Here With Me (16 page)

My head shakes slowly as he kisses me again. “I love you, Ryley,” he says before leaving me standing in my kitchen, with my heart speeding after him. It would be so easy to fall back into a routine with him, and I wish that I could without consequences.

“Can we go dere?” I look out the window to see what EJ is talking about. We’ve stopped in traffic and set up not far off the road is a carnival, or maybe it’s a country fair.

“Not today, but we will when we get back.”

“Promtise?”

“Of course, I do,” I tell him as I look back at him riding in his seat. Evan insisted on driving in case EJ needed me. I think he secretly wanted to watch EJ in the rearview mirror because each time he fell asleep, Evan was slipping his hand into mine. I’m not fighting the affection. I know Evan needs it. I also know it’s wrong. I should keep my space because I’m engaged to another man whether he wants to accept it or not.

“Remember when we went to the fair?”

Yes! I want to scream at the top of my lungs. “Our second date,” I say, shyly, remembering exactly what our date entailed. That night, I saw just how romantic Evan could be.

“Do you remember the Ferris wheel?”

I try not to smile, but can’t help it. “I remember.” I stare at the Ferris wheel and feel slightly jealous of the kids up there, doing what Evan and I did. “You thought you were so smooth.”

Evan laughs, but keeps eye contact with me. “I
was
smooth. You had me on my toes. I had never met anyone like you. Every thought I had from the moment we met was about you.”

I hold his gaze, relishing in his admission. I’ll never be able to fully describe how he made me feel.

“I remember that day perfectly, Ry. I was holding your hand and said,
‘Do you want to go on some rides?’
”

I shake my head, recalling that day all too well. “Those rides made me cringe. I looked at the large hunks of metal and thought how can those rides be safe? They take them down and put them back together so many times.
‘No, thanks.’
I said, but was screaming on the inside to get me out of there, take me to the cows, anything, except those rides. You put your arm around me and pulled me closer. I felt so safe walking through those crowds and when you stopped in front of the photo booth I had a mild panic attack.”

“Why?” he’s trying not to laugh, but I can see the glint in his eyes. He’s mischievous bringing up this day. I squint at him, letting him know that I see through him. His innocent act isn’t fooling me.

“Once you closed those ugly maroon curtains I blurted out
‘What are we doing?’
I wanted to bang my head against the wall for being so stupid. I completely sucked at the dating thing. Of course I knew what we were doing
.
”

“You didn’t suck, Ry.”

“No, that part came later, right?” I raise my eyebrows at him, earning a crude gesture in return.

“
‘Well, for starters I’m going to sit you on my lap.’
That’s what I said to you, I believe. Your expression was full of questions until I pulled you right on top of me. I had to touch you so I slid my hand under your shirt. I remember your skin pebbling and I thought ‘damn, this girl is going to be the death of me.’ But when you leaned in, I knew you were feeling the same as I was.”

“
“Now, I’m going to kiss you.”
That’s what you said. I was so eager I couldn’t wait, so I kissed you and I remember feeling you on my leg. Knowing that you were turned on didn’t scare me though.”

“
“And now we’re going to take pictures.”
God, I was so cheesy. Why didn’t you go running for the hills?”

“Because I was already in love.” My admission catches him off guard. He picks up my hand, even though he knows EJ is watching and kisses my wrist.

“I knew you were the one,” he says, breaking my heart just a little bit more. “I still have the photo that was taken of me looking at you. I carry it everywhere.”

“Everywhere?” I ask.

He nods. “Even in my helmet. When it was taken, I thought, ‘Wow, how did a dumb jock like me get so lucky?’”

My smile fades as tears prickle my eyes. I won’t cry, not now. I turn and face the carnival again and let his words replay again.

“
“I want to take you on the Ferris wheel. The view from the top, overlooking the city, is amazing and you need to see it.”
That’s what you said. My dad told me earlier that night to watch out for pick-up lines, but I didn’t care.”

“
“Do you trust me?”
That’s what I asked you, and you said yes so damn fast. The first time we went around and you saw the city, you gasped. I couldn’t believe how excited you were, but your dad was right; that was a pick up line because I wanted to kiss you senseless, and I thought it’d be romantic at the top of the Ferris wheel.”

“You said I was beautiful.”

“You still are, Ry.”

“I couldn’t take my eyes off you once you said that.”

“Nor could I keep my lips off of you. That night, you let go and gave me the sexiest kiss I’ve ever had.”

I laugh, remembering all too clearly what it felt like when our tongues met for the first time. Forget fireworks, I was a full on grenade of teenage hormones. “I was eager after that,” I say, looking back at him.

“Shall we pull off and relive that date?” he laughs as I turn red.

“EJ…” I say shaking my head. Everything is different. We’re not kids anymore. I look over my shoulder and watch him stare at the fair. He loves the kiddie rides and can easily wear me out with a day at the fair.

“Someday, Ryley,” he says as we start driving again. Someday seems like it could be tomorrow or years from now. Either way,
someday
is going to be filled with heartache and pain, tears and hurtful words. I continue to stare out the window at the passing scenery and count down the miles until it’s my turn to drive.

TEN HOURS IN THE
car with the love of my life and I can’t touch her, say the things I want to say or pull over on a deserted road to show her how much I love her. Ten hours in the car with my son, who doesn’t know me, placates me by answering my questions when asked and doesn’t make eye contact with me because to him, I’m just a man driving his mom’s car who he’s been told is his dad. Needless to say, the Archer men are wound up, confused and ready to be out of the metal confinement we’re in.

Being in the car, traveling with Ryley and EJ, regardless of the destination has been surreal. The talking, the laughter and the subtle touches when she’d brush my arm with hers to hand something to EJ are all moments that I’m storing in my memory bank. Each moment is one I’ll cherish because I don’t know if or when I’ll get more. We may get to my mother’s, drive home and she could tell me that I’m no longer welcome or that I can see EJ once a week. Thing is, I want to see
her
every day. I’m not sure she understands how deep and solid my love for her is. EJ is a product of our love. He makes us complete. I can’t have him without her. Life doesn’t work that way for me.

Recounting our day at the fair gives me hope. Knowing now that she was in love with me then tells me that winning her back may not be so hard. Thing is, Ryley’s loyal and I’m not about to do anything to compromise her integrity. I should probably stop kissing her, but I can’t. I don’t want to. I need her to know that I’m in this for the long haul or until she decides that my brother is definitely the one for her. I know he’s not though. He’s too straight-laced and soft to keep someone like Ryley happy. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she craves the danger, the excitement. She likes the bad-boy façade with the nice guy on the inside. That’s who I am and have never been anything different. I’m the rule breaker, the rebel, but at night you’ll find me cuddled up next to her. Or I soon will be.

I see a lot of me in EJ already. I’ve noticed the looks he gives Ryley when she tells him he can’t do something. The defiance is there just waiting to come out. When I was little, probably around his age, my mother called me the devil and always referred to Nate as her angel. It didn’t bother me until now. Looking back, even my dad favored Nate. Maybe it’s because I was more outgoing or wasn’t afraid to go after what I wanted. I don’t know. Either way, the more I think about it, the angrier I become.

Exiting off the highway, my heart begins to beat just a bit faster and my palms start to sweat, but not in the way I get when see Ryley. This is from nerves. In hindsight, I should’ve waited until after Rask saw his parents, so I’d be able to gauge their reaction and prepare myself for what my mom and sister are going to do. I could’ve called her, but after Rask’s mom ended up in the hospital with a minor heart attack, I didn’t think that’d be a good idea. Frankly, dealing with all this bullshit with Ryley has been enough to keep my mind occupied. I’m a shit son for not calling, but my life is upside down right now. Hopefully my mom will understand.

I look over at Ryley as she watches the passing scenery. Her arm is sitting down by her side and I keep telling myself it’s because she wants me to hold her hand. Fuck it. I
need
to hold her hand. I need her comfort and support. Grasping her hand in mine, she looks quickly at me then over her shoulder at EJ, who from the rearview mirror I can see isn’t paying attention to what his mom is doing. He should see his dad touching his mom. It’ll give him a healthy perspective when he starts dating. It just sucks that he doesn’t know me as his dad. Hopefully he will in due time, but I can’t rush him. It’d be incredibly selfish and unfair of me to make him call me ‘Dad’ or even consider me as such.

Driving through the streets of Sacramento, I’m surprised that I remember the way to my mother’s. She moved here after Livvie graduated from high school. Nate and I tried to convince her to move to San Diego so she’d be closer, but she said it’d be too hot and was tired of being so close to the water. I don’t blame her, with my dad dying and all, but with EJ being around I sort of hoped she’d be near him.

Her relationship with Ryley is one that concerns me. I’ve always had visions that my mother would be there every step of the way for my kids and my wife. Ryley may not be my wife… yet, but she’s the mother of my son. EJ is the innocent one here. I’m not saying she has to live near me, but the story Ryley tells doesn’t fit the mold I had for my mom as a grandma.

“You should pull over so we can talk before we get to your mom’s.”

I do as she suggests, not really questioning her. I’m sure she’s nervous, and for different reasons. I put the car in park, and turn slightly to face her.

“Last night I told you that your mom and I don’t get along, and as much as I would rather stay home today, I feel that you need some support. We were all very angry, very bitter. I think that after she lost your dad, she became jaded and when you… well, when we were told that you were gone she just shut down. She’s not the same person you remember.”

I process her words and for one moment try to put myself in their shoes but I can’t. If I were told that Ryley were dead, I’d drink myself into oblivion until I could join her. I don’t want to think about her ever being gone from my life, even though, technically, it feels a little like that now. Physically I can see her and touch her. I can hear her voice and smell her coconut shampoo. My mom can’t do any of that with my dad, and she couldn’t do it with me after she was told I was gone.

“I also think I should go in first and tell her so that she’s prepared. I don’t want her to be like me and say horrible things to you when she sees you because she doesn’t believe.”

“Okay,” I agree with her instantly because I think she has a point. I don’t want to relive that afternoon with Ryley. The memory of that day is a hard pill to swallow. I pray that I’ll never witness that much fear, resentment, and unknown by her again

I put the car into drive and head down into the cul-de-sac where my mom lives. The white house with blue shutters is decorated with hanging flower baskets and rose bushes. I pull into the driveway without thinking, only for my mother to step outside in her gardening clothes.

“This isn’t going to be good. She’s going to think you’re Nate,” Ryley says, hopping out of the car.