Holding a Tender Heart (5 page)

L
ater that evening and still in her graduation dress, Debbie drove her car back toward Lewistown. The rest of the afternoon hadn't gone well—at least not since she'd taken Lois home. Bishop Beiler hadn't been at the house, but Verna, Ida, and Saloma were. Lois had wasted no time before launching into an excited recitation of the day's events, complete with the declaration that she wanted to attend college.

“I had nothing to do with this,” Debbie protested. Beyond that, she didn't dare elaborate. Lois was still her friend, even with her over-the-top admiration of the
Englisha
world. So there Debbie stood in the Beiler house caught between two competing forces: Lois's desire to experience what Debbie had and the Beiler family's traditional way of life, which Debbie loved.

In a way, Debbie could sympathize with Lois. After all, didn't she harbor impossible dreams? And didn't she wish someone would give her encouragement in those dreams? The only difference was Lois's community had religious reasons for their objections, while her parents had only their personal preferences. Still, both were strongly held positions.

Thankfully, Lois hadn't repeated her suggestion that Debbie move into the Beiler household. Such an idea presented now might
look like Debbie was scheming with Lois to bring such a thing about. Still, the more Debbie thought about it, the more the possibility appealed to her. If only the bishop could be persuaded…

Debbie sighed. It was complicated. Like the conversation that had continued at the Beilers' until she'd finally spoken against Lois's badgering. “Lois, you'd better listen to your mother's advice. You don't know what lies out there in my world. There are a lot of bad things, and life can be very hard. And you'd have to get your GED before you attend college. That's four grades to make up.” She said this for Lois's long-term well-being and in defense of the rich Amish heritage Lois had grown up with. Debbie could tell Saloma was comforted by her words. Beyond expressing her opinion, Debbie couldn't do more.

“
Ach
, Lois,” Saloma pleaded, “you're overly excited from the day's events. A good night's sleep will set your mind at ease again. The things of the world come and go. They might look good today, but tomorrow the glory of them passes like the flowers in the field.” Saloma turned toward her guest. “Is this not true, Debbie?”

“Yes, it is,” Debbie answered without hesitation.

Saloma ushered her outside then and smiled with gratitude on the front porch. “Thank you so much, Debbie. We'll talk more with Lois later. I know it's not your fault she gets these wild ideas into her head.”

Debbie had left, but her heart was still troubled…and stayed that way all afternoon. For Lois and for herself something must change, but what? And now Debbie's own mother wanted her out of the house. She hadn't come right out and said it, but Debbie knew her mom well enough to know that she did indeed think it was time her daughter moved on with her life…beginning with leaving the nest.

As she drove the back roads toward Lewistown for her dinner date with Doug, Debbie was using this roundabout way to give her time to think. And no one would think anything about it if she just happened to go past Alvin Knepp's place. Maybe he would wave to her if he were outside. That might be enough to cheer her up.

Thoughts from Lois's suggestion earlier in the day ran through her mind. Was there a way to persuade Bishop Beiler to agree to let her move in? Perhaps if she brought the subject up in the right context? Moving in with an Amish family would be the answer to so many things. If she needed to step out on her own, why not step out into the place her dreams led—being with the Amish? She probably could never truly become one, but why not indulge the fantasy for a few months or a few years and see what it was really like?

She didn't know that much about Amish dating habits—only the little pieces of information Lois and her sisters had dropped along the way. And she knew enough from them to recognize courting couples when she saw an Amish man driving his “courting buggy” with a young woman close beside him on the seat. What if she could stay at the Beiler place until she knew what she really wanted to do with her life? Oh, if only it could work…

Debbie's thoughts drifted to Alvin as she approached his farm. Did he have a courting buggy? She'd never seen one parked in front of his barn when she drove by. But that didn't mean anything. It could be inside the barn and all dust covered since Alvin hadn't dated—as far as she knew. She'd dared to ask Lois once. The question aroused less suspicion than she'd feared. Apparently Alvin wasn't considered a very desirable dating option within the Amish community. Lois didn't say why other than to mention that Alvin had been scorned by Mildred Schrock. Mildred had been a school crush of Alvin's apparently. Debbie hadn't asked for more details because Lois had turned up her nose at the very mention of Alvin's name.

Debbie slowed as she approached the Knepp driveway. Off the road was a white, two-story house set on a small knoll. Fields stretched out on either side of the barn. The corn was already a foot high in the section to the east. A wagon appeared drawn by a team of horses. Debbie slowed even more. It was Alvin! He stood tall on the wagon as it bounced and rattled toward her.

As she drew abreast of him, he waved in her direction. A friendly, noncommittal sort of wave, Debbie thought as she waved back. She
was pretty sure he'd recognized her. She'd seen him once when they were both at the Beiler place. Her cheeks burned at the memory. Alvin hadn't even climbed out of his buggy that day, but he had smiled when she nodded to him on her way out of the driveway.

Debbie accelerated and drove out of sight. She could still feel the flush of heat on her cheeks. What was wrong with her anyway? Was she infatuated with this Amish man? Her mother would have a fit and a half if she ever suspected such a thing! She glanced at her watch and drove faster, soon approaching Lewistown. She glanced at her watch again. If she didn't hurry, there would be a call from Doug asking where she was. Well, that was something Alvin would never do. He'd probably never been to an
Englisha
restaurant in his life, much less did he own a cell phone.

Such a life—a life with such a boyfriend as Alvin—would be all about freedom. There would be no hurry to meet deadlines. Such a man would have no dates with women who didn't wish to see him. He'd pass the hours of his day peacefully until nightfall, when he'd gather with his family and everyone would enjoy each other's company. When was the last time she'd gathered with her parents at home? For anything other than Christmas or Thanksgiving?

Debbie pushed the thoughts of her parents and, especially, Alvin Knepp away. What chance had she to gain the attention of a decent Amish man? None.

She pulled into the parking lot at Andrea's Pizzeria and rushed inside to find Doug already waiting at a table.

“Good to see you, Debbie,” Doug said as he stood. He appraised her with a quick look and approving smile. “How was your big day?”

“It was fine, Doug.” She sat down. “I wish you could have been there.”

Doug pulled up his chair. “I know. I wish I could have too. I had a work assignment that I couldn't get out of. You do understand?”

“Sure, I understand. To be honest, I really didn't enjoy it that much myself. I'm glad it's over.”

“Really? I loved my graduation day. I knew it marked the beginning of a new life for me. A life of success and achievement. I'm well on my way to that goal. And you will be too, Debbie. You should be happy about the great things ahead for you…and for
us
.”

Debbie ignored his remark, her mind drifting. “There's got to be some way Bishop Beiler can be persuaded,” she murmured.

“What? Is this some kind of riddle?” Doug stared at her as the waitress came up.

Debbie waited until they'd given their orders before she answered. “Sorry, Doug. I'm off in my own world right now. The truth is that what you think of as success, I think of as drudgery. A successful career and all that goes with it—the money, the ambition, the climb to the top—just don't interest me.”

“Then what does interest you?”

Debbie smiled as she answered. “You'll never understand, Doug. But I think I'd like to move into the Amish community. I'm wondering if they'll let me.”

“This is a joke, right?” Doug asked, his gaze piercing hers. “I'm not getting it. What's the punch line?”

“There's no punch line, Doug.”

Doug leaned forward. “You're not serious are you, Debbie? I mean, all of us have our fantasies, but joining the Amish never was one of mine. And for you I never imagined it either.”

“I probably couldn't join their faith…at least not at first,” Debbie said, not looking at Doug. “Mom wants me out of the house as soon as possible. If I have to pay room and board somewhere, I'm hoping it can be with the Beilers. They have the rooms upstairs their two boys left when they married. It would be perfect for me—if they'll have me, of course. That's the big question.”

Doug was dumbfounded. “Debbie, you're not making the least bit of sense!”

“Does my life make sense now, Doug?” Debbie leaned forward on the table. “Ask yourself that question. Do I really fit in with your
world…your plans…your future?” There! She'd said it. Let the chips fall where they may.

The waitress arrived with their food, so neither of them said anything for a while.

Doug picked up his pizza, broke off a small piece, and popped it into his mouth.

For once Debbie knew what she wanted to say. “Would you mind if we prayed before we eat?”

“Whoa!” He wiped his brow of imaginary sweat. “What has gotten into you, woman? We've
never
done that before.”

“Maybe it's time we did. Or time I did, anyway.”

He laughed and put down his pizza. “I don't get you, Debbie. Really, I don't.”

“Well, I'm praying,” Debbie said, bowing her head. When she looked up moments later, she noticed Doug had done the same, although he appeared red in the face.

“You're really getting out of my league, Debbie. I don't know what to say. You've changed.”

“Yes, I suppose I have,” she said. “I guess finally finishing college and getting a job have made me change. Made me take stock of what I really want.”

He touched her hand. “What do you really want, Debbie? I asked you to come here to talk about our future, hoping
that
is what you want. We go back many years. All through college I've waited for you, Debbie. I haven't dated any other girls because I like you. And occasionally you've given me encouragement to believe you feel the same way about me as I do about you. Has it all been for nothing? Is that how this is going to turn out?”

She met his gaze. “I honestly don't know, Doug. It's just that I've been thinking the past few days. Wondering how I can find peace with the way things are in our world.”

“So you're serious about the Amish thing?” His fingers moved on her hand.

Debbie sighed. “I'm serious about finding out if I might fit. Although with me, who knows? I go up and down like a yo-yo. Scared of my own shadow. Afraid to step out and pursue what I really want. This morning an Amish girl embarrassed me. She has more nerve than I do, Doug. She's surrounded by a family and a community who oppose her feelings and beliefs, yet she dares to express them. Maybe nothing will come of it, but she at least speaks what she wants. And yet I don't dare say similar words to those I love. What kind of courage is that?”

Doug leaned back in his chair. “So where does that leave us, Debbie? Are you saying I'm wrong for you?”

“Doug, please.” She touched his arm. “I didn't mean it like that. This really is about me.”

“Sounds an awfully lot like you're sending me off gently into the night.”

“Doug, I don't mean to hurt you. I'd never intentionally do that. I guess I've told you this because you were the closest person to me when it first wanted to spill out.”

“Doesn't that tell you something?” he asked. “I'm you're listening ear. You need me.”

“Doug, you're sweet.” She tried to smile. “You've always been sweet to me. You
are
a good listening ear. But I think it's obvious we need to take a break in our relationship. I need the freedom to find out what I really want my future to look like.”

He looked away and let out a long breath. “I wish we'd had this talk a long time ago.”

Doug finished his pizza slice, and Debbie nibbled at her piece. Further talk seemed unnecessary. When they'd finished, they stood and walked to the counter. Doug paid at the register, and she waited until he was ready to walk outside.

“Thanks for the dinner,” she said. “I'm sorry it worked out this way. You deserve better…”

“Thanks for the years we've known each other, Debbie. I don't
understand what you really want, but whatever it is, I hope you find it.”

“You've always been kind, Doug,” Debbie said. She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. That it had turned out like this surprised her. She hadn't known what would happen, but now that it had, maybe it was for the best. At least she couldn't turn back now. She knew she had to pursue her dream. “Goodbye, Doug.”