High-Caliber Concealer (20 page)

“And he’s your ex-boyfriend,” he added,
stopping in front of their Senior Prom picture displayed in the
line of family photos down the hall. “Nice hair.”

“Oh, God, don’t look at that.” Nikki pulled
him away from the wall and into the kitchen.

“Still better than my prom picture. I had a
‘fro and a Colonel Sanders suit.”

“Why haven’t I seen that picture?” demanded
Nikki.

“I don’t know. Why haven’t I met your mother
until now?”

Nikki made a face and didn’t reply.

“Oh, look how cute you are in this one.”
Z’ev stopped in front of a family portrait, one of the few photos
with her dad that hadn’t been removed. Three-year-old Nikki’s high
cuteness rating had saved the photo from the fireplace where the
rest of the photos of Phillipe had ended up. “Nice moustache on
your dad.”

Nikki laughed. “Yeah, he used to rotate his
facial hair all the time. Moustache, goatee, clean-shaven. He liked
to be creative with his hair.”

“Makes sense,” said Z’ev.

“I guess,” said Nikki, puzzled that her
father’s rotating facial hair made sense to anyone. “Come on, I’m
dripping on the carpet.” She walked into the kitchen and dropped
the ice into the sink.

“Oh good, you brought the ice,” said Ellen,
appearing from the basement. “I just got the ice cream machine all
set up. Can you bring it down here?”

“You’re making ice cream?” asked Z’ev. “This
is the best vacation ever!”

“I know, right?” agreed Jane bouncing into
the kitchen in a bright orange polyester jumpsuit.

“Oh, my God,” said Nikki.

“I know,” said Jane.

“Holy crap,” said Jackson walking into the
kitchen after her. “I think I need my sunglasses.”

“I know!” Jane seemed ecstatic with the
hideousness of her vintage outfit. “Isn’t it awesome? I wish there
were a roller rink nearby.”

“Nikki, your mom and grandma are arguing in
the office, so I thought I should come in here to make myself
useful,” said Jackson.

“And get out of firing range, you mean?”

“Yeah.” He glanced at Jane. “Of course, I
didn’t realize the dress code for this evening was Staying Alive.
Maybe I should go home and change.”

Nikki laughed. “No, please don’t. The belt
buckle is scaring me enough as it is. I don’t think I could take
you in bellbottoms. Can you get the groceries put away? And Z’ev,
if you take the ice down to Ellen, I’ll go sort out whatever family
drama is unfolding in the office.”

“What should I do?” asked Jane, fluffing the
points on her enormous collar proudly.

“I would say go change, but I don’t want to
make you cry. Can you go make sure Jenny doesn’t overdress, or
underdress, as the case may be.”

“OK,” said Jane with a shrug, floating
toward the back stairs.

Nikki walked down the hall. She could feel
the muscles between her shoulder blades tightening as she got
closer to the office. She took a deep breath and told herself that
everything was going to be fine. She was going to be fine. This
extreme mash-up of family, personal life, professional life, and
past life was all going to work out fine. No secrets were going to
be revealed. Everyone was going to be happy. Everything was going
to work out fine.

The office door slammed open and Nell
stomped out. “Your grandmother always tries to ruin
everything!”

“What is she trying to ruin, Mom?”

Nell hesitated. Had she been working, Nikki
would have attacked that moment. That little tiny delay that told
her that whatever Nell said next was a lie.

“She invited Jackson on purpose because she
doesn’t approve of Z’ev.”

“I don’t disapprove of Z’ev,” said Peg. “I
don’t know Z’ev. I do know Jackson. And I know that he is a good
boy. He’s got plans, a future, and eighty-three acres. You
shouldn’t have broken up with him.”

“He broke up with me, Grandma,” said Nikki,
wishing she’d stayed in the kitchen.

“Well, I bet he’s sorry about it now,” said
Peg.

“That’s kind of irrelevant,” said Nikki.
“I’m with Z’ev.”

“But are you happy, dear?”

“Grandma!” Nikki floundered. “I’m not having
this conversation. This is ridiculous. For once, I’m on Mom’s
side.” Nell beamed smugly. “You two wonder why I moved to
California? It’s because of conversations like this.”

“Nonsense,” said Nell. “You moved for the
job.”

“And I was happy to do it. Now, we are going
to go back to the kitchen and finish making dinner. Grandma, you
are going to be nice to Z’ev. Mom, you are going to be nice to
Jackson and we are all going to pretend that we are nice people. I
know it’s a stretch, but we are going to make it happen.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,”
said Peg. “I’m nice to everyone.” She walked down the hall, her
back poker straight, and disapproval in every line.

“Really, Nikki, you’re behaving so rudely.”
Nell swept after Peg and Nikki clunked her head against the office
door, once, twice, three times.

“Well, I think you should stick by Z’ev,”
whispered Jenny, tip-toeing down the stairs. “Why would she try and
break you two crazy kids up?”

“Really? A few days ago you said that we
should break up.”

“I didn’t know what I was saying,” said
Jenny.

“Uh-huh. You mean you hadn’t met Jackson
yet.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,”
said Jenny, flipping one long lock of hair over her shoulder.

Nikki stared pointedly at Jenny’s boobs that
were being prominently displayed in a low-cut blouse.

“Oh, fine. Jane said you were going to
notice.”

“How could I not?” asked Nikki. “I think a
NASA space satellite would notice those.”

“That’s not fair,” said Jenny, stomping up
the stairs. “Those have really good resolution these days.”

“I didn’t say don’t wear it,” Nikki called
after her. “I was just saying, you know, da-a-mn.”

Jenny flipped her the bird before
disappearing into the guest room.

“You shouldn’t police another woman’s
apparel,” said Jane, coming out of the room.

“No, that’s what I sent you to do,” said
Nikki.

“I mean, it feeds into the concept that
women need to be ashamed of their own bodies and that men aren’t
responsible for their actions if a woman dresses too
provocatively.”

“Thanks, Gloria Steinem, but can you whip me
up a feminist argument that supports me not having to stare at
Jenny’s boobs over the mashed potatoes?”

“I like staring at Jenny’s boobs,” said
Jane.

“That’s because you’re a little bit gay,”
said Nikki, and Jane shrugged.

“I’m in touch with my inner lesbian.”

“Well, stop touching your inner lesbian and
come help make sure that I don’t stab my mother with a fork over
the salad course.”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t,” said Jane.
“As long as you use the right fork.”

“You’re not helping,” said Nikki.

“I’m not really even trying,” agreed
Jane.

Nikki sighed and went back to the kitchen.
She had the feeling that it was going to be a very long dinner.

But by the time dinner was served, détente
appeared to have been reached between Peg and Nell. Jenny had
reined the boobs in and was being perfectly pleasant, but still
flirty. Jane finally changed out of the polyester when she got too
hot and Ellen and Z’ev were collaborating on the perfect way to
stack ice and salt around the tub of the ice cream maker. They
appeared satisfied with their work as they sat down to dinner.

“And now we pray,” announced Peg in a tone
that brooked no argument, and folded her hands. Jackson and Nell,
who were used to it, had already followed suit, and the girls,
startled, followed along as well. Z’ev, who was Catholic or Jewish
depending on which grandparent he stood next to, took the
unexpected dose of religion in stride.

“Dear Lord,” began Peg. “Thank you for
blessing this table with good food and good friends, and for
bringing the family back together again. Family bonds are more
important than anything and we thank you for strengthening
them.”

There was an odd sort of clunk that might
have been Nell adjusting her feet under the table or it might have
been Nell kicking Peg in the shin.

“Please bless the bounty that we are about
to receive. Amen. Now pass the mashed potatoes. Those are my
favorite.”

“So, Jackson,” said Jenny, when the plates
had been filled. “I’d love to hear some stories about the rodeo
bulls.”

“Two tons of snot and shit,” said Nell,
picking over the roasted vegetables to avoid the cucumbers. “What’s
there to tell?”

“Helen!” said Peg, resorting to Nell’s full
name. “Mind your language.”

“I’m fairly certain I learned that language
from you, Mother.”

“Maybe, but I don’t use it at the dinner
table,” said Peg.

“Add in another ton of mean and she’d be
right, though,” said Jackson, earning a rare smile from Nell.

“I’d rather hear about Z’ev’s flight up from
California. You got a ride with some DEA agents, you say?” Nell
switched her focus to Z’ev, who looked up from his slice of
meatloaf to find all eyes on him.

“Really?” Jackson’s eyes flicked to Nikki
and then back to Z’ev. “What was the DEA doing up here?”

Z’ev cleared his throat, a tiny tic that
revealed only to Nikki that he was uncomfortable with the topic.
“Apparently, there’s a major pot pipeline from here down through
Idaho and heading south and east. Would you mind passing the salt?”
He smiled casually at Ellen, and Nikki knew he was hoping for a
change of topic.

“I thought pot was legal in Washington now?
Why would anyone smuggle it?” asked Jane.

“And why go south?” mused Nikki. “If I were
going to smuggle pot, I’d bring it in from Mexico.” She happened to
look at Nell, who seemed frozen with a bite halfway to her
mouth.

“You’ve spent a lot of time considering your
pot smuggling plans, have you?” demanded Peg, skewering her with a
suspicious look.

“Virtually none,” said Nikki, with a
shrug.

“Canadian pot is better quality,” said Z’ev.
“The further south you can take Canadian pot, the more it’s worth.
Now that pot is legal here, there might be an import slowdown, but
probably not a lot, since most of the pot smuggled in from Canada
doesn’t stay here.”

“I’m sure there’s no actual pot smuggling
going on in Kaniksu Falls anymore,” said Peg firmly, and Jackson
glanced at Nikki again. She was going to have to talk to him about
that. He was a dead giveaway. The girls continued eating calmly,
like properly trained operatives.

“Did the DEA say they were looking at
Kaniksu Falls specifically?” asked Nell, clearing her throat.

“No, they said they thought it was coming in
through the Colville Forest, probably on ATVs. They were hoping
that the forest fires would flush out some of the smugglers.”

“Speaking of Canada,” said Peg. “Does anyone
want to go into Canada tomorrow for some shopping? Sometimes it’s
better there than in Spokane.”

“Ellen can’t go to Canada,” said Jane. Nikki
shot a disbelieving glare at Jane, who became flustered. “I mean,
she didn’t bring her passport. Not that she’s wanted in Canada or
anything. The Canadian borders have required passports since 9/11.”
Jane trailed off in an awkward laugh.

“That’s Jane—our idiot savant,” said
Nikki.

“This is the last time I let you watch my
Due South
DVDs,” said Ellen with a sigh.
“It gives you weird ideas about Canada. She’s right though. I
didn’t bring my passport. No Canadian shopping for me.”

“No Canada, then,” agreed Peg. “Maybe
tomorrow, Nikki can show you around town and where she grew
up.”

“Uh, if I have to,” said Nikki.

“I’d like the tour,” said Z’ev grinning.

“Donny invited us to a Fernandez shin-dig,”
said Nikki.

“Well, all right. But don’t stay too late.
Those parties get out of control after ten,” said Peg.

“I need to call him,” said Jackson.

“I don’t want to go,” said Nell. “Lucia
doesn’t like me.”

“You insulted her tamales, Mom,” said Nikki
for the hundredth time. The long saga of why Donny’s mom didn’t
like Nikki’s mom could have filled six months worth of programming
on
Telemundo
.

“They were really dry,” said Nell. “I can’t
help that.”

“You can help saying it to her face.”

“I’m honest,” said Nell. “That’s who I
am.”

“Well, then, don’t come.”

“I won’t,” said Nell.

Nikki sighed and rolled her head around on
her neck. It was going to be fine. Everything was going to be
fine.

Nikki plunked a load of dishes into the sink
and took a deep breath. It was times like this that she missed her
Dad. She remembered him as a gregarious charmer who always seemed
to have the right thing to say. She remembered a lot more laughing
at the dinner table when he had been around.

Nikki scrubbed extra hard a dish in the sink
and wondered if Nell would have been a different kind of mother if
Phillipe had been a different kind of father.

“Well, this seems to be going well,” said
Jane carrying in a stack of plates.

Nikki stared at her in disbelief. Sometimes
she thought Jane existed in a parallel universe. “My mother is
offering to show my boyfriend my junior high photos. Jenny is
draped over my ex-boyfriend, which would be a lot less annoying if
he didn’t look so happy about it. And Ellen and my grandmother are
attempting to discuss ammunition using mime, since they don’t want
my mother to notice.”

“I know! It was adorable.”

“That part was adorable, but nothing
else.”

“I don’t know why you’re so uptight,” said
Jane. “We can all handle ourselves around Z’ev, and aside from my
gaff about Canada at dinner—which, I guess is why I shouldn’t be
out in the field—I don’t think we’re in danger of exposing
ourselves.”