Hold Me Close (26 page)

Staring into her blue eyes, he saw her uncertainty, but he couldn’t understand. They belonged together.

She stared back, not shying away from his touch on her chin. “I know. I’m not sure I could pretend it didn’t happen either, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take it back if I could. There’s too much potential for this to ruin our friendship.” Her lip wobbled. “And now you’re making it sound like if I don’t become your girlfriend, I’ll lose you anyway.”

Crap. He didn’t want to make her cry, and he definitely didn’t want to push her away, but he couldn’t go back. “Christ, Maggie, you’ll never lose me. Not totally. But I can’t pretend.”

She pulled out of his grasp now, shaking her head. “But what if we do this and you find out I’m not who you thought I was?”

“I know everything about you.”

“No, you don’t. You think you do, but . . .”

“What is it? I can’t imagine anything about you being such a problem I wouldn’t want to be with you.”

Her hands twisted in her lap. “In addition to the triggers, I have some other glitches.”

“Glitches? You’re not a machine.”

She rolled her eyes. “Glitches—problems—things that are wrong with me.”

He stifled his laugh. “Like what?”

She turned her head and stared at the door. Then it hit him. He grabbed her hand. “The door locking. I noticed.”

Her breath hitched as she sucked it in.

“When you knew I was following right behind you to watch TV, you locked me out of your apartment. When I spent the night, you got out of bed to check the door.”

She nodded. “I need it locked. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, but sometimes, especially if it’s been a bad day, I check and double-check out of necessity.”

“And the morning I surprised you with coffee?”

“I saw the open door and panicked. Hearing the sounds from the kitchen exacerbated it.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

She pulled away again. “Because I didn’t want you to see how messed up I am. I’m dying to be normal. I needed you of all people to see me as normal.”

She fell silent again. Was that it? She thought he’d lose interest because she needed locked doors?

“I do.”

She shook her head. “No, you don’t. You see me as damaged, something that’s so fragile that I might break.”

“You’re the strongest person I know. Your strength amazes me.”

Her head whipped up. He knew that look. She was about to call him a liar.

“I don’t know anyone who fights as hard as you do to prove herself every day.” He reached for her hand again and sandwiched it between his. “The thing is, Maggie, you don’t have anything to prove to anyone.”

“I need to prove it to myself.”

“Maybe you need to cut yourself some slack.”

She tugged her hand away and slapped her thigh. “You just don’t get it. When I look at a guy I’m in love with, I need for him to see me as a woman. That’s it. Just a woman he wants to get naked. Not a woman who’s been raped. Not a woman who might break. Not a woman he needs to take care of.”

She stood and walked around the bed and toward the door. No way was she going to leave until they had this settled.

“Every time I look at you, I imagine you naked. I don’t think about the rape, because it destroys me to do so.” He stood behind her and brushed her hair off her neck. He lowered himself and whispered in her ear, “I want to take care of you, not because you might break, but because I love you and that’s what you do when you care about someone.”

He brushed his fingers across the skin showing on her shoulder where her shirt had slipped. “Tell me you don’t feel it every time we touch.”

“I can’t.”

Being this close to her, breathing in her scent, feeling her soft skin under his fingers, and not kissing her took every ounce of control he had. “Then what do you expect to happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are you here?” When she popped into his room, he’d thought she’d come to her senses and was ready to listen to him.

“I was hoping for answers.”

They belonged together. If he spun her around and kissed her, he could prove it. But in the back of his mind, her triggers were always present. He never wanted to be the cause of an episode. So he waited for her to make a move.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the one he wanted. She turned the doorknob and walked out.

CHAPTER 19

M
aggie walked out of the bedroom and then the house without speaking to anyone. She kept walking until she was next to her car. Why had she come here? What answers had she been hoping for?

No, not answers. That was a convenient lie. She’d wanted to see what Shane would do. How he would react to her being in his house. Talking about sex and being his girlfriend. Opening up and sharing a piece of herself she’d thought he hadn’t known.

The entire time, all she’d wanted him to do was kiss her. She was a hypocrite. She told him she wanted to be friends, but as she admitted, she couldn’t get him out of her head. And she wasn’t thinking about him as her friend either.

She leaned against her car and stared at Shane’s house. No one had made her feel more alive and safe as Shane always had. If there was no going back, maybe it was time to take that leap. Maybe she’d been looking for him to convince her. But why? She knew him, knew what she was getting in him, knew he loved her.

The last thought rocked her. Of course she’d known he loved her. They loved each other. You aren’t friends with someone for ten years and
not
love them. They’d opened a door that led to something she’d never considered, but Shane obviously had. She began to consider it too.

What held her back? They were good together and the chemistry between them definitely hit the mark. Suddenly, she had no idea what she was doing standing by her car.

She jogged back up the walk and took the steps two at a time. Turning the knob, she was happy to find the door unlocked.
Ironic.
As she swung the door open, she smacked it into Shane. He was bent over putting his shoes on and the door clunked against his head and knocked him back.

“What the fuck?” He grabbed his head.

“Oh, my God. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

He straightened. “What are you doing here?”

She closed the door behind her. “I was coming back. Why are you standing in front of the door?”

He rubbed the spot on his head. “I was coming after you.”

Her heart went all warm and squishy. She’d never had a guy run after her before. Of course, it would’ve been more romantic if he’d moved faster and didn’t almost get knocked out. “I ran outside and had no idea what I was running from. I like the way I feel when I’m with you.”

The words tumbled out easily. She’d expected to feel nervous or anxious, but her blood pumped steady through her body, only warming when he looked at her. Lust was in his eyes.

He took a step closer, close enough that she felt the heat from his skin. “The feeling’s mutual.”

Her breath quickened and her gaze darted all over his body, making her want to touch everywhere. More important, she wanted him to touch her, but he didn’t.

She looked up into his eyes. “I’m in. I want to give us a shot.”

Another step and his body brushed hers. “Thank God.” He lowered his head and she grabbed a fistful of his T-shirt as his mouth met hers.

The kiss was heady and warm, but still so cautious. He was holding back and she wanted him to push, take, maybe even manhandle. His tongue stroked her languidly and she sighed. There was something to this slow and gentle approach.

A gasp behind them caught their attention, and they both opened their eyes and eased away from each other. She released his shirt and smoothed it out. His face was filled with a ridiculously happy grin. When he turned around, his mother stood there with a matching smile and a plate of cookies.

“Hi again,” Maggie said lamely with a slight wave of her fingers.

Theresa pointed back and forth. “Does this mean . . . you two . . . ?”

“Yeah, Mom, Maggie and I are a couple.”

Maggie took a step forward. Shane came up behind her and stuck his hand in her back pocket. She tried to slap it away.

Shane wiggled his fingers in her pocket. He picked up a cookie with his free hand and said, “Hey, Mom, you don’t care if I feel up my girlfriend, do you?”

Maggie’s mouth dropped open. He shoved a cookie past her lips.

Theresa crossed her arms. “I don’t want to see anything you wouldn’t want to see me doing.”

Shane chuckled and looked at Maggie. “You’re in trouble. My dad is always trying to molest my mom.”

Maggie chewed the cookie Shane had put in her mouth. Warm and gooey center with huge chunks of chocolate and slightly crispy edges. Perfection. These were Theresa’s specialty, broken cookies. Every time she made them, they were a little different because she broke up whatever snacks or candies she had around and added them to the dough. She reached for another cookie.

She had no response for his comment. He spoke the truth. His parents had always been openly affectionate in front of everyone. Not that they had been gross or anything, but they were clearly in love.

Theresa went back to the kitchen. Maggie spoke quietly to Shane. “I feel strange. I’ve never felt awkward in your house before, but it’s happening now.”

Shane smoothed her hair off her shoulder. His fingers against her neck sent a ripple of luscious sensation through her. “How?”

“This.” She waved her hand between them. “I said I wanted to give us a shot, but what does that mean? We just sleep together and that’s it?”

“That’d work for me.”

“Shane Callahan.” His mom’s sharp tone had them both looking up. “I raised you better than to treat a woman like a piece of meat.”

Maggie thought Theresa hadn’t been listening. She should’ve known better.

“It’s not like that, Mom.”

Theresa continued to yell from the next room. “Oh, really? Have you taken her out on a date?”

“We go out all the time.”

“You
hang out,
whatever that means. If she were any other woman you wanted to impress, you’d take her out. Make her fall for you.”

Maggie snickered. “Yeah, Shane. Woo me.”

His shoulders dropped with his sigh.

“Don’t you sigh at me. Would you want some man to talk to one of your sisters like that?”

Shane tensed.

This was getting better by the minute.

With a pointed finger, Theresa added, “I thought not.”

She picked up a towel and dried the pan she’d cleaned. “A woman needs to know she’s worth your time and effort. Otherwise, there’s no incentive.”

Maggie started to feel sorry for Shane. She knew he wasn’t really treating her like a piece of meat, and he’d always given her plenty of attention and effort. “It’s okay, Theresa. I think Shane and I need to discuss some things.” She winked at Shane. “Let’s go to your room and talk.”

He grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hall. Once out of the living room, the giggle bubbled up in her throat. “Well, that was fun.”

“For you, maybe.” He pulled her through his bedroom door and kicked it shut. His eyes coasted over her entire body.

She wished she’d worn something sexy instead of her comfort clothes.

He put his cookies on his dresser and stepped closer. “So you want to be wooed.”

“I was kidding. And for the record, your mom was wrong. You always give me your time and attention.”

“It would’ve been nice if you defended me out there.”

“I can’t make your life too easy.”

“Uh-huh.” His hand grazed her neck as it made its way around the back to hold on. “I’ll woo you, Maggie. I’ll woo you so hard, you won’t be able to resist me.”

“That won’t take too much effort.” She licked her lips and hoped he’d take the hint.

With his fingers gently caressing her neck, he lowered his mouth and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She turned her head for more, but he pulled away.

“Will you have dinner with me, Maggie?”

“Of course.”

“I mean like a real date. Not takeout on your couch.”

She ran her fingers over his chest. “But my couch is close to the bedroom.” She looked over her shoulder at his twin-sized bed. “My bed is bigger, and there’s no audience at my apartment.”

He groaned. “Are you trying to kill me?”

She smiled. “Torment you a little, maybe. I’m not looking for you to woo me, but I need to know where we go from here. What’s different? Do we continue the way we’ve always been but screw on occasion?”

“If I have anything to say about it, it’ll be a whole lot more than on occasion. But otherwise, what else would change?”

“I don’t know.” In truth, standing this close to him, she couldn’t think about anything. She stepped away. “Maybe we need to think about this.”

“God, Maggie, stop playing games. You said you were in. Don’t toy with me.”

“No, I don’t mean reconsider us. I mean think about what we expect. We know so much about each other and there are some things we might overlook in each other as friends, but as a couple, we wouldn’t.”

“Like what?”

She sat on the edge of the bed, still holding a cookie in her hand, the chocolate melting in her palm. “Like I expect my boyfriend to call if he’s going to be late. But as friends, it didn’t matter too much.”

Shane laughed.

“What’s funny about that?”

“You’re the one who’s always late, not me.”

“Well, then, maybe you expect me to call you.”

He shook his head and sat beside her. “Nope. I know you’ll be late, and I plan for it.” He took her hand in his. “No other men.”

She snorted. As if that were a possibility. “No other women.”

“There has never been anyone else for me.”

She melted a little more and sighed. “You’re really good at this wooing thing.”

“It’s a gift.”

She stood, needing some space. Things felt too right, and she couldn’t wrap her head around that. “Are we on for dinner?”

“Yeah. I’ll pick you up at six. Where do you want to go?”

“You pick.” She headed back to the door. As she turned the knob, she added, “And Shane? Plan to spend the night.”

Shane’s world was about as perfect as it could get. He was settled in his new apartment, grateful to have privacy once again. And Maggie was his.

Although that would’ve been enough to keep him happy forever, as he was leaving work, he checked his e-mails and saw one from the police department. His thumb hovered over the message. It was probably another confirmation of the last step he’d completed, but no offer of employment,
they’ll be in touch
.

But what if it was a rejection?

He turned the phone off and started the engine. He drove to O’Leary’s because Maggie worked the day shift. He wanted to be with her when he read the e-mail. She would be his reminder that life was still good even without the police department.

He walked into the bar and his eyes found her immediately. She had her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and he wanted to kiss her exposed neck. She’d smell fresh from a shower right there, and her pulse would kick up against his tongue.

She must’ve felt his stare, because she turned from where she was taking an order. She winked at him but continued to talk to her customers. When they were done, she turned to the register and waved him over. “What are you doing here?”

“I got an e-mail from the department.”

Her fingers froze on the screen where she was inputting an order. “And?”

“I didn’t read it yet.”

She flicked him a look and finished entering her order. Then she turned and held out her hand. “Give me your phone.”

He handed it to her and was a little surprised when she keyed in his passcode. Her having that information didn’t bother him, but he wondered.

As if she read his mind, she said, “It’s not like you hide your screen when you put it in. Plus, it’s the year we graduated.”

She scrolled and clicked. His stomach churned as he tried to read her face. Her forehead wrinkled as she read, but she said nothing.

“Well?”

She looked up at him and bit her lip. “You’re in. You report to the academy next week.”

“What?” He was sure he hadn’t heard her right. He grabbed the phone and read. Then he let out a whoop and scooped Maggie up in a tight hug. Tonight they’d celebrate.

She shoved his shoulder. “I’m at work.”

“I know. I’m sure your boss would understand.” But people were starting to stare.

“Congratulations.”

He kept a hand on her hip for a minute, knowing she had to pull away to go back to work. He needed that connection for just a moment. “You are okay with this, right?”

They’d talked about it, but being accepted made it real.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“What am I gonna say? No, give up your dream?”

She wouldn’t and he knew it, but since he just convinced her to be his girlfriend, he also didn’t want to jeopardize that.

“I have to get back to work. People are waiting for drinks.”

“Pick you up at seven to celebrate?”