Hip Hop Heat (10 page)

The sun beamed down unmercifully as Lalana walked from the gas station's storefront to her car. It hadn't dawned on her that this was a holiday weekend until she realized tons of people were in line for gas.
God I'm out of it
, she thought to herself.

With a full tank of gas, Lalana headed down Pacific Coast Highway, vowing not to stop until she reached Malibu. As she drove, she tried thinking of explanations for her unannounced visit. Nothing Lalana thought of made any sense. She figured she'd just wing it.

By the time she pulled up at MC ROC's beach house, all of Lalana's nerve had vanished. She drove past the house, made a U-turn, and drove by again slowly. She had come too far to not at least go knock on the door.

"He's probably not even there," she said aloud, parking her car in ROC's driveway and hopping out. She didn't see the Bentley.

Lalana marched up to the front door and knocked two times.

"Hold up a sec," she heard ROC call. So much for him not being there.

Realizing she only had a few seconds to come up with something, Lalana began to feel the full extent of her anxiety. But as she readied herself to run back to her car, the door swung open. The expression on ROC's face told Lalana that while he may have been expecting someone, it definitely wasn't her.

ROC frowned. "Uh, hey, whassup?" Then, a pause. "Um, I ordered some food."

Lalana couldn't remember ever seeing his face without a smile.

"Um, hey yourself," she giggled nervously.

ROC turned to look over his shoulder, then turned back to her.

"Nah, I mean,
why
you here, man?" he asked, his face twisted and his voice irritated.

"Is that finally the food?" a female voice asked.

"Ah, nah, it's not the food, but um, I need to take care of this," he said.

Lalana struggled to avoid bursting into tears. She swallowed dry and hard and felt like a fool for thinking she could just show up at this man's place unannounced.

ROC stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind him. The look on his face made Lalana's heart race. What would he say? What would he do? He seemed nervous to her, but she didn't know why.

"How'd you get out here?" he asked. Again the edge to his voice was not the least bit friendly.

"Um, I thought... well, I needed to talk to you," she stammered. Lalana shifted her weight to one foot, then the other. She began to feel unworthy beneath his scrutiny.

"You don't know me, man!" he shouted. ROC bit down on his lip and looked around nervously. "I mean, what could you have to say to me? Shit, we spent one damn weekend together!"

Lalana's bottom lip wouldn't stop quivering. She felt so stupid, standing there being berated by him.

"It was cool when you showed up at the signing, then I look up and you at my release party, acting like you too good to get down and shit, now you pop up here at my crib?" He shook his head. "This shit ain't even cool, man."

Lalana hesitated. "So you... um, are you trying to tell me you don't feel
anything
for me?" she asked. It was too late to pull the words back.

"Man," he laughed, and rubbed his stomach, "I feel somethin' for you... yeah, when you down there licking my balls. Other than that," he shook his head, "you just another groupie trynta' get me to
wife
you, and I'm here to tell you, it ain't gonna' happen, Boo."

Lalana's eyebrows bunched together as her eyes filled with tears. "So, the contest," she managed, shaking her head and shrugging.

"Yeah, the contest, what about it, man? You signed a release!"

Lalana had no idea why she even brought it up. But before she could find the words to respond to ROC, the women's voice from inside the house came again. "I'm the winner of the 'Party with a Rapstar' contest. Were you looking for me?"

A woman in a skimpy bronze bikini had opened the front door and stood looking at Lalana, smiling. "I'm so excited to be spending the weekend with him," she smiled at MC ROC. "He's my favorite rapper."

When neither Lalana nor MC ROC acknowledged she had spoken, Lalana flicked a surprised glance at him.

"Um, is she here to interview me?" the girl asked, her long hair glistening in the sunlight. She was very pretty, with a near perfect body. Lalana looked her up and down and despite the fact that this situation was more than awkward, she mentally compared herself to the woman. Lalana stood, enraged with envy.

"No, I was last month's winner," Lalana said, looking directly at MC ROC with contempt.

He didn't seem to notice.

"Oooh, oops, my bad," the girl said, then began to back walk toward the front door. "I had no idea," she said apologetically.

"No, don't worry about it, it's my fault, I didn't even realize there had been another contest," Lalana said.

MC ROC seemed unfazed by what was going on. Lalana didn't realize the woman was gone until she heard the door closing quietly behind her.

"Man, you trippin'," MC ROC said. He looked bored out of his mind.

"I don't know what I was thinking," Lalana said as she turned to leave.

"Yo, look, you gon' need to stop stalking me, or I'ma have to call the law and get one of them restraining orders and shit," he spat.

Lalana was disgusted.

For Lalana, the next three weeks passed in a flash. Her life consisted of work, home, and dodging Logan's phone calls. She felt like such a fool. She couldn't imagine facing him again, knowing MC ROC had probably told him what she had done. Lalana wondered if Logan was just calling to say
I told you so
.

Messages from Tina and Lisa went similarly unanswered. Lalana simply didn't feel like being bothered, and had no idea how to explain all that had happened. She could see how naïve she had been to fantasize a meaningful connection with MC ROC that so obviously didn't exist. His cheap confessions of missing her; his sporadic phone calls: all lies.

One evening after work, Lalana sat surfing the channels when a promo for a new show on BET caught her eye.

MC ROC's picture filled the screen. "He's the rapper haters love to hate... He's gone platinum, gold, then gold again. Now he's inviting you to take a peek inside his incredible world!"

"What the hell?" Lalana turned up the volume on the TV.

"That's right,' the voiceover continue, "
now
you get to ride shotgun as MC ROC takes us on an unforgettable trip through his life. 'Ride with ROC' is the new show based on the ups and downs of being an international, best-selling rap artist."

Lalana couldn't believe ROC was about to star in his own reality TV show. His face would be everywhere.

Lalana's phone rang.

"Oh, I see you watching BET too," Tina said.

"Yeah," Lalana said absentimindedly.

"So, why you been avoiding our calls?"

"I've just been in a mood."

"The kind of mood that makes you not want to talk to your friends?"

"I don't know how I allowed myself to get caught up. I mean, the shopping, hanging out at his beach house. I just felt important. I felt like, oh, I don't know."

"Lalana, you're not the first person to get all caught up, so get over it, move on."

"It's not that easy," Lalana lamented.

"Why not? Your life was fine before you won that stupid contest. Then, you got this man who genuinely cares about you and instead of giving
him
a shot, you running behind this clown. He's a jerk, you knew that before you agreed to go on that date, and he didn't do anything to prove anything different," Tina said.

Lalana knew her friend was right. MC ROC had a reputation for taking trouble whereever he went. He had spent so much time in the news: facing accusations of carrying unregistered weapons, roughing up a rival rapper and a DJ he claimed owed him money. MC ROC never had a choir boy image - not by a long shot - but something about him did it for Lalana.

"I just feel so stupid," Lalana whined.

"You shouldn't. Seriously, I think any one of us could get caught up like that," Tina insisted. "I mean, think about it. What do you think I would do if I won a date with Terrance Howard?" Before Lalana could answer, Tina continued. "Girl, you know exactly what I would do with his fine ass!"

"Tina?"

"I mean, he is so damn fine," Tina sang longingly.

"Uh, Tina?" Lalana called out to her again.

"Yeah, girl?"

"Let's not lose focus here."

"Oh, of course not. But you know how I get when it comes to Terrance, that's all I'm saying. And like I said before, yeah, you behaved like some star-struck hoochie, giving it up on the first night and all, but nobody's perfect and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same given the chance," Tina admitted. "But what I am saying now, is, your mistakes don't make you. So what, you did what you did, that's in the past. If you have any common sense in that head of yours, you'll get with Logan before he finds someone willing."

"Logan? Girl, please," Lalana replied.

"What's wrong with Logan?"

"Nothing, he's fine and all, but..."

"But what?"

"He's just not my type," Lalana defended.

"Oh, let's see, he's good looking, he's got manners, he knows how to treat you and he wears his jeans all the way up on his ass, and you trynta' tell me he's not your type?" Tina chuckled.

"I know it sounds strange, stupid even, but there's just something about him. I can't quite call it. I just know he doesn't get the job done for me."

"So you gave him some too?"? "Nah girl! You acting like it's just a free-for-all going on over here," Lalana said.

"That's what I'm saying, who knows, just 'cause he ain't the bad boy type you
think
you want, you need to look at where you've been. I mean, all the guys you kick it with are shady. Kenneth, Gary, Jessie, Chuck, should I continue?" Tina teased.

"No, I got you," Lalana laughed.

Tina had a point. All of Lalana's boyfriends had major issues. And the issues always caused problems. But despite their issues, she still found a reason to hang on. Kenneth could hardly hold on to a job, but he loved women. Gary had too much baby-mama drama; David was constantly breaking the law by driving on a suspended license; Chuck had problems with Lalana's success.

"You make a good point," Lalana admitted.

"I'm not telling you to be with Logan if there are no sparks there, but what I am telling you to do is expect more from these guys. True, you don't have any guarantees that he is who you say he is. Have some standards, let them live up to those, then go from there," Tina said.

Lalana was surprised to find she actually felt better talking to Tina.

"So, you good?" Tina asked.

"I'm good," Lalana confirmed.

"Okay, cool, I need to run, but I'm glad we were able to talk. You've been on my mind for weeks and not talking to you gave me a bad feeling. I'm just glad to know everything is all right."

"I don't know if I'd say everything is all right," Lalana told her.

"Girl, please! That mess with that rapper, that's a blessing in disguise," Tina continued. "Watch, you can mark my words."

Lalana hoped her friend was right.

Tina's words stayed with Lalana into the wee hours of the morning. MC ROC had been a jerk; she knew he was one from the very beginning. But something in her thought she could change that. Now, she felt like she was back at square one, alone, lonely, and of course, horny. Again.

She told Tina she'd reach out to Logan, but she needed some time. She decided to at least allow him to come after her. She just wanted to make sure she wasn't again reading someone wrong. This time, she'd handle the situation in the right way. Lalana also vowed to forget about the stupid curse she always believed haunted the women in her family.

When Lalana announced years earlier her decision to move to California for college, her mother was indifferent; her sister behaved as if Lalana had just confessed to being abducted by Martians. She knew then what she still knew years later: the move had been the best thing for her.

The decision was made. Lalana would thank Logan for his kindness, and honestly tell him
he
just didn't do it for her. She didn't know quite how she would do it, but knew she would.

Still, Lalana had to admit that she wanted a man. A little voice in her head told her she wouldn't be able to go on without a partner. And once she started thinking about not having someone special in her life, Lalana began really thinking about what she wanted. She wanted to feel like a woman. She wanted someone who would caress her clit so she could find relief before falling asleep each night.

Lalana went to the bathroom and reached underneath the sink. She pulled out her seven-inch vibrator and ran her fingers over the soft studs covering it. The toy was designed for ultimate pleasure; but at this moment, Lalana would gladly take
any
kind of pleasure. She flipped the switch and watched the plastic muscle vibrate in her hand. The sensation felt a bit weak, so Lalana quickly changed the batteries to ensure she wouldn't be disappointed.

This time, instead of jumping on the bed, Lalana pulled the mirror in front of the closed closet door. She took off her silk gown and tossed it to the side.

"Come on, Daddy," she cooed.

Lalana spread her legs then reached down and placed the head on her engorged clit. She knew she was hungry, but she didn't expect to be so wound up. "Mmmmm." She closed her eyes and ventured into the darkest corner of her mind.

Lalana didn't want MC ROC tonight. She wanted worthless Kenneth, instead. The thought of what was about to happen drove her mad. Lalana's breathing quickened as images of Kenneth danced around in her mind. He was always rough around the edges, and Lalana enjoyed when he brought that bravado into the bedroom.

"Fuck me," Lalana whispered. She envisioned herself talking to him like a nasty girl. That was the kind of girl he used to tell her she needed to be.

"Fuck me the way a nasty girl would. I know you got it in you,"
he would say.

Her clit felt like it was on fire when she took the vibrator and placed it where it belonged. "Fuck me," she cried.

Lalana pushed the vibrator into her moist flesh harder. "Yesssss," her heart rate escalated.

She wanted this to last. She didn't mind pleasing herself, but she knew there was no true substitute for a good, hard, stiff dick. Lalana used the tool to drill deeper and deeper. It filled her, and with her juices flowing, she groaned so loudly she worried neighbors would soon be knocking on the walls.

The earth moved when she finally came. Lalana's wetness completely saturated her hands. She finally felt relief.

Lalana pulled herself up from the floor, wiped herself, washed her toy, carefully put it back, and pulled her nightgown back on. She reached into her nightstand and removed a silk sleep mask. Lalana was physically and emotionally spent.

She didn't want to get up when her alarm woke her the next morning. There was much to do, but Lalana didn't know where to begin.
How about I start by finding a deserving man?
She asked herself. Lalana chuckled to herself. "Maybe I could do one of those on-line dating programs," she said as she headed for the shower.

She could visit Matchmaker.com or one of the other popular sites, Lalana thought while turning on the shower. As she washed herself, Lalana made a mental note to ask Tina what was the acceptable amount of time to wait for sex these days. It may have sounded strange, but she no longer knew the rules. There was no point in asking Lisa, since she would claim she and Shawn were exclusive and she had no clue. Lalana didn't know if there was still stigma attached to giving it up too soon. She didn't even know what
too soon
was anymore.

She had justified her actions with MC ROC by telling herself it was okay to put out because she already knew so much about him. Lalana had followed his career from its infancy, so she already felt like she knew him. ROC, she decided, was an exception to this new rule.

A lightbulb went off, and Lalana knew finally what she needed to do. She'd find herself an online group where people were looking for a good time. She didn't want any strings attached. She just wanted to get nailed when and how she wanted it, without having to explain or expect anything from anyone.

By mid-afternoon, most of Lalana's errands were completed. She didn't look forward to spending another Saturday night home alone, but she also didn't feel like trolling the clubs. That's what Tina and Lisa were doing tonight. Lisa and Shawn were fighting, and Tina planned to have David meet them out. Lalana figured she'd go rent a few movies, have some wine and hope for the best.

She rushed to make a 3:30 hair appointment, stopped at the liquor store, and headed home. Lalana grabbed some bags from her trunk and walked toward her front door.

"Need some help?" Lalana turned her head to find Logan standing several feet behind her.

"Jesus!" she cried. "You scared me."

"I didn't mean to show up here unannounced," Logan said, smiling, "but you stopped returning my calls. Then you stopped taking them." He took two bags from Lalana's arms with ease.

"Yeah, I've been doing some soul searching," Lalana admitted.

"Did I do something to upset you?"

"You know you didn't," she chuckled.

"I just wanted to make sure."

Logan placed the bags on Lalana's kitchen counter. She seized her opportunity.

"You got anything else in the car?" Logan asked.

"No," she shook her head. Lalana leaned against the refrigerator. "Listen Logan," she began. "I've been wanting to talk to you, I just didn't know how to start."

"That bad, huh?" Logan asked with a grin.

"I wouldn't say bad," Lalana said.

"You let me be the judge of that."

"I think you're a nice guy," she started. Disappointment quickly clouded Logan's face.

"I'm serious, I think you're a really nice guy, but honestly, things wouldn't be right between you and me. What I'm saying is, I like you as a friend, but we've already been through so much, it just wouldn't be right to try and turn this into anything more."

As she spoke, Logan watched her every move. He didn't fuss, and he didn't ask her to reconsider. He just stood there, listened, and allowed Lalana to finish her thoughts.

"Well?" Lalana asked, "What do you think?"

"I think I want you to be happy," Logan answered. "If you don't think things would be right between us, I have to respect that."

Lalana wondered why he had to be such a damn class act. No fuss, no fight. She wanted to feel like she was making the right decision, but she couldn't.

"So I guess that's it then," she said.

"Yeah, I guess so," Logan confirmed. He turned away, then quietly walked out of Lalana's life.