Hold Us Close (Keep Me Still) (11 page)

T
he moment Landen drops to his knee in front of me is the happiest moment of my entire life. I’m acutely aware of every single smiling face in the auditorium as they clap and smile. The light catches the ring as I hold it out for everyone to see.

Time slows and I hear my own breathing.

In. Out. Blink.

“Oh, God. Layla,” I hear his tortured voice say from far away.

And then…silence.

I
climb in the ambulance, answering the paramedics’ questions as rapidly as they fire them off at me. How far along is she? Is she on medication?

I tell them everything I know, choking out the words over the lump of panic rising in my throat. Once they go to work on inserting Layla’s IV, I yank my phone from my pocket and call the number Dr. Sanderson was able to get me for Dr. Kirkowitz’s office.

A nurse promises to page him. I’m practically screaming at her that it’s an emergency when she hangs up.

It might be seconds, or minutes later, when my phone buzzes in my hand.

“Dr. Kirkowitz?”

“Mr. O’Brien. My nurse said it was an emergency. I’m guessing Layla is going into labor.”

“I don’t know. She had a seizure. She’s unconscious. We’re on our way to the hospital right now. Can you meet us?”

He clears his throat. “Landen, I want you to know that I got your letter. I was once an underserving jerk myself and my wife, God rest her soul, was an angel as well. But without prior knowledge of Layla’s—”

“Can you meet us or not? Look, please, just come to University Hospital as soon as possible. Please, I’m begging.”

I hear him sigh on the other end. I’m a millisecond from losing control of myself when he finally speaks. “I’ll be right there.”

The ambulance jerks to a stop as I disconnect the call. I owe Dr. Sanderson my life for talking us to staying in California.

“Her doctor is on his way,” I call out after them as they whisk her into the doors to the ER.

Now all I can do is wait.

T
here’s a faint beeping sound in the distance. A bright light above me. People talking. But I can’t make out what they’re saying.

I want to ask them something but I can’t remember what it is.

And then…darkness.

S
ixteen. It’s how old you have to be to drive a car in most states. And it’s also the number of hours I spend in the deepest, darkest pit of hell wondering if the two most important women in my life are going to make it.

Wondering if I’m going to have to live in a world where Layla doesn’t exist. Where the tiny creature with Layla’s chin, according to the ultrasound picture, has been taken from me before she’s even had a chance to wrap me around her tiny little finger.

Kate, Corin, Skylar, and my mom surround me in the private waiting room. But I don’t want them here. I don’t want anyone here. I don’t want to have ever existed.

“She’s so strong, Landen. She’s the strongest girl I know,” is all Corin can say. Over and fucking over as I clench my hands in my hair and stare at the floor. They’ve all developed these little chants of reassurance. What none of them say is, “It’s going to be okay.”

Because no one knows if it really is.

I’m being punished
, is all I can think to myself. Punished for forcing myself into her life. For taking her to Spain with me instead of letting her live her own life. Punished for taking her virginity, for getting her pregnant before we were married. For the way I reacted when she first told me the news. For being the colossal fuck-up my dad always said I was. For not being able to get a handle on my own anger. I ruined my angel. And now she’s paying for my weaknesses.

“Waiting is the hardest part,” my mom says softly from somewhere beside me.

But she’s wrong. If some doctor comes out here and tells me they didn’t make it, or that one of them did but the other didn’t, that will be the hardest part. Getting out of bed tomorrow with the world going on like everything good in it didn’t cease to exist will be the hardest part. Looking at myself in the mirror and wishing I could go with them but knowing Layla would never forgive me for taking my own life will be the hardest part.

“Family of Layla Flaherty?” a voice says into the dimly lit room.

I literally propel myself out of the seat and towards the voice. And then I freeze where I’m standing. Because if the news is bad, I don’t want it. I want one more minute, one more hour, where I can believe she can still be okay. If she’d left this world, wouldn’t I have felt it somehow?

“I’m her husb—fiancé,” I tell the man.
Please God, please give me a chance to be her husband. Please
. “Are they okay?” My voice breaks, and the doctor makes a face I can’t decipher.

The man in scrubs—
fuck,
blood-covered scrubs—is a head shorter than me, but he holds my whole damned life in his hands. “Dr. Kirkowitz is coming to speak with you shortly.” He must see my wild I’m-about-to-grab-you-and-shake-you-senseless expression because he rushes on. “They’re okay,” he informs us with a nod. “Mom just came out of surgery and is sedated, but baby is in the nursery and is healthy.”

“Thank you. Oh God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” It takes everything I have to keep from dropping to my knees then and there.

“Can we see them?” Corin asks from within the huddle that’s gathered behind me.

“Of course.”

I don’t wait to hear anything else before tearing out of the room and through the double doors. “Flaherty?” I bark at a nurse walking past, who points a dry erase board on the wall.

Rec Rm 1, it says next to her name.

“Where is Recovery Room one?” I bark again, barely resisting the urge to grab the tiny woman and shake her.

“Far end, last on the left,” the same nurse tells me, eying me cautiously.

Of course. Layla’s always made me work for it.

I sprint to the room, damn near ripping the door off the hinges as I yank it open. The soft white curtain is pulled closed, so I step around it. “Layla? Baby?”

Her head is bandaged and her eyes are closed. She’s so pale her skin is nearly translucent, and her blonde hair fades into the pale yellow bed sheets. Why isn’t she moving?

“She’s sedated,” the nurse, who must’ve followed me in, says quietly. “But she’s okay. Surgery was successful.”

“I n-need…”
Dammit, breathe, O’Brien
. “I need to see her. I need her to open her eyes and tell me she’s okay herself.”

“She’ll come around. Just be patient.”

Story of my life, lady.

Stroking what I can reach of Layla’s hair, I lean down and place a gentle kiss on her bandage, then on each of her eyelids, then on her nose before pressing my lips to hers.

“I hope your name is Landen. Otherwise my fiancé’s going to be super pissed,” she murmurs against my lips.

Startled shock shoves a noise from my throat and I step back. “Oh God, oh dear God. I have never been so scared in my entire life. You can never, ever, ever leave me. Ever.”

Everything that’s been holding me rigid loosens, and I bend, letting my head fall to her chest so I can hear the beautiful music of her heartbeat. Tears burn fiery trails down my face, but wiping them would require moving.

“I won’t. Well, I’ll try not to. Landen, I don’t understand. What happened?” Her small hand reaches up and fingers the bandage on her head. And then her eyes widen in panic as she reaches for her stomach.

The monitors around us begin beeping like crazy. “Shh, babe, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. Breathe.”

“H-how is she, Landen? Is she okay?” I can see in her eyes she’s doing the same thing I was. Stalling for a few more minutes of hope. “Can I see her?”

I grin. “She’s healthy. The doctor told me just before I came in. Want me to have them bring her in?”

“Yes, more than anything.” She’s breathing so heavily that I’m worried, but I know it’s excitement more than anything.

“Baby, you have to take it easy. As soon as the C-section was over, Dr. Kirkowitz performed the laser removal of your hematoma.”

“He did? Wait, how—”

“Hey now, your aunt isn’t the only one that can pull strings. I’m a pretty big deal, you know.” I wink at her and she smiles.

“Did they say how the surgery went? Am I, I mean is it…gone?” Her voice is strained. I would get her some water if I could stand to be more than five inches away from her.

“The doctor said it went well. He removed the hematoma but I didn’t wait around for details. I needed to see you.”

As much as I don’t want to tear myself from Layla’s side, I’m as anxious to meet our daughter as she is. And I’m terrified. I’m thrilled that we’re meeting her together, that she’s healthy and has two living parents who love her. I could probably combust at any second. So I step into the hall and ask a different nurse, since the previous one has seemingly vanished, to bring in our daughter. From down the hall, I see my mom and Kate and the others heading our way.

“Can she have visitors?” Corin asks as they approach.

“Yeah, but she’s been through a lot so just…you know...”

We’ve all barely squeezed quietly back into the room when a male nurse wheels a clear plastic cart in. Skylar claps me hard on the back. A pink bundle with a tiny soccer ball beanie on her head is wrapped inside. And then it hits me. I’m somebody’s dad.

Please, please don’t let me fuck this up.

Just as I wait for The Colonel’s voice to remind me that of course I’ll fuck it up, someone clears his throat in the doorway. I’m holding our daughter as Layla smiles sleepily at us with tears in her eyes. And he’s here. The Colonel—in all his fully uniformed glory.

“How about we let Layla hold her?” my mom suggests, nodding to The Colonel and silently telling me to go speak with him.

Other than a phone call while I was at Axis, it’s been years since we’ve spoken. Placing a kiss on Layla’s and then my daughter’s head, I hand Roxanne Hope O’Brien over to my mom.

“Be right back, baby,” I promise Layla before I walk over to The Colonel. “Didn’t expect to see you here, sir,” I say, shaking my father’s hand stiffly.

“Your mother called, and I just—”

I wait as patiently as I can while he clears his throat, but I’m practically twitching to get back to my family.
My family.
Jesus, what did I ever do right to deserve this? “Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say congratulations,” he finishes.

He came all the way from Georgia to California to say congratulations?

“Okay. Thank you, sir.”

I glance over to see Corin assisting Layla so she can hold Hope. We’ve decided she’s going by her middle name—like her father. My career will have us moving around a lot and I don’t want guys using 80’s music lyrics as a way to charm their way into the new girl’s pants. Suddenly I hate every single person with a dick on the planet. Layla’s propped up and looking more alert than I expected while Kate and my mom take pictures.

God she’s so damn beautiful.

“Well, I’ll let you get back,” T“Well, I’ll let you get back,” ts he’r some odd reason :)t erring to her at this moment. But, if you want to leave it as it is the Colonel tells me, gesturing towards my daughter and soon-to-be wife. “Good seeing you…son.”

He nods, and so do I. “Yeah. Thanks.”

He looks so…sad. Looking at him, I see a version of myself. The one I likely would have become if not for Layla. I feel bereft, but what else is there to say?

“Landen.” I hear Layla call my name softly, but firmly, from across the room. She tilts her head towards The Colonel’s retreating figure, and I know what she’s reminding me of. You don’t measure love in the number of chances you’re willing to give someone. Love doesn’t run out of chances.

God knows she’s given me more than I deserve.

“Colonel? Um, dad?” I call out.

“Yes?” He turns back around to face me with his brows raised.

I shift on my feet. “Do you maybe want to hold her? Get a picture for the baby book? Since you came all this way, I mean.”

A smile transforms my father’s face into a version of him I can’t remember ever seeing before. “I would like that, very much, yes.”

And somehow, some way, Layla has given me everything I’ve ever wanted and didn’t know I needed. That girl, that beautiful girl who floated through the halls like an unseen angel, who suffered such a devastating loss before I met her, has touched my life, brightened it, formed it. Made it worth living and helped me to focus on living it instead of punishing myself.

She gave me the strength to forgive. Kept me still when I was weak and stupid, when I lost my temper, when I got scared and ran and nearly made the biggest mistake of my life. And I vow, here and now, watching everyone fall in love with my perfect daughter before my very eyes, to never take a single second for granted. If Layla’s surgery went as well as they say, she won’t need me to keep her still anymore.

But it doesn’t matter. I’m still keeping her forever.