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Chapter Eight

Mom gives me a bone-crushing hug when I get home, then plasters on an artificial smile and pretends as though nothing has happened. As though our family hasn’t been ripped to shreds.

Anna shoots a glare from behind Mom’s back then ignores me most of the evening, as though I don’t exist.

I can live with this. I already do.

We fake our way through dinner with Mom’s forced happy banter until the tension becomes so thick I can no longer choke down my pasty macaroni and cheese. I escape to the sanctuary of my room under the guise of homework and even though I really do have intentions of doing it, I’m distracted. The image of my father walking out the door keeps popping into my head, making the pasta in my gut feel like a ten-pound weight.

Evan calls and texts numerous times throughout the evening, until I turn off my phone, holding firm in my resolve to ignore him.

After a couple hours of studying with little progress to show for it, I give up and climb into bed. I toss and turn before falling into a troubled, dreamless sleep.

In the morning, Mom’s in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee. She makes an attempt to smile but the dark circles under her swollen eyes give her away.

I can’t stand seeing her this way and pull her into a hug. “I’m sorry.” I whisper in her ear.

She leans back and cups my check. “It’s not your fault. Do you hear me?” Her eyes probe mine, demanding an answer.

My throat burns, but I choke out, “Yes.”

“
It’s not your fault,” she murmurs and squeezes me tighter.

I dread going to school. The thought of facing Sarah makes me nauseated, but the thought of seeing Evan makes me lightheaded. I’m not sure I have the strength to stay away from him.

It’s easy to avoid him all morning until I turn the corner to English Lit. Evan and Sarah stand several feet from the classroom door, Sarah clinging tighter than usual. My pulse speeds up and I freeze, several bodies slamming into me from behind. I stumble forward, then hide behind a group of people next to the lockers as I watch Evan.

He frowns, glaring at the top of Sarah’s head as she scans the hall. I know who she’s looking for. She spots me and her eyes narrow with laser focus. She tugs on Evan’s arm, wrapping it around her waist, then flashes a triumphant smile.

The blood rushes from my face.

I don’t want him, so why am I upset?

I hide around the corner. Evan pushes Sarah’s arm away and scans the crowd with an anxious look. He walks away as the tardy bells rings, but I wait until Sarah goes into the class before going in. An eerie silence fills the hall.

Even though my impromptu hide-and-seek makes me late to English Lit, Mrs. Jacobs doesn’t seem to notice. Sarah turns her head sideways to watch me slide in my seat. The way her eyes follow my every move reminds me of a predator tracking its prey. A cold chill shoots up my back. Seeing Evan has set me on edge and Sarah’s hatred nearly topples me over it.

When the dismissal bell rings, the class gathers their books and bags to leave. Sarah hangs back with Lindsey as though she’s waiting for me.

“
Julia, can you stay behind for a moment?” Mrs. Jacobs calls to me on my way out.

“
Sure.”

Sarah curls her lips into a sneer then she and Lindsey leave.

Mrs. Jacobs leans against her desk. “I’ve noticed you’re participating in class.”

I feel like a kindergartener being praised for learning how to raise my hand. “Thanks, I’m trying.”

“
I’ve been thinking it might help if you joined an extracurricular activity. Forensics will be starting soon. It might be fun and you might forget about...things.”

Things
. If only I could compartmentalize my problems into a folder titled Things. “Yeah, thanks, Mrs. Jacobs. I’ll think about it.”

Thankfully, Sarah is gone, but I have no desire to tempt fate by going into the lunchroom. Instead, I escape to the choir room and sit in my corner. I’ve just settled on the floor when the door swings open and I involuntarily draw a deep breath. The only person who’s ever seen me here is Lindsey. It has to be her and Sarah.

But it’s Evan. His anxious face scans the dark room and until he finds me in the corner. His face and shoulders relax as he walks over and sinks to the floor across from me. “Did you bring lunch?”

Of all the things I think he might say, this isn’t one of them. “What?”

His backpack flops on the floor in front of him and he unzips it, pulling out a brown paper bag. “Did you bring lunch?” His face looks up to see my stunned expression. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He pulls two sandwiches out of his bag. “Turkey or peanut butter?”

“
Uh… peanut butter.”

He hands it to me. “Good choice. You need to put more fat on your bones. You’ve lost too much weight.”

As I take a bite, I can’t help wondering how Evan knows I’ve lost weight.

Evan studies his sandwich. “Why didn’t you answer my texts yesterday? Or my calls?”

“
Evan…”

“
I thought we were friends.” He sounds hurt as his eyes look up into mine.

Evan thinks we’re friends. Why this surprises me so much I’m not sure, given all his text messages and phone calls. I give him a half smile. “It’s complicated.”

He grimaces. “Aww… I see.”

“
No, it’s not what you think.”

Evan pulls a bottle of water out of his backpack and offers it to me. “Then tell me what it is.”

“
Evan…”

“
Why are you shutting me out?” His voice pings off the metal chair legs in the room.

To my dismay, tears fill my eyes. “That would imply that I actually let you in.”

He puts his hand over mine, the bottle still in my grip. “Then let me in, Julia. Let me help you.”

I stare into his eyes and wish for things I have no business wishing for. “No.” I whisper as a tear slips down my cheek. “I hurt everyone I touch.”

He shakes his head and lifts his hand up to my cheek. His thumb wipes away my tear. “No, you definitely don’t.”

I’m floored. “How can you say that? You don’t even know me.”

“
I know you better than you think. You’re blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You don’t remember what happened. You need to let it go, Jules.”

I close my eyes. If only it was that easy.

His lips brush my forehead and then his hand is gone, my cheek left cold and exposed. “You need to eat. You need to take care of yourself.”

My eyes open, sure I’ve just dreamed that Evan kissed my forehead.

“
Do you come here every lunch period?”

It takes me a moment to recover before I answer. “No, just when I can’t deal with facing the student body of James Monroe High School.”

He grins. “Then you
do
come here every day.”

He puts me at ease and I can’t help laughing. “Close. How did you find me here?”

“
I followed you.” Evan pulls an apple and a bag of chips out of his brown sack as I finish my sandwich. “Why did you stop answering my texts?” He hands me the chips and takes a bite of the apple.

I consider dodging his question but decide to tell him the truth. Maybe he can help. “My father left yesterday.”

He takes another bite, the sharp crunch filling the room. “You mean like on a business trip?”

“
No. He left us. He walked out.”

Evan pauses, the apple halfway to his mouth.

I shrug. “I shouldn’t be surprised. He hasn’t been the same since the accident. He can’t look at me. He can’t deal with me. So he left.”

“
Jules, I’m so sorry. In spite of what you think, it’s not your fault your dad left.”

His challenge makes me bristle. “How would you know? You don’t even know him.”

Evan seems to weigh his words before he speaks. “I know he sucks as a dad if he abandoned his family when they need him the most.”

“
No, I pushed him too far.”

His face contorts with frustration. “Why? Because you were in an accident? Because you’re upset that your best friend died? What about unconditional love, Julia? Dads aren’t supposed to leave when things get hard.”

I look away. “I need to fix this. I need to figure out how to get him to come back so my mom will stop crying, and my sister will stop hating me.”

“
Julia, it’s not your responsibility to fix your parents’ marriage.”

Indignation spills into my words. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.” What I’m saying is untrue and unfair, yet I can’t stop myself.

His hand rests on my knee as his shoulders slump. He says in a hushed tone, “I’m sorry. I know how hard it was for you to tell me. Let me think about it and see if I can come up with anything.”

I inhale a breath of relief. “Thanks.”

We eat in silence until the bell rings. Shouldering his backpack, he stands up then reaches down to me, his palm open. I look into his solemn face as my hand finds his. He pulls me to my feet and his eyes light up as his mouth lifts into a lopsided grin. I stand inches from him, close enough to smell the faint hint of his soap. The top of my head reaches the bottom of his chin and I have to tilt my head back to look up at him, our lips barely inches apart.

His pupils dilate. He drops my hand and takes a step back. “We need to get to class or we’ll be tardy.”

“
Yeah.” A chain around his neck has fallen out from beneath his shirt as he bent over and the light shining through the blinds catches a pendant dangling from it. I lean closer to get a better look as Evan’s eyes widen.

It’s a Celtic love knot.

My head jerks up to face him as he hastily reaches up and tucks the necklace under his shirt.

His hand finds the small of my back as he steers me to the door. “I’ll see you in history.”

I force a smile in my confusion. “I’ll be there.”

We walk into the hallway, going opposite directions. I resist the urge to watch him walk away.

In biology, I sit in a flabbergasted daze. Why is Evan wearing a Celtic love knot? Obviously, that’s how he knew what it was on my page. It’s odd that he’s wearing one and I’m drawing one. That can’t be a coincidence. I shiver.

Irritation rankles close behind. I broke my vow to stay away from him and all it took was a brown bag lunch to crumple my defenses. Yet I can’t ignore that my heart feels lighter and that hope replaces my despair when I’m with him. Surely, that counts for something.

That and he might have answers to my mysteries.

After class, I find him waiting outside the door. He smiles at me and the sad truth sinks in. I can’t stay away from Evan and I don’t want to. My heart craves him too much.

We walk to my locker and the rightness of being next to him is undeniable. He waits while I get my book. I shift my eyes to make sure he’s really there. When I shut my locker door, he wraps his arm around my waist and we walk to class. Other students stop, eyes wide and mouths hanging open.

My days of hiding are over.

Chapter Nine

I walk to my seat in History with Evan following behind. He slides into the desk next to me and I gape in shock.

He lifts an eyebrow. “What?”

“
But you sit in front…”

“
Not anymore.” He bends over and pulls his books from his backpack.

There are no official assigned seats so it’s not against the rules, but it’s surprising nonetheless. News of this will be all over school before the final bell. I already see students texting on cell phones hidden behind their books.

“
But everyone is going to see us together,” I hiss.

“
So? I want them to.” His furrowed brow proves his determination.

Mr. Archer takes roll. His eyebrows raise slightly when he sees Evan beside me, but he recovers and begins his lecture on the Vietnam War. Although I try to listen, my gaze strays to Evan. He’s intrigued by Mr. Archer’s lesson and takes notes as if he’s never heard of the Vietnam War before. I have good intentions, but my pen begins its random journey, although I wonder how random it actually is. Maybe I can find something else embedded in the dense lines if I pay attention while my hand draws them.

First, I draw the hearts and the elaborate scrolls that encase them. The drawing takes nearly the entire class period. I glance at Evan. His chin rests on his hand and he seems mesmerized by Mr. Archer’s lecture. Apparently, he really likes history.

I move to another part of the paper, making tight, entwined marks. It’s not until the bell rings that I recognize a letter. The letter E.

My eyes jerk up, my stomach falling to my feet.

E… for Evan?

He stuffs his books in his bag and smiles. “Ready?”

Warmth fills my chest and spreads, lighting the dark hollows of my heart. I recognize this long-forgotten feeling, sure I’d never feel it again.

Hope.

I stand and smile, suddenly feeling shy. “Yeah.”

His face lights up. “You should smile more often.”

I look away, my face flaming with embarrassment.

He takes the backpack out of my hand and slings it over his shoulder along with his own. “Let’s go.”

He laces his fingers through mine and we walk out of the room. People stop and stare, whispering. I glance up at Evan.

His jaw clenches and his hand tightens around mine. “Ignore them,” he says through gritted teeth. We stop at my locker. Evan stands with his back to mine as though he can shield me from the curious stares.

I get out my trig and chemistry books and the coat I’d forgotten on Friday. “Okay. Let’s go.”

I feel awkward as we pass through the crowd. For someone who’s shunned attention for months, I’m bombarded with it now. I lower my head and focus on the coat draped over my arm.

When we reach the library, Evan opens the door. I pass through the opening and look back to say goodbye.

His mouth purses. “I’m coming in with you.”

“
I’m sure you—”

He gives my back a gentle push. “I’m coming.”

Here’s a side to Evan I don’t know. Stubbornness.

Maryann Sweeney hasn’t shown up yet. We sit at the table Evan and I use. He takes the seat directly across from me.

“
You’re not planning to stay for my tutoring session, are you?”

He scans the room, his mouth in a hard line. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“
I’ve gotten along fine without you for two months, Evan. I don’t need you to stand guard.”

His eyes bore into mine, anger bubbling beneath the surface. “Have you, Julia? Really? Because I don’t think you have.” I’m not sure who his rage is directed at, but somehow I know it’s not me.

My own fury flares at his judgment. “Maybe I chose not to.”

He runs a hand through his hair with a groan. Leaning across the table, he takes my hands in his. “Watching you suffer is killing me, Julia.
Please
. Let me help you.”

I stare at him in disbelief. “Why now, Evan? Why not months ago?”

He slams his palm on the table. “Because apparently, I’m an idiot.”

The librarian and the students at the tables next to us turn, eyebrows raised in alarm.

He rises and takes a deep breath. “When you finish, I’ll be out in the hall waiting. Don’t leave without me.”

I watch him exit the library as Maryann walks in. He holds the door for her and she turns around to watch him leave, not attempting to hide her appreciation.

She sits next to me and throws her coat on the table, still looking back. “Evan Whittaker is to die for,” she says with a sigh.

Awkward. Maryann must not have a cell phone. “Uh, yeah.”

“
I know he’s with Sarah Chapman, but a girl can still dream.”

Then what is he doing with me?

I spend the next hour going over the periodic table and compounds with Maryann.

“
You pick this up amazingly fast. Why do you need a tutor?” She chews on the end of her pencil.

“
It’s a long story.”

“
Well, if you keep up the way you have and redo all your assignments, you’ll be all caught up before you know it.” She stands and shrugs into her coat. “See you next Monday.” She waves as she walks away.

I give her a half-hearted wave then slump across the table, burying my face in my arms. Evan said he would wait for me outside the library. I’m nervous to find out why, worried his attention is like a game of Jenga, likely to tumble at any moment.

Maryann’s words rush back.
I know he’s with Sarah Chapman, but a girl can still dream.
She’s right, of course. Evan Whittaker has always had a reputation of only dating the most popular girls. If Evan is the CEO on the James Monroe High School social scale, I’m a janitor.

His interest in me doesn’t fit with reality, yet the love knot connection makes me wonder.

I pack up my belongings and put on my coat, unsure how to handle the situation. I’m not sure I should trust him until I find out if he has ulterior motives.

I walk out the library doors and find him leaning with his back to the wall.

All my doubts fall away.

His eyes fill with longing as he steps toward me. I freeze, mesmerized. It only takes a couple of strides to reach me. Evan’s gaze holds mine and he releases a small gasp as he lifts his hand to my cheek.

“
I’d forgotten how beautiful you were.” His voice is breathless.

“
I was only in the library an hour.” I whisper, amazed any sound comes out at all.

“
Never again.” He holds my face with both hands. His eyes grow glassy with tears. “I’m never letting you go again.”

My stomach jitters.

His head lowers before I have time to ask him what he means and his lips touch mine, soft and tentative.

It’s my first kiss and I’m rigid, frightened I’ll do the wrong thing. A warm feeling spreads through my chest.

His arm wraps around my back, pulling me closer. My body grows weak and I relax into him with a sigh. Instinct takes over as his kiss deepens.

He lifts his head and rests my cheek against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have done that. Especially not here in the hall.”

“
No,” I croak, then find my voice. “It’s okay.” I slip my arms around his back.

He buries his face in my hair, his embrace tightening.

We stand outside the library doors, clinging to each another as though the world has ceased to exist. For me it has. There’s only Evan. He’s the morning sun that chases away the long-reaching shadows of night.

“
Let’s get out of here.” He kisses my forehead then takes my backpack and grabs my hand. His smile looks sad as he tugs me toward the door.

We walk out into sunshine, but the wind still has a bite. When I shiver, Evan pulls my body close as we walk to his car.

“
Do you have to go home now?” The hopefulness in his voice makes my stomach quiver.

My longing to be with Evan fights with my conscience. Mom needs me at home. “Yeah.”

He groans softly as his grip tightens.

“
It’s not that I want to go home, it’s just that with Dad leaving…”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay, Jules. I understand.”

“
Thanks.”

As he drives out of the parking lot, he says, “There’s always the phone.”

We drive in silence. He holds my hand so tight my fingers tingle. When he pulls in front of my house, he reaches for the car door.

“
Evan, wait.”

He stops and looks hopeful.

“
I don’t think you should walk me to the door.”

His shoulders fall. “Why not?”

“
With my dad and all… it’s just one more thing to explain. I’d rather wait a few days before my mom and sister know.”

He places his hand over mine. “Okay, you’re probably right. It’s just I’ve waited so long for you, it’s hard to let you go.”

“
Sorry.” I want to protest and say that I’ve been here all along, but I know he’ll make an excuse. Instead, I go for something more tangible. “Where did you get your necklace? Can I see it?”

His eyes widen. “What?”

“
I thought I saw a Celtic love knot hanging from it today in the choir room.”

“
It’s not a love knot.”

“
Can I see it anyway?”

His hand reaches to his neck and pulls down his collar. “It fell off.” He acts concerned but it’s a bit over the top. He’s hiding it from me.

Evan leans over and kisses me as I wage an inner battle, unsure I should trust him. Guilt washes through me. He’s never given me any reason not to. If anything, he makes me feel better. I breathe in his scent, hoping to store it in my memory.

“
You better go inside before both of us change our minds,” he murmurs against my mouth. “Or I decide to walk you to the door anyway.”

I smile and reluctantly pull away. “Okay,”

“
I’ll call you later.” His eyes burn into mine, leaving me no doubt that he will.

I walk to the front door and he remains at the curb, waiting for me to go inside. When I open the door, I give him a tiny wave as he drives away.

Anna is sprawled across the sofa watching TV with a bowl of popcorn next to her.

“
Who was that?” She sounds bored by her own question.

“
No one.” I pass her on my way to my room.

“
It didn’t look like no one when you kissed him,” she says in a singsong voice.

I back up and stand at the entrance to the hall. “What exactly did you see?”

She lifts an eyebrow with a wicked look. “Enough to know you have a boyfriend.”

“
I do
not
have a boyfriend. He’s my tutor and he drove me home.”

She snorts. “Is he tutoring you on how to kiss?”

“
Arg!” I stomp to my room and slam the door behind me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Mom to know about Evan. The timing just completely sucks.

I toss my backpack on the floor and go into the kitchen. If Dad isn’t coming home because of me, the least I can do is start dinner. Anna’s eyes follow me with an evil glare.

I find a pound of ground beef in the refrigerator and decide to make chili. The hamburger browns in the skillet while I start chopping an onion.

“
What are you doing?” Anna stands in the doorway. She scrunches her nose and leans back as though the onion will jump off the cutting board and bite her.

“
What’s it look like? I’m making chili.”

She glowers. “I hate onions. That’s not how Mom does it.”

“
Well, Mom’s not home, is she?” I scrape the diced vegetables into the skillet.

Crossing her arm with a huff, she stomps a foot then whirls around to go watch her show.

By the time Mom gets home, I’m draining the grease into the sink.

She stands in the doorway, her mouth gaping. “What’s going on?”

“
I’m cooking dinner. Why is everyone being all weird about it?” I scowl, tossing the meat back into the skillet.

“
Sorry. It’s just… you haven’t…since…” She twists the strap of her purse as she fumbles for the right words.

I’ve thrown her off so it’s not fair to be upset. I try to ignore that I am anyway. “It’s okay, Mom. I know I’ve been self-centered lately. I’m just trying to help, okay? Let’s not make a big deal about it.”

She holds up a hand in surrender, but a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. “I’m not making a big deal about it.”

“
Good.”

“
Don’t let her fool you, Mom.” Anna leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed. She cocks her head to the side and shoots a condescending look in my direction. “She’s trying to soften the news.”

Mom’s face pales.

I roll my eyes in exasperation. “Everything is fine, Mom.” I glare at my sister. “Stop acting like a jerk, Anna.”

Anna grins with an evil gleam. “A boy brought her home from school. Her
tu-tor
.”

Mom turns from Anna to me, her eyebrows stretched so high over her eyes I think they will meet her hairline. “Really?”

“
Well.. uh…”

Mom beams, the happiest I’ve seen her in ages. “Are you interested in this boy? Do I know him?”

I groan. This interrogation is exactly what I hoped to avoid. “His name is Evan Whittaker. He’s a junior and he’s tutoring me for his community service hours. He happened to bring me home because the bus already left and it was cold outside. He only did it because he’s a nice guy.” I hate that I’m lying … well, partially. He’s all of those things, just …more.

Anna covers her mouth with her hand and snickers, but Mom doesn’t notice.

“
Whittaker? Why does that name sound familiar?” Mom scrunches up the side of her mouth as she thinks. “Oh! I know! His father made the news not too long ago. He’s a researcher for Simmons Industries. He made some big discovery. I just don’t remember what it was.”

“
Yeah, I don’t know anything about that. I only know that Evan is tutoring me in three of my classes.” I try to act like it’s no big deal, just some after school activity.