Hold on to your Dreams (16 page)

The weeks were slipping by, and although Florence was conscious, there was no further improvement in her condition.

Gertrude gazed out of the window at the rain. It was a deluge. Two weeks into February and it seemed to have been raining since the beginning of the month. To add to the depression, no more letters had been received from Edward. Her mother asked every day, and every day was disappointed. She could lie and pretend they’d heard from him, but that wouldn’t be fair, and could lead to complications. If her mother believed Edward was contacting them regularly she might begin to question why he wasn’t visiting her when she was so ill. She couldn’t tell her he was in the army and miles away fighting a war. The doctor had warned them not to do or say anything that might make Florence become agitated, and if she knew where her son was she’d be frantic with worry.

Running a hand over her eyes, Gertrude stifled a sigh. The sleepless nights and continual worry were taking a toll on her health, and she didn’t feel at all well this morning. She was weary beyond anything she had ever experienced before, and full of doubts. After long discussions with her father, they had decided to keep the news of where Edward was from her mother, but were they right to do so?

‘Gertie, I’ve brought someone to see you.’

She spun round; surprised someone had entered the room without her hearing them. ‘David, how … Millie! Don’t you look smart, and it’s lovely to see you again.’

‘Hello, Miss.’ Millie rushed up and took hold of her hands. ‘Mr Gardener was coming to see you and I asked him to let me come with him. Me and Fred miss seeing you. You don’t come to the office no more, and Fred said you haven’t been to the workshop for ages.’

‘I know, but Mother is dreadfully ill and I don’t like to leave the house.’

‘I’ve told her time and time again to go out.’ Hanna came into the room. ‘She deserves some time to herself, but do you think she listens to me? Hello, David … and you must be Millie. I’ve heard a lot about you.’

‘You must be Aunt Hanna,’ Millie said, smiling. ‘I heard a lot about you, too.’

‘Of course you have.’ Hanna held out her hand. ‘Pleased to meet you at last.’

They shook hands, then Hanna ordered them to sit down. ‘I’ll see tea is brought in.’

‘We can’t stay long.’ David remained standing. ‘I’m on my way to see Alex.’

‘Ah yes, how is he?’

‘Very well.’

‘Good.’ She left the room briefly to arrange for refreshments, and when she returned, she said, ‘Do sit down, David. You can spare us half an hour, can’t you?’

He sat.

Hanna gave a grunt of satisfaction, turning her attention back to Millie. ‘And how are you getting on, young lady? Do you like your job?’

‘Oh yes.’ Gertrude’s aunt didn’t appear to intimidate Millie. ‘It’s a real good job, and I’m learning a lot. Fred’s happy too. We’re very lucky. Best thing that ever happened to us was when we met Miss.’

‘I’m pleased for you.’

‘What have you been doing, Millie?’ Gertrude asked. ‘Have you visited the bookshop lately?’

Millie smirked. ‘Yes, and he don’t throw us out now we’ve got a few coins in our pockets. We treated ourselves to a pot of tea one day in the teashop, and do you know, they remembered us. Ever so nice, they was. They asked after you.’

Gertrude laughed, remembering the happy times they’d spent together. It was only a few weeks ago, but it seemed a lifetime away. So much had happened in such a short time, and her life had changed beyond recognition.

‘And we had a little holiday. We ain’t never had one before. It was lovely. Sir sent his carriage for me, Fred, Johnny, May, and her mum. And Mr Gardener, of course. We stayed at Sir’s house in the country.’

‘Sir?’ Hanna looked at David.

‘Alex,’ he told her.

Gertrude was astonished, not sure she’d heard correctly. ‘You stayed at his house?’

‘That’s right.’ Millie then launched into great detail about their visit. ‘Little May’s trotting around now, a bit slow, but steady as you like on her legs. The doc’s gonna keep an eye on her while she grows, but he said she should be fine now. She loves Mr Gardener and laughs when he calls her sweetheart.’

‘That’s really good news, and so generous of Alex, isn’t it, Gertie?’ Hanna glanced pointedly at her niece.

‘Very.’ She nodded, even more stunned. It was hard to imagine Mr Glendale entertaining a group of children in his home.

The tea arrived then and Millie immediately took over the task of pouring. ‘It looks like he’s courting, don’t it, Mr Gardener? Nice lady, you said.’

‘She’s quite lovely,’ he said. ‘I met her when we were staying with Alex.’

‘Needs a nice wife.’ Millie handed round the cups. ‘Good man like that should have a family of his own.’

‘Is this true, David?’ Hanna asked. ‘Has he settled on someone?’

‘I would say so.’

‘Then I’m pleased. He’s wasted enough time waiting for someone else to show an interest.’

The conversation around Gertrude faded, and for the first time she saw what she had done – and why. It was the why that shook her the most. Her thoughts went back to the first time she’s seen him. They’d been at a summer
ball when her aunt had brought him over. She remembered watching as he walked towards them, his movements fluid and graceful for such a tall man. The shock she’d felt when he’d fixed his green eyes on her had sent a flare of panic through her. Never having experienced anything like it before, she had convinced herself she didn’t like him, and wanted nothing to do with him. But that wasn’t true. What she had felt was something quite different. It had been the strong pull of attraction – and perhaps more. She’d been too unworldly and inexperienced to recognise what had happened. It had taken the news of his interest in someone else to wake her up.

Her head swam as she admitted to herself how she really felt about him. She loved him, and had done so from the moment she’d seen him, and now she’d lost any chance of the happiness she might have had with him. It served her right! It was only what she deserved after the way she had treated him. She didn’t blame him at all for wanting nothing else to do with her.

Gripping the arms of the chair, she bowed her head as faintness swept in.

‘Gertie!’ Her aunt was pushing her head between her knees. ‘Come on, darling, don’t faint. Deep breaths now … there’s a good girl.’

‘Take it easy, Miss, you’re all right. We’re all here.’ Millie was kneeling in front of her.

‘She’s exhausted,’ David said angrily. ‘This has got to stop, Hanna. The burden is too much for her.’

Gertrude was aware of voices and hands holding her, but she was drained of all strength. The events of the
last few weeks had finally caught up with her.

‘Yes, it is too much,’ her father declared, as he rushed into the room. ‘I’ve been selfish leaving her to deal with the medical bills, the business books, and staying with her mother. You’re right, David, it’s got to stop. And it will.’

She tried to tell her father that it was all right, but somehow the words wouldn’t come.

Strong arms swept her out of the chair. ‘You’re going to bed for a long rest. I’m so sorry, my darling. I should never have allowed things to get so bad!’

The daylight was fading when Gertrude woke up. She sat upright, frowning. What was she doing in bed? There was so much to do.

‘Oh, no you don’t.’ Her attempt to get out of bed was stopped. ‘I’ve got my orders. You’re staying here.’

‘Millie! What on earth are you doing here?’

‘Mr Gardener said I was to stay with you. You fainted.’

‘I did not!’

‘It’s no good you arguing with me. You fainted and we’re worried about you. They’re all downstairs and I’ve got to go and tell them you’re awake.’ Millie wagged a finger at her. ‘Don’t you dare get out of bed while I’m gone.’

‘I can’t stay here. This is ridiculous. I’m perfectly all right.’

‘The doc says you can’t get up until tomorrow, and then only for a couple of hours.’

‘The doctor wasn’t called, surely?’ She was horrified to have caused so much trouble.

‘No, he came to see your mum, but he took a look at you as well. Your dad insisted. Beside himself with worry, he is, so stay in that bed,’ Millie told her sternly, straightening the cover where Gertrude had tried to get up. ‘I don’t want to see one piece of bedding out of place.’

‘Are you having trouble, Millie?’ Sutton walked over to his daughter, his expression grim. ‘Do as you’re told, my darling.’

‘Oh, Father, I’m so sorry, but I’m quite well now. I had a dizzy spell, that’s all.’

‘You are not all right. You’ve lost too much weight. I’ve disowned my son, my wife is seriously ill, and I will
not
watch you suffer because of my selfishness. I’ve been relying on my brave daughter to shoulder too much of the burden, and been too preoccupied to notice what was happening. That stops now! And I’m going to have a word with your mother. I know she’s been frightening you by saying you could be left with nothing.’

‘Father, you mustn’t do anything to upset her.’ She clasped his hand tightly. ‘She probably doesn’t know what she’s saying.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with her mind, and she’s got to be made to realise what she’s doing to you.’ He released her hand and strode out of the room.

‘Oh, Millie,’ she moaned. ‘What a mess, and all because I had a dizzy spell.’

‘And I want to know what caused it.’ David came into the room, and put his hand on Millie’s shoulder to make her stay where she was. ‘Your father said I could see you, and I want to know why you suddenly keeled over.’

‘I was overtired, that’s all.’

‘Don’t lie to me, Gertie, I know you too well. You were perfectly fine when we arrived.’

‘No I wasn’t. I was trying not to show how unwell I was feeling.’

Fred’s face appeared at the open door. ‘Can I come in? Aunt Hanna said you needed cheering up.’

David beckoned him in. ‘When did you arrive, Fred?’

‘Just got here. I brought a message for Mr Melrose.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re here. I’m trying to make Gertie tell us why she went all faint down there.’

‘Aunt Hanna told me what you’d been talking about and it’s easy to put two and two together.’

They all stared at him in amazement.

David collected chairs from around the room, placed them by the bed, then sat down with Millie and Fred on either side of him. ‘Right, tell us what you think happened.’

‘This is ridiculous,’ Gertrude protested. ‘Will you please stop this nonsense. Women faint sometimes, and I’m supposed to be resting.’

‘Ignore her,’ David said. ‘Carry on, Fred. I want to hear your theory.’

‘Yes, so do I.’ Hanna joined them and sat on the end of the bed.

‘I’m surrounded,’ Gertrude groaned.

‘Of course you are.’ Hanna smiled at everyone gathered around. ‘You’re surrounded by people who love you, and we want to know what the devil that little episode was all about. Talk, Fred.’

‘Well, you said Miss was real happy to see you all, and
there wasn’t nothing wrong with her until you started talking about Sir. I reckon that’s what upset her.’

All eyes fixed on her and she slid down in the bed. Fred was far too perceptive. How was she going to get out of this?

‘I do believe you could be right.’ David studied her closely. ‘I thought you didn’t like Alex?’

There was nowhere to hide, so she sat up straight. ‘I can change my mind, can’t I?’

‘It’s a bit late!’ Hanna snorted inelegantly. ‘Do you really think he is serious about this other girl, David?’

‘It looks that way. She’s the daughter of Lord Chester, and a charming girl.’

‘Ah, yes, I’ve met her. Quite a beauty.’

‘Absolutely lovely!’

‘Oh, not you as well.’ Catching the wistful note in David’s voice, Hanna raised her hands in disgust. ‘I swear the two of you need your heads banged together. I’ll go and find out if dinner’s ready. You’ll stay and eat with us as well, Fred.’

Fred smirked as Hanna left the room. ‘Everything sounds like an order from your aunt.’

‘It is!’ Gertrude looked at David, frowning. ‘What was she talking about?’

‘Your aunt doesn’t miss much. She means that we’ve both chosen the wrong time and the wrong people to fall in love with.’

‘Oh, you liked Lord Chester’s daughter when you met. I’m so sorry. What a mess!’ She rested back and closed her eyes. ‘I had my chance and threw it away. There’s no one
to blame but myself, but if you’re right, you’ll never have a chance with the young lady.’

‘I wouldn’t even if Alex wasn’t interested in her. I’m just an ordinary working man.’

‘You’re not ordinary!’ she exclaimed angrily. ‘You’re an intelligent, loving man, and don’t you dare think of yourself as unworthy!’

‘There’s a true friend talking.’ He gave a wry smile, and then turned his attention to Fred and Millie, who had been listening with rapt attention. ‘And if you tell Alex what’s been said here today I’ll never speak to you again! Is that understood?’

The youngsters nodded, then Millie said, ‘We wouldn’t do nothing to hurt either of you. We’ll keep our mouths shut because we love you all.’

‘That’s right,’ Fred declared. ‘Millie’s mum says no good comes from gossiping about other people. But you mustn’t lose hope, as it might not work out with Sir and the lady.’

‘You mean we must hold on to our dreams?’ Gertrude said gently, touched by their affection.

‘That’s right.’ Fred nodded. ‘No one knows what’s gonna happen in the future. Things often have a habit of working out for the best.’

‘Not this time,’ Gertrude murmured under her breath.

The sea crossing had been purgatory. Edward had soon discovered he was not a good sailor, but the relief of standing once again on solid ground had been short-lived. He crouched behind a rock, listening to the officers shouting, and the men cursing. They’d run into an ambush on the way to a place called Ladysmith, which had been under siege by the Boers since early November.

Keeping low, he wriggled along, oblivious to bullets thudding around him. It was chaos, and he wondered how many of them would be alive after they got out of this. The Boers had the advantage of surprise and were making the most of the confusion. The British forces were scattered around a gully in small groups, and unless they re-formed he couldn’t see how they could mount an organised attack.

Hearing an agonised scream, he turned in the direction it had come from. About thirty feet away was a group of
soldiers, and one was holding his side, writhing in pain. It was Jack, who was little more than a boy. He’d been kind to Edward on the voyage and they’d become friends.

Anger flared through him. He was damned if he was going to let Jack die! He knew he was in the only relatively safe place, and the officers were doing all they could to get the men into the gully where there was some protection from the attack. Without giving it a second thought he scrambled to his knees, then in a crouched run he made for the isolated men.

‘Ed, I’m hurt,’ Jack gasped as Edward reached him.

‘There’s a medic in the gully. I’ll take you there.’ He gathered Jack up and put him over his shoulder, ignoring the cries of pain coming from his friend, and then he nodded to the other men. ‘Follow me. You’ll be picked off one by one if you stay here.’

Much to everyone’s surprise they all made it back, and Jack was immediately taken from him.

‘Come on men!’ the sergeant bellowed. ‘You saw that. These man made it safely and so can you!’

There was movement all over the hillside as men began to run, throwing themselves into the gully. It was frantic as encouragement was shouted to the running men. They lost a couple, of course, but not as many as expected. The majority came through safely.

‘Well done, Melrose,’ the sergeant said quietly. ‘That was just the example we needed. Now perhaps we’ll have a chance.’

‘I wasn’t going to let Jack die,’ he ground out between clenched teeth.

‘You could have got yourself killed, though.’

‘Not a chance.’ He couldn’t keep the disgust out of his voice. ‘I don’t deserve a merciful end. I’d like to see how Jack is.’

‘Go on, but don’t be long.’

A first aid section had been set up just outside the firing line, and he saw Jack at once. A dressing was being applied to his side and he was grimacing in pain. Relief flooded through Edward. At least his friend was still alive. In his arrogance he’d discarded a life-long friend, David, and it was only now he realised how precious real friendship was. He wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

‘How is he?’ he asked, sinking on to his knees beside Jack.

‘He’ll be all right.’ The medic tied the dressing in place and patted Jack’s shoulder. ‘You’ll do, soldier. The bullet went right through, and I don’t think any permanent damage has been done.’

‘It bloody hurts,’ Jack complained.

‘Of course it does, but you’ll heal. If you’d stayed on that hill you’d have probably bled to death.’

Jack reached out to grasp Edward’s arm. ‘Thanks Ed, that was damned brave of you. I’m in your debt. You let me know if there’s anything I can ever do for you.’

‘You looked after me on the ship when I was as sick as a dog. You don’t owe me a thing. Any of the men would have done the same. I got to you first, that’s all.’

Jack’s face clouded with worry. ‘Are we going to get out of this, Ed?’

‘Of course we are. The regiment’s re-formed now and we’ll attack. I must get back or I’ll be in trouble with the sergeant.’

Over the next couple of weeks many attempts were made to break the siege, and finally, at the end of February, they were successful.

Edward was bone weary as they rode into Ladysmith. Many of the men he’d started out with had been killed, but he had the satisfaction of knowing that Jack had been moved to a safe area to recover from his wounds. Jack reminded him of David, and the thought of home jolted him. He must try and get a letter to his mother. He’d promised Glendale he would write, and he hoped to God she was still alive. The thought of what he’d done to his family was like an open wound that wouldn’t heal.

The next day he was ordered to the officers’ quarters. He marched in, wondering what he’d done wrong, and was surprised to see the commander there, with other officers, and the sergeant.

‘At ease, Melrose.’

He did as ordered, and waited, trying to bring to mind whatever misdeed he had committed.

‘Your acts of heroism have been brought to our attention and verified. Your bravery is deemed worthy of the Victoria Cross. Congratulations, Melrose, you are a credit to the regiment. There will be a presentation parade in two days’ time.’

It took every ounce of Edward’s control to stop himself from bursting into hysterical laughter. A medal? Bravery?
Heroism? If they only knew the truth; he didn’t care if he lived or died! Only someone who didn’t value his life would have taken the chances he had. He wasn’t brave – he was a coward.

He snapped to attention and said the words he knew they all expected. ‘Thank you, sir. It’s a great honour.’

The sergeant followed him out and Edward glared at him. ‘Was this your doing?’

‘You deserve it for saving Jack Pendleton, not to mention all the other things you’ve done. Three men are still alive because of you.’

‘It’s a farce!’ Edward shook his head. ‘I was trying to get myself killed!’

‘You might believe that, but I don’t. Some men freeze under fire, unable to function properly. They can’t help it; it’s in their nature. But I’ve watched you closely. Your mind stays clear, and only after giving a situation careful consideration do you act. You’re still alive because you made the right decisions at the right time. Not only are you a good soldier, but you also have the mark of an officer. The army is where you belong.’

‘I certainly don’t belong anywhere else.’ Not having a place to call home had left a gaping hole in his life – an emptiness he doubted could ever be filled.

‘Then make the army your life,’ the sergeant suggested. ‘There’s a place here for you, and if you continue in the way you’ve started, respect and advancement could be yours. Think about it.’

Watching the sergeant march away, he thought of what the man had said. Respect was something he didn’t feel he
deserved, and was out of the question when he couldn’t respect himself. But perhaps he could climb up the ranks? He had nowhere else to go, and much to his surprise, he did seem to fit into army life. He enjoyed the comradeship, and had taken the danger, harsh conditions and discipline in his stride. The future had never entered his head, but perhaps he did belong here. For the time being, anyway.

‘Hi, Ed, I hear they’re giving you a medal.’

He spun round and a smile of real pleasure spread across his face. ‘Jack! I thought you’d be on your way home by now.’

‘No, they’ve decided I’m fit enough to fight again. I hear you’ve been doing crazy things while trying to break the siege.’ Jack slapped him on the back. ‘Come on, I’ll buy our hero a drink.’

‘Don’t call me that!’ Edward snapped.

‘From what I’ve heard it’s a miracle you didn’t get yourself killed. Let’s get that drink. I’m gasping.’

‘It’s only ten in the morning.’ Edward fell into step beside his friend. ‘But seeing it’s a celebration to mark your return, I’ll have one with you.’

Others soon joined them, and it turned into quite a party.

By the time Edward settled down late that evening to write a couple of letters, he was beginning to think the sergeant was right. This was now his home, and the regiment was his family. But even accepting that, he didn’t relish the thought of spending years as a soldier. What choice did he have, though?

Quite a few of the men had most of their pay sent to
someone in England, and he had decided to do the same. The money was going to David, with instructions for it to be given to his father. It was a meagre amount and would make little difference to the debt he’d left behind him, but he would feel as if he were doing something.

The first letter was to David, urging him to make his father take the money. If he refused, then he was to give it to his sister to use as she thought necessary. Gertie had a wise head and he knew he could trust her to do what was best for her family. He also asked forgiveness from David for not listening to him when he’d tried to stop him gambling. He ended by saying he would be pleased to hear from him with news of what was happening in London.

The next letter was to Alexander Glendale, telling him about the campaign to break the Ladysmith siege, knowing that as an ex-soldier he would be interested. He also thanked him for coming to the ship before they’d embarked, and hoped the short note had given his mother some comfort. He said nothing about the medal to either of them.

After sealing the letters he sat back, feeling more at peace than he’d done for some time. He could never undo the damage, or heal the distress he’d caused, but hoped they would see he was trying to reform and help.

‘You still up, Ed?’ Jack sat beside him and eyed the letters. ‘Been writing to your girl, have you?’

‘No, just keeping a promise I made before we sailed.’

Jack peered at one of the names. ‘Glendale? Do you know him?’

‘Yes. Why, do you?’

‘No, never met him, but he was an army officer. Got a reputation for being tough, but they say his men would have walked through hell for him.’

‘I can understand that.’ Edward glanced at Jack. ‘What have you been up to? Shouldn’t you be in bed?’

‘Been having a game of cards with some of the men.’

‘How much did you lose?’ Edward asked dryly.

‘Came out about even.’ Jack rattled the coins in his pocket and grinned. ‘I’ve never seen you playing. I’ll teach you if you don’t know how.’

‘No thanks,’ Edward said firmly. ‘I’m too well-acquainted with a pack of cards, and have learnt my lesson. I’ll never gamble again. So you be careful, Jack.’

‘Ah, lost a lot, did you?’

‘Too much. It cost me my family, home, and everything I loved. I’ve been disowned, and that’s why I’ve ended up here.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, Ed.’

‘So am I!’