Holding Her Breath (Indigo) (27 page)

Whitney didn’t say a word. She was too busy trying not to show her anger at Kim’s butting into her business.

“Regardless, right now? I cannot recommend you for partner. You’ve done nothing to show me you can handle the challenge.”

“But you won’t let me—”

“You’ve been missing deadlines, I’ve found you unprepared for court, assignments have been half the quality of what you used to produce.”

“When have I ever been unprepared for court? And—”

“Are you calling me a liar?” Kim shook her head. “It’s bad enough that you’ve become a substandard lawyer. Throwing around baseless accusations as an attempt to mask your mistakes? That is truly in poor taste.”

Whitney was too stunned to mention that Kim had started giving her more and more ridiculous deadlines, she’d repeatedly given Whitney misinformation and it’d been up to Whitney to find out what the right information was before she could even begin her projects, and once she’d even given Whitney the wrong court date.

“I’ve already shared this information with Andersen and the committee, but you’re welcome to talk to them, of course. It’s well within your rights to do so.”

With Kim in their back pockets? What would be the point? Sure, Whitney might have changed her work habits to resemble those of an actual human being more lately. She was no longer a Gibson and Grey robot, but she was still doing her job. She’d made a couple of mistakes lately, with a lot of “help” from Kim, but she couldn’t see why Kim was taking partner away from her. It was like Kim was sabotaging her.

She’d heard Andersen compliment Kim on a memo or two that Whitney had written or seen Kim take credit for her work in other respects over the years, but she’d never thought of it as malicious. She still didn’t want to think that even Kim was capable of sabotaging her partner prospects just so that Whitney could stay under her and do her work for her. Had Kim taken the opportunity of Whitney’s distraction from work over the past few months and used it to derail Whitney’s future for her personal gain?

She had to get out of there. She couldn’t think in that room with Kim. She could barely keep herself from screaming.

“Okay,” Whitney said. “Okay.” It was all she could say.

“Then, we’re done here. Right?” Kim started straightening stacks of papers on her desk.

Whitney nodded and moved toward the door.

“Oh, and Whitney?” Kim called as Whitney put her hand on the doorknob.

Whitney turned to face her.

“Consider what I said about not letting a man take you off-course. Consider it very seriously,” Kim said.

Whitney nodded and left the office. Was Kim right? As an underling with no life, she’d certainly had plenty of time to do Kim’s every bidding in the past. Was Chace too much of a distraction? Had she caused herself to lose partner? Had Chace? Had Kim? A combination of the three?

When she got back to her office, she mumbled something to Bettina about being sick and taking a half day. The sick part was right even if she wasn’t coughing or running a fever. That evaluation had made her nauseous. She couldn’t be at Gibson and Grey one moment longer. The only Grey she wanted to see right then was Grey Goose.

She sent Kim an email, letting her so-called mentor know that she was taking the rest of the day off. After calling Abbott and seeing if she could meet for lunch, Whitney grabbed her coat and her purse, leaving her laptop in the office. She left Gibson and Grey in drastically lower spirits than those with which she came in a mere couple of hours earlier.

* * *

The fatigue from the sleepless night before was settling over Whitney now that her Chace high was fading. She slumped over in the booth where she and Abbott sat.

“Bad, huh?” Abbott asked.

Whitney nodded without even looking up. “I don’t think I’m going to. Um. I don’t think I’m going to make partner.” If she were to have any chance, she would have to fight Kim tooth and nail to do it. She wasn’t sure she was up for that.

Abbott reached over and rubbed her shoulder. “Whoa. That’s huge to you, Whit. Everybody knows that. Are you okay?”

Whitney shrugged. Abbott’s hand was still on her shoulder.

“You wanna talk about it, hon?”

“What’s the point?” She looked up. “Why am I doing all of this? Everything was for that—for partner. If I don’t get partner, all of this has been for nothing.”

“You can’t believe that job’s the only thing in life that matters. Maybe you’re trying hard at the wrong thing, if that job’s making you so miserable.”

“What am I supposed to be trying at, then?” Whitney tapped a fingernail against the dark wood of the table.

“I just meant that—your job shouldn’t consume your life. You’ve been happier than I’ve seen you in a long time since you stopped letting it do that.”

She toyed with the edges of her napkin. “You’re talking about Chace, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.”

She sighed. “What if he’s part of the problem? I never even thought about falling in love before him, and now maybe love is ruining my life.”

“What are you talking about? How can love ruin your life? Ruin anybody’s life?”

Cradling her head in her hands as she spoke, she told Abbott everything. All Kim had said in the evaluation. All about Chace. Even about her suspicions regarding Kim.

“That’s horrible,” Abbott said. “You know, I never did like that Kim.” She moved to Whitney’s side of the booth.

“Yeah.”

“So what are you going to do?” Abbott rubbed her shoulder.

Whitney looked up. “I have no idea.” She’d made lots of plans for lots of different things in life, but she had no plan at all for a situation like this one.

“Are you going to the partners?”

“She has them all wrapped around her finger, and I haven’t done a great job of making myself look like the model employee lately.” She heaved a huge sigh. “If I go to them, and go over her head, I have to be in for a long, ugly fight.”

“Are you going to give up on being a partner at the firm?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Do you still want this, Whitney? Are you sure this is really something you want?”

A few weeks ago, Whitney would have answered that question without hesitation. Of course it was. She’d spent her whole life working toward her dream of making partner. But was it something she wanted, or something everyone else wanted for her? Was it just something she thought she should want?

“I don’t know,” Whitney said. “And I’m not even sure how to go about figuring out the answer to that question.”

“I think you should think this thing through, too, and not for the reason Kim wants you to.” Abbott put an arm around her. “Chace seems to bring you so much happiness. And you were kind of in a funk ever since Kim suggested that you cut way back on the pro bono work because it was cutting too much into your productivity as an associate. I dunno.” Abbott smoothed her hair away from her face. “Is being at the firm for you? If it keeps meaning you have to keep giving up the things that make you happy?”

“Being successful makes me happy. Being at Gibson and Grey? Means success. Being a partner there? Means fulfillment.”

“Really?” Abbott stared her down.

At that moment, the server brought Abbott’s ginger tea and Whitney’s cocktail. She didn’t often drink her lunch, but she didn’t often get all her dreams crushed in less than an hour, either. Whitney toyed with the glass filled with ice, vodka, and cranberry juice, trying to decide how to answer Abbott’s question, or if she would at all.

Abbott put her hand over Whitney’s. “I just want to see you happy.”

Whitney looked up into Abbott’s compassionate pale blue eyes.

“There’s an opening at One Justice For All. Why don’t you at least drop off a résumé? Go over there and tell them I sent you. Talk to my friend, Gracie, about the opening and about the organization. You wouldn’t have to make any moves to leave Gibson and Grey yet. Maybe not at all. Just check out the opportunity.”

“Even if I’m not happy at Gibson and Grey. Let’s say for the sake of argument I’m not, what about making the people I love happy? Isn’t that worth something? A lot? What if I’m even less happy disappointing them than I am being Kim’s footstool?” She looked away from Abbott as she said this.

“All I know, Whitney, is if you keep lying to yourself, you risk losing more of yourself. Already, there’s so much of the person I knew and loved in law school missing from you.”

“Things change. I got realistic. Learned how the world works.”

“You saying I’m naïve?”

“I’m saying it’s different for you. It always has been. It’s easy to walk away from the money and the lifestyle when you’ve had that chance. I grew up with nothing. I watched my mother suffer. I never want to see that again.” Whitney said more than she’d meant to.

Abbott leaned toward her. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. Just forget it.”

“You never would say much about your family and your childhood, but let me say this. I’ve met your mother, and she’s a beautiful person inside and out. She seems happy with her life, and, to me, nothing matters more to her than her children’s happiness. I think what would make her happier than anything is seeing you happy. Not how much money or the amount of material things you can give her.”

She smiled. Abbott sounded just like Jo. Abbott always had been good at reading people.

“Now I can tell you all the things you’ve heard before about money not being happiness, but why bother?” Abbott shrugged. “You need to make this decision for you. Just you. Not for anyone else. Decide what makes you happy. And what you’re willing to sacrifice. Is the big law firm lifestyle for you? Is being with Chace what you want? A real life? Is it possible to have both?”

Whitney stared into her glass.

“At One Justice For All, you’ll have a real chance to make a difference. I know how much that means to you. Or at least, I know how much it used to mean to you.”

She sat back in the booth. Abbott had always had a negative view of big law firms, big business, and so on. So her opinion was probably a little biased.

“You say family is important to you, but how much time do you really get to spend with them when Gibson owns you?”

Good point.

“You know, you’re one of the few people from law school I still talk to who went the big firm route. Because you’re one of the few who I could tell didn’t buy into the whole scheme even though you tried your hardest to do so.” Abbott rubbed her shoulder. “Don’t give up on who you really are. Don’t give up on getting what you really want. It’s within your grasp. Not everyone gets that second chance. Don’t ruin yours.”

Whitney stared down at the plate the server had put in front of her and the salade niçoise occupying it. Even though it was normally one of her favorite meals, she didn’t have much of an appetite for it. Everyone was living out their dreams except for her.

Abbott enjoyed her work with the non-profit world aid organization for whom she was general counsel. Rob’s T-shirt business was taking off. He finally had the brick and mortar store he’d been fighting years to get, and business was already booming thanks to word-of-mouth around the city about his crazy shirts.

Erika had gotten rid of Old Stupid and was having the time of her life. She always seemed to be going out, almost every night. She invited Whitney, but Whitney never went. She never seemed to have time. What little time she had went to Chace. And even they didn’t go out because she was so busy with work. Her compromise to not being at the office was staying home with him where she was close to her laptop and she could watch her BlackBerry like a hawk without the interruptions of life.

Chace was getting somewhere with his photography. There was even going to be an article in a photography e-zine focusing on young artists in the city featuring Chace as an up-and-comer on the D.C. photography scene.

And then there was the question of what she wanted. Her dream had allegedly been the partnership track, but that was probably over now. And was it really her dream anyway? Or had that dream always belonged to others in her life?

She picked up her fork before glancing at Abbott. “I guess I have a lot to think about.”

Abbott nodded. “Good. So will you at least consider talking to Gracie?”

Whitney took a deep breath. “Sure.”

Abbott grabbed her hand. “I’m glad to hear it. You owe yourself the opportunity to let go of this pseudo-life and be who you really want to be. Live the life you deserve. Live life, period.”

Whitney smiled before forcing down a forkful of her salad.

She couldn’t see herself leaving Gibson and Grey, but she’d humor Abbott. Plus, it wasn’t like handing over a résumé would irrevocably change her life.

“Wake up, Whitney.”

“Huh?”

“We’re here.”

She looked out of the windshield
of Chace’s SUV. She could only see as far ahead as the headlights cut through the darkness. Trees, for as far as the eye could see. Nothing but trees.

It was five-thirty in the morning. And she wasn’t asleep in her bed. At home. The trip was already starting to seem like a bad idea. Was seeing the sunrise over the valley really worth the lack of sleep?