Hester's Story (28 page)

Adam laughed. ‘You could speak to her about us. D’you think she’d be shocked?’

‘Of course she would! Not because of what you think, though. I’m sure the fact that you’re married wouldn’t be the thing she objects to nearly as much as that you might steer me away from the ballet. I have to do my best to fulfil my potential; she’s always said that, and I want to, as well, only …’

‘Only what?’ Adam picked up her hand where it lay outside the blankets and began to kiss it, moving his lips up and up her arm.

‘I get distracted easily. You’re distracting me now. I was thinking about my dancing and suddenly I can only think of you, and what you’re doing.’

‘You like it, don’t you?’

‘Oh yes.’ Hester said. ‘Oh yes, I do. I love it. Please don’t stop.’

Much later, she sat at the kitchen table, fully dressed. She’d begun to feel the creeping sadness that always came over her as the day began to slip away towards the time when she’d have to leave Adam and resume what she thought of now as her other life; her normal, everyday life, where she had to hide emotions that might betray what many would think of as disgraceful behaviour. Was it, though? Was what they were doing so wrong when it made them so happy? If they could keep it a secret, and if no one ever knew about it, how could they be hurt? Hester was thinking
of Virginia. If Adam’s wife found out … this was something she dreaded and yet, at the same time, there was a tiny voice in her head, which usually spoke to her as the time of her parting from Adam approached. This time, she couldn’t help herself. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

‘Adam, what would happen if Virginia found out about us?’

He gazed at her and didn’t answer for a few moments and Hester’s heart thudded with dread. Finally, he spoke. ‘She’d be very hurt. In spite of the distance between us, she’s possessive. It doesn’t matter to her that she doesn’t have a good relationship with me, but she would hate someone else to be having one, I’m quite sure. Still …’ He paused. ‘It’s going to have to happen, isn’t it? If we’re going to be together. I’ll have to tell her one day. Ask for a divorce. And when I do—’

Hester stared at him, hardly daring to breathe. Was he proposing to her? Was this
marriage
he was speaking of? Adam laughed.

‘You should see yourself! You look as though I’ve said something really shocking. I want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my days. In fact, I can’t imagine a life without you. There. Should I go down on one knee?’

‘No. No of course not. But yes, I’d love to marry you. Oh, Adam, I’ve been so afraid.’

‘What of, my darling?’

‘Well, there’s so much. You not loving me any longer. Virginia finding out. You deciding you’re too old for me. There’s so much to worry about that I don’t know where to begin.’

‘I shan’t stop loving you, Hester. No matter what happens. Not ever. I promise.’

‘Really?’

‘Truly.’

‘I’ll have to go soon.’

‘Don’t go yet. Come here. Kiss me.’

‘Dinah and Nell will … will be … ’ she meant to say, ‘back from their parents’ or ‘back in the Attic de Luxe’ but the words were stifled by his mouth and she gave herself over to sensations that would have to last her for a whole week.
I shan’t stop loving you, Hester. Not ever. No matter what happens. I promise
. The words echoed in her mind. What
would
happen? What did he mean? She shivered. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

*

‘Hester, is that you snoring?’

‘No, Dinah,’ Hester whispered. ‘It’s Nell.’

‘Why aren’t you asleep, then?’

‘I don’t know. Why aren’t you?’

‘I’m worried about you, that’s why.’

‘Me?’

‘We can’t talk like this.’ Just enough light filtered under the door for Hester to see that she’d sat up in bed. ‘Let’s go downstairs. Everyone else is asleep. We can make a drink and take it into the Green Room.’

‘We’ll be exhausted in the morning. What’ll Piers say?’

‘I won’t tell him if you won’t. Come on, we’re not getting any sleep here anyway.’

Hester pulled on her dressing-gown and tiptoed behind Dinah downstairs to the kitchen.

‘I’ll make the tea. You bring that tray over here.’

Moscow Road was organised like a bed and breakfast establishment. Some of the dancers had their own bedrooms and others shared, but the large front room, always called the Green Room, acted as a lounge for everyone. The furniture had seen better days, and so
had the carpets and curtains, but the room was comfortable in a faded sort of way. A large oval table stood in the bay of the window, and Dinah put the tray down there and poured the tea. She handed a cup to Hester, who was perched on the edge of one of the armchairs. Dinah looked searchingly at her and said, ‘You look as though you might suddenly jump up and run away. Okay, I’m not taking no for an answer. Tell me what’s going on with you and Adam.’

‘You know what’s going on. I told you. You and Edmund are the only people I have told. I couldn’t bear to hide anything from you.’

‘But it’s serious, isn’t it? It’s not just the sex.’ She ticked the points she was making off on her fingers. ‘You’re in a dream all day long. You don’t hear what people are saying to you half the time. I know you see one another every Sunday. Then there’s the matter of how you look.’

‘How I look?’ Hester was longing to discuss Adam with Dinah. How wonderful to be able simply to speak his name whenever she felt like it; tell another person how much she loved him, how she dreamed of a whole life with him, how golden the time was when they were together and how grey and dim the world looked when they were apart. Edmund wouldn’t like talking about anything like that. It didn’t seem to be the sort of thing you told a man, but Hester wondered whether Adam would confide in his friend, now that he knew she’d already told him everything.

‘You look,’ said Dinah, ‘like a rosebud that’s just opened up. Or as though there’s a light somewhere inside you that’s shining out of your eyes. Oh God, that sounds ridiculous. But you know what I mean. You had the same look during Act One of
Giselle
when you were supposed to be in love. Passionately in love.’

Hester nodded. ‘I am. I’m in love.’ Dinah leaned forward to hear more.

‘Is it wonderful? Is it as glorious as you expected it to be?’

‘Better. I can’t describe how being with Adam makes me feel. Please don’t tell anyone else, though, will you? Not even Nell. Do you promise?’

‘Of course I won’t tell.’ Dinah took a strand of her hair, and twisted it round her finger. ‘Oh, Hester, you poor darling! What are you going to do?’

‘Do?’

‘Well,’ Dinah closed her eyes. ‘What’s going to happen? What if Piers finds out? He’ll murder you both. He won’t care about the morals of it, but he’ll be furious if your dancing suffers.’

‘My dancing won’t suffer. I won’t let it. It’s the one thing …’ Hester paused and Dinah said, ‘What? The one thing what?’

‘That won’t suffer. Nothing’s going to stop me from dancing. I’d die if I couldn’t dance. Don’t worry about that, Dinah. Really. That’s not what’s on my mind.’

‘Nor me. Not really. I’m thinking of something else. Something that hasn’t occurred to you, obviously.’

‘If you mean his wife, I think about her all the time. I feel so guilty and bad and, well, just horrible in every way. I do, really.’

‘But not bad enough to stop you making love to her husband.’

Hester could feel her eyes brimming with tears. ‘Don’t say that. I can’t help it. I’m – I can’t help myself. If I could, I would, I promise you. If I could love Edmund, for instance, I’d be so happy, but I can’t. I’m just paralysed with love. When I’m with him, Dinah, oh, it’s impossible to describe, but I feel as though every skin cell and nerve end is tingling and vibrating and just almost exploding. I don’t know how to stop
them, those feelings. When I’m away from him I feel as though I’ve been imprisoned. Except when I’m dancing. I just live for the times when we’re together. It’s awful. It’s wonderful. I don’t know what to do.’

Dinah said nothing for a few moments. Then she sighed. ‘It’s like an illness, isn’t it? I know. I do understand, but I’ve got to warn you of a couple of things. I don’t mean to be a spoilsport or anything, but I’m a bit older than you—’

‘Only eighteen months or so.’

‘Don’t interrupt. You do realise, don’t you, that there’s no future for the two of you. Has he spoken to you about the future? Has he mentioned it?’

Hester smiled. ‘Yes. Today he told me he was going to divorce his wife. He’s asked me to
marry
him, Dinah. Really. I couldn’t believe it at first, but he meant it. He’s going to tell Virginia everything. That’s what he said.’

‘You do know, don’t you, that they say anything sometimes? Men, I mean. They say what they think you’d like to hear. That’s what I wanted to tell you. Listen to me, Hester, and don’t get cross, okay?’

‘I won’t. Promise.’

‘He’s not going to leave his wife. He maybe thinks he is, at this very moment, but he won’t when it comes to it. Have you forgotten Orchard House? Think of what he’d lose if he left his wife for you. And you should ask him if he’s still sleeping with her.’

‘He couldn’t be. It’s impossible. You don’t know, Dinah. You don’t know how we … he would never …’

‘I’m sorry, Hester. I know what it must seem like to you, but they do, you know. Sleep with their wives, I mean. If only to keep them from becoming suspicious, from finding out what’s going on. You must see that.’

Hester sat in the chair and felt as though her body
was turning to stone. That hadn’t crossed her mind. Adam and Virginia, in a bed like that one they’d all sat on in the guest bedroom at Orchard House; Adam and Virginia together, doing things that Adam and she … oh God, it made her feel ill to think about it. How would she live with these new pictures in her head?

‘He doesn’t see all that much of her,’ she whispered at last. ‘They live almost apart.’

‘Almost,’ said Dinah, ‘but not entirely. Ask him, if you don’t believe me.’

‘Never. I’d never ask him. I’d be frightened to hear the answer. Oh, Dinah, I can’t go on like this. What’s going to happen to me?’

‘You’re going to drink that tea and come to bed. Everything will look brighter in the morning. It always does.’

‘Class and rehearsals and then a performance,’ Hester said. ‘At least I don’t have time to think too much.’

‘Tell me about Mr Lennister,’ Dinah said. ‘He’s so handsome. D’you enjoy yourself when you’re with him?’

‘Well, of course I do. I told you.’

‘No, I don’t mean
that
, Dinah said. ‘I mean fun. D’you have fun?’

Hester said nothing for a few moments. Dinah’s question made her think about the way she and Adam spent their time together. They only ever met in his flat. They made love. They cooked meals and ate them. They’d been for walks, long walks. Nothing else. They’d never been to the cinema, or an art gallery. Apart from Edmund, she’d never met any of his friends.
It’s not his fault
, she told herself.
It’s not my fault. We have so little time together that we don’t want to waste it doing normal, mundane things
. She knew what she wanted, more than fun, more than
entertainment, more than conversation: she wanted to lie next to Adam and cling to him and smell his skin and his hair and drink him in at every pore. She wanted to be part of his flesh, as he was part of hers.

‘No,’ she answered Dinah finally. ‘I don’t suppose you would call it fun. But we’re together so seldom. It’s all a bit …’

‘Passionate?’

‘Yes, I suppose that’s it. Intense. It takes up my whole head, every minute when I’m not dancing.’

‘Let’s try and sleep, okay? Otherwise you won’t be dancing up to standard tomorrow and then Piers’ll be after you.’

Dinah led the way upstairs and Hester followed. I can lie in my bed till morning, she thought, and pretend. I can imagine his body beside mine. I can think what it would be like to wake up and find him sleeping beside me. She slipped into bed, and listened as Dinah’s breathing grew heavier and slower, and then she closed her eyes. If she concentrated, she found she could still feel the touch of his hands on her skin. The memory of him inside her and his mouth on her mouth made her whole body ache. She was weak with the delicious pain of longing for him.

*

‘Hester? Are you crying?’

‘No,’ she whispered, trying to swallow the tears that had started to slide down her cheeks in the dark. She knew that if she moved to find a tissue, or if she sniffed, Adam would realise and then—

‘You are,’ he said, tracing a finger over her face. ‘My darling girl, you’re crying. Don’t, Hester, please. Please don’t cry.’ He turned towards her and tried to gather her into his arms again, but she shook him off.

‘No, really.’ Hester was anxious to keep her voice
even and normal, even though she felt like howling aloud. ‘I’m all right. I’ll be all right.’

‘But what is it? What is it, my darling? I can’t stand to see you unhappy. Tell me.’

Hester shook her head, unable to speak. How could he possibly make her happy when everything was so completely ghastly? But she had to say something, anything, or he’d go on and on and then she’d have to get up and go, and she didn’t want to waste a minute of her time with him because they weren’t going to be able to be together until well into the new year. She sniffed and took a deep breath.

‘Dinah’s leaving. She’s had a good offer from a company in Cardiff and she’ll have the chance to dance principal roles. Of course she’s got to go, because it’s wonderful for her, and I’m happy for her sake. But I’ll miss her so much and it won’t be the same, not living in the Attic de Luxe any longer. Nell’s moving downstairs to another room and so am I. It’s hard to believe that we’re not the most junior dancers in the company any longer.’

‘That’s a shame,’ Adam said. ‘I know how close you are. Poor Hester. But you’ll keep in touch, won’t you? By letter and so forth. And I’m still here and I love you. You know that, don’t you?’

She nodded in the dark. She didn’t point out to him – she didn’t dare – that it was some weeks since he’d promised to ask his wife for a divorce and now, well now, he’d done something for which she would find it hard to forgive him. For a moment, thinking about the hideousness of it, Hester wondered whether it would be sensible to keep quiet and not say anything, but she was filled suddenly with rage and she sat up in the bed and the words came pouring out of her before she could stop them.