Hold Me Closer: The Tiny Cooper Story (8 page)

Tiny remains in bed.

TINY:

It was, to say the least, a strange visitation—and I didn’t know what it meant. Not yet.

As if I wasn’t confused enough, as high school continued and my high school relationships continued, I found the whole sex question kept coming up. The question being: Are we going to do it or what?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think making out is awesome. And I knew that when I was ready, sex would be awesome, too.

But I wasn’t ready. And some of the guys I was dating were more than ready.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10, #11, AND #14
come onstage and circle the bed.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14:

Horny horny horny—

we’re just so

horny horny horny.

TINY
(
looking at them with dismay
):

The pressure was intense. And it made me realize that although I had all of these gay exes in my life, I didn’t really have a gay friend. So I called Djane instead.

Djane appears on the corner of the stage, holding her phone to her ear. Tiny uses the phone he was using to text in bed.

TINY (TO DJANE
):

I know I’m a guy, so I should not make such rash generalizations—but, wow, guys can really get stuck on sex.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14
(
murmuring as he talks
):

Horny horny horny—

we’re just so

horny horny horny.

Horny horny horny—

we’re just so

horny horny

TINY:

(
To Exes
) Stop that! (
To Djane
) You see?

DJANE:

Can I give you some advice that sounds massively oversimplistic but is actually, I’ve found, somewhat helpful?

TINY:

Sure.

DJANE:

Ninety-seven percent of the time, it all comes down this:
Don’t do what you don’t want to do.
Ask yourself that simple question:
Do I want to do this?
If the answer is yes, go for it. If it’s anything but yes, don’t.

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14

(
singing one verse, then singing softly under the following dialogue
):

Horny horny horny.

Horny horny horny.

DJANE:

Do any of them appeal to you?

TINY:

Not like this.

DJANE:

Do they care about you the way they should?

TINY:

No.

DJANE:

Do you want to do it?

TINY:

No.

DJANE:

There you go.

TINY:

But how do I tell them?

DJANE:

You’re Tiny Cooper. You mop them up with a song.

Tiny understands. As the song begins with some serious chordage, he gets out of bed and is joined by three backup dancers wearing matching pajamas. They are the ones who will mop up the ex-boyfriends while Tiny sings.

[“SAVING MYSELF”]

TINY:

All you boys who just want to mess around!

All you boys who can’t put up with me not

putting out!

I’ve got something to say to you—

and it goes something like this.

I’m saving myself for someone who treats me

better!

I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!

If you want to go all the way,

I have to know you’re gonna stay

’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.

As Tiny sings the following, the backup dancers school the exes.

Keep it in your pants

and ask me to dance!

Get away from the bed

and talk to me instead!

We’re not going to go there

until you handle me with care!

EX-BOYFRIENDS #10/#11/#14

(
trying to fight back against the dancers
):

Horny horny horny!

We’re just so

horny horny horny!

TINY

(
as the dancers put the exes in their place
):

If you’re just doing it ’cause you’re horny,

my bush is gonna be thorny!

I’m telling you—

I’m saving myself for someone who treats me

better!

I’m saving myself for one I won’t regret!

If you want to go all the way,

I have to know you’re gonna stay

’cause I’m saving myself for someone who treats me better.

If you want to go all the way

you better give me the time of day—

when other people see us together—

when other people are around.

I’m not a game that you’re playing.

I’m not a lie that you’re saying.

I am worth so much more than that.

Yes, I am worth so much more than that.

Someday my prince will come,

and when he does,

we’ll come and come and
come
.

But ’til that day I’m saving myself.

Oh, yes, I’m saving myself from you.

Because I am worth so much more than that.

Yes, I am worth so much more than that!

The number ends with Tiny slipping off to change while the backup dancers triumph once and for all over the exes, ultimately knocking all three of them into the bed and wheeling them offstage.

Tiny emerges wearing something casual—a T-shirt and jeans, perhaps. Whatever’s handy. It’s one of his less dynamic outfits.

TINY:

That felt good. For a day or two. Then I was back to trying. And failing.

Ex-boyfriends #13 through #17 come onto the stage and walk in a ring around Tiny.

TINY:

I exhausted them. They exhausted me. They lied about their hair color. I lied about liking their hair color. I swooned—and then I realized that swooning is really just another way of saying
losing consciousness.

Each time I swore it was real—and it
was
real. A real disappointment. A real disaster. A real emptiness. I was less than a half, because I felt I couldn’t even be a half.

But I thought about what Oscar and Lynda had told me. If I didn’t have a boy, at least I had plenty of stories about boys. And honestly? Some of the stories were better than the boys themselves.

So, I thought, what could I do with these stories? Some people have poetry, or comics, or movies to make. Me? When I thought about it—really thought about it—I had songs.

I started to think of life in terms of a musical—this musical. I started to lose myself in writing it. It was about my life, and it was becoming my life.

The ring of ex-boyfriends leaves the stage.

TINY:

I was feeling low. And then I found something interesting:

Someone who was feeling even lower than I was.

A spotlight goes on and we see
WILL
, nearly catatonic on a curb. (If you can’t get a curb, a turned-over milk crate will do.) He is small and sad and clearly in pain.

Do not underestimate the attractiveness of this. Nellie Forbush, Anna Leonowens, and Maria von Trapp all fell for it. Granted, they all fell for widowers. But Will was like a teenage version of a widower—only it was his own life he was mourning. Something about that made me want to swoop in and make everything better, adopt his children, save his homeland. (Metaphorically on those last two.)

Back to the action onstage. Tiny walks over and considers Will for a second. Will doesn’t even notice . . . until Tiny speaks up.

TINY:

Hello there. I’m Tiny.

Tiny offers his hand. Will isn’t in a shaking mood, but he holds out his hand, too. Instead of shaking it, Tiny yanks him up to his feet. Because that’s what Will needs.

TINY:

Did someone die?

WILL:

Yeah, I did.

TINY:

Well, then . . . welcome to the afterlife.

Tiny turns to the audience for some exposition.

TINY
(
to audience
):

Something really awful had just happened to Will. I’m not going to tell you what, because that’s his story, not mine. What’s important is that he needed someone—and I guess I needed to be someone’s someone. Even though he was a near-total stranger, I wanted to be there for him.

Tiny turns back to Will. And let me be clear here: Will is NOT
into it. To a degree that Tiny doesn’t even come close to realizing. Because in Tiny’s mind, this is how things work—you meet cute, you stay cute, and you love cutely forever and ever, amen.

WILL:

You don’t have to stay with me. Really. I’m sure you have better things to do.

TINY:

What, and leave you here to mope?

WILL:

This is so far beyond moping. This is out-and-out despair.

TINY:

Awwww
.

You may ask what’s going through Tiny’s mind right now. I know I asked myself that many times afterward. Here is this desperate, depressed boy, and all Tiny can see is how much he needs love. One of the great things about being large-bodied is you can believe you can bend a situation through sheer physical will, that your embrace has more power than, say, a twig like Will’s.

Tiny embraces Will in a big-ass hug.

WILL
(
choking
):

I’m choking.

TINY
(
patting his hair
):

There, there.

WILL
(
pushing Tiny away
):

Dude, you’re not helping.

TINY
(
hurt
):

You just duded me!

WILL:

I’m sorry. It’s just, I—

TINY:

I’m only trying to help!

WILL:

I’m sorry.

Tiny looks at Will, takes in all of his pain. It makes Will completely uncomfortable.

WILL:

What?

TINY:

Do you want to hear a song I’ve written?

WILL:

Excuse me?

TINY:

It’s from a musical I’m working on. It’s based on my life. I think one of the songs might help right now.

There is this amazing scene at the end of the first act of
Once
when Guy gets on top of the bar and starts to play “Gold.” The crowd is hostile at first, but one by one, they start playing instruments and dancing, and soon the whole stage is alive with music, as Girl wanders among the crowd, her face beaming with awestruck wonder at the remarkable thing that this song is doing. It’s a perfect picture of what we musical devotees believe—that the right song at the right time can stop all the clocks, wipe away all the cares, and gently make you see the world in a new way. We believe this because we have felt it. We believe this because ultimately this is what we have to offer. Music. Words. Songs. A little light choreography.

It may seem ridiculous for Tiny to burst out into song here. Will certainly finds it ridiculous. But in Tiny’s heart, it makes perfect sense.

Tiny closes his eyes, opens his arms, and belts out
“IT WASN’T YOU.”
He is full of all the injustice that he’s suffered at the hands of thoughtless ex-boyfriends. And he assumes this is why Will is feeling so bad, too. Plus, he’s trying to impress the guy.

[“IT WASN’T YOU”]

TINY:

I thought you’d make my dreams come true

but it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you.

I thought this time it would all be new,

but it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you.

I pictured all the things we’d do

and now I feel my heart is through—

but it isn’t true, it isn’t true.

I may be big-boned and afraid

but my faith in love won’t be mislaid!

Though I’ve been completely knocked off course

I’m not getting off my faithful horse!

It wasn’t you, it’s true

but there’s more to life than you!

I thought you were a boy with a view,

you stuck-up, selfish, addled shrew.

You may have kicked me ’til I was blue

but from that experience I grew and grew.

It’s true, frock you,

there are better guys to woo—

it won’t be you,
comprende vous
?

It will never be you!

At the end, Tiny expects applause. And hopefully he gets some from the audience. But Will? Will stares at him, stunned.

WILL:

Who
are
you?

TINY:

Tiny Cooper!

WILL:

You can’t really be named Tiny.

TINY:

No. That’s irony.

WILL:

Oh.

TINY
(
tsking
):

No need to “oh” me. I’m fine with it. I’m big-boned.

WILL:

Dude, it isn’t just your bones.

TINY:

Just means there’s more of me to love!

WILL:

But that requires so much more effort.

TINY:

Darling, I’m worth it.

Tiny gestures to a bench that has mysteriously appeared onstage. (Okay, maybe the audience will see that it’s brought onto the stage at this moment. That’s okay.) Tiny gestures for them to sit. They do.

TINY:

So tell Tiny your problems.

WILL:

Can Tiny talk normal?

TINY
(
in his best Anderson Cooper voice
):

Yes, he can. But it’s not nearly as fun when he does it.

WILL:

You just sound so gay.

TINY:

Um . . . there’s a reason for that?

WILL:

Yeah, but. I dunno. I don’t like gay people.

TINY:

But surely you must like yourself?

WILL
(
incredulous
):

Why should I like myself? Nobody else does.

TINY:

I do.

WILL:

You don’t know me at all.

TINY:

But I want to.

WILL
(
freaking out
):

Shut up! Just shut up!

Tiny looks hurt. Which is a very understandable reaction to such an outburst.

WILL:

No, it’s not you. Okay? You’re nice. I’m not. I’m not nice, okay? Stop it!

Now Tiny is sad for Will. Because Will honestly believes this.

WILL:

This is SO STUPID.

Will clutches at his head while he cries this out, like he feels he is going completely out of his mind. For once in his life, Tiny is the steady one. He just watches Will, waits. And the longer he watches, the more he cares. When Will finally lifts his head and stops being angry at himself, they hang in a strange, intimate moment.

TINY:

I never kiss on the first date.

Will looks at him with total incomprehension.

TINY:

But sometimes I make exceptions.

It’s as if gravity conspires to push them toward each other. They kiss, eyes closed. When they’re done, Tiny looks happy and Will looks scared.

TINY:

This is not where I thought the night was going.

WILL:

Tell me about it. (
His tone softens.
)
But . . . I’m glad that you exist.

TINY:

I’m glad to be existing right now.

WILL:

You have no idea how wrong you are about me.

TINY:

You have no idea how wrong you are about yourself.

WILL:

Stop that.

TINY:

Only if you stop it.

WILL:

I’m warning you.

TINY

(
standing from the bench, ending the scene, and addressing the audience
):

Of course, when a boy gives you a warning, you should listen to it. Not because he’s necessarily right. But because he genuinely thinks he is. And most of the time, that’s more important.

Will leaves the stage. Phil and Djane enter, and Tiny flags them down.

TINY:

Guys! I’ve got so much to tell you!