High on a Mountain (18 page)

The men considered the situation without
speaking.

“I suppose you did right. I can’t think of
anything else you could have done,” Boisil said.

“I’m glad you’re home to look after things.”
Aodh headed to the barn to put the tools away.

____________

Late in the day, Faolan MacEòghainn came to
the MacLachlainn’s cottage.

“Come sit by the fire,” Brìghde said.

Faolan sat fidgeting, not saying much, as
Niall and Aodh sharpened their swords and dirks. When Niall
replaced his weapons in their scabbards, Faolan asked him to step
outside. Aodh wondered what matter was of such importance that it
would send them into the cold for a private discussion. He glanced
out the window occasionally at them, his curiosity piqued. But he
didn’t want them to suspect he was watching them.

Once, he saw Niall shake his head and step
backward, away from Faolan. His mind returned to the days when
Niall was a little boy, when Aodh knew all his boyish cares and
dreams and wishes. Now, Niall was almost a man and, since the
battle, he had kept his own counsel, not sharing his thoughts with
his father.

Faolan walked away, and Niall came inside. He
perched on the edge of his chair, holding his hands over the fire
to warm them. He scanned the cottage, resting his gaze on each item
of furniture, each fixture. He looked at the blackened rafters
overhead. But he didn’t speak, and Aodh asked him no questions.

Niall stared into the fire, and Aodh sensed a
building tension in his son. Abruptly, Niall stood and went
outside. Aodh watched through the window as Niall scuffed a foot
across the grass, broke a twig from a low bush and twirled it
absently, apparently deep in thought. He paused for a moment, then
headed toward Ailean’s cottage.

TWENTY-TWO

“Brother, it is I, Niall.”

Ailean raised the bar, opened the door and
invited his younger brother inside, out of the cold and wind. “Take
a seat by the fire,” Ailean said to him. “You look cold.”

Niall sat. He stared into the fire, rubbing
his hands. He raised his head and looked into Ailean’s eyes.

“I have to talk to you.” He glanced across
the fire at Mùirne, who was carding wool, and added, “Alone.”

“But can’t you talk here? It’s too cold
outside,” Ailean said. He saw the expression in Niall’s eyes and
gave an impatient grunt. “All right. Just a minute.”

He went to a shelf, took down two old,
tattered
féileadh-mòr .

“Here.” He handed one to Niall and draped one
over his head. He wrapped it around himself while Niall did the
same, and they went outside.

Ailean led the way to the leeward side of the
cottage, out of the cold wind, and he asked, “What is it?”

Niall kept his eyes lowered as he said, “I…I
don’t know how to say this.” He raised his eyes to meet Ailean’s.
“I have a bad feeling.”

Ailean made no comment, but his eyes betrayed
a wariness. The family accepted that Niall was blessed, or cursed,
with the Second Sight, a common superstition in the Highlands, and
when Niall said he had a feeling, the members of his family and of
the clan took notice of what he said. Ailean wavered between
accepting the belief others held in his brother’s gift and
rejecting any notion of it.

“I look around me, and…” Niall surveyed their
surroundings, the hills, the lower woods, the cottages. “I don’t
want to be disloyal, but…I have a feeling of dread that this is all
going to pass away. Because of Prionnsa Teàrlach.”

Again, Ailean made no reply. His only
response was a sharp intake of breath. He eased a step backward,
away from Niall.

“It makes me want to run,” Niall continued.
“To run far away where nothing bad can touch me. Can touch us.”

Ailean cleared his throat and blinked his
eyes. “Run away? From what?”

He himself wanted to run at this moment,
wanted to run from his brother and the eerie, crawling sensation in
his gut that Niall’s words created. He tried to distance himself
from what he suspected Niall was trying to say.

“Niall, you’re not a coward. Da didn’t raise
us to be cowardly men. And where would you run to? There’s nowhere
to run. Why would you want to leave your home?”

“That’s just it, I don’t want to leave my
home. But I feel I have to. Before it’s too late.”

“Too late for what?”

Niall shook his head and turned his eyes
toward the ground again. “I don’t know. It’s just a bad feeling I
have. Faolan has the same feeling. We talked about it today.”

“Maybe you feel this way because of the
battle, because of what we did.” Ailean stared at the ridges to the
east, their peaks barely visible in the waning light. “I have bad
feelings, too, Niall. Because of what I did. I can’t get beyond the
memories of it. I can’t get the images of what happened out of my
head. I think about it day and night.”

____________

Niall sensed that his older brother wanted to
disregard his premonition, as if pretending he hadn’t heard it
would make it cease to exist.

I wish I could ignore it. I wish I hadn’t
seen…what I saw.

Ailean squatted, pulling the warm woolen
cloth about his bare legs, and leaned back against the cottage
wall. Niall hunkered down beside him.

“You were there. You know what it was like,”
Ailean said. “Doesn’t it torment you, too?”

“What bothers me more is…this feeling of
dread weighing me down. It makes me want to run, to go far away,”
Niall said, trying again to reach Ailean with the warning which
consumed his thoughts.

“I see those men I killed,” Ailean went on,
almost as though Niall had not spoken, as if he could not bring
himself to acknowledge Niall’s fears. “I see their faces. And I see
the ones I wounded. It plagues me. And then, I start to wonder what
kind of warrior I am. Am I a brave man, like I want to be? Or am I
a coward, to think such things?”

“You didn’t run from the fighting, you ran
toward it, so I know you’re brave,” Niall said. “I was afraid, not
knowing what was going to happen. But when I saw you yelling and
running toward the enemy, I didn’t feel so scared. And you fought.
How fierce you were! I wish I could fight as well.”

“But now I feel different than I did that
day,” Ailean said. “I will fight again, if need be. I want to be a
brave warrior for the chief. But I don’t know if I can fight like I
did that day. I don’t want to be the cause of suffering. I don’t
want it on my conscience. And I’m afraid if I have to fight again,
I’ll be thinking about that instead of thinking about making a good
fight.

“I don’t know if we’re supposed to think
about it,” Niall said. “We’re just supposed to do it.”

Ailean looked at Niall for a moment and
laughed. “I’m the older brother, and I’m supposed to teach you, but
you’re explaining things to me.”

Niall said nothing but lowered his eyes.

“I guess what’s important, like Da says, is
doing the right thing, the honorable thing.” Ailean stared into the
darkening sky, then turned to his brother. “You just do what’s
right, even if it’s not what you’d choose, even if it’s not
easy.”

They crouched against the wall in silence,
side by side in the cold as the dark night descended upon them,
each absorbed in his own emotions and thoughts. Finally, Ailean
reached out and put his hand on Niall’s shoulder.

“Thanks, brother, you’ve given me something
to think about, and it’s helping me feel better already. Now, let’s
go back inside where it’s warm. Mùirne probably has something ready
to eat. Have supper with us?”

“But I…” Niall began. He sighed, and his
shoulders sagged. He realized further effort would be useless. The
help he needed would not be forthcoming from his brother. “All
right. I suppose so.”

The haunted look in Niall’s eyes
remained.

____________

Aodh and Niall left the next morning. Ailean
stood in his open doorway and watched them as they departed.

I should be going, too. I should be well
by now and ready to go with them.
His jaw tightened, and he
slapped his palm against the rock wall.
What kind of weakling am
I? I can’t even do my duty.

He went inside the house. He sat on his
chair, leaned over, put his elbows on his knees, and rested his
chin on his fists. Mùirne saw the dark expression on his face and
remained silent.

____________

Two weeks later, the day before the
MacEòghainns and other men on the croft were to return to the army,
Faolan disappeared.

____________

On a cold, windy day the first week of April,
Ailean sat on a bench outside the barn door repairing the teeth on
the harrow. It was time for spring planting, and he and Coinneach,
with the help of the women, had turned and harrowed the ground on
only three fields. Then the harrow broke. They were now hopelessly
behind, and Ailean was worried.

Someone shouted a greeting, and Ailean looked
up to see Fearghus MacLachlainn riding from the woods.

Ailean laid the harrow aside, stood and
waited for Fearghus to reach him. Fearghus pulled the reins and
stopped the horse when he reached Ailean, but he did not
dismount.

“Won’t you get down and rest a bit?”

“No time. I’ve been sent to bring you and
Coinneach back to Inverness with me right away. Right now.”

“Inverness?”

“Aye. We’ve been there for a while.
Cumberland is marching north toward us and all men are needed now.
The chief said all able-bodied men have to be there. You look
able-bodied. How’s Coinneach?”

“Ask him yourself. He’s in the barn.” Ailean
called out, “Coinneach! Come here!”

Coinneach appeared in the doorway. “Fearghus.
Good to see you. What word do you have of the army?”

“The chief sent me to bring all able-bodied
men to Inverness. Your brother looks well, and you appear to have
recovered, too. You both look like you could make a fight. Go get
yourselves ready. I’ll wait for you, and we’ll go together.”

Ailean headed toward his cottage, trying to
think of a way to tell Mùirne he’d have to go back to the army and
likely do battle again. She was standing at the work table, peeling
vegetables when he stepped inside. She looked up, smiled at him,
and went on with her work. He stood behind her, put his arms around
her body and caressed her swollen abdomen. He leaned over to rest
his chin on her shoulder.

“How’s the little one today?” he asked.

“Restless, kicking. This one’s an active
babe. More, even than Coinneach-òg was.”

“And how’s his mother?”

“I’m fine.” She put the knife down and turned
to face him with a slight frown. “What is it? Something’s wrong,
isn’t it?”

“Well, not really.” He brushed his hair away
from his face. “Fearghus is outside. He came to get us, and—”

“And you have to go back to the army.”

“Yes. I’m recovered enough to fight
again.”

“Isn’t there any way that you can…any way you
could stay home? Not have to go?”

“No. It’s past time I went back. It isn’t
fair for the others to go when I’m not—”

“But the others weren’t wounded and sick like
you. And I don’t think you’re well enough. I’ll tell the chief that
myself.”

“Mùirne, you know that isn’t true. I am well
enough.”

She began wringing her hands. “But you—”

“I have to go.”

“But the baby. You won’t be here to…to see
the baby.” Her voice rose, and she began breathing rapidly.

“Who knows. Maybe I’ll be back before it’s
born.” He reached out and took her hands, holding them in his own
to still them. “I love you, my sweet, and I’ll miss you. But I have
to go. I have to do my duty.”

“No! No! Your duty is to stay with me! I need
you! You promised you’d always stay at my side to protect me! You
can’t
go!”

She paused and searched his face. Their eyes
met, and Ailean saw a desperation in her expression he’d never seen
before. He wanted to push it away, to ignore it and the burden it
placed on him.

“I
have
to go, and you know it.”

“You
want
to go, don’t you!”

“Mùirne, stop this!”

“Tell the truth! You want to leave me behind
and go!”

Ailean had never heard Mùirne raise her voice
in anger, had never seen her eyes flashing blue fire as they were
now. For a moment, he didn’t respond, but her anger triggered a
response in him as vehement as her own. Words bubbled up and spewed
from his mouth in an angry torrent, uncontrolled.

“Stop behaving like a child!” he shouted.
“You can’t have everything the way you want it all the time! You
can’t stop me from doing what I have to do.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, directed
his gaze at the floor and lowered his voice. “If I hadn’t married
you, I’d be free to do my duty with no worries, I wouldn’t have
become this…this half-way warrior.”

He looked up and saw Mùirne staring at him,
her mouth open, saying nothing. She covered her face with her hands
and her shoulders began to quiver.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I…I didn’t mean to
say that. And I didn’t mean to shout at you…”

He took her into his arms, kissed her
forehead and tried to hold her close, but her body was rigid and
unyielding. He pushed away from her, gripped her wrists and pulled
her hands from her face. He held her at arm’s length and looked
into her eyes, into an unfathomable icy depth he’d never seen in
them, a coldness he couldn’t penetrate. He looked away.

“Take care of yourself and the little ones
while I’m gone. I have to get ready now.”

He released her, not knowing what else to
say, not knowing how to bridge the yawning rift between them.

____________

Fearghus led the way, following a roundabout
route through the hills to avoid being seen by Cambeuls. They
reached Inverness on the thirteenth of April. Ailean and Coinneach
were both tired after the long walk to Inverness, but glad to see
their father and Niall.