Holding Her in Madness (25 page)

I’m fucking grasping at straws over here to keep shit light, because as soon as it gets heavy she’ll withdraw. Shit, she’ll haul ass, taking with her any chance I have at making us work.

Lunch seems to be going okay. Well, for the most part.

I slip. It is only fucking once, and if it were anyone but Lil I was talking to, they never would have noticed. But Lil? She doesn’t only notice. She fucking zeroes in on that bitch and takes my balls off at the base for it.

When she finishes her rant with my balls bleeding to death in the palm of her hand, it fucking hits me.

Mack truck, meet Leo.

I’ll be motherfucking goddamned. Every-fucking-thing David Shaw said that actually worked, that I took as the gospel truth about how Lil really felt about me, the words behind the
ONLY
reason I left my baby firecracker… They were all fucking lies.

After I tell her, leaving out a shitload of details, what happened…I do what the fuck I always do when it counts
—
I fuck up. I tell her I love her.

She starts plowing through margaritas, and I wish to FUCK I weren’t an alcoholic who has over ten years of sobriety to show for it.

Somehow, after all the awkwardness of our lunch, she still lets me drive her home. She even lets me inside her house to get the measurements and place the order for her dual-side. When I know I can’t procrastinate any longer, I call Rick and fill him in on what materials are needed to get Lil her dual-side and a new wall in her bedroom.

Do you know how hard it is to fight every instinct in your fucking body and soul to not take what’s yours?

It’s really goddamn hard. And yeah, I fumble through it. I can’t call it an epic disaster, but it comes too fucking close to utterly destroying my already damned soul for my comfort.

I have Lil wrapped up so close to me. I’m so damn hard that my cock is screaming in pain. My lips are dry as fuck from my ragged breathing, but it doesn’t stop me from brushing them against her forehead.

Ninety-nine point nine percent of me has already decided that nothing matters in this world more than my need to bury my cock inside her and let my mouth taste and bite every inch of her skin.

I whisper with my lips against her forehead, “I’ll make you happy again, baby. If it’s the last thing I fucking do.”

Swear to Christ, I will never know how that point one percent yanks me out of that house and away from her, but somehow it happens.

As soon as her front door closes behind me and I’m in my truck, I vow to myself that I will never again let myself get as close as I was—hell, as close as I have ever been—to not giving a flying fuck what the woman I’m stabbing my dick into wants.

Inches, people. I was fucking inches away from not caring whether or not I raped my firecracker.

Now…it’s fucking obvious that I can’t let myself, mostly my cock, around Lil again.

Because the next time… I can’t promise that the point one percent will win.

‘Out of sight, out of mind’ has never worked for me where Lil is concerned. So I’m not surprised when it doesn’t work for me now.

She is my original drug of preference. It’s Lil who initiated my codependent behavior. She was the catalyst to my narcissistic and addictive tendencies twenty years ago.

Knowing that now doesn’t curb my need for her. If I were in a rational frame of mind, it might. But come on… When in the hell have Lil, rational thought, and I
ever
stood in the same room?

Right. Never.

It’s never happened.

For more than six months, my relationship with Lil only consists of texts, phone calls, and our weekly lunch dates.

I knew she wasn’t happy. Hell, any dumbass would know it just by looking at her. It’s the extent of her unhappiness that catches me off guard. Within the first few weeks, I notice how deep her depression runs.

The Goo Goo Dolls song ‘Black Balloon’—as soon as I hear it, I know that it’s my song for Lil. Every lyric I hear interprets what is left of my firecracker. I buy the CD and replay that bitch over and over.

On the day I ran into her at Home Depot, I asked her where my firecracker was at. Her response was, “She died.”

What was I supposed to do with that? Her two words rolled around in my mind for weeks until I decided that I couldn’t accept her answer.

My firecracker was not dead.

No.

Not fucking possible.

If she is dead, then I am too.

I just got her back. I’m not ready to die. That leaves only one option—I gotta bring her back to life. And once I do, I gotta do everything in my power to make her happy and keep her with me.

I go back to the original playbook, the play that won me her the first time. Pieces—I start with pieces. Only I’m not taking pieces like last time. I’m giving Lil pieces.

Pieces of my soul, my heart, my love. I give her pieces of me over a long period of time.

A week after Lil is divorced from Nicolas, I drag her to lunch with me. She doesn’t know that we aren’t going to see each other or be able to talk for a while. I got some shit I need to handle, and it may take a while.

However, I know that after lunch today, when I get everything taken care of and come back for Lil, every single thread of restraint will be untethered.

I’m fucking comin’ for her ass the second I can, and I ain’t holding back… Next time, I’m taking what is fucking mine.

I look up when I hear the bell ring above the door, and the sight of her would knock me to my knees if I weren’t already sitting in our booth.

She left her hair down the way I like it today. Her smile lights up the fucking room. She looks so damn sexy and cute at the same time.

Fuck it. I can’t stay sitting in this damn booth any longer. I’m up and meeting her halfway across bar a second later, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.

“Fucking hell, woman. Are you trying to kill me?” I whisper in Lil’s ear before leaning back to look at her from head to toe. “Damn, you look beautiful in that dress, babe.” I kiss both her cheeks before wrapping my arm around her to lead her to our booth. “Please tell me you started wearing panties in the last twenty years. No…wait, don’t. I’ll never make it through lunch if you answer that.”

The sound of her laughter makes my heart swell and break. I’ve coaxed a few smiles and a giggle or two over the last six months but not a full-out laugh. It’s beautiful, and it kills me to know that I won’t hear it again for a while.

Once we’re sitting in our booth, she looks at me across the table, her eyes still dancing with laughter. “Why in the world would knowing whether or not I’m wearing panties keep you from your lunch, Leo?”

A growl comes out right before I face-plant the table. “Shit, you are trying to kill me, aren’t you?”

I jerk my head back up when I see the waitress in my peripheral. After Lil and I make our lunch order and the waitress leaves, I look over at her. Her devious grin causes me to stare in wonder.

There she is. Fuck, I have missed you so much, firecracker.

“If I were trying to kill you, you’d know it.” Her head shakes, and when she glances down, her hair falls into her face. Our hands meet, bringing her eyes back to mine as I tuck her hair behind her ear.

“Hey, you.” I nudge her leg under the table with my knee and watch her eyes go wide.

“Hey yourself. Don’t try to get frisky with me under this table. I promise you won’t win.” Her left eyebrow lifts before she grins again. “I don’t care how good you look in that suit. I don’t play fair.”

“No fucking shit you don’t.”

Our flirting game goes on until our lunch is served.

We’re finished eating when our conversation turns to serious topics. “How is everything? I know it’s fucking hard to sever yourself from someone you share so much with, especially for so long. Plus, your daughter… God, I couldn’t imagine. You doin’ okay?”

“Who is okay?” Her blue eyes lock on mine, daring me to cross her. Then she sighs and glances down. “Sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.” She laughs, but it’s drenched in sadness. I can see the defeat on her beautiful face.

“Look at me, firecracker.” When she looks up at me, I finish tell her, “Don’t ever want to hear you apologize for being honest, ‘kay, baby?”

Lil slowly nods. “I don’t realize how jaded I am until I say shit like that.”

My firecracker isn’t sitting in front of me anymore. Lil’s doppelganger is.

“I won’t say stupid fucking clichés, and I won’t question your jaded views on life. Hell, I can’t. I’m too jaded myself. “

“And what a lovely, fucked-up, and jaded couple we would make.” I see the tears in her eyes before she looks away.

“We absolutely fucking will, babe.”

Silence settles over us, and I can tell it’s making her uneasy, so I give her an out by making some shit up after ten minutes.

“Well, my afternoon is stacked with meetings…” I stand up and toss some bills on the table before pulling Lil up from her seat. I wrap my arms tight around her waist then nuzzle my face against her neck and hair. “Thank you for being my lunch date, beautiful. It made my whole fucking week.” I look down into her eyes. “I’m kissing you next time I have you this close to me, firecracker…”

Her eyes flutter shut. When she opens them again, they’re clouded in lust. “Promises, promises.”

I chuckle with my mouth against her ear and feel her shudder. “I always keep my promises, baby. You know that.” I kiss her ear before I pull away from her. “I’ll see ya around, okay?”

“Okay.” She frowns when she turns to leave, and it almost causes me to stop her.

I don’t because I can’t make her happy, and I can’t make her happy until she’s mine.

It kills me as I watch her walk away in the opposite direction down the street. But there isn’t a damn thing I can do… Yet.

My plane leaves in four hours.

I pull my Lexus into Lil’s old driveway, remove my jacket, unbutton my sleeves, and roll them up my forearms. Then I take off my tie. There’s no need for ties or pleasantries for what’s about to take place.

After I’ve unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt, I step out of my car and throw my keys, cell phone, and wallet on the driver’s seat.

I stretch my arm muscles and roll my shoulders on the way to the front door.

Now before you lose your shit, just pipe the fuck down, okay? I followed Nick and watched him drop Bella off at her friend’s house. Bella had a sleepover bag, so I’m pretty confident that she won’t have to witness what the fuck I’m about to do.

I can’t say the same for the skank I watched pull in behind Nick when he got home. The same skank that I know is one of many he’s been fucking for the last six years.

I ring the doorbell, and as I wait for them to answer, I alternate between pumping my fists and running my fingers through my hair.

To say I’m pissed when they finally open the door five minutes later is an understatement. Through my reddened vision, I see the skank dressed in what I assume is Nick’s dress shirt, only one or two buttons buttoned.

Fucking slut.

Nick walks up behind her and hooks his arm around her neck before he slurs out, “Who the fuck are you?”

My laugh sounds demonic even to my own ears, so I’m not surprised when he slides his skank behind him.

“Who the fuck am I?” Another wicked laugh bubbles from me. “I’m the motherfucker you stole a life from…” I crack my neck, rotating it in a half circle. Then I crack my knuckles before flexing my fingers out,and constrict them into fists. “I’m also the motherfucker that’s here to steal it back.” My right fist connects with Nick’s left eye, immediately followed by a left uppercut landing under his chin.

I hear his teeth clack before his skank screams. Wrapping my left hand around his throat, I stop him from going down. I pummel his face with my right hand before my knee hits him in the stomach at the same time I release my hold on his throat.

He falls back into his house, landing on his back. I immediately straddle my feet on each side of him while he rolls to his left side.

Grabbing a handful of his hair, I jerk his face to mine. “Any more questions, ya little bitch?”