the grieving. Not to mention that it was a reality check for what our relationship had really meant. But what’s all this got to do with you and Mitch?”

“I think he’s up to something.” Her voice got shaky again and she reached for a second cookie.

Marienne stirred her tea. “Why?”

“He’s been acting weird. All secretive. So I started snooping, and I found tons of porn.” She lowered her voice on the last word.

“Don’t worry. The girls can’t hear you. Our bedroom’s on the other end of the house, and Daniel hasn’t even come back down yet.” No sooner did she finish her sentence than she could hear Daniel trotting down the stairs. She heard him walk into his office and turn on his computer. “Okay, he’ll be working, and the girls are watching a movie. Go ahead. And, might I add, lots of men have a porn collection, that doesn’t mean anything.”

****

Daniel wanted a cup of tea. He had tons of reading to do and needed something to keep him awake.
Why is it that when it’s the middle of the night I can’t sleep but when it’s midday and I have work to do I can’t keep my eyes open?
He opened his office door quietly, he knew Lynn had come over upset about something and he didn’t want to intrude if they were in the middle of a conversation. He listened closely and immediately heard the word ‘porn’. His interest piqued.

“I’m not talking about a few magazines or videos.” Lynn’s voice was hushed but shrill. “I mean tons of porn. Really nasty stuff. And then the other night I woke up and he wasn’t in bed. I went downstairs to see if he was okay and he was sitting at the kitchen table, with his laptop, whacking off.”

Daniel decided he was definitely not going into the kitchen now. He didn’t want to go into Lynn’s kitchen ever again either.
At the kitchen table?

Lynn continued. “I mean, I’m not stupid, I know guys do stuff like that, but in the kitchen? There aren’t even blinds on the window. And what if Rebecca had come downstairs instead of me?”

Excellent point.
Though the visual was still more than Daniel had needed.

“What did you do?” Marienne asked.

Smart. Just keep her talking.
He could imagine the wheels turning in Marienne’s head.
Is she going to tell Lynn the things she’s seen me do?
His cheeks burned at the thought. He listened harder.

“I didn’t do anything.” Lynn sounded on the verge of tears. “I didn’t want to start a fight in the middle of the night. But I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen either. I don’t know what to do.”

“You should talk to him,” Marienne said.

“And say what? I know what you do in the kitchen at three in the morning?”

“Well, that’s one option. Or you could try to be less confrontational and start a conversation about sex.”

“Mitch likes to have sex, not talk about it. As soon as the topic comes up he either wants to do it or talk about something else. Probably because he’s busy thinking about his next pantry porn session. For all I know he’s got his own website. Midnight porn star—Mitch in the Kitchen.”

Daniel started coughing and clamped his hand over his mouth.
Dammit.
He jiggled his office door handle as if he’d just opened it and walked toward the kitchen. He cleared his throat on his way. “Sorry ladies, just need some tea. Still not quite over that flu.” He grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and busied himself getting a tea bag. He didn’t want to make eye contact with either of them.

“What movie did the girls decide to watch?” Marienne asked.

“Peter Pan.” Daniel filled his mug and walked past the table. He took three cookies. “I’ll leave you two alone now.”

Marienne smiled a thank you at him. He headed into his office but didn’t close the door this time. They started talking again. He knew he shouldn’t listen but he couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry,” Lynn said. “You must think I’m an awful friend, coming over here and whining about Mitch. I haven’t even asked how you’re feeling. Is everything going well?”

“So far.”

He heard her knock on the table.

“That’s great. Though I bet the last thing you want to think about is sex. You must be ready to buy Daniel his own porn collection. I remember wanting nothing to do with sex the whole time I was carrying Rebecca.”

Daniel smiled.
That’s certainly not the case for Marienne.

“Actually,” Marienne said. “I felt like that when I was pregnant with Ella. I didn’t want anything to do with sex. This time is totally different.”

I didn’t know that.
He remembered how Frank had complained that they hadn’t had sex for months, but he’d assumed it was because she had placenta previa. He had no idea she hadn’t wanted to have sex.

“Really?” Lynn sounded surprised. “So you two are still….”

“As often as possible.”

“That’s amazing.”

“Having Daniel in my life has made everything amazing. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Daniel couldn’t keep the grin off his face. He got up and quietly closed his office door. He’d heard everything he could possibly want to hear.

****

Daniel flipped through his mail and withdrew a pale green square envelope. He opened it to reveal a gold-trimmed card. “Please join us for a celebration in honor of Arnold Jenkins’ 60
^th
Birthday.”

Arnold had been his advisor all through graduate school and had remained a close friend. He’d taken a job at Dartmouth shortly before Daniel had completed his degree—they hadn’t seen one another in over six years.

The party was in late October. Daniel Googled Hanover, New Hampshire and clicked on a few sites, then typed in the names of the Inns listed on the invitation. They looked quaint and charming. Arnold had told him how beautiful it was in New Hampshire and how much he loved the university. Daniel had often thought of going up for a visit.

He went in search of Marienne and found her in the laundry room, folding Ella’s clothes. From the side he could see the graceful swell of her belly, a sight that thrilled him more than he could believe. He stood and watched her until she turned and saw him.

“What are you doing?” Her brow crinkled.

“Spying on my lovely wife.” He walked up to her and ran his hand across her tummy. She leaned her head on him and rested her hand atop his. “Are you feeling well enough to take a little trip in a few weeks?”

“A trip where?” she asked.

“New Hampshire. Arnold Jenkins is having a 60
^th
birthday party, and we’re invited. If you’re not up to it, it’s not a big deal.”

“I feel fine. But we’d have to find someone to watch Ella. I could ask Frank’s mother if she’s available. I’m sure Ella would love to spend the weekend at her grandma’s house.”

Daniel hadn’t expected her to say yes. “All right. Ask Ruth if the third weekend in October is okay.”

“I’ll call her after dinner.” Marienne folded the last pair of leggings and placed them in the laundry basket. She grabbed the handles but Daniel took it out of her hands. “I’ll carry it upstairs.”

Marienne sighed.

He knew she didn’t like him doing things for her, but he didn’t want her doing any more work than necessary. “You know I’ll take any opportunity to have you follow me upstairs…”

****

Ruth was overjoyed at the prospect of having Ella for an entire weekend, just as Marienne had expected. Ever since Frank had died, Ruth had been extra grateful whenever Marienne invited her to spend time with Ella. She seemed to think that somehow she’d lose Ella like she’d lost her son.

Marienne was not about to let that happen. She still considered Ruth to be family, and Ella absolutely adored her. Ruth was the only grandmother she’d ever known. Daniel’s mother had passed away over a decade ago, and Marienne’s mother was not appropriate grandmother material—it had been almost two years since Marienne had even been in contact with her, a fact which Marienne had no intention of modifying.

She poked her head into Daniel’s office. “We are officially kid-free for the third weekend in October. Well, I guess not entirely.” She rubbed her belly. “We’ll be bringing the baby.”

Daniel grinned.

“Where exactly will we be going?”

Daniel motioned her over to his computer as he clicked on his mouse. The Trumbull Hill Inn popped onto the screen.

Marienne leaned on his shoulders as she studied the pictures. “That looks great.” She kissed the back of his head.

“I’ll call and see what they have available. It’s about seven hours by car. Do you think you’re up for that? I could look into flights.”

“I’ll be fine. Unless you think you’d rather fly.” She ran her hands across his shoulders and he leaned his head back against her chest.

“I can’t think at all when you’re touching me.” He spun his desk chair around and pulled her onto his lap.

“Is there really a birthday party or are you just trying to lure me away for a weekend?”

Daniel kissed her. “The party’s real.” He handed her the invitation. “Having you all to myself for an entire weekend is just a bonus.”

Marienne turned the invitation over. “There’s an email address for the RSVP. Let’s make it official. That’s leaf season, I bet the rooms will be filling up fast.”

“Leaf season?”

“Yes, people drive up north just to look at the leaves. We used to drive up to the Berkshires in Massachusetts when I was growing up. New England in the fall is gorgeous.”

****

Daniel was glad to see Marienne so excited about the trip. She couldn’t stop yawning so she went up to bed, leaving Daniel to make the reservations. Instead of taking one of the standard rooms, he reserved the guest cottage. He wanted their getaway to be as special as possible.

He had decided not to mention to Marienne that Arnold had been calling a lot over the past few months. Daniel knew he was feeling him out about taking a position at Dartmouth. Two of the older professors on staff were coming up on retirement, and Arnold seemed to be pushing for Daniel to consider stepping into one of their spots.

Initially he’d thought the idea was ludicrous, but the recent changes at NYU coupled with the fact that Marienne was pregnant had made him reconsider. He’d never enjoyed commuting into New York City, and being that far away from home all day seemed more problematic now that there could be a reason for him to have to be home in a hurry.

He loved the city, but a college with an actual campus was tempting. He’d practically grown up on the campus at Oxford—his mother worked in the admissions office and they’d lived blocks away. The thought of living in a college town again definitely had its appeal. He wondered what they’d think of it when they visited. He clicked through the images on the Dartmouth website.

It certainly looks lovely. Guess we’ll see in a few weeks.

Chapter Four

Daniel glanced over at Marienne as they drove. He’d never seen her look lovelier. Her cheeks had a rosy glow, and her dark hair was even thicker and shinier than usual. She looked completely content. He remembered how sickly she’d been when she was pregnant with Ella and couldn’t believe how different everything was this time.

“They say some people’s DNA is more compatible,” she’d told him. He’d laughed, but it had made him happy to hear. He liked the idea that it was the fact that it was his child growing inside her that was making this pregnancy go smoother. He wanted a baby with her more than he’d ever wanted anything else, but not at the expense of making her sick. He couldn’t stand the thought of causing her pain, no matter what the reason.

She caught him looking at her. “What are you thinking?” she asked.

He tried to keep his eyes on the road, but reached down and picked up her hand. Her fingers slipped between his, linking them together. “I was just thinking how beautiful you are.”

She furrowed her brow, and he couldn’t help but laugh. “Why is that so hard to believe? I always think you’re beautiful, but to risk sounding cliché, you’re glowing.”

“I am not,” she said, her cheeks turning even rosier. He loved that she still blushed when he complimented her, just as she had when they first met.

“Okay, you’re not. Maybe I’m just oddly attracted to women who are carrying my child.”

She smiled. “Your child is getting big.” She shifted and placed his hand on her tummy. “People at this party are going to think you have a very fat wife.”