Himiko: Warrior (6 page)

He sat by the tree for hours, hugging himself and staring out at the forest surrounding him. He had no idea how much time had passed, and he started when a movement at the corner of his vision tore him out of this thoughts. It was dusk, and his body was stiff when he tried to get up.

"I don't think you should spend the night here." Pietr's voice was subdued, and he didn't try to reach Matt mentally.

Matt nodded. He cringed when Pietr took hold of his good arm to help him up, though.

Pietr froze. Then his mate pulled him carefully to his feet, avoiding all but the most necessary touch.

The walk back to the cabin took forever. Matt was exhausted, his head hurting and his body so tired that he had no other choice than to let Pietr support him. It was either that or be carried, and Matt had no wish to be that close to Pietr. He felt Pietr flinch at that thought and pulled further back mentally. He couldn't bear being this intimate after what he had learned about his mate.

Back at the cabin, Pietr helped him into the bathroom, turning on the water and leaving him alone to undress.

He clambered into the tub and sat down, pulling his legs up and cradling his left arm while the water slowly rose around his body. The warmth took away the numb feeling and loosened his tense muscles. It also took away his defenses, and Matt bent his head and wept. He didn't do anything to stop it or to wipe his cheeks, just gave in to the misery and cried. His mate had betrayed him, and there was nowhere for him to go, no way to make this better.

He was completely empty when Pietr came and helped him out of the tub later. He had stopped crying at some point, and now he let Pietr support him while he stepped out of the tub. He shrank away when Pietr tried to dry him, though. He noticed the pain on Pietr's face, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He dried himself and got dressed. Then he stopped out of the bathroom, not knowing what to do.

"There's some food. You should eat."

Matt sat down without a word. He couldn't even tell what it was that he ate, only that it tasted like cardboard. When he had finished, he went into the bedroom and lay down, keeping his clothes on.

"I'll sleep in the other bedroom." The quiet defeat in Pietr's voice hurt some part of Matt, but he pushed it down and ignored the feeling.

It took a long time before he fell asleep.

***

For the next couple of days, Matt avoided Pietr as much as possible. Which wasn't a lot; Matt was still so weak that he could hardly move. The long walk to the clearing in the woods had definitely been too strenuous for him, and he was sore and exhausted.

He couldn't keep up the block against their mental connection all the time. His bruised brain was still too battered to do what he wanted most of all: to shut Pietr out entirely. The brief glimpses of Pietr's mind were enough to make it all start again, the disgust and sorrow over losing someone who had meant everything to him. His head was pounding all the time, the stress and mourning worsening the after-effects of the concussion.

Pietr was there, but kept a certain distance all the time, looking defeated and worried. Even with the lack of contact, being this close was still almost unbearable for Matt, the sight of Pietr constantly reminding him what he had lost. It made him feel sick, making eating impossible, and that only made him feel worse.

On the evening of the fourth day after Pietr told him, his mate came out to where Matt was standing on the terrace, finally breaking the silence.

"I think you should talk to Robbie. You don't look well." Even through the block, Matt could feel how hard it was for Pietr not to check for himself how Matt was feeling, and how much his mate worried about him.

"What does it matter?" Matt didn't know how to keep the apathy out of his voice, and he didn't care.

"Matt, please."

"You have no right to ask me to do anything!" Matt spun around so fast he got dizzy, but he refused to take Pietr's hand when he staggered. "You have no fucking right to do that."

"I know." Pietr dropped his hand, looking both ashamed and pleading. "I know. But, please, Matt. You really don't look well."

"Of course I'm not fucking well! I just found out you're everything I despised. I loved you, Pietr!" The anger welled up in Matt, its force so powerful that he almost choked.

Pietr looked at him, eyes raw with helplessness and remorse.

"I loved you! Pietr, I loved you." He couldn't breathe, and he clung to his anger, the only thing keeping him from breaking down. "You're a fucking monster." His voice broke.

"I know." Pietr didn't protest, didn't do anything to defend himself.

It only made Matt angrier, and he was dizzy with it now, his head pounding so hard that he was losing his ability to focus. "I fucking hate you! You're mine, and I hate you!"

He was choking, and he didn't know if it was tears or dizziness that blinded him, made him stagger. Then Pietr's arms were around him, and it was impossible to keep up his shields against the one he needed more than anything. He let his defenses down, throwing all of his anger and despair and disgust against his mate. Pietr took it all and held him tightly.

He clung to his mate, fighting to breathe between the sobs. It felt so good to be united with Pietr again, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. He didn't want it to feel good, but it was Pietr. And Pietr was his.

He rested his head in the crook of Pietr's neck, letting himself breathe in the scent of his mate for a long time after he had stopped crying. He refused to think about anything, refused to explore any of Pietr's feelings. Pietr slowly rubbed his back.

"I think I need something to eat." His voice was raw from crying and shouting.

Relief welled up in Pietr's mind, but his mate just nodded.

"I'll make you something. A bit of painkiller would be good for you, too." Pietr pulled back and went to the kitchen, heating something up in the oven. He was keeping his feelings carefully out of the way.

They sat down to eat, and the food actually tasted like something, in contrast to the last couple of days. Matt didn't talk, just ate his food.

When he was done, Pietr handed Matt a pill, and he took it without protesting. He sat at the table while Pietr cleaned up, and he felt how the drug kicked in, taking away most of his pain and making him sleepy.

"Time to go to bed." Matt blinked his eyes open, looking up at Pietr. Then he nodded and let Pietr help him into the bedroom.

His mate lay down next to him, and Matt felt a brief flash of gratitude. Then he fell asleep.

His first impulse next morning was to reach out for his mate. Even as he extended his arm, though, he remembered what Pietr had done. Matt abruptly pulled his arm back. He lay down next to his sleeping mate, staring at the ceiling.

He couldn't fathom what Pietr had told him. Matt had spent a long time coming to terms with the fact that the Himika weren't the monsters he had thought they were. Now it turned out that his mate really was a monster. Pietr had to be to have planned something like the kidnapping and torment of so many people.

Matt closed his eyes in pain. It didn't add up; he couldn't imagine his gentle mate committing such atrocities. But Pietr had admitted to doing it, and Matt could feel that Pietr had been telling him the truth. He had no idea what to do next. Pietr would wake up in a moment, and then Matt would have to talk to Pietr, facing everything his mate had done.

It didn't make matters easier that he only felt that way intellectually. Physically, the longing for his mate was ingrained in Matt's body. His mind stubbornly refused to give in to that desire yet. As a matter of fact, his mind refused to even acknowledge "yet" at all.

When Pietr woke up, it turned out to be easier than Matt had thought. Pietr didn't go near him. It almost felt as if they had reached some kind of truce. Pietr kept a polite distance; he wasn't avoiding mental contact, but he wasn't letting any feelings show, either.

Matt had always known before what his mate felt, but this time, he wasn't sure. It confused him. He could feel that Pietr hadn't pulled back completely, but it was as if some parts of his mate were missing. Pietr was caring and very attentive, focused on Matt's every need, but apart from that, the Himiko never took the initiative in either physical or mental contact.

It was a strange dance, and it wasn't even a day before Matt had tired of it. Patience had never been his strong suit, and his head was throbbing with the challenge of figuring out what was going on.

"What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Pietr looked up in surprise from where he had been pretending to read a book. He hadn't been; his eyes had been fixed on the same page while his mind had been blank. Matt had no idea why he was pretending like this.

"I... I'm giving you what you need." Pietr had been speaking out loud all day, keeping their mental contact to a minimum.

Matt's eyes narrowed. "And what do I need, according to you?"

"You need me to be near so you won't get stressed about our bond stretching too much or for too long."

"And that's all I need?"

Pietr looked confused. "I think so."

"What about an apology?"

Pietr's shoulders fell, and he looked down. "There's no way an apology can make up for what I've done." His voice was quiet.

"No, of course it can't, you idiot."

Pietr looked at him.

"But you can apologize for not telling me before."

Pietr just shook his head. "No. I couldn't tell you."

This was driving Matt insane. "You're not exactly doing anything to explain yourself."

Pietr just shook his head, a stubborn look on his face. "I can't tell you."

He looked so miserable that Matt reached out for his mate mentally, a bit hesitant. Once again, he got that strange, superficial contact. Pietr was eager to care for him, but was keeping any feelings out of the way.

"Why are you doing this?" Matt was exasperated.

Pietr looked steadily at him. "It's all you need from me. I can't spare you from my presence, but at least I can limit it to a tolerable level of contact."

"'A tolerable level of contact?'" Matt blinked.

Pietr didn't. "Yes."

Matt exploded. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He used all of his sorrow, all of his hurt to tear Pietr's defenses down and push deep into his mate's real feelings. Pietr didn't want to allow him entrance there, but his mate was too wary of hurting him to resist much.

What he saw there stunned him. The sorrow was overwhelming, and so was the self-loathing. Pietr hadn't done what he had done without thought for the consequences. Each and every human destiny was etched into his mind, and so was the terror and the suffering of the people who had been harvested.

Don't!
Pietr cried out, desperate to hide his memories from Matt.
This isn't your burden to bear.

What the fuck do you mean by that?
Matt was fuming with anger.
How dare you hide from me!
He
tore deeper, relentlessly digging to see why his mate had been hiding so much from him. That was when he met the fear.

Please, don't, Matt!

But Matt had already seen it, seen how scared Pietr was about anybody finding out how he felt -- about Matt finding out how he felt -- because of what would happen then.

They would kill you?
Matt had to ask; he couldn't believe what he saw in his mate's mind.

You can't tell anyone!
Pietr's mental voice was pure desperation.

And me? They would kill me, too?
Matt didn't even get scared; he couldn't believe it.

Oh, believe it.
Pietr's inner voice became bitter as well as desperate.
He'll get rid of anyone who doesn't agree with the way things are done here.

Who?
Instead of the vague "they" from before, Pietr was talking about someone specific here. Matt couldn't tell who it was, though; he had come to realize that some things were hidden so deeply in Pietr's mind that even Matt couldn't get to them.

Pietr stepped close, grabbing Matt's arms and holding on hard. Matt winced as the grip jarred his shoulder, but Pietr didn't let him go.
I'm not telling you.

Matt was about to protest, but Pietr wouldn't let him talk.

It's for your own safety. The risk is smaller if you don't know.

Matt could tell that Pietr was sincere. It still bothered him.
But why? And how can you even do that?
They had been so close for so long that it boggled Matt to learn that Pietr had been keeping a secret from him for all this time.

You kind of hide it from yourself, too. And I did it to keep you safe.

That's why I never found out what you do?

Pietr nodded.
Yes. It was safer that way.
And his mate was willing to do anything to keep him safe.

Matt felt as if his entire life had been turned upside down in the last couple of days.

Again, you mean.
There was a slight attempt at humor in Pietr's inner voice.

Matt huffed.
Yeah, again. You have a habit of that.
He leaned close, and he could feel the incredulity in Pietr's mind as he did so. Matt was a little surprised, too. He had just obeyed his body's desperate need to be close to its mate. Then he felt how Pietr's mind was filled with gratitude, and Pietr hugged him so tightly that he lost his breath.

Hey, don't try to kill me, stupid!

Pietr reluctantly loosened his grip.
Again, you mean.
A rueful laughter went through his mind.

Hey, you haven't succeeded yet.
Matt pushed as close as possible.
Neither have I, come to think of it, even if I tried really hard a couple of times.

Are you trying to say that we're equally big fuck-ups?

It was such a brave attempt at getting back to normal that Matt could only hold on tightly.
Well, you can't say that this has been boring.

Pietr held on to Matt without answering. Matt could feel him trying not to ask what was going to happen now. The fear of the answer was clear in his mind.

I don't know, Pietr. I've no idea what's going to happen. The one thing I do know is that you didn't do this voluntarily.

Fuck, no.
Pietr's inner voice was vehement.
I'd do anything to be able to change what I did. But I wasn't strong enough, and at least I had some sort of control this way. It could have been worse. A lot worse.

Matt shuddered. He didn't want to know what could have been worse than what the Himika had already done.

No, you really don't.
Pietr hugged him again. Matt was about to ask him something else when Pietr led him to the couch.

You need to rest, Matt.

Matt was about to protest, but he did feel exhausted, and his head was pounding.

You need to take it easy. You still have a concussion, and the last couple of days haven't been good for you.
Pietr felt guilty about that, too.

Matt reached out for him when he went to make dinner.
We'll figure this out, Pietr. I'm not going anywhere.
The words took Matt by surprise as well; he was still hurt, but he knew he couldn't let Pietr go.

The relief in Pietr's mind was immense.
Okay. Rest, then I'll get you something to eat.

Matt nodded. That he could do.

***

They spent the rest of the evening mostly in silence, Pietr taking care of Matt and being close to him. It felt good, and Matt's headache cleared up a bit now that he didn't have so much to worry about.

Matt had to know more, though. Next morning, he sat Pietr down on the couch after breakfast. He had a lot of questions.

You were in charge of the recruiting after the invasion?
Matt still didn't know how to react to that.

It's not an invasion. At least it was never intended to be.
Pietr was quiet, the shame coursing through his mind at the thought of what he had done.
I never meant it to go this wrong.

The images in his head weren't nice: the fear in the eyes of the people being harvested, the feeling of losing yet another human to insanity when someone couldn't cope with the operation. Matt shuddered.

Pietr hesitated when he felt Matt's reaction to his thoughts. Then he appeared to make a decision.

There weren't that many casualties, Matt. I know the media published each and every one of them and a couple that weren't ours at all. We've only had three fatalities and four people who escaped before we could help them accept their abilities. There are others who've got problems, but we're treating them, and they will make it.

Matt frowned.
But there were thousands who were harvested.

Pietr shook his head.
No. I know some people got that impression, but it was only a few hundred. I'm not trying to diminish my role in this, but I want you to know how it really was.

No way. I'm sure it's a lot more than that.
Matt couldn't believe this, but at the same time, he could feel that Pietr was telling the truth.

I know. That's what fear does to people. And I'm deeply sorry about that.

But I was fucking terrified!

Pietr cringed mentally.
I know. And I'm not saying that your fear wasn't substantiated; I'm just saying that you were scared.

And not thinking clearly. Did I really get it that wrong?
Matt put into words what Pietr was reluctant to say.

Pietr shrugged, unwilling to concede that the extent of the Himiko threat might have been exaggerated by Matt's imagination.
Maybe a bit, at least in your understanding of the extent of the harvesting. Again: that's what fear does to people. It's our fault entirely.

But to get back to my job: Yes, I was in charge of the recruiting.
Pietr seemed determined to get everything about his own role out in the open now.

I planned the recruiting before we came here, and I was in charge of implementing and maintaining the procedures when we got here. It's all my responsibility.
The feeling as Pietr pulled back, preparing for Matt to shout at him, be disgusted with him, leave him, sent a surge of compassion through Matt.

He straddled his mate and put his good arm around Pietr while taking his mate's hand with the other.
I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere.

I know you can't, but this isn't what you deserve. You wouldn't have chosen me if you knew.
The shame in Pietr's mind was overwhelming.

Shh. You probably wouldn't have chosen a human with a bad temper, either, but we're kind of stuck with each other now.
In spite of everything, they were still bonded, and Matt was desperate to chase away the despair in his mate's mind.

You're stuck with a life you never wanted, with a mate you never wanted. I... Some call me a murderer.

You're not!
Matt tightened his hold on Pietr, intent on comforting his mate.
Did you want it to be this way? Did you want humans to go insane, to have them hate you like this?

No! This is nothing like what I wanted, but humans and Himika need to get to an understanding, and the... he wouldn't let me change anything.

The Assessor?

The shock in Pietr's mind almost numbed Matt.