Read Here's the Situation Online
Authors: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Here's the Situation (14 page)
And that's why you have to always keep it real. Sometimes The Situation is tired after a long day of being awesome. He just wants to crash in his hotel bed rather than pound out one more really hot fan. But then I think back to Mike Sorrentino, that young go-getter trying to make it in corporate America, hitting the gym, and dreaming of a career as a professional underpants model. Would he turn away a fan? Never.
One thing a lot of fans never think about when a famous person is out in public is being aware of good hygiene. Catching a virus or even something as simple as a head cold can put me out of commission for a few days. That can be costly not just to me, but also to pretty much the world economy. When I sneeze, markets crash.
I'm a rookie to all this adulation, so I'm learning as I go. Through trial and error I've started making frequent trips to the restroom to wash my hands, and I carry a container of antibacterial hand sanitizer with me at all times. I make it a rule to never accept any drinks from strangers because I have to be careful who I'm swapping spit with, and sad to say, I need to be wary of what some people might try to slip into my beverage. And before any chick gets in my bed I make her slide into a 200-degree Jacuzzi to sterilize any microbial bacteria that might endanger my health.
Being on TVIf you follow my rules for GTL and beyond, you're eventually going to find yourself on TV talk show The key here is to concentrate on the moment and have a casual conversation with the host, just like you're in your own living room. It doesn't matter if it's Jay, Conan, Ellen, Rachael Ray, George Lopez, Wendy Williams, the cast of
The View
, Jimmy Fallon, or Jimmy Kimmel, or even Ashton Kutcher on his Twitter broadcast, it's just another human being that you're chatting with. It's not that hard if you
don't
think about it. I think the reason so many people connect with me through the camera is because I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. What you see is what you get with The Situation. Who could pretend to be this handsome and charming?
The View
, Jimmy Fallon, or Jimmy Kimmel, or even Ashton Kutcher on his Twitter broadcast, it's just another human being that you're chatting with. It's not that hard if you
don't
think about it. I think the reason so many people connect with me through the camera is because I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. What you see is what you get with The Situation. Who could pretend to be this handsome and charming?
Fashion Tip: On Product and Bling
On television, you need to tailor your wardrobe to the colors and outfits that the camera loves best without sacrificing your signature look. One bonus to your fame will be the ability to spend a little more money on the products and clothes that will aid you in showcasing your personal style and help you look your best. Not only does your improved financial situation allow you to buy the exclusive creams and gels that treat your hair and face right, having more money will reduce your stress levels and your worry lines will magically disappear.
Without going too crazy, you'll also be able to purchase many of the unique and trendy accessories, such as jewelry and watches, that you've long had your eye on but didn't fit your budget. There's no question that a healthy checking account promotes a healthy glow to your skin, a healthy wardrobe, and adds an extra spring in your step. And on the subject of my checking account, my grateful local bank has just completed construction on a private fitness room where I alone am free to do curls and squats with bars that have been thrust into my copious bricks of cash.
Being on TV (cont.)One convenience for many talk show appearances is that they all basically operate along the same format. Before long you know what to expect from the moment you arrive until you hit the air. Depending on what outfit I'm going to wear appropriate to my appearance, I usually arrive at the studio already dressed and ready to go. There are also times where I arrive straight from the airport with my luggage and need to make a quick change in the dressing room, which barely leaves enough time for The Shirt Before the Shirt.
About a half hour before air I get some touch-ups in the makeup chair, although there's very little that even the pros can do to improve The Situation's skin. After that I'm mic'd up, which means a mobile transmitter is slid into my back pocket, the wire is threaded under my shirt across my rock-hard abs (wrapped in the Kevlar padding that my advance team provides), and a microphone is pinned to my collar. When I'm good to go, the production staff lets me know how much time remains before air and I hang in the green-room (which is never green) watching the program happening in the studio, enjoying the snacks and beverages that have been provided. When I'm led onto the stage I try not to pay much attention to the studio audience. It sounds silly, but the first few times I had to concentrate on just walking over to greet the host without fallingâthat's how unfamiliar and nerve-racking an experience it can be to the uninitiated. But once in the chair, it's time to settle in and get down to the business of giving America what it craves: more Sitch.
Travel PerksIf you are a traveler, like me, then you know it's tough to maintain a serious diet and fitness routine when you're always on the go. When I'm not filming my show, I'm hitting three or four cities a week, living out of a suitcase, spending long nights in dark clubs and many daylight hours 30,000 feet above the earth. Believe me, it's not easy to stick to the plan when you're on the road, but your life will dial into focus significantly if you remember The Situation's one, golden rule: You must plan your life around the gym.
That might sound crazy, but trust me, it's not. You're probably thinking, “Plan my life around the gym? That's insane! I have a life, Situation!” Well, let me tell you, you're not going to have a long life if you don't take care of yourself. If you don't take care of your body, everything in your life starts to deteriorate.
When you do fly, you want to do it in first class. But a word of caution: When you decide to make the leap forward into first-class seating, be certain that your situation is firmly established. Because once you go first class, you'll never be able to return to coach. Don't cobble together your money for a first-class ticket if you can only afford to do it once. That's faking a situation, not making a situation. Do it like I do it: Make MTV pay for your first-class flights and accommodations. If you're not yet on MTV, go back to the GTL until you are. Don't put the cart before the horse.
Real-Life Situation
Recently I arrived very late for my flight departing from the Houston airport. To my dismay, there was a massive amount of people waiting in lines that stretched for hours at both the check-in counters and the security gate. I knew with one look that there was no chance I was going to make my flight. I started walking through the terminal toward where I needed to be. I usually travel incognito, wearing a hat and sunglasses so I don't draw attention to myself (even though my hat and sunglasses are so fresh, they usually draw their own attention). The danger is, if people see The Situation, a whole airport might shut down. But on this morning in Houston I was not doing anything to conceal my identity. I was hopelessly late for my flight with thirty minutes before my plane took off. I hadn't printed my ticket or checked my bag, let alone considered the long wait through security, so I had accepted my fate. I was not getting on that airplane. As a Hail Mary, I approached one of the female airline representatives and asked her if she knew if my plane was running on schedule to JFK. As soon as she saw my face and heard my voice she lit up and said, in that sweet Texas drawl, “Oh my God! The Situation! It's you, isn't it?”
“It's me.”
“Honey, you have got to take a picture with me.”
“Anything for you guys. Hey, listen . . . I'm ridiculously late for my flight. Is there anyway you can check me in real quick?”
“Honey, for you, I'll do anything. Follow me, Situation.”
She went directly to one of the other airline representatives behind the check-in counter and huddled up with her while all the weary faces in the hour-long line trained their eyes on me. Then, all the women behind the counter stopped checking in passengers and came over to me for a round of photographs and autographs as they checked me in for my flight. From there, they radioed ahead to security and escorted me to the security gate, where I was deposited at the head of the line and immediately ushered through and rushed to my gate. I barely uttered a word as I was whisked from one station to the next. I was blown away that I could go from resigning myself to missing my flight to being raced onto my plane in a matter of minutes.
So, as far as any tricks I might recommend for breezing through security, the best thing I can suggest is that you become a famous person like The Situation. Other than that, you're on your own.
You may ask yourself: How will I know when I have achieved my own situation? I suggest the realization will become apparent the first time a member of the opposite sex is drawn to you purely by their perception of your fame. I had a very memorable experience the very first time I was noticed by a stranger as a television personality. It occurred on the day that
Jersey Shore
was set to premiere on MTV. The teasers and articles had been running nonstop leading up to the airing of the first episode and controversy was swirling before the series had even hit the airwaves. Audiences had already received their first taste of The Situation because I had enjoyed some media exposure as one of the main faces of the show, defending its content and telling everyone to relaxâit was just a group of friends out to have a great time together. The day of the premiere, I was waiting for an hour layover in the airport terminal in Charlotte, North Carolina, for my connecting flight to Los Angeles. Seated across from me was a beautiful girl, taking on her cell, who unmistakably kept looking over and smiling at me.
Jersey Shore
was set to premiere on MTV. The teasers and articles had been running nonstop leading up to the airing of the first episode and controversy was swirling before the series had even hit the airwaves. Audiences had already received their first taste of The Situation because I had enjoyed some media exposure as one of the main faces of the show, defending its content and telling everyone to relaxâit was just a group of friends out to have a great time together. The day of the premiere, I was waiting for an hour layover in the airport terminal in Charlotte, North Carolina, for my connecting flight to Los Angeles. Seated across from me was a beautiful girl, taking on her cell, who unmistakably kept looking over and smiling at me.
We boarded the plane, and as it turned out, her seat was one row up and diagonal from mine. This is when my wheels started turning. I figured we were hunkered down for a long flight across the country and I wanted to get to the bottom of the vibe I was feeling from this girl. Before I could make a move, she turned to me and said, “Are you Mike âThe Situation' from that Jersey show that's coming out?”
“You know it, girl.”
“I thought it was you,” she smiled. “It premieres tonight, right?”
“Yes it does.”
Being the spur-of-the-moment person that I am, willing to try anything once (see exception on page 94), I was suddenly determined to make the most of this very promising situation. I started thinking this might be my best chance to gain membership into the Mile-High Club. It was something I'd never remotely had the opportunity to do before and I thought this might be my bestâor perhaps, my onlyâchance to pull it off. I made eye contact with her, then looked over my shoulder toward the restroom indicating that we should try to make our way back there together at our first opportunity. To her credit, she smirked and nodded her head, taking my meaning exactly as we forged a wordless confederacy.
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