Hold Me Close (10 page)

She pulled out her laptop and began to work on her portfolio. She didn’t know if she wanted to be a photographer, but she wanted to give it a shot. She paused as she clicked on an article about developing a portfolio.

Would using Moira’s connections to land a job fall under taking advantage as the baby of the family? She understood the idea of going it alone, but the O’Learys always said that if you have a big family, use it. It wasn’t something only she was guilty of. Plus, how else would she get her foot in the door to decide if this was the right career for her?

She pushed doubt aside and focused on accomplishing something.

CHAPTER 7

M
aggie spent the next two days working on her portfolio and talking with Moira about job prospects and possibly even going back to school. She worked her shifts at the bar and made good tips, and didn’t have any more episodes. All in all, life was good.

Except for the whole no boyfriend, no dating, no sex thing. And to top it off, she kept seeing Shane in her dreams. She decided it was time to do something about it. She grabbed a six-pack of beer and knocked on Shane’s door. Getting things out in the open would be best. Even if he thought she was crazy for thinking they should sleep together once as an experiment, at least then she could put the fantasies to rest.

The radio blared on the other side of the door, and Maggie thought that maybe he hadn’t heard her knock. She raised her hand again and the door swung open as her fist came down. She looked like a cat batting a toy. Shane stood in the doorway, shirtless—like that was going to help rid her of crazy dreams. He walked to the radio and turned it down.

“Hey. I brought you some beer.”

“Do you mean you swiped some beer from downstairs?” he asked with one eyebrow up.

She wrinkled her nose at him. “No, smart-ass. Want to see the receipt?” She really hoped he didn’t ask for one since it didn’t exist even though she’d paid for it. She hadn’t swiped the beer, but it came from the bar’s stock.

He opened the door wider. “Is it cold?”

“Who the hell would show up with warm beer? That would be like saying, here, have a brownie, and throwing a box at you.” She walked past him and took in the sight of the apartment. It was completely bare.

He closed the door behind her and took the beer from her hand. Setting it in the fridge, he took one bottle out and drank. “Does this mean we’re good?”

“We’re always good.”

“You seemed a little snippy after dinner the other day and you haven’t said two words to me since.”

He had her there. She was still mad when they worked a night shift together, but then she hadn’t seen him. “I was, but I did some thinking and realized you were right.”

“Whoa.” He held up a hand and pulled his phone from his pocket. His thumb scrolled through the screen. “I gotta have an app for that.”

“For what?”

“I need to record you saying that. Not only will I replay it every time we argue, but I’ll play it for my sisters when they tell me I don’t know anything.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Shut up.”

She walked through the living room and decided maybe this wasn’t a good idea. He had nowhere to sit. “Are you done working?”

“For now.”

“Want to come over and watch TV?”

“Do I get to pick?”

“As long as it’s not sports.”

“Cool. Let me take a shower and I’ll be right over.”

She nodded and went back to her apartment. Suddenly, her stomach began to flip. Why was this making her nervous? Then she realized she didn’t know what the outcome would be. She didn’t know what Shane would say, which went against the way she liked things.

If he agreed, how would they proceed? Would they have sex now? Tonight? No, she hadn’t even shaved her legs and she was wearing her old college sweats. This was just conversation. She would feel him out.

Grabbing a Coke from the fridge, she checked her cabinets for snacks. What do you serve a guy you’re going to ask to sleep with you? Chips? Cookies?

Maggie took a deep breath. She was overthinking. This was Shane, and she’d always been able to talk to him about anything. She settled on the couch and turned on the TV. About fifteen minutes later, there was a thump against her door.

She got up and looked through the peephole. Shane. She unlocked the door.

“You knew I was coming over. Why’d you lock it?”

“I always lock it.” It was one of the many things she always did now. She locked her apartment door. She locked the bathroom door even when she was home alone. She locked her bedroom door at night.

“Probably a good idea. I just thought you would’ve left it open for me.” He walked into the kitchen and put two bottles of beer in her refrigerator. “Shoot. I didn’t know you still had some.”

“I don’t drink it. And you’re the only person I’ve had over, so there’s beer.” She sat back on the couch and waited for him to join her. When he did, she took a moment to drink in the sight of him.

He was all clean, no sign of sawdust or drywall mud on him. The crisp scent of soap tickled her nose. He wore an old T-shirt that had seen better days. The collar had been cut and the hem at the bottom was frayed. Like her, he wore loose sweatpants.

“Before we pick out a show to watch, I want to talk to you about something.”

He took a drink of his beer and watched her. “Is this the real reason you got me a six-pack?”

“No.” She looked at a spot over his shoulder and tried to get the words right so he could understand. “You know I’ve been trying to date. And the part I was telling you about, how I’m still not all myself?” She blew out a breath, puffing her cheeks out. “I’m afraid of wasting my time. What if I find another great guy and I still can’t have sex? It’s not fair to either of us.”

“What are you getting at, Mags?”

“I need to know if I’m broken.”

“You’re not.”

She held up a hand, and when she felt it wobble she tucked it between her knees. “I might be. I just want to know.”

He set his beer on the table and leaned closer.

She licked her lips, closed her eyes, and jumped in. “You’re the one person I’ve always been able to count on, other than my family. I feel safe with you.”

“I’m glad.” His hand landed on her thigh.

She opened her eyes and looked into his. “Would you be willing to have sex with me?”

His entire body froze. “What?”

Shane forced air into his lungs as he listened.

“Dr. Janzen pointed out that in order for me to feel safe enough to have sex, I need to trust the guy and he needs to know my history. I’m already there with you.”

Shane heard the words, kind of, if he focused over the sound of his heart thundering in his ears. Maggie wanted to sleep with him?

“I’m not looking to pressure you into any kind of commitment. It would be like an experiment. I trust you, and I know you would never hurt me. If I can have sex with you, I’ll know I can find a guy and give it time to get there, you know?”

Christ, she wanted to just fuck. She didn’t want to change the parameters of their relationship. She wanted to use his body. How fucked up was that?

“Maggie, I don’t know. We’ve never . . .”

“I know that’s not how we work. And I totally get it if you think it’s too weird. But I had to ask.”

She was sitting close enough that he could smell the soft, powdery scent of her perfume. Her skin was warm where his hand lay on her thigh. He pulled back and rubbed a hand on his head.

“It’s weird, right?”

“Not weird, exactly. Did Dr. Janzen think this was a good idea?”

“I didn’t ask her. I don’t run every decision past my therapist. She gave me the guidelines. You fit the guidelines. If I can’t sleep with you, then no other guy has a shot. I know not to bother. At least not now. I can focus on other things.” She gave a careless shrug like it didn’t matter.

But she forgot he knew her. She was a crappy actress when it came to him. She was pinning some great hope on him sleeping with her. She wanted him to have sex with her in order to pave the way for some other guy. The thought alone bugged the shit out of him.

He could just blurt it out. Tell her how he felt. Let her know he wanted more from her. But instead, he said, “I need to think about it.”

“Fair enough,” she said all perky. She tossed the remote onto his lap. “Pick something good to watch. I’ll make popcorn.”

She stood and left the room. How could he think about some TV show when all his brain could do was focus on sleeping with Maggie?

He flipped mindlessly through the channels, avoiding anything that looked remotely romantic or sexy. He needed action and adventure. From the kitchen, he heard Maggie humming softly while she moved around. She couldn’t sing for shit, but her hum was calming.

He’d forgotten how she used to do that all the time. She’d mumble or hum. It had been a surefire way to determine her mood. Humming meant happy, mumbling meant pissed off. He wished he knew what had made her happy. Was it the act of asking him, or was she so sure he’d agree, she thought his taking time was simply a formality?

Her request weighed heavily on him. He didn’t want to be the factor deciding whether she’d remain happy.

Part of his brain, the primal part, wanted to jump on her offer immediately. He wanted the chance to know her body, show her how good they could be together, but he didn’t want to risk what they had. Not if that wasn’t what she wanted.

Ten minutes later, Maggie returned with a bowl of popcorn and another bottle of beer for him. She plopped beside him as if the conversation hadn’t happened, and they watched TV like they always had. Except he had no idea what was happening on the screen. He was too busy weighing the possibilities of Maggie’s proposition.

By the time the movie ended, he still had no answers, but a headache threatened to ruin the rest of his night. Credits rolled across the screen. Maggie was curled comfortably on his side. He shifted to move away.

“You gotta go?”

“I should. Early day with my dad.”

“I’m sorry I was bitchy with you over dinner the other night. I don’t like it when people call me on shit. I do”—she waved her hands in swirly motions as if she didn’t know the word she was looking for—“finagle what I want from my siblings. I’ve been doing it my whole life. But you’re right. If I want them to treat me like an adult, I need to stop.”

He chuckled. “Those are some pretty words, but I know you better than that.”

“I’m serious. I’m not saying I’ll never ask my family for anything because
hello,
that’s what family’s for. However, I plan to go into Ryan’s office tomorrow and explain to him why I think he should take my opinion into consideration. I won’t stomp my foot or scream. I’ll be professional, just like any other employee.”

Shane stood and stretched. “Let me know how that goes.” He knew her brothers. They would never listen to her. It had been part of the reason why she’d been wild as a teenager. She wanted attention and she yelled instead of talked, partied instead of interacted, got arrested instead of playing by the rules.

He’d never understand where she was coming from, because he was the oldest and none of his sisters had sought attention like that. His sisters tended to be a little more straightforward.

“You’ll see. I’ll win him over with my charming wit and personality.”

He grabbed his empty bottles to throw out. “It’s your charm that usually lands you in the most trouble.”

“You have so little faith in me.”

“Never.”

She followed him to the door. “You’ll really think about what I said, right?”

“Of course.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You sound like my brothers when they say they’ll think about something.”

He reached out and grabbed her hand. “I promise to give it real consideration. I’m not blowing it off. It’s just a lot to process all at once.”

She nodded.

“See you tomorrow?”

“Probably.” She held the door open for him to leave. “Have a good day at work.”

He trudged back to his apartment, more tired than he thought. As he crawled into bed he thought about whether he could have sex with Maggie and then walk away, just be her friend again. With other girls, he could, but he’d never had a close relationship with another girl like he had with Maggie. He’d dated some girls, slept with others.

But Maggie had always come first.

He sat up in bed with the harsh realization. Of course he’d always known Maggie was important to him, but this path of thoughts made him wonder if maybe his relationship with Maggie was holding him back.

“Fuck. Now I’m thinking like a shrink,” he said to his shadow.