Holding His Forever (4 page)

I
wait a long time
, longer than I thought possible, before going and knocking on the bedroom door. I put my ear to it, and when I don’t hear anything, I crack it slightly and call out her name.

“Fia? Are you decent?”

Reluctantly I look in and see that she’s tucked in under the covers, fast asleep, even though the overhead light is on and the sun is coming up outside. I’m used to going without sleep, but she must be utterly exhausted. She looks right in my bed. Like she belongs there. Giving my plain bedroom life. Making it feel like a home, and not a place I dread. It’s been months since I’ve wanted to crawl into my own bed, but that’s all I want to do in this moment.

I turn off the light in the room and walk over beside the bed. I touch her cheek, and she leans into me a little, making my heart swell. I kiss my finger, then place the finger on her lips, whispering goodnight.

Before I leave, I tape a note to the door, hoping that she’ll see it when she finally wakes up.

I think about the note all the way to work, wondering if I said the right thing. She’s probably too traumatized about losing all her stuff to think about dinner. Maybe I should go back and just wait for her to wake up. If she’s got no one, then she may not have a way to get more clothes or food. She may need help getting around.

By the time I reach the fire station, I’m in a state of anxiety about leaving her alone. I need to get back to her, to make sure she has everything she might need. So instead of going in and getting to work, I head to the Captain's office.

“Sir, I’m going to need a couple of days off.”

He looks at me like I’ve suddenly grown two heads.

“Wasn’t it just yesterday we were talking about me pulling you if I thought you weren’t up to it? Then last night I hear about you taking a woman from that arson fire to the hospital?”

“Yeah, about that,” I say, walking into his office and taking a seat. “The guys had it under control, and one of the victims wanted me to stay with her until she was released. She didn’t have anyone else with her and no next of kin. I gave her a place to stay, and I wanted to take some time off to make sure she’s settled before I come back to work.”

He taps a folder next to him. “This is the report I’m sending over to the police department this afternoon on the findings from the fire. The guys from last night jumped on the paperwork for the investigation. It’s definitely arson, so I’m sure you’ll be asked a few questions. Just keep close to your phone until this settles.”

I nod, standing up and turning to leave his office. Before I get out the door, he calls my name.

“Phoenix.”

“Yes, sir?” I ask, looking back.

“Be careful.”

I nod, not really understanding. He never tells us that, even when we’re about to walk into a burning building. He usually just tells us to suit up and keep our heads on straight. But by the time I’m back out and headed to the store, his words of caution are already forgotten.

* * *

“
S
trawberry or mango
?”

The old lady looks at me and smiles, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m not sure, but I’m sure she’ll be happy you made the effort either way. Good luck, handsome.”

She reaches up, squeezing my cheek, and I still feel lost. I’ve got a cart overflowing with things for Fia. I already bought her some clothes and shoesbasic things that I know can help her get through a few days. Then I came to the drug store, and I’ve loaded up on what I hope is something close to what she needs. Lotions and soaps, hairbrushes, a blow dryer. Women need so many things, and I want her to have what she wants. But I can’t decide between strawberry and mango shampoo.

Giving up, I throw both into the cart and head for the candy aisle.

I don’t know anything about Fia, but something about her has taken hold of me. Maybe it’s the need to protect and care for her because she’s in a vulnerable situation, but something deeper in my heart is feeling the connection. I’ve got fears that come with it though. That she might reject me, or that I could get attached to her, and the worst thought of all is that maybe she doesn’t feel this pull, too.

I’ve steered clear of dating women for most of my career because of the kind of job I have. In the blink of an eye, it can all be taken away, and I’d never wanted to put someone through that before. But then I think of my mom and dad and what an amazing marriage they had. And it wasn’t a fire that separated them, it was my mother’s cancer.

Looking to their relationship always made me long for my own. Fear has kept any possibility of that at arm’s length. But last night, Fia was thrown into my arms, and I wasn’t given a choice. Suddenly all the worry and dark clouds that have been hanging over me have been lifted, and something new and bright has replaced them. My angel found me, and suddenly I’m alive for the first time. I want to grab onto any part of it, even if I can only have it for a moment. I’ll take whatever I can get, but I’m going to fight like hell to make sure it’s forever.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I look down, hoping it’s her. When I see it’s my dad, I answer and think briefly what it would be like to introduce her to him.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Sunshine! I’ve heard you made a lady friend.”

I roll my eyes, thinking about how Captain Thomas have been friends for forty years, so nothing passes by either of them.

“Did you? Wonder where you got that information.” I half-smile. People think only women gossip. That’s complete bullshit. Get ten men in a room and all they have to do is talk, they’ll start going on about all kinds of shit. I think some men at the firehouse could give the ladies down at the church potluck a run for their money.

“You know a gentleman never reveals his sources. But never mind that. Just wanted to call and tell you that I love you and I can’t wait to meet her.”

I feel myself smile when I hear his own happiness. My father said my mom wanted more than anything for me to find happiness with someone. And then I think, maybe she had a hand in all this. God knows it would take someone being thrown at me, for me to recognize someone standing right in front of me. But then I picture Fia’s beautiful blue eyes, and I know there’s no way I would miss her. Not in a crowd of a thousand people. I’d always find her and want her in my arms. But I like the idea that maybe my mom sent an angel, and I’m going to make sure I take care of that gift.

“Why don’t you let me meet her first? And then I’ll bring her to see you.”

God, this is all happening so fast, and what if it’s only happening in my head? What if, when I get back to the apartment, she takes one look at me and decides I’m not worth it?

Shaking off that thought, I know that’s not going to happen. She felt that connection, too. There’s something between us that both of need to figure out, and I plan on doing just that.

“Fine, fine, take your time, my boy. But don’t keep me waiting. I’ve got grandbaby fever already.”

Sighing, I get off the phone, promising to bring her by as soon as I can. If the old man wasn’t so adorable, I’d probably go crazy.

“Okay,” I say to myself, looking at the candy. “What does a beautiful woman who’s lost everything in a fire and who’s currently asleep in my bed want as a snack?”

I
snuggle deeper
into the softest bed I’ve ever slept in, feeling the morning sun hitting my face. Rolling over onto my back, I stretch, a smile spreading across my face. I haven’t felt this relaxed in…

My eyes pop open, and memories of last night flood my brain. I bolt from the bed, looking around the room for a clock.

Ten o’clock. Shit! I’m late! It’s then I realize I’m stark naked, the fluffy towel I used last night lying discarded on the floor. I’m naked in a man’s home. I just crashed last night, not even thinking about what I was doing. I’d only meant to rest my eyes for a moment. Maybe because while last night might have been a mess and set me back months and months, I’d never felt safer in my life. In that moment when I was in Derek’s arms, and when he just held my hand, I knew nothing could happen to me. From the sheer determination in his eyes, I knew he’d never let anything touch me.

It was the first time I could ever remember feeling nothing but calm in a man’s presence. Unafraid. It was refreshing and just felt so right with him. The thought of leaving here makes a knot form in my stomach. I don’t want to leave. I want to crawl back into the bed and sleep for a few more hours, maybe even days, but that just isn’t an option.

I grab the clothes still sitting in a pile at the end of the bed and slide the shirt from the firehouse over my head, making me miss Derek even more. The thing falls to my knees and looks more like a dress. Next I grab the sweatpants and pull them up my legs. I have to roll them a million times to get them to fit.

I walk into the bathroom and look for the slippers the hospital gave me. I put them on, then grab the clothes off the floor. I want to make sure I don’t leave anything a mess, so I quickly put the towel in the laundry basket and make the bed back right before leaving the room and heading towards the kitchen. I’m hoping Derek will be here, but when I enter I see no one.

I won’t even get to say goodbye. I know he said I could stay here a few days, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t even know whose place this is, and Derek is gone. After tossing the hospital clothes into the trash, knowing I’ll never get the smoke smell out, I look for a piece of paper and pen. That’s when I see a note from him taped to the front door. I pick it up and read it.

The note makes butterflies take flight in my stomach. He’s so nice, and I don’t want to take advantage of that. He’s obviously just doing his job. He’s a fireman. He saves people for a living. I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I debate taking his number, but I worry that in a moment of weakness I might take advantage of him. I could tell that Derek has a few of his own demons. I know the look of pain and loss. I could see it in Derek’s eyes. I’d seen it in my mother’s, and even mine. He doesn’t need any of my demons to add to the pile.

I
stare down
at the note, wondering if this will be the last contact I’ll ever have with him. The knot in my stomach grows more at the idea, and I feel a little nauseated. I shake my head and let the note fall to the counter before making my way to the front door to exit the townhouse. The door locks behind me, and it’s then I realize I have no idea where I am and that I have no money. Or anything, for that matter. All that safety I was feeling in that house slips away, leaving a cold anxiety behind.

Luckily a taxi passes, and I flag it down. I’m just going to have to ask one of the girls at the women’s shelter to cover my fare until I get a chance to go to the bank at some point. When I get to the shelter, Nora is standing outside and covers the tab for me while I give her the Cliff Notes of last night.

“You alright?” she asks, looking me over. I look a mess, and I know it.

“I will be,” I tell her as she follows me into the shelter after entering the code to get into the building. Things might be a mess, but I know I can pick myself up. I’ve been in worse situations in my life, and my mom and I picked ourselves up and pulled through. I’ll do the same. I head to one of the storage rooms in search of clothes. I hate to take from the bin, but I really don’t have an option right now.

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” I look over at her and see the worry in her face.

“I’m fine, promise. I’m just a little lost on what to do next. I lost everything. I don’t even have an ID.” Without an ID, how am I even going to get money from my own bank account? I let out a long breath as I dig through the bin, finally finding a pair of jeans in my size and a shirt.

“Your old ID is still in your desk.”

“Oh, my God, you’re right!” A splash of relief hits me at that. I’d gotten a new ID when I’d moved into my apartment.

“C-cup?” Nora asks, motioning to my boobs. I just nod as she goes to the closet that houses all the new bras and underwear. She finds me some and tosses them to me.

I’m going to have to make a donation after this. Guilt from taking from here weighs heavily on me. Women and kids here have it way worse than I do. They need these things and don’t even have a penny to their names. I work here because I want to give back, not take. I quickly dress, wanting to get to my desk and see what needs to be done. I hate being behind, and I know work will take my mind off of everything, including this empty feeling that has settled in since I left the townhouse.

“Where are you staying?” Nora asks, following me into the office.

“I’m not sure,” I admit. I haven’t gotten that far yet. Hell, I haven’t gotten anywhere it seems.

“You know you can stay here,” Nora offers. She is always on call and has a little cot in our shared office. She loves this place just as much as I do. Nora left her abusive husband a few years back but still doesn’t like to be alone, so being on call and staying here works for her and makes her feel safe. I am not taking her cot. She needs this place. I can make do. I will make do.

“How many beds you got open right now?” I ask her, and I know from the look on her face the answer is zero. I’m not taking a bed from a woman who is here hiding from her husband or lover. Not going to happen.

“I got it covered. Don’t worry about it.” I try to reassure her because she has enough to worry about as it is. I can either get a hotel for the night or go over to one of the normal shelters in the city. Either way, I know I’ll figure it out. I always do.

This fire might have set me back, but I’ll pick myself up and get it together. It might drain the meager savings I have to buy new clothes and a deposit on a new place. I’d planned to use that money on finishing my last semester of college this fall, but I’ll be able to do that once I get back on my feet.

Oddly, the thought of missing out on enrolling this fall doesn’t seem to bother me as much as never seeing Derek again. His face comes to my mind once again. It never fully leaves me. There was just something about him.

“New family just got here. She has three kids,” Nora says, breaking into my thoughts. Grabbing my clipboard off my desk, I go to meet the new family. I hope I can stop thinking about how I miss a man I barely even know.

* * *

“
S
eems
like you’re kind of in a bind,” Sam says, running his eyes over me with that look a cat gets when it’s finally caught a mouse. Tracy just stands there and stares at both of us, looking just as pissed as she did the other night when she walked into the office and found out Sam had offered me the managing position. I’m thankful she’s pissed, because now she’s like a freaking hawk, watching everything that’s going on, and Sam can’t get me alone to ask me questions or press me about taking the job, or anything else he might have in mind.

I really wish I could quit this place, but now that really isn’t an option at all. In fact, I have to make enough tips tonight to cover a hotel room. After the new family came into the shelter, I hadn’t been able to slip away to the bank to get cash before it closed. For a few hours, everything had slipped my mind but them. I was trying to make them feel welcome and safe, trying to make it seem less like an upheaval.

“I’ll be okay. Luckily there are a few extra uniforms here,” I say smiling, trying to hide how uncomfortable this whole situation is. I just want to work and be left alone, maybe just go back to daydreaming about Derek. I wonder what he’s up to, if he’s thought about me at all. I regret not taking his number. Maybe there could have been something. A deep loss hits me again.