Hold My Hand (9 page)

I breathed in the aroma of
burning incense, the familiar scent of candle wax and the smell of
the old wooden pew I sat on. The familiarity comforted me and I
found myself relaxing further still. Perhaps my reservations about
this new relationship weren’t with my religious beliefs but I
wondered why then I was struggling with these feelings of shame.
Why was I wondering if what I desired was wrong?

I was no closer to solving
my problem as the priest processed in and took the altar to begin
mass. I focused on the formality of the mass, feeling safe within
its structure as I allowed everything else to fade away.

*****

I expected to return to
William’s house but instead, he drove through the city in the
direction of Emerson College where I’d spent four years earning my
bachelor’s degree in literature before pursuing a master’s degree
from Boston College. I wondered what we were doing but chose not to
ask. I sat and waited for William to unveil his plan. I was content
to be patient.

Sometime during the drive,
William reached across to hold my hand. The connection instantly
warmed me. I hadn’t been away from him for long but I’d missed him.
What would it be like once I returned to my apartment tonight? I
quickly pushed the thought aside.

“You enjoyed mass?” William
asked.

“Yes. I need the reflection
time. I can’t imagine not having it,” I explained, smiling.

“Perhaps in the future, I’ll
accompany you.”

“
Really? You would
want to come to mass with me?” I’m shocked by his offer and failed
to hide the surprise.

William chuckled. “I only
wish I could see inside that mind of yours to see what you must
think of me. I do believe in God, you know.”

“I – It’s just,” I bit my
tongue. Why have I begun this thought aloud?

“Go on,” William
encouraged.

“It’s just that you’re so in
control of everything. A belief in God requires a part of you to
allow Him control.” I watched him as I explained but his expression
remained unchanged.

“I believe it was He who
brought you to me.” William’s words hit me hard. I wanted to
dissect his statement but instead I remained quiet. I had no
response equal to his declaration.

We arrived then, pulling up
to a brownstone. As the garage door rose, William smiled and he
looked over at me. “This is my city apartment. It belonged to my
parents once upon a time before they retired to Florida.”

“Most people would call this
a home, not an apartment. Why do you need the other?” I wasn’t sure
why I dared ask this. I knew he didn’t owe me an explanation and
maybe it was forward of me. I waited, looking at my entwined
fingers as William remained silent.

Just when I thought he
wouldn’t answer, William slipped his finger under my chin to guide
it up. “Better,” he said and winked before continuing, “There’re
times when I need to get out of the city. I prefer the open air but
business keeps me here most of the time.”

I nodded but was stunned
into silence. William winked at me. Was this a playful William? I
didn’t know how to react to this other side of him so I sat and
waited for his next move.

After he pulled in and
turned the engine off, he continued, “I thought it easier to come
here for the remainder of the day rather than return to the house.
We can have dinner out. There’s a restaurant I love here in the Bay
Area.”

“Okay.” I nodded. I only
wanted to be with him. It didn’t matter to me where we were. Still,
when we arrived at the restaurant later that evening, I didn’t
expect it to be a traditional Boston pizzeria. The Bay Area was
known as one of the wealthiest parts of the city so I laughed when
we walked in and I saw the clichéd red and white checkered
tablecloths, drip candle wine bottles and the bustle of wait staff
clad in jeans.

“What has you giggling?”
William looked down at me, curious over my reaction.

“I’m sorry. When you
suggested a restaurant you liked, this wasn’t at all what I
pictured,” I admitted.

“Oh, Aubrey, you have so
much to learn about me,” William said just before a boisterous
older man with a bushy gray mustache and a near balding head made
his way to us. His voice was booming as he called out to
William.

“Billy Boy!” the man shouted
in his thick Italian accent. He came right up to William and though
William put out his hand to shake, the man stepped around it to
wrap him in an embrace.

William stepped out of the
quick hug. “Salvatore, let me introduce you to Aubrey.” William
placed his hand on the small of my back and presented me to the man
I now knew as Salvatore.

“Salvatore, it’s so nice to
meet you. It seems as if you know William well,” I greeted him with
genuine friendliness and looked back and forth between the two
men.

“
William, sheesh,”
Salvatore shook his head and laughed, “This is my boy Billy. He’s
been coming to eat in my pizzeria since he first learned to walk.”
Salvatore paused, seemingly considering something before he
continued, “Yet today was the very first he brings with him a
pretty lady.”

“Thank you. That’s very kind
of you.” Salvatore’s attentiveness was a bit unsettling. I wanted
to burrow into William’s side but I couldn’t slight this kind
man.

William came to my rescue.
“Salvatore, should we found a booth?”

“Yes, yes, come sit by the
back so the wife can come to greet you with not too much walking,”
Salvatore led us to a table close to the door that must go to the
kitchen and then shuffled off.

“Wow, this was definitely
not what I expected,” I said.

“I thought it would be to
your liking. You said the restaurants I was choosing made you
uncomfortable. Tonight, I was seeking a more comfortable setting
for you.” William looked so pleased with himself.

In this setting, he
appeared younger than I’d guessed him to be. His relaxed manner and
smile nearly seemed carefree, so unlike the William I knew. I
didn’t quite know how to act around this William so I sat in
silence taking in the pizzeria. I noticed the red and white
checkered tablecloths are linen, not the plastic as I’d first
guessed. The art on the walls is vintage Italian, well-preserved
photographs that I wondered might’ve come from Salvatore’s family
home. When I looked to William, he was staring at me and I smiled
at him.

“
The photos are from
their family home in Italy. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” William
must’ve seen me perusing the artwork on the walls.

“Yes. The little village
seems so charming. I wish…” I bit my lip at the next thought that
nearly slipped from my lips.

William reached across the
table to hold my hand. “Tell me. What do you wish?”

“It’s so silly because it’s
so far from possibility right now. I’ve always wanted to travel to
Italy. You know, so I could sit in the beautiful countryside and
pen my first novel.” I rolled my eyes at the absurdity of my dream.
I’d never had my dreams come true so why I bothered to hold on to
them, I didn’t comprehend.

“Don’t roll your eyes,
little elf. That’s a definite punishable offense,” William’s tone
had changed. No longer playful, I’d no doubt he was now
serious.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. His
raised brow reminded me to continue, “Sir. I’m sorry, sir.”

“I don’t want you to put
yourself down. That includes eye rolling over something you wish
for. Dreams are important.” His words were softer now but I still
couldn’t bring myself to look up. “Traveling to Italy would be a
wonderful trip.”

“
Who’s traveling to
Italy?” Salvatore snuck up behind me while I was concentrating on
William. It surprised me when he spoke.

“Aubrey just shared it’s her
dream to travel there someday.”

“
Ah, you will need to
be bringing her on your next trip there,” Salvatore told William. I
caught the reference to his
next
trip and wondered
about all the places William must’ve traveled. How can a man who
has obviously traveled the world be interested in me?
You are nobody,
Aubrey.

Salvatore set down two wine
glasses and poured a small amount into first William’s glass and
then mine. “Now you enjoy the wine while you wait for your pizza.
And you can speak of your trip.” He set down the wine bottle,
clapped his hands and scurried off.

“
No sampling the wine
tonight?” I asked.

I’d been watching Salvatore
the entire time but I could feel William’s eyes on me. It was
unnerving at times how focused he could be on me. What must he see
when he looks so closely?

“No need here. Sal knows
what I drink,” William took another sip of his wine, “So, would you
like to visit Italy with me?” William asked.

I looked up at him with a
furrowed brow.

“Would you like to take a
trip to Italy with me someday?”

“William…” I began only to
have William cut off my sentence with a simple look.

“Yes or no,” William
provided my options.

“Yes, of course, but it’s
not poss…”

“I just want to know your
dreams. Your impossibilities are inconsequential.” William took my
hand across the table and thankfully, he began to tell me all about
the parts of Italy he’s visited. I learned he’s even visited
Salvatore’s family as he filled up our wait answering my questions
until I was swept up in the dream of William’s possibilities.

I hungered for his
offering.

William stretched his leg
out of the car and pulled himself up to greet me as I exit Dr.
Senton’s office building. “Aubrey,” William called to me as he
opened his arms and watched me. He didn’t smile but he didn’t look
angry either; simply that enigmatic look he has about him that I
saw.

I walked directly into his
embrace. I hadn’t seen him since Sunday evening and I craved the
feel of him. His strength when his coiled arm muscles circle my
body grounded me. I moaned as I felt him complete the circle of his
arms and pull me tightly against him.

“Lunch?” William asked as he
pulled away and smiled down at me.

“Yes please,” I returned his
smile and turned to get into the car. “Hi Baylor.”

“
Good afternoon, Miss
Greene.” Baylor didn’t bother to turn his head so I engaged
William, “where are we lunching?”

I was feeling a bit
liberated after the week I’d had and, for that reason, I spoke more
freely than usual. I couldn’t help grinning noticing that my more
forward behavior had caught William off-guard.

“Lunching will happen down
by the water. There’s a seafood place I don’t often get the chance
to go to. Since I’ve taken the rest of the afternoon off, I thought
this would be perfect.”

I smiled while the
dancing fairies in my stomach did somersaults. “You took the
afternoon off to spend with me?” My voice squeaked at the end,
announcing my surprise. I couldn’t hide my shock that William took
the afternoon off for me. Why would he do this? What was it that
attracted him to me? I doubted I’d ever know but was so grateful
for him.

“
Is this so difficult
to believe?”

“
You’re just so busy
and important. I mean, your work is important. And I’m just…” He
cut off my words by placing his finger against my lips.

“Stop right there, little
elf, before our fun afternoon turns into a session in obedience. Do
not belittle yourself. No more of that,” William held my chin as he
spoke. He knew as well as I did that I would’ve ducked my head at
the reprimand. He kissed me lightly before whispering, “You’re
perfect to me.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t
help my response. It was so ingrained in me that I was unworthy
that accepting his words as truth was near impossible. William
squeezed my jaw enough to be uncomfortable. “Repeat after me,” he
said. “I am perfect.”

I pulled back, hoping he’d
let me go and knowing at the same time it wasn’t likely. “I can’t.”
Tears began to pool in my eyes and I blinked to hold them back.

“I’m going to hold your hand
every step of the way until you realize just how perfect you are,”
William breathed the words into my ear as one hand remained on my
chin while the other stroked my hair. “Now, repeat it. I am
perfect.”

The pause was too long and I
heard William growl so I whispered, “I am prefect.”

“You are perfect,” he said
as he looked into my eyes, “Say it again.”

“I am perfect,” I whispered
again, uncomfortable and fidgeting with my hands.

“Louder,” William commanded.
His voice wrought with the tone of a man with whom you shouldn’t
argue.

“I am perfect,” I said with
an indoor voice my kindergarten teacher would approve of.

“You are perfect. Now louder
still.”

“Will…” he shook his head
and my words immediately stopped.

“Repeat the words, Aubrey,
just the words. We’re going to do this until you believe them.”

“I won…” again, he cut my
words off with the shake of his head and a stern look.

Tears blurred my sight as I
continued to blink them away but succeeded only in pushing them
down my cheeks. Once they began to fall, I couldn’t seem to stop
them. I wanted so badly to stop them before he became angry with
me. I kept my gaze averted. I looked at my feet, afraid of the
sight of William mad.

“
Look at me,” William
used his thumb to pull my chin up again. “Look. At. Me.” His
sternly spoken words set me on edge but I followed his command.
When my eyes met his, I saw something I couldn’t comprehend. I saw
sympathy. I saw understanding. I saw hope. He wasn’t angry but he
watched me carefully.

Then he smiled at my
surprise.