Holding On (37 page)

Marienne kissed him, her hand massaging the back of his neck. He kept his forehead pressed to hers. “I’ll see you soon.”

****

Daniel watched her walk down the corridor then took a seat next to Roger’s bed. He took a deep breath then reached into his backpack and withdrew the yellow envelope. “I brought you something.” He scanned Roger’s face for any hint of a reaction. “I thought maybe you’d like to hear the words of someone we both loved very much.” He opened the first envelope and began to read.

Chapter Fifty-Two

As Daniel read the letters aloud, his mother’s words painted the image of her feelings, her hopes. It was as if she were in the room introducing him to Roger.

He read each letter, pausing in between to stretch or grab a soda from the vending machine. Marienne had called. She and the kids were home, safe and sound. Arnold had arranged for someone to cover Daniel’s Monday class. Everything was under control.

When he was down to the last few letters, the nurse came to tell him that visiting hours were over.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just want to read these last two, if that’s all right.”

She frowned then caught the look in his eyes. “Okay,” she said. “I don’t see you….”

She drew the curtain behind Daniel and headed out of the room.

“Where were we….” he said.

My Dearest Roger,

This weekend with you was the happiest two days of my life. I wish we could have frozen time and stayed like that for all eternity. I’m wearing your sweater, just so I can breathe you in and pretend you’re still wrapped around me. I long for the day when we can be together, always. I want to cook you breakfast every morning and curl up in bed beside you every night. Nothing would make me happier than sharing the rest of my life with you. Just the two of us. Forever. There’s nothing more I could ever want. I’m counting the seconds until I can see you again. Missing you is my least favorite part of every day.

All my love to you,

E

It made Daniel sad to think that his conception was what tore Roger and Elizabeth apart. Had it stayed just the two of them they’d have had a chance at happiness. His chest ached at the thought. He’d brought so much sadness into Roger’s life, thirty years ago when Elizabeth broke his heart and again these past few months.

“I’m sorry,” he said to Roger’s still figure. “I’m so sorry you didn’t get to share your life with her. It’s clear how much she loved you and I can see now that you loved her. I wish I could change history and give you both more time together. I wish.” Daniel’s voice caught. “I wish I’d had the chance to have you as a father.”

He slumped against the chair, exhausted.

****

Daniel awoke, his neck stiff, sunlight causing him to squint. As his eyes focused he realized Roger was staring right at him. Daniel bolted upright. “You’re awake.”

Roger gave a weak smile. “So it seems.”

“Are you all right? Should I call a nurse?”

“A doctor came and checked me out. Said they’ll have to run some tests on me in a bit. I told them I wanted to talk to you first but I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Didn’t want to….” Daniel shook his head.

Roger shifted, gesturing to the envelopes spread across the side of his bed. “What’s all this?”

Daniel took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. “This is our past. I read them all. I’ve been a total prick, and I’m sorry.”

“You were just being loyal to your mum. You loved her.”

“So did you.”

Roger nodded. “That I did. Very much.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to believe it.”

A nurse strode into the room, yanking the curtain to the side. An orderly came in behind her, wheeling a gurney. “Okay Mr. Cromwell, I can see you’ve had a chance to say hello to your son, now let’s get you upstairs for your scans, make sure everything’s working okay.”

“Of course.” Roger, tried to pull himself up in the bed, but he faltered.

Daniel reached out and held his arm, helping him. Roger’s eyes met his, moist and full of gratitude. “Will you be here when I get back?”

“Absolutely.”

****

Marienne stirred butter and cinnamon sugar into a pot of Cream of Wheat. The ringing phone startled her and she grabbed it the second she read Daniel’s number on caller ID. “How are you?”

“He’s awake.” His voice sounded bright and cheery.

Marienne breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank God. Is he okay? Were you able to talk to him?”

“They’ve taken him for tests, but he was talking and coherent, just a bit weak.”

“I’m so relieved.” She cradled the phone against her shoulder as she ladled the warm cereal into the kids’ bowls.

“I’m glad you were able to get to the hospital to talk to him before they took him for his tests.” She blew on a spoonful to cool it for Drew.

“I was already here. I spent the night.”

“You did?”

“I spent all day yesterday reading him my mother’s letters, and I guess I dozed off. When I woke up he was looking right at me.”

Marienne’s heart swelled. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re strong and wonderful.” She wished she could give him a hug.

“I’m tired and in need of a shave, that’s what I am.”

“I like you with the stubble look.”

“Oh you do, eh? Noted.” She could hear the smirk in his voice. She wanted him home.

****

Daniel went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face, raking his hair back while his hands were still damp. He headed to the nurses’ station and asked if they knew when the doctor might be in. He needed to find out what the long-term care plans were for Roger. It had been a long time since he’d had to think about caring for someone other than Marienne and the kids. He realized he was worried about Roger’s well-being.

It felt odd, but right.

Roger was propped up in bed with a tray of liquid food before him. Jello. Broth. Tea.

“That does not look appetizing,” Daniel said, sitting back down.

“No it does not. They said it will be a few days before I can attempt normal food.”

“Did they mention when you’ll be allowed to leave?”

“No. They’ve suggested a rehabilitation center in Shrewsbury. Seems I did rather a good job on my hip when I fell. They said I’ll likely need to be there a month or so. If I could convince them to give me my laptop I could be rearranging my flight and taking care of my appointments.”

Daniel rubbed his palms against his knees. “I could take care of some of that for you. If you’d like.”

Roger’s eyebrows arched. “I couldn’t ask that. You’re already missing work. I know you’re busy.”

“Yes, but I can manage some calls and some emailing.”

Roger paused, as though he was trying to assess whether or not the offer was just politeness.

“Let me help,” Daniel said. “I owe you at least that.”

****

Daniel spoke with the doctor and found out the name of the rehab facility. He told Roger he’d come visit the following weekend. He also managed to send out his correspondence and read him several e-mails. Roger seemed stunned but grateful. Daniel was glad to be able to help. Getting into the rental car his thoughts shifted to Marienne.

I just want to go home.

Chapter Fifty-Three

“Daddy!” Ella yelled the moment Daniel stepped into the house. Within an instant she was in his arms. “I missed you.” She squeezed him.

Daniel inhaled the strawberry scent of her hair. “I missed you too, sweet girl.”

He could hear Marienne trotting down the stairs saying, “Daddy’s here.”

She rounded the corner, Drew perched on her hip babbling “Dadadadada.” For the first time in as long as he could remember he truly felt like he was home.

Daniel let the sights and sounds of the house surround him. Dinner simmered on the stove. The familiar scents of garlic roasting and baking bread filled the air. He relaxed into all of it, taking it all in, thankful for every nuance. From Drew giggling to Ella dancing to each gentle smile from Marienne, it all felt like precious gifts.

They ate together, talking and making jokes until it was time for the kids to go to bed.

“Daddy, will you read to me tonight?” Ella looked up at him, her round eyes hopeful.

“Nothing would make me happier.” He threw Marienne a smirk and she smiled back, eyes twinkling.

Daniel headed upstairs with Ella and settled her into bed. They finished two Dr. Seuss books then he kissed the top of her head.

“I’m glad you’re home, Daddy.”

“So am I.”

“Is Mr. Roger going to be okay?”

“Yes, sweet girl, he’s going to be fine.” Daniel studied her face. She looked pensive. “You know, he’s actually your grandfather. I imagine he’d be quite pleased if you started calling him Grandpa instead of Mr. Roger.”

Ella’s eyes brightened. “Really? I’d like to have a grandpa.”

“Well you do. And he’s very fond of you.”

****

Marienne settled Drew into his crib and got ready for bed, more than a little anxious for some alone time with Daniel. They’d made up in Boston, but everything was still so strained with Roger being ill, she was ready for them to have some time to focus just on them.

As she slipped her nightshirt over her head, she heard the click of the lock on the bedroom door. Her heart fluttered and she glanced in the mirror. Before she could do any primping, Daniel was behind her.

His eyes met hers in the mirror as his arms circled around her waist. She leaned back into him.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He nuzzled her neck, his nose brushing against her hair until his lips found her skin.

She turned in his arms, feeling him hard against her hip. She sank her fingers into his hair, studying his face. “You look exhausted. Let’s get into bed.”

A smile spread across his features. “If you insist.”

****

Daniel swept Marienne into his arms, pleased to hear her surprised gasp. He placed her gently on the bed and sprawled alongside her. “You’ve no idea how good it feels to be back in this bed, with you.” He traced his hand over the curve of her waist.

She hitched her leg over his hip. “I have some idea.” Her eyes darkened as she held his gaze. “I know we talked about this before, but are we really okay?”

Daniel’s hand stilled, his heart picking up speed. “I hope so. What do you think?” He held his breath.

“I think I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about Justine. I’ve been hurt so many times before and I let that make me a little crazy. I treated you like you were all the other guys I’ve been with, and you’re not. And I know that.”

Daniel ran his fingers through her hair, his thumb rubbing against her cheek. “I hope so. I’d never cheat on you, with anyone. There’s no one else in existence who I want to be with.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded. “The same goes for me. For you to even think that I’d have remotely considered anything with Bob, that was just unthinkable. It hurt that you didn’t trust my judgment. Then I realized I hadn’t been trusting you either. I feel like such a hypocrite.”

“Don’t. You were jealous and scared, and I understand. I was too. I guess we both need to improve on our trust issues.”

“Can we work on that? Together?” her voice shook, and he wanted to comfort her and make her feel safe.

He pulled her closer, feeling the warmth of her body pass through him. “Absolutely. In fact, I plan on working on it for the rest of my life.”

Chapter Fifty-Four

Daniel opened the door.

Roger stood on the front porch, flowers in one hand shopping bag in the other. Daniel stepped aside to let him into the house. “You look good,” he said.

Roger smiled. “I feel good. You look well yourself.”

Marienne walked toward them as Ella scrambled into the room. “You have to come meet our new kitten.” She grabbed Roger’s hand.

He laughed. “Just a minute. Let me give these flowers to your mum first.”

Ella let go of his hand and hurried back into the family room. Drew toddled behind her.

“Here.” Roger handed the bouquet to Marienne. “You look lovely, as always.” He kissed her cheek.” He turned to Daniel. “I stopped at that bakery the kids loved so much when you visited.” He handed the bag to Daniel. “I guess I should head off to meet this new kitten now.” Roger started in the direction Ella had gone, but Daniel reached out and touched his arm.

“Actually, we wanted to speak with you for a moment first.”

Roger’s eyes dimmed. Daniel glanced at Marienne, and she nodded.

Daniel took a breath and looked his father in the eyes. “We know you’re heading back to England soon, but we were hoping that when you plan your next trips to the States you could keep a few dates in mind.”

Roger’s eyebrows rose. “What sort of dates?”