Holding On (13 page)

“I’m saying I want to discuss it with you. What do you think?”

Marienne didn’t know what to respond. “It was beautiful when we were up there. And you know you get along well with Arnold.”

“True. And we could live in Hanover, which was lovely, and I’d only have a few minute drive to work. The kids could grow up on a college campus, like you and I both did.”

“It’s certainly a great school.”

“Yes, and they encourage publishing and other writing, so it shouldn’t be a problem if the whole script thing does work out.”

“Are you ready to leave NYU? You’ve been pretty attached to it.”

“I’m more attached to you.” He leaned in and kissed her. Heat surged through her, stirring up familiar feelings.

“I wish the six weeks were up.”

“Me too.” His traced his hand up and down her arm. “But you’re well worth the wait.”

“So you’re saying you want to do this?” Marienne pulled back to look into his face.

“Wait the six weeks? Well, want seems a rather strong word, but I know it’s best for ….”

She laughed and shook her head. She ran her fingers through his hair, wishing she could just pull him down on top of her. “I meant, silly boy, are you saying you want to take the job? Do you want us to move to New Hampshire?” Saying it out loud made it seem more real.
Move to New Hampshire. With a baby.

“I think I am.” Daniel stopped rubbing her arm. “If you’re okay with it. I don’t want to do anything that’s going to cause you more stress. I just thought….”

She traced her fingers across his lips, quieting him. “I’m fine with whatever makes you happy. I’d love it if you were around more often and worked closer to home. And you’re right. It would be a great place for the kids to grow up. If you think you’ll be happy working there, I think we should go for it.”

“Really?” He kissed her fingertips, his eyes steady on hers.

She nodded. “Though I can’t say I’m looking forward to telling Ruth.”

“Yeah, I thought about that. We’ll have to make it clear to her that she can come up and visit whenever she’d like. It’s only a short plane ride.”

“I know. She’ll be fine. But she’s not going to want to hear it at first. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure she understands.” Her fingers continued to trace his face. “What kind of time frame are we looking at?”

Daniel’s brow furrowed. “Not sure. I’d guess they’d want me for fall semester. I’d probably finish out this semester here, then we’d have the summer to move.”

“We’ll have to get this house on the market.” Marienne’s mind raced ahead to all that would have to be done. Find a realtor. Fix some cosmetic issues around the house. Start searching for homes in Hanover online.
Online house hunting. Oh God.

“One step at a time.” Daniel stretched out beside her, his hair grazing her shoulder. “I haven’t even talked to Arnold yet. Let’s see what he has to say, okay?”

“Okay.” Marienne relaxed against Daniel but her mind didn’t stop.
So much to do.
But exciting stuff. A new house. A new town. A new baby. It was a fresh start to their beautiful life.

Chapter Seventeen

The number of messages in Daniel’s inbox quadrupled in the days following the announcement that he was leaving the department. Students, ex-students, colleagues, old friends, everyone was coming out of the woodwork to either ask him why, wish him well, or get a recommendation from him before he left. It made the fact that he was leaving seem that much more dramatic.

Each day he’d scroll through his messages when he got to work then again at night before he’d go to bed. They all began to blur together, so many people saying the same things over and over again. He answered all of them, so some he only skimmed first. It became easier and easier to assess which ones could be answered with a standard reply and which ones needed more attention—a particularly memorable student, someone he’d known in college, an ex-wife.

Daniel was shocked when he saw Justine’s name. He hadn’t spoken to her in well over a year. He knew she’d moved to California, and last he’d heard she’d hooked up with some company known for providing personal trainers to the Hollywood elite. Since the divorce they hadn’t really had much to talk about, and neither of them had felt a need to keep in touch. ‘I remember when…’ the subject line read. He clicked to open it right away—it was the first email he’d gotten all day that he was actually curious to read.

Hey stranger. I can’t believe I had to find out that you were taking a new job from Margaret Cooper! I also can’t believe you’re really leaving NYU. I never thought I’d see the day. You always said it was like a home to you. What the hell happened? Dartmouth? Do you have any idea how cold it gets in New Hampshire in the winter? We used to ski Stowe (that’s Vermont, but really when you’re that far north, who cares?) every winter when I was growing up—it’s fucking freezing up there. We’ve certainly gone to the opposite extremes (again)—I’m in LA now. It was 75 degrees on Christmas day, and I spent New Year’s Eve at a pool party. Does it ever hit 75 degrees in New Hampshire? You’ll have to let me know. Hope you’re doing well. Write and tell me. You do still write, don’t you? Everything can’t have changed…. Right?

—Justine

Daniel realized she might not even know that he and Marienne had had a baby.
How do you tell your ex-wife news like that? Would she even want to know? Or is she just curious about the job change?
Although he’d known Justine for over a decade, and had been married to her for nearly six years, he felt like he barely knew her at all. Their lives had gone in such completely different directions, even before they’d divorced. In some ways she was a stranger.

He clicked reply and paused before he began to type.

Yes, I still write—Dartmouth said that was one of the conditions for being made a full professor so I figure I better continue. I’m doing well thanks. So are Marienne and Ella. I don’t know how much your sources have told you, but we recently added a new family member. Our son Andrew (Drew) was born on March 8—six pounds ten ounces, twenty-two inches and growing bigger every day. I imagine moving with a baby will add a whole other element to the adventure of leaving the tri-state area, but I’m very much looking forward to it. I’ll be working for Arnold, just like the old days (so no, not everything changes, some things become more the way they used to be). What are you up to out in LA? Working the locals? Or just working on your tan? Hope you’re well too. And happy.

Best, Daniel

He turned off his computer and went upstairs to bed. He peeked into Ella’s room. She was fast asleep, arm around her yellow Easter bunny, all her blankets on the floor. He picked up her puffy pink fleece and carefully placed it on top of her. She rubbed her face on the stuffed bunny and yawned but didn’t wake. He bent down and kissed her head then closed her door quietly.

Marienne was also asleep. The television remote was still in her hand. Drew was nestled in the cradle alongside the bed. He was having a growth spurt and was nursing every few hours so they’d decided to keep him as close by as possible. Daniel watched him sleep, checking to make sure his little chest was rising and falling. He’d always heard about parents checking to make sure their kids were still breathing, but he hadn’t realized what a compulsion it could be.

Daniel took off his shirt and pants and gingerly lifted the covers, trying not to wake Marienne. She shifted and curled up with her head on his chest. He kissed the back of her head. She smelled warm and sweet, like sleep. Her hand grazed across his belly then stilled. She was already back asleep. He glanced over at Drew once more, still resting peacefully. Still breathing. Within minutes Daniel drifted off too.

****

Marienne awoke to the sound of Drew restlessly gurgling. She looked at the clock. It was nearly five in the morning.
Wow. He made it almost five hours.
She scooted to her side of the bed and lifted him out of the cradle before he let out a full cry. “Good morning sweet boy.” She whispered as she lifted the flap on her nursing nightgown. He immediately rooted around and found her nipple. His tiny fingernails dug into her breast. “We need to trim your nails little man.” She looked at his hand, still amazed at how razor sharp baby’s nails could feel.

He sucked so hard she gasped. Her other breast responded by tingling. She reached for a nursing pad but it was too late. Half her nightshirt was already soaked. She sighed.
More laundry
. She wiggled her finger between Drew’s insistent lips to break the seal. He swallowed hard and was about to scream, but she shifted him to her other breast and he realized there was more breakfast waiting. He suckled hard, grabbing her breast again.
Must clip nails
. She yawned. Morning nursing made her the sleepiest. She was always afraid she’d doze off, and he’d roll right off her lap. She’d lined the floor alongside the bed with king-sized pillows just in case.

Daniel slept peacefully. His hand was on his chest, where her head had been. She wished she could curl up on him and go back to sleep.
For a week.
She looked down to see Drew staring up at her, watching her intently. He looked so much like Daniel. She smiled and bent to kiss the feather soft hair on his head. She wondered how long he’d stay blond. His little round cheeks moved in perfect rhythm. She rubbed his pudgy arm. He was a much calmer baby than Ella had been. Or maybe she was the one who was calmer.

Everything had been so new with Ella. First time mom. First baby she’d ever known. First of her friends to have kids. Frank always at work. If it hadn’t been for Daniel, she’d have lost her mind. He was the one who watched Ella to give her a break so she could take a shower or run to the store or go to work for a day. It was no wonder Ella had taken to calling him daddy so quickly. She’d barely known Frank at all. Daniel was the only real father she’d ever known. “You’re a lucky little boy.” She kissed his head again. The corners of his mouth tugged into a smile and her nipple popped out his mouth. His eyes twinkled up at her then he attached himself to her breast again. She glanced at Daniel once more. “You’ve got the best daddy in the whole world.”

Marienne hoped that Drew would go back to sleep when he stopped nursing, but he was wide awake. He gurgled happily in her lap. She frowned down at him but he cooed and she couldn’t help but smile.
It’s genetically impossible for you to be a morning person, why are you so wide awake?

She lifted him onto her shoulder and eased out of bed. It was nice to finally be able to stand up without her incision tugging too much. She grabbed her robe off the rocking chair and shoved her feet into her fuzzy slippers. Daniel had another hour to sleep before his alarm went off and Ella’s room was quiet.

“Let’s say we make some muffins for Daddy and your sister.”

She shuffled down the stairs, yawning again.

****

Daniel awoke to the smell of cinnamon and pumpkin. He yawned and stretched. His alarm was due to go off in two minutes. He flicked the switch before it started to screech. He was about to doze off when he heard Ella’s feet thumping down the hallway.

“Morning, Daddy.” She practically flew onto the bed.

“Morning, sweet girl.” He pulled her into a hug.

She kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t fall back asleep.”

He laughed. “I won’t. It smells like muffins. I can’t sleep if there are muffins that need to be eaten.”

Ella giggled and he tickled her. She scrambled off the bed. He sat up slowly and scratched his head. It was cold outside the covers. He grabbed the sweatshirt off his dresser and pulled it over his head. Ella took him by the hand and dragged him into the hallway. “Can I ride down?” she asked.

“Of course.” He crouched so she could climb onto his back. She clasped her hands in front of his neck, and he held onto them as he trotted down the stairs.

Marienne stood at the stove stirring a pot of cocoa. Her eyelids shut for longer than a blink, as though she might nod off standing there.

Drew was in his infant seat, watching her.

Marienne turned and smiled. “Morning.”

“Good morning.” He kissed her head then turned so Ella was next to her. “I found this little girl upstairs. I think she’s here for muffins.”

Ella giggled.

Daniel walked over to the table and let Ella climb down onto her chair. He bent to kiss Drew then went back to Marienne. He rubbed her shoulders as she stirred the hot chocolate. She leaned her head back against his chest, rolling her neck.

“Did you sleep?” he asked.

“Some.” She yawned. “He made it almost five hours. I got up twice to check on him though.”

“I’m sorry.” He wished he could do something to let her rest more. “I’d get up and nurse him, but I’m afraid I’m not equipped.”

“I know. But that’s okay. I prefer my men flat chested.”

He pulled her tighter against him. “I’m glad.”

She turned off the stove.

“You could try pumping again, you know. I’d gladly get up and give him a bottle.”

“It takes too long, and he doesn’t seem to like a bottle. I think he’d hold out for the real thing.”

“Can’t say I blame him.” Daniel grinned.

Marienne swatted him with a potholder.