Highway To Armageddon (8 page)

           
“Harpoon, please go grab Lance’s robe out of his bedroom,” I say. Harpoon jumps
up and rushes into the room. I open the medicine cabinet and withdraw a bottle
of rubbing alcohol and some gauze.

           
Lance’s eyes widen in fear. “Oh no, you’re not rubbing that crap on me.”

           
“Lance, don’t be stupid,” I snap irritably, grabbing his badly scarred right
arm. “Your wounds are going to get infected.”

           
Lance bites his lip, but he can’t help but groan and grunt when I pour the
alcohol along his various wounds. I dab the wounds with a cloth, then I wrap
gauze around his bicep. I do this to his legs, his stomach, his back, and a few
other places. Pretty soon he looks like a mummy that ran out of wrap. Harpoon
hands Lance his robe, which he gingerly puts on. I grab an icepack out of the
fridge and hand it to him, which he immediately places over his bruised right
eye. It may take a few weeks, but I have full faith Lance will fully recover.
He always does.

           
“What about you?” Lance asks, pointing at the bruises on my cheeks.

           
“I’ll be fine,” I say, waving him off. “Your injuries are much more severe.”

           
Lance is about to say something, but Blade excitedly says, “Why are you guys so
beat up? Who did you go after this time?”

           
“Yeah Lance, tell us!” Harpoon exclaims.

           
Lance proceeds to rattle off an animated tale of how we nearly took down one of
America’s most wanted criminals. Harpoon and Blade stare at Lance in wide-eyed
wonder, gasping and cheering at all the appropriate points. They really are the
world’s cutest kids. Blade is turning into such a handsome young man. He
reminds me so much of Dagger and Lance, with his shaggy blond hair, intense
blue eyes, strong jawline, and his slender but athletic looking physique. I can
see why all the neighborhood girls want to hang out with him.

           
Harpoon is just as cute. She is turning into a stunning young woman. Her long,
blonde hair dangles over her face as she follows Lance’s story with the same
intensity one would have watching an action-packed movie.

           
Lance finishes his tale without telling the kids we got screwed out of a
lucrative bounty. We try not to bother them with our monetary concerns. It’s
not something they should have to worry about.

           
Harpoon and Blade stare at Lance and me with huge, approving grins. They think
we’re superheroes or something, and it flatters me to no end.

           
After Lance finishes his death-defying story, he and I move to the living room
to watch the news. Krystal comes in a few seconds later. We always check out
the news because it gives us ideas and clues as to who we should go after next.
We’re always on the lookout for a lucrative bounty.

           
According to the reporter on CNN, there was a car bomb in the slums of
Sanctuary 3 today, killing 60 and wounding over 200. The police believe it was
the work of Canadian terrorists. And apparently over in China, Mikhail
Rasputin’s terror group, the Purple Dragons, blew up an elementary school,
killing nearly 300. They also attacked a police academy, killing dozens, and
are thought to have blown up a plane over Russia, killing another 150 people.

           
After that is a video of the Chinese Empress sitting atop her pile of skulls,
speaking to the American people in Chinese. (An English translation scrolls
across the bottom.) Speaking in a monotone, unemotional voice, the 17 year old
Empress of the world’s largest superpower accuses the United States of the
Americas of harboring Mikhail and thereby supporting his terrorist tactics. She
demands President Klaxton abide by the Klaxton-Xing peace treaty signed while
her parents were still alive and assist the Chinese in capturing Mikhail, a man
with the blood of thousands of Chinese on his hands. (The Chinese seem to
believe Mikhail is hiding out here, even though there’s absolutely no evidence
supporting that crazy theory.) If the Americans do not comply, the Empress
continues, she may be compelled to send special ops forces in after him. That,
of course, would be a precursor to world war. Video breaks away to footage of
several Chinese aircraft carriers about 150 miles off the coast of Alaska.

           
The video cuts back to the reporters, who appear visibly stunned.

           
As the news correspondents plunge into hysteria, I simply roll my eyes, as does
Lance. We both know the U.S. and China will never go to war. Both empires have
thousands of nuclear and antimatter warheads pointed at each other. Just like
the Cold War in the mid-20
^th
century, there will be a lot of
posturing and accusations, but no war. At least, I hope that’s the
case.  

           
“Well ain’t that some shit,” Krystal says, standing up and stretching. “I bet
Klaxton is hiding Rasputin.”

           
Lance blows raspberries. “That’s ridiculous. I think we can all agree that
Klaxton is a cold, arrogant, psychotic tyrant, but even she isn’t stupid enough
to risk another world war just to help some Russian terrorist.”

           
“You know what they say,” Krystal says, chomping on an apple from the fruit
basket. “
The enemy of my enemy is my friend
.”

           
I’m about to say something, but then I realize Krystal may have a point. She
really is a lot smarter than she lets on.

           
“I’m about to get a shower and put on a new wig,” Krystal says, rummaging
around in her wig closet. She pulls out a bright blue one with green streaks.
“What do you guys think of this one?”

           
“It’s perfect if you’re thinking about going to clown school,” Lance replies.
The kids giggle.

           
Krystal hurls her half-eaten apple at Lance, who catches it in mid-air and eats
around her bite-marks. Krystal mutters some unflattering remarks and storms
into the bathroom. Seconds later I hear the water running in the shower.

           
“Don’t use all the hot water!” I shout. Krystal is notorious for taking long
showers.

           
“God, I hate school!” Blade suddenly shouts, slamming his head on the table.

           
“Don’t say that, school’s cool,” Lance says, walking over to the dining room
table. I follow after them. (The news is depressing anyway.)

           
“You sound like some lame public service announcement,” I say, playfully
punching Lance in the arm. Deep down inside, though, I don’t think he’s ever
sounded sexier. I have a soft spot for men who value a good education.

           
“If school’s so cool, why do they make us do these hard-ass assignments?” Blade
whines.

           
“Hey, don’t cuss,” I snap. “I don’t know where you guys get that from.”

           
Lance, Harpoon, and Blade all stare at me with goofy grins.

           
“Really, Boom Boom?” Harpoon asks. “You have no idea?”

           
I roll up a piece of paper and toss it at her head. It bounces off and falls to
the floor while she giggles like a pig. I love her laugh so much.

           
I sit down across from Blade and ask, “What are you guys working on?”

           
Blade puts his head in his hands and grumbles, “I have to write a stupid report
on what started the Horrible Depression. I hate history!”

           
“Bite your tongue,” I say. “History can be fascinating if you have an open
mind.”

           
“But I don’t have an open mind!” Blade whines.

           
Lance chuckles. “What are you working on, Pumpkin?”

           
Harpoon looks up from her paper and says, “I’m writing a paper on why the U.S.
started using bounty hunters to fight crime. I could use your help, too, when
you get done with Dumbo over there.”

           
Harpoon points to Blade, who sticks out his tongue.

           
I pat Harpoon on her hand . “We’ll help you in a moment, dear. Now Blade, Lance
and I will be more than happy to help you, but we’re not writing your paper.”

           
“But you did last time and you got me an A!” Blade says.

           
“I only rewrote it because I was horrified at your terrible grammar and gross
historical inaccuracies,” I say bluntly. “And I got a call from your teacher
the following day asking if you really wrote it because it was so excellent.”

           
“What can I say, you’re a natural at writing essays,” Blade says in an attempt
to be cute. I have to admit it works.

           
“You are such a ham,” I say. “But I’m not writing your paper again.
You
write
it and Lance and I will give you a quick history lesson on the Horrible
Depression.”

           
Lance puts his feet up on the table and sticks his hands behind his head. “
You
can give him a history lesson, Firecracker. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the
show.”

           
I give Lance a dirty look, but I’m actually quite happy he’ll allow me to give
the history lesson uninterrupted. Lance is a smart guy, but history is definitely
not his forte.

           
Blade pops up his holographic screen and prepares to type. His face appears
distorted through the back of the quasi-transparent blue screen.
            “It’s
probably best to start at the beginning,” I say. Blade types a few words and
looks over the top of his screen, waiting for me to elaborate. Harpoon is busy
typing away on her computer, but I see her occasionally glancing at me, eager
to hear what I have to say. She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age,
a young girl thirsty for knowledge.

           
“Scientists started raising the alarm about climate change way back in the late
20
^th
century, but no one really took it seriously until the
catastrophic weather events of the second half of the 21
^st
century. World
governments poured trillions of dollars into geo-engineering projects to cool
our rapidly warming world, but by then it was too late. The damage had already
been done.

           
“By the end of the 21
^st
century the world population was well over
10 billion, but we didn’t have enough food, water, or space for that many
people. This resulted in devastating famines, droughts, and eventually dozens
of regional wars. Rainforests were decimated, deserts grew at an alarming rate,
sea levels rose dramatically, the oceans became acidic, and people died off in
droves. Famine, disease, war, and ultimately death… it was like the Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse were walking the Earth, collecting scalps.”

           
“Whoa, you’re right, history is awesome!” Blade exclaims, tapping away on his
holographic screen. “I didn’t know history had death and destruction!”

           
Harpoon grumbles that her brother is an idiot. I smirk and continue.  

           
“At the beginning of the 22
^rd
century, things got exponentially
worse as the global temperature skyrocketed. Giant chunks of the Greenland and
West Antarctic ice caps collapsed and plunged into the ocean, raising sea
levels even further. Billions of people around the world had to evacuate from
coastal areas that were rapidly being swallowed up by the seas. Entire islands
in the South Pacific simply vanished off the face of the Earth. The United
States was forced to build a massive sea wall around coastal areas. The sea
wall built around New York City was meant to withstand a direct hit from a
Category 5 Hurricane. That, unfortunately wouldn’t be enough. The world’s first
ever Category 6 Hurricane ravaged the entire length of the country’s east coast
before slamming into Long Island. The sea wall was utterly annihilated by the
monstrous storm, and most of New York was flooded. Tens of thousands of people
died, but that wasn’t the worst of it. Wall Street was demolished, and with it
trillions of dollars’ worth of wealth evaporated. The entire planet was plunged
into a depression overnight. On a side note, that same hurricane flooded the
Potomac, forcing Washington, D.C. to be relocated to the interior of Alaska.”

           
I stop to give Blade a chance to finish typing. “Wow, who knew homework could
be so exciting?”

           
“It’s not exciting, Blade,” Harpoon laments thoughtfully. “Boom Boom is telling
us about a horrible period in world history. It’s why things are so screwed up
today.”

           
Blade sighs and rolls his eyes. He hates it when his sister criticizes him.

           
“So what happened next?” he asks eagerly.

           
“Well, the hurricane was the catalyst that led to the Climate Change War.
Millions of people began leaving the growing deserts of South and Central
America and tried to migrate to the northern part of the U.S. So did Americans
who lived in the western and southern part of the country. The government was
overwhelmed. Canada and Alaska were the only parts of the North American
continent that benefited from the changing climate. The warming temperatures
thawed the frozen tundra and the climate there actually became quite pleasant.
Mere months after the New York Hurricane, the U.S. military invaded Canada and
overthrew the government. Canada became America’s newest and biggest state, and
millions of people set up settlements there and in Alaska.