Hold My Heart (29 page)

“That’s good.” I can’t. I can’t think about him without losing it. This is exactly why I need to leave this town. “Listen, Nelson, my side is hurting so I’m going to call it a day.”

It’s about dinner time anyway so I use that as a pretense to cut our conversation short. I grab my gear and say my goodbyes, leaving Nelson behind. He can deal with his wife.

Chapter 35

Tommy

I’m home for the night when there’s a knock on my door. I had better check the damn peephole this time.

Chris is on my doorstep. What the fuck.

“Open the door Tommy, I know you’re in there!” she yells. “I saw your eyeball through the peephole, Tommy, open up!”

Dammit. She’s so freaking bossy. Shit, I know she won’t leave until I open the damn door. I’ll make it quick and painless.

I open the door to find her standing there, her coward of a husband trying to duck around the corner.

I shoot him a deathly glare and he shrugs. “Sorry, man, she made me.” I shake my head in disgust. Traitor.

“What’s up, Chris?” I ask in a bored tone, complete with an eye roll.

“Nothing. I just wanted to say something so I figured I’d say it in person.”

I move aside, but she doesn’t come in. “I won’t keep you. I just wanted to congratulate you on being the biggest dumbass in the universe and messing up the best thing that ever happened to you.”

I open my mouth, but she raises a hand to silence me.

“I was there when Ileana woke up,” she says, immediately getting my attention.

“You know the first person she asked for?”

I go completely still.

“You. She asked for you.”

I don’t say a word. I really didn’t think she would.

“She asked Teague and the Cowardly Lion over there,” she points at Nelson, “and they wouldn’t tell her. They just left her. Alone.”

Alone
, just like I did. The thought is like a slap in my face.

“You know what happened next?”

I slowly shake my head no.

“She pressed the call button and I came into the room. First thing out of her mouth, you know what it was?” She pauses as she leans in. “‘Where’s Tommy? I need Tommy.’”

A fire I thought had extinguished sparks inside of me.

“She said she needed me?” My voice strangled, my eyes widen in disbelief.

“‘I need Tommy,’ she said. And I had to sit there and tell her about you. About her trashed apartment. You know why?” I shake my head no again. She continues, undeterred, “Because she thought you were dead.”

Jesus Christ
. Her words are a punch to my stomach. I think I’m going to be sick.

Last thing I wanted to do was hurt Lil. I thought I could stop hurting her by staying away, but my actions hurt her just as much. Everything is starting to dawn on me as Chris continues.

“She completely lost it. I’ve never, in all the years I’ve known Ileana, seen her so full of grief and despair. She sobbed. All because she thought she had lost you forever.”

Lil is the strongest person I know. I hear Chris, but I can’t imagine I could do that to her.

“She was hysterical. So I had to tell her how you quit the bureau.” I’m still frozen on the spot, holding the doorknob. My eyes are on the ground, as the realization of what I’ve done sinks in. I always thought Lil didn’t need me. That she stuck around for my sake. It never occurred to me she might need me as much as I need her.

“That morning she came here to see you? Do you know what she did after she left?”

This time I don’t even shake my head. I just look at Chris and finally take in her expression. It's full of heartbreak and frustration. She genuinely cares about Lil, and has been there for her when she needed it the most. Unlike me.

“She didn’t leave her apartment for days, Tommy. She cried herself to sleep. You know how I know? Cause every time I called her she was all nasally and stuffed up. She claimed allergies, but I knew better.”

Lil doesn’t have any allergies. Fuck.

“She doesn’t talk to anyone. She just goes to work, and back to her apartment. The only person that can do something about it is you. But your head is too far up your ass to realize it, and you’re really going to lose her forever.” She leans in quietly. “She’s leaving, Tommy, requesting a transfer.”

Her last statement feels like another blow to my gut. I open my mouth and she silences me again.

“I’m done. That’s all I had to say.” As she turns to leave, she stops, “Oh, and thanks for fucking her up more than she already was. She came out of that shell with you, Tommy, and now she’s burrowed up in there so far that she might never come out. She wouldn’t even come to dinner at our place tonight. She would rather stay home, alone.”

She pauses like she’s trying to send me some kind of message. I just blink at her.

“Home. Tonight. Alone.”

I’m still holding the door and I catch sight of Nelson; the son of a bitch can’t take his eyes off his wife. I just got served and he’s turned on. What an ass.

He finally looks up at me and snaps out of it. “Sorry, Colton.”

The hell he is. He’s getting laid tonight.

Chris walks away and leaves me standing there. She rips me a new one, and then, she's gone. I stand there and let everything sink in, frozen, still holding my door open.

Why am I still standing here? God, Chris is right. I am the biggest dumbass in the universe.

قلب

“Hi.”

She looks like I'm the last person she ever expected to see at her door. God she’s beautiful. Her hair is resting on her shoulders, her brown curls crumpled from lying down. She's not wearing any makeup, her rust colored freckles clearly visible adorning her upturned nose and cheeks. They seem to bring out the whiskey golden color in her eyes. She's wearing nothing but a large T-shirt that comes down mid-thigh. The front just says “FBI” and right away I want to be that T-shirt.

“What are you doing here?” She nervously looks out into the hall, afraid she might be the victim of some practical joke.

“I had to see you and I couldn't wait.” It's all I can say. “Can we talk?”

She hesitates, but finally opens the door, walking inside her apartment. I'm still standing on her doorstep, because I honestly didn't think I'd get this far, not after my little performance when she showed up at my place.

She turns and pins me a scolding look, for me to make up my mind, so I come in and close the door behind me. She's standing with her arms crossed, closed off. My palms are sweating so I rub them against my jeans. My hands are shaking even though I'm warm enough. This is what she does to me.

“You’ve got five minutes,” she says in her agent tone.

“So I better make them count, huh?” I chuckle nervously, but she doesn't even flinch. Her perfect eyebrow arches; she's clearly not amused.

“First off, I wanted to say I’m sorry, about my place. That girl and I—”

She cuts me off. “That’s none of my business, Colton.” I wince. Colton. That hurt, and it makes me feel worse because I did the same thing to her. Shit.

“No, I meant I didn't mean to hurt you,” I clarify.

“So noted.” She walks around me and moves to open the front door.

She's kicking me out. My breathing gets irregular and sudden panic sneaks into my system. I'm terrified. I can't lose her again. I just got her back. I’ve wasted so much time. She looks so sad and tired. What have I done?
Man up, Colton.

“Wait, I still have four minutes, thirty seconds, and I’m using them.” I use the same tone she used on me. She appears calm, but I can tell she's not. She's wound so tight she's about to snap. Her jaw is clenched so hard she might give herself a migraine. I assert myself. I’ve only got one shot at this.

“When you left—no, I mean when I lost you…” I try to put my thoughts together. I see her about to say something “smart” and I put my hand up. “Let me finish.”

She crosses her arms again and leans back against the kitchen counter, getting comfortable.

I take a deep breath. “Okay. When I lost you, I went crazy. Not only because I felt it was my fault, but because…fuck!” I'm so overwhelmed. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I know I want her, but I don’t know how to say it.

“Things were bad. Really bad. I couldn’t find you, and Teague wanted me back at work and I just couldn’t, you know? I just couldn’t sit there and stare at your desk like nothing happened, you know?”
Fuck! I suck at this!

“Believe me,
Colton,
I can relate. It doesn't change anything.” Doesn't escape me how she put an emphasis on my name, as if disgusted by it. “Your time is up.”

She pushes off the counter, and I can see her hands literally shaking. Her eyes are glassy, full of unshed tears. I've hurt her and it's tearing me up inside. I can't lose her. Not again. I can't fucking bear it. Suddenly, I'm full of anger. Anger at myself for being a fucking coward all these years and not telling her how I feel.
A
nger at her for showing up again. Anger at myself for being afraid she doesn’t love me as much as I love her. She walks right past me toward the front door. I can’t hold it in anymore.

“Dammit, Lil! Please, I'm begging you, please!” I scream and she flinches.

She stops midstride and doesn't move a muscle. Her back is turned to me.

“Please,” I beg. “I tried all right, I really did. I waited and waited. This is all my fucking fault.”

My words start spilling out and I can’t tell if I’m making any sense, but I know I can’t leave this spot, because if I do, I won’t get another chance.

She doesn’t turn around so I continue.

“I’m sorry about every fucking thing. I’m sorry I haven’t stepped up and that I let you carry our burden alone, cause you’re not alone, Lil. As long as I’m alive, you’ll never be alone on anything again. I’m all in, whether you want me or not. This isn’t about us being together forever. That shit is done, cause you and me? We’re already forever, no matter what. This is about me stepping up and being the man you need me to be. The man you deserve.”

My voice is forceful and fast, because if I don’t get it all out, I’ll explode. With Lil, it’s all or nothing. “I should’ve never left you there that morning. I should have told you how I felt all these years. I fucking love you, Lil. You can do whatever you want with that. I fucking love you so much it hurts. That day you disappeared I died. I really did. That guy at my apartment? That wasn’t me. I was gone that morning right along with you. I knew the first time I saw you that you were it for me. That’s why I didn’t sleep with you that night.”

Fuck.
She still won’t turn around. What the hell is going through her mind?

“You don’t remember, but we almost did, back at the TLQs during leave that first tour. I wanted you so bad, Lil, I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life, and I knew if I went through with it I would have fucked it up and lost you.” She’s holding her arms tightly against her body, hugging herself in place, her shoulders trembling, and it makes me want to try harder.

“That’s why I never said anything, Lil, because you’re too good for me and I thought you deserved better. I still do, but you know what? I’m going to be the selfish bastard I am and I’m not giving you up. You’re it for me, Lil. You’re the first person I see in the morning and the last person I think about at night.”
Fuck
. “I’m sorry, Lil. Say something.”

She finally turns and her face is covered in tears. She's crying so hard her shoulders won't stop shaking. I rush to her and cradle her face.

“I'm sorry, please look at me.” She doesn't look; she shuts her eyes tight and doesn’t stop crying.  She just hangs on to my arms for dear life, and it breaks my heart. I wipe her tears with my thumbs, as I slowly place gentle kisses all over her face.

“I'm so sorry,” I whisper against her skin, but she keeps crying. It's like I've opened a dam and I can't close it no matter how hard I try.

“Lil, please look at me.” I need her to look at me. I need her to see me.

Her knees give out and she openly weeps against my neck as I wrap my arms around her to hold her up, and we both slip down to the floor. I sit against the door, holding her to me; I'm not letting go.

“I'm so sorry,” I whisper, over and over, but every time I do, she cries harder. I want to take her in me, take her sorrow away, absorb it. I get up on my knees, grabbing a hold of her waist and under her knees. I bring her up with me, and head for her bedroom, cradling her in my arms.

I place her on the bed, but neither of us lets go, so I come down into the bed along with her. We lie down on our sides facing each other, her face still buried in my neck.

“
Shh
...it's okay.” I shut my eyes tight, trying to hold my own tears back. She's grieving.

For us.

The thought that I’m the cause of her tears and sorrow makes me feel like I swallowed glass. I just hold her tighter, muffling her sobs, as my own grief chokes me up.

“Please, Lil, just look at me, please.” I plead, my voice hoarse. I need her to see me, because I want her to see how much I want her. I want us. Suddenly she sobers, letting go of my shirt collar and hastily wiping the tears from her face.

“I remember, you know,” she says between sniffles, a sad smile on her face.

“Remember what?” I narrow my eyes in question, wiping away her tears.