His Holiday Heart (15 page)

As if the kisses hadn’t done that? As if his tenderness and loving care hadn’t roped her heart to his? She understood this man too well. This had happened to her before. She snatched the cup of tea from the holder. The cup singed her fingertips, but she hardly felt it. What she did feel was his hopelessness. It crept toward her like darkness, one bleak inch at a time.

“You will see that I’m right.” He tried to reassure her or perhaps it was himself he was trying to reason with.

“If that’s what you believe, then I’m sure you are right. I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me more than his own life. Life is too short, and love is too important.” With her soul aching and her battered heart in hand, she shut the door.

Her last image of Spence was of the big loner of a man sitting military straight behind the wheel, tortured with pain and shrouded by darkness, by a heart that refused to accept love.

I can’t give you what I don’t have.
His words thundered through her head. She had been wrong to trust him. He had disappointed her. Worse, he had broken her heart. There was nothing left to do but leave.

Agony kicked through her like a migraine setting in. She ripped her gaze from his. As she headed straight for her car, wetness streaked across her cheeks. She hoped it was snow, because she did not want it to be tears.

He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t face the loneliness that was without end. If he couldn’t trust Lucy, then he couldn’t trust anyone. It was that simple. He didn’t know how to get past the panic and the doubts. Even if he could, then that still left one truth too painful to face. So he drove through the storm to Rebecca’s condo, first, glad he still had the snow shovel in the back of his truck, from when he had first shoveled out Lucy’s car.

Remembering made him smile and warmed the icy places within him. Man, he was a fool. He had broken off things with the only woman he would ever love. He didn’t need to be able to see into the future to know that. He’d done the right thing. It was best to take this hit now rather than take a bigger one later, when he was even more in love with her. It was better to play it safe than to have the unavoidable truth rise up to destroy him. Because that’s what it would do to him when Lucy figured out that she couldn’t really love him. No one could. It was just a fact.

He swung into the condominium complex where Rebecca lived. Snow was really coming down now, but when he pulled to a stop in front of his baby sister’s walkway, it had been recently shoveled. The front blinds were closed, but light blazed behind the slats. Chad had probably walked over to clear her walk, and the two lovebirds were probably sharing a cup of hot chocolate.

Good. He was glad for the two of them. Rebecca had found a dependable man to love her. That’s what mattered. Rebecca was a great kid; she deserved the kind of man who looked out for her and who took her care seriously. Spence nodded approval and swung his truck around. There was no sense heading up the hill to Ava and Brice’s ritzy house. They had a company come to regularly remove their snow. Aubrey and William lived over an hour’s drive from town in the mountains. William had a plow attachment for his truck to clear his mile-long driveway.

When he turned onto Danielle’s street, he could see all the outside lights shining down on Jonas, shoveling the walkway while that silly dog they’d adopted ran in circles, frolicking in the snow. Spence thanked the good Lord that Jonas was able to take complete care of his family again and tried not to feel hurt that he was no longer needed. He turned the truck around in the intersection. Normally he would stop by and visit for a while, but he was hurting too sorely and Dani, bless her, would notice and try to figure out why.

As he drove through the town streets decorated with bright Christmas stars and flashing candy canes and silver bells, he thought of past Christmases. He thought of the wonder and grace of the church service, of the excitement of the mounds of gifts beneath the decorated tree, of the delicious aroma of a ham baking while Dorrie puttered in the kitchen, happy knowing that they were all together, a family.

The trip out to his grandmother’s was dicey, and he did everything he could to keep Lucy out of his mind. He refused to let a single image into his head of her little green car trying to navigate country roads. What if she was having trouble? He resisted the urge to call her and see if she had reached home safely. What was wrong with him that he couldn’t turn off his worry and his love for her and go about his life like business as usual? He was pathetic, that’s what. Only a weak man could not control the direction and tides of his heart.

He pulled into Gran’s driveway. Her house was dark. She was an early-to-bed, early-to-rise sort of lady. The driveway was already neatly plowed and the walkway carefully shoveled and deiced. Caleb, Spence realized, Lauren’s husband, must have just finished up. They lived up the road. Turning his truck around, he headed for home.

Katherine’s driveway was unshoveled. Finally. He pulled to a stop at the curb and realized the house was dark. Not a single light shone anywhere. If he squinted, he could just make out a set of tire tracks from the garage door to the road, filling up with snow.

A bad feeling crawled through his stomach. If something was wrong, he thought, then someone in his family would have called him, except for the fact that he had turned off his cell hours ago. He hadn’t wanted any of his sisters calling him and realizing that he was out with Lucy.

He jabbed on the power and waited what felt like one hundred and two years before the phone was functional. He scrolled to his messages. He had twelve voice mails. He hit call, his heart pounding as he pulled the truck away from the curb.

“It’s me, honey.” Dorrie’s voice sounded strained. “Katherine’s on her way to the hospital. Jack’s riding in the ambulance with her. I’m going to take Hayden with me to the emergency room. You’ll meet us there?”

Ambulance? He turned to stone. Fear beat with enough force to break granite. He listened, driving on autopilot. There was a beep and another voice. This time it was Danielle’s. “Spence? I’m heading for the hospital now. I thought you would want to know that Katherine is being prepped for surgery. I don’t know how bad it is, but they are afraid for the baby. Call me when you get this.”

The beep that ended the message felt like a final tone from a heart monitor. He checked the time. Dani’s call had come less than an hour ago. Surely everything was okay, right? He couldn’t stand to listen to the rest of the messages. He hit Dani’s cell number and nearly drove through a red light.

He hit the brakes, slid to a stop and drew in a shaky breath. He had to calm down. Tonight had been one bummer of a night. He prayed it wasn’t about to get worse.

“H
ere you are, Dorrie.” Lucy set tea on the end table in the small waiting room. “The cafeteria had limited choices.”

“It’s fine, dear, don’t you worry.” Dorrie sniffed, somber and teary-eyed. “It’s something hot to soothe my nerves. Thank you for fetching this for me. It was good of you to come.”

“Danielle called, so I came. It’s that simple.” Lucy had been halfway home fighting the roads and tears when her cell phone rang. She eased into a chair on the end row next to Dani. “Katherine is a good friend to me. Of course I had to come.”

Most of the family had shown up. From Gran to Rebecca’s fiancé, Chad. Aubrey and William were still on the road. Only Spence was missing.

“It’s been so long. Why haven’t we heard?” Dorrie toyed with the tea bag. “Something’s gone wrong, I know it. Katherine was not in good shape. My poor little girl. I hate sitting here. I can’t do a thing for her.”

At her side, John McKaslin slipped his arm around her shoulder and drew her to his strong chest. “Jack promised to tell us the minute he has any news. All we can do is wait and pray. That’s what Katherine needs right now. Our prayers.”

“You’re right, John. Look at me. I’m falling to pieces.”

“I’m right here with you, sweetheart.” He kissed his wife’s cheek tenderly.

Lucy melted. Sweet, true love: What could be more important? She wrote about it in the quiet of her study, tapping out happily ever afters through long daily stretches of lonely work. True love was her dream and her only Christmas wish. It was impossible now.

She thought of Spence and how he had driven away the moment she had gotten her car started, as if eager to be rid of her. She had not imagined his feelings. He simply hadn’t felt as strongly—certainly not strongly enough to overcome what haunted him. Sadness crashed through her with tidal wave force.

Don’t think about it, Lucy. She banished all thoughts of Spence from her mind. She had to hold it together until she was home alone. She would not fall apart in front of his family. Her heart was shattered, but her sadness was nothing when compared to the reason they were gathered here, waiting for news. Katherine’s welfare and her baby’s life were paramount.

“Spence!” Dorrie’s face lit. “There you are. I was just starting to worry about you, too.”

“No need to worry about me.” Spence strode into the room, a mountain of a man dusted with melting snow. His face was granite, his jaw clenched, his hands fisted. “Katherine? The baby?”

“No word.”

Dorrie’s voice sounded far away, as if from a distance. Lucy kept her head low, fighting not to look at the man who had coldly rejected her an hour ago. His words kept replaying in her head. I don’t have a heart to give you.
The spirit of the season is not going to change me. You can’t change me.

But I have already given my heart to you, she thought, hating that her gaze went to him, always to him, against her will, against all hope. He looked like strength and decency and everything good in a man as he sank into an empty chair and buried his face in his hands. He sat still as iron. He didn’t even appear to be breathing.

Nor was he aware that she was in the room. Ouch. She released a deep, slow breath, letting the pain escape. The waiting room now felt too small. Spence’s presence seemed to be shrinking it, and seeing him was like looking at another wedding she wouldn’t have, another love she would never know, a family she would be forever without.

She grabbed her coat and her bag and stood.

“No, don’t go.” Danielle’s whisper came quietly. “He needs you to stay.”

“He? You mean Spence?” She remembered the man who had kissed her with untold gentleness, the man who now seemed a stranger. “No, he doesn’t need me. He never will. I came for Katherine.”

“Then stay for Katherine.”

“I’ll head down to pray.” Serious prayer seemed to be in order for all that had gone wrong this day. “Please call me if you hear any news.”

“Of course.” Tears stood in Danielle’s eyes. Maybe it was her fear for her sisters or maybe her brother.

Lucy, unable to say what she felt, slipped down the aisle. She nodded to Dorrie, John, Ava and Brice as she passed. Rebecca lifted an eyebrow in a silent question.

“Chapel,” Lucy whispered, not to disturb Lauren and Caleb, who were broth praying.

She had reached the last chair where the big man didn’t move. She felt him watching her as she slipped past. Her soul cracked into tiny bits as she walked away from him. What she would give if he would have reached out to her and told her that he needed her. She wanted nothing more than for Spence to be the man she had fallen in love with.

But he wasn’t. She stood in the wide archway with her back to the corridor for one final look at him. For all his strength and outwardly giving nature, he was a scrooge at heart. Everyone had been right about that. He had not truly loved her.

If only she could say the same. She padded into the long, empty corridor, feeling every step she took away from him. Loneliness wrapped around her. Bleakness filled her. All hope was gone, but not her love for him. No, that remained like a bright beacon that would not fail.

She acknowledged that it was a cruel twist of irony as she walked the echoing hallway, more alone than she had ever been.

“Spence, are you all right?” Rebecca slipped into the chair beside him and sidled up close enough that her shoulder bumped his, an act of comfort.

He stiffened. He didn’t accept comfort, not even from his family. “I’m worried about Katherine and her baby.”

“You’re taking this awful hard. Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared. But this is a really good hospital, and she has the best doctor in town. I know with God’s help they are doing everything they can for her and the baby.” Rebecca’s hand settled on his mid-back, another act of comfort from little sister to big brother.

He shrugged away from her. He didn’t need anyone or anything. Really, he didn’t. He especially didn’t need to walk in here and see Lucy Chapin sitting with his family. Or to watch her leave because he came into the room. The look on her face—

He screwed his eyes shut, fighting to keep from seeing the bleak misery on her face.

He’d done that to the one woman he had ever loved, to the woman he loved more than his life and with everything he had. He had wanted to reach out to her, but how? Even if he could figure that out, he had blown it with her. She probably hated him. He didn’t blame her. He pretty much felt that way, too.

“Jack.” Dorrie was already on her feet and rushing across the room.

“Katherine’s fine. The baby’s fine.” Jack looked exhausted as he held out his arms and wrapped Dorrie in them. Dorrie’s sobs of relief filled the room. “Our son weighs nine pounds, two ounces. They tell me he’s perfect.”

Everyone gathered around Jack. The sisters asked questions. What color is his hair? Who does he look like?

Spence felt frozen in place. His anxiety for Katherine hadn’t left him. He felt more tied up than ever. His chest felt so constricted that he wasn’t sure if he would ever breathe normally again. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He ought to be able to feel happy about this, to feel relieved, to feel something, anything, besides the suffocating grief on Lucy’s face.

He had hurt her more than he’d ever intended. And why? That’s what he didn’t get. Sure, he was hurting as if someone had taken a fireman’s ax to his soul, but that was because he was in love with Lucy. Of course ending things with her had hurt. So, why was she in agony?

Because maybe she had really been deeply in love with him. That realization came in a quiet, impossible voice. That was hope talking. That was his deep-seated wish for Lucy to love him; that was all and nothing more. It was his dreams talking, not hers. There was no way that anyone could love him that much.

“Are you all right, Son?”

He straightened up, surprised to find his dad seated beside him. “Just a long day.”

“It’s been quite a worry, but everything is all right. Looks to me like something else might be bothering you.” Dad was a kind man, always with little to say but patient when it came to listening.

He recognized that understanding look on his father’s face. He squared his shoulders, steeled his chest and did his best not to wonder if Lucy was still in the chapel. “You know me, Dad. Nothing is bothering me that a little hard work won’t cure.”

“All work makes for a lonely man. I noticed there was something between you and Lucy.” Dad was sharper than he appeared. “You’ve got serious feelings for her.”

“What I’ve got isn’t fatal. I’ll get over it.”

“I was sort of hoping you wouldn’t. I got to know Lucy when she was over for Thanksgiving dinner. Dorrie loves her. The girls rave about her. She might have herself quite a career, but she seems like a down-to-earth girl to me. The sort that might make a very good and loyal wife.”

“Where did you get an idea like that?”

“The wife part or the down-to-earth part?”

“Neither one matters to me.” He didn’t know why he had asked. “I’m a confirmed bachelor. I’m not going to be fooled by a fairy tale.”

“You know I love you, Son, but you are as stubborn as they come. Dorrie says you get that from me. I don’t know about that—”

“I agree. I’m not stubborn.” Spence tried to scowl but it came out a little like a grin.

“Me either.” Dad’s smile was brief. “Let me tell you something. Real love is no fairy tale. Look what Dorrie and I have. It’s lasted over twenty years. I’m not saying we haven’t had our challenges, but at the end of every day one thing remains the same. I love her. She loves me. We are a team.”

“You got lucky with Dorrie.”

“How do you know Lucy won’t be lucky for you?” Dad cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “Look at the girls. Every one of them has been just as blessed. I can’t thank God enough for finding good, true men for my daughters. I pray that you will find someone, too. But you gotta open up. You gotta let someone love you. Just might be that if you do, you’ll get exactly what you want. What we’ve all been praying for.”

“I’m happy with the way things are.” Spence watched disappointment slide across his dad’s face. “Sorry, but don’t waste your prayers on me.”

“You are my son. Loving you and praying for you will never be a waste. I’m sorry for you. It has been my wish you would have a son one day so you understand how Dorrie and I love you. How much you have been loved all this time.” Dad stood. “Looks like everyone’s heading off to see the baby. Are you coming?”

He shook his head. His father’s words were like bullets embedding deep.
You gotta let someone love you. I’m sorry for you. It has been my wish you would have a son one day.

A son. That was a lethal blow.

“C’mon, Spence.” Rebecca was at his side. “Don’t you want to see your new nephew?”

“No.” He frowned. He wanted to say “yes.” But the truth was, he didn’t know how he would handle it right now. His heart was with Lucy, always Lucy, beautiful, precious, loving Lucy.

He wanted Lucy more than he wanted life. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her—provide for her—protect her, take care of her all the days of his life. Simply thinking of her made joy rush through him like Christmas morning, and he longed for her love with every unused corner of his soul.

“I’ll wait here. Let everyone else go ahead.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with you, Spence.” Caring, that was Rebecca. “I’m usually pretty good at interpreting you, but you’re like steel. I can’t tell anything at all.”

Steel, huh? He grimaced. Once he had thought being stoic and unfeeling was a good thing. Now, he was no longer sure. He wasn’t sure about anything. Everything he thought he knew and believed in seemed turned around, but he didn’t want to be steel, cold and without life.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind is all.” He took a long look at his baby sister, all grown up with her soft brown curls and diamond engagement ring glittering on her left hand. Chad waited for her patiently at the doorway, ready to take her to the maternity wing just down the hall. Their wedding was next month. The last sister would be married.

Where had the time gone? He wasn’t sure. The years kept going by, each one faster and busier than the next. His sisters had found love and life and were starting families. All he had left was loneliness and his fears.

“You go on without me,” he said kindly. “Don’t worry about me, Becca.”

“I can’t help it. I don’t want to leave you here all alone.”

He looked around at the empty chairs and quiet room. He
was
alone. “Chad’s waiting for you.”

She gave him a sad smile before she rose from the chair. Chad took her hand, and they walked away together, their silence somehow content and their loving bond unmistakable. Spence got to his feet, feeling choked by the emptiness around him and within him.

The hallway offered no relief. Distant sounds echoed down the long stretch of corridor to his right. To his left were the double doors that led into the maternity area, but instead of his feet taking him there, they carried him to the hallway’s end, where a large sitting area was tucked into a corner surrounded by windows.

The cold dark night drew him. He stood at the glass, looking past his own reflection to the snow-covered world outside. A lone figure was ambling down the walkway. He recognized that blue goose down coat and matching knit cap and hair the color of sunshine.

Lucy. Tenderness melted him like spring. Peace came to him like heaven’s grace. He fisted his hands, steeled his willpower and forced his feet to remain rooted in place. He would not go running after her like some love-struck fool.

She was heading toward the parking lot. Her head was down, her gait careful on the cement. Snow dappled over her. She seemed sad. He remembered how miserable she was when she had passed by him. Guilt assaulted him.

It had been the sensible, rational decision to break things off, he reasoned. It was for the best. One day he would look back and be extremely glad he let her go, right?

Right. If his heart wanted to cry out differently and if his soul felt defeated, then he could ignore that. He could stamp out every bit of feeling, every iota of grief and every last bit of love for her. Life was about hard work and responsibility, not dreams and not love. And if his vision was blurring, then it had nothing to do with Lucy. He was overcome with happiness for Katherine, that was it. Yes, he insisted, stubbornly. Lucy had no effect on him whatsoever.