Her Two Dads (14 page)

Jaime came home at his regular time, much to Srikkanth’s relief. A part of him he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge feared Jaime wouldn’t come home at all. Srikkanth got a cool greeting, little more than a perfunctory nod, but Jaime cooed over Sophie, giving Srikkanth the comfort of knowing he had not lied to his daughter. Dinner was a tense affair, neither man speaking to the other, all their conversation directed at Sophie. Srikkanth’s stomach got tighter as the meal stretched interminably, the silence making him realize how warm their friendship had always been, even before they’d started something more. To have that torn away hurt far worse than any breakup he’d gone through before. Then again, he’d never started a family with any of his previous boyfriends or had a relationship with a roommate.

He hoped for a chance to talk to Jaime after Sophie went to bed, but while Jaime kissed her goodnight, he didn’t follow Srikkanth upstairs as he usually did to help with her bath and bedtime, and when Srikkanth came back downstairs after getting her settled, Jaime had gone out without leaving a note. Srikkanth considered waiting in the living room for him to come home, but he didn’t know what time, or even if, Jaime would get home, and he didn’t want to seem desperate. Neither one of them had to work the next day, so he’d have time then, and the memory of the locked door stayed with him, a reminder that Jaime didn’t want to see him. With a sigh, he climbed back upstairs, trying to get comfortable in his bed. He couldn’t spend another night in Sophie’s rocking chair. His neck and back had ached all day because of last night. The bed was just as cold and empty as the night before, though, and it took a long time before he finally fell asleep.

He didn’t wake up when Jaime came upstairs later that night and stood in the doorway for several minutes before going into the nursery and giving Sophie a bottle. Jaime rocked her for a long time after she’d fallen back asleep, needing the closeness with her since he couldn’t have it with her father right now. He’d gone for a run after dinner, needing to release the stress of work and of the impasse with Srikkanth. It had done its job, but it had also given him even more to think about. In the park, he’d encountered another family very much like the one he’d thought he and Srikkanth were creating. The child was older, five or six probably, but that only strengthened Jaime’s resolve. He’d actually stopped and approached the couple, introducing himself and asking them about reactions to their family. The men had replied that they did sometimes encounter prejudice still, but that being together, being a family, more than made up for it. They’d taught their son what to say in the face of insults and to be proud of who he was and who his parents were. Jaime had thanked them and continued his run, aching even more for what he knew he and Srikkanth could have if only Srikkanth would let them. Kissing Sophie’s forehead one more time, he set her back in her crib and went downstairs, wondering how long he could stand to wait for Srikkanth to come to his senses. He refused to admit that Srikkanth might never change his mind.

The
next morning, Srikkanth received the same cool nod as the day before, nothing in Jaime’s demeanor giving away his late night excursion. He missed Srikkanth desperately, but he couldn’t be the one to give in, not if he wanted to retain any sense of self-respect. He might be able to live the way Srikkanth wanted for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but eventually he’d come to resent him, and the resulting explosion would be far worse than what he was feeling right now. At least at the moment, he still had Sophie. He wanted that to continue, but he couldn’t do what Srikkanth asked. Not in any permanent fashion. He couldn’t force Srikkanth to change his mind, though, which meant waiting until Srikkanth was ready to change his mind and hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be too long. After the past three months, he didn’t know if he could go back to just being a roommate. If he moved out, though, he’d lose his connection to Sophie entirely.

Trying not to let his longing show too strongly on his face, he offered to watch Sophie for a few hours if Srikkanth had any errands he needed to run. “Since you aren’t going out with her while I’m gone.”

Srikkanth flinched at the comment, making Jaime feel bad, but he didn’t apologize. Srikkanth had to see how ridiculous he was acting. “I do need to go to the grocery,” Srikkanth agreed. “Are you sure you don’t mind watching her?”

“When have I ever minded watching her?” Jaime asked acerbically, trying not to be offended that Srikkanth would think their change in relationship would affect his relationship with Sophie. “She isn’t the one who made me angry.”

“About that—”

“You know where I stand,” Jaime interrupted, not wanting to get into the discussion again. “Go get your groceries and whatever else you need. Sophie and I will be fine here while you’re gone.”

He didn’t give Srikkanth the chance to continue the conversation. He simply picked Sophie up and went to his room, shutting the door behind him to end the discussion.

When he heard the door to the condo shut behind Srikkanth, he carried Sophie back into the living room, picking up some of her toys and settling with her on the floor. He put her down on her blanket and lay down beside her, dangling her favorite rattle in front of her. She smiled and cooed and reached for it, her little arms flailing as she tried to make her fingers and eyes work together. “How stubborn is your daddy going to be?” he asked her after a moment.

She blinked at him with her owlishly big eyes.

“How long is he going to pretend he wants to live like this, with us hardly talking and you caught in the middle?” Jaime went on. “You have to know I don’t want it this way. I want it the way things were before the social worker came to visit, before one person’s prejudice scared your father into hiding. I can’t make him change, though, so we’ll have to be patient. No matter what happens, I want you to remember that I love you.”

Srikkanth
came home to the most beautiful sight he could’ve imagined. Instinctively, he started toward Jaime and Sophie, wanting to join them, to be part of the perfect tableau, but the moment Jaime heard him, he stood up and ceded his place to Srikkanth. “Jaime—”

“Thank you for letting me watch her,” Jaime interrupted, not letting Srikkanth continue. He knew Srikkanth wanted him to stay, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t play house with Srikkanth and Sophie here if Srikkanth wasn’t willing to take that relationship outside the walls of their condo.

“You don’t have to leave,” Srikkanth persisted.

Jaime smiled sadly. “Yes, I do. I won’t pretend, Sri. I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Monday
had to be the longest day of the week, Srikkanth decided as he drove home from work. He’d even managed to get away early, and it had still felt never-ending. With a relieved sigh, he pulled into the parking lot and walked up the steps, listening for the sound of Jaime’s voice and Sophie’s laughter. He didn’t want to disturb his daughter if she was asleep.

Silence greeted him as he opened the door. He slipped upstairs to peek into Sophie’s room, but her crib was empty. Frowning, he set down his briefcase and went back downstairs to check Jaime’s room. It was empty as well.

His heart seized. He told himself Jaime had simply taken Sophie for a walk, but that didn’t slow his pulse as he ran to the window. Jaime’s car was in the parking lot, but that merely meant he was on foot or that someone else had driven him. Visions of the social worker and police returning and taking both Sophie and Jaime away tormented him as he grabbed his cell phone and dialed Jaime’s number. The phone rang in the downstairs bedroom. Stomach twisting tighter at the thought that wherever Jaime was, he didn’t have his phone, Srikkanth dug his keys back out of his pocket. He’d drive around the neighborhood a bit to see if he could find them, and then if not, he’d start making phone calls. He didn’t have the slightest idea where to start with the calls, but he’d figure it out.

Srikkanth drove around the condo complex first, thinking Jaime might have gone out to get some fresh air, but he didn’t find them. Leaving the gated parking lot, he circled the neighborhood in ever-increasing circles, driving far more slowly than he usually would as he searched for his missing family.

He found them about twenty minutes later—the longest twenty minutes of his life—in the nearby park. Jaime held Sophie as he sat on a bench with another man while a third man played catch with a school-aged boy. Srikkanth’s stomach sank with miserable jealousy until the boy ran up to the man on the bench, dragging the pitcher behind him, and gave the seated one a hug. The pitcher bent as well, giving a quick kiss to his partner. Srikkanth let out the breath he hadn’t known he was holding, his heart pounding now for a different reason.

Leaving Sophie and Jaime to their walk, he drove slowly back home, his thoughts all awhirl.

Sitting down at the kitchen table, he leaned his chin on his hands and tried to make everything fit back into place.

It didn’t.

It couldn’t because he had an extra piece now, one he hadn’t expected, hadn’t identified until now, and it changed everything. He’d almost gotten used to thinking of himself and Sophie as a unit, of planning for a future with them together. He still wanted that, but seeing Jaime talking to the man in the park had driven home one other realization.

He was in love with Jaime.

And that changed everything.

With that immutable fact in mind, he found himself reconsidering his position. Jaime had made his expectations very clear. Srikkanth didn’t know if his roommate—no, his lover. Srikkanth was determined to win him back—felt the same way Srikkanth did, but if he didn’t find a way to compromise, he wouldn’t have a chance at all. That meant facing his fears and finding a way to keep them under control even if he couldn’t completely let them go.

He’d dealt with prejudice before, both because of his ethnicity and because of his sexuality. He’d learned to deal with it for himself, either by ignoring it or by fighting it, but this time it threatened Sophie, and his protective instincts had kicked in, causing him to retreat in an effort to protect his child. He didn’t think any parent would question that instinctive reaction, but Jaime was right as well. They couldn’t live that way. Sophie needed to go out, to be around other people. She needed to grow up free of fear and secure in the belief that her parents were as proud of themselves as they were of her. He prayed he hadn’t lost his chance with Jaime and that he’d find a way to convince Jaime he wanted a life together for the three of them.

When Jaime and Sophie came home half an hour later, he hadn’t moved from his spot.

“You’re home early,” Jaime commented slowly, not sure how Srikkanth would react to the fact that he’d taken Sophie out for a walk.

“I missed you,” Srikkanth said by way of explanation. “Both of you.”

“Sri—”

“No, don’t interrupt me this time,” Srikkanth insisted. “I’m sorry. I let fear get in the way of what was important, and that wasn’t fair to you or to Sophie.”

Jaime nodded slowly, heart beating a little faster at Srikkanth’s words. “Let’s eat dinner and put Sophie to bed and then we’ll talk, all right?”

“As long as you don’t run away from me again,” Srikkanth pressed. “You’ve run away every time I’ve tried to talk to you for the last two days.”

“We’ll talk after dinner,” Jaime repeated, not wanting to start this now. It wouldn’t be a short or easy conversation, he suspected, and he’d rather wait to have it until they could talk uninterrupted for as long as they needed to.

Srikkanth subsided and Jaime let it go, turning his attention to Sophie as they fixed dinner and ate. He was tempted to follow Srikkanth upstairs for Sophie’s bath, but they hadn’t resolved anything between them yet, and he didn’t want to presume. If the conversation went the way he hoped, he’d be back up there with them soon, maybe even tonight. If not…. As much as he didn’t want to think about the “if not,” he knew he had to accept that possibility and protect himself from the hurt as much as he could. He kissed her forehead tenderly and told her he loved her before Srikkanth took her upstairs. For now, that would have to be enough.

Srikkanth came back downstairs an hour later, his lip caught between his teeth in an expression that made Jaime want to lean over and kiss the abused flesh. The need to talk, to settle everything between them, held him back.

“You wanted to talk?” Jaime prompted.

Srikkanth nodded, taking the place next to Jaime on the couch. “I want another chance,” he said. “I miss you. Sophie misses you.”

“This can’t be about Sophie,” Jaime said with a shake of his head. “I love her and nothing will change that, but we can’t be together because you need help with her. That isn’t fair to her or to us.”

“I know that,” Srikkanth agreed. “I didn’t mean it that way, but while it can’t be about Sophie, anything we decide will affect her, and we can’t forget that either.”

“So what did you mean?”

Srikkanth took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you. I want us to be together, like a proper couple.”

“That isn’t what you’ve been saying since the social worker visited,” Jaime reminded him. “It isn’t what you said on Friday night.”

“I know,” Srikkanth agreed, “and those fears aren’t going to go away overnight, but I’ll find a way to fight them. If you’ll just give me another chance.”

“I won’t be a prisoner in my own house,” Jaime warned him. “I can’t live that way. If we’re going to do this, I want us to be a normal couple, going out to eat or to the park or even just to the store together instead of skulking around like we’re doing something wrong by being together.”

Srikkanth swallowed hard, reminding himself that other gay couples managed all the time to lead normal lives, that he’d managed to lead a normal life before the fateful knock on the door, that he wanted Sophie to be as proud of him as he was of her. “Can we start with small things?” he asked. “I want us to have a normal life, but the fear doesn’t just go away because I want it to.”

“As long as you’re trying,” Jaime allowed. “I can only begin to imagine how hard it was for you, but you’re letting the bigots win if you don’t fight back by leading your life to the fullest. They can call all they want. Sophie isn’t abused. She isn’t neglected. She’s as loved and as well-provided for as two people can possibly make her. She has her own room, plenty to eat, and two people who dote on her. Whoever called can call as often as they want. Nobody’s going to take Sophie away from us just for being gay. We’d have to do something to hurt her before they could do that.”

“I know,” Srikkanth said. “The social worker even said she didn’t care if we were gay as long as we were taking good care of Sophie. I’m not entirely ready to have the cops visiting regularly because some close-minded bastard keeps calling, but it’s not fair to Sophie or to us for me to let that fear keep us inside.”

“Us?” Jaime repeated, heart pounding with sudden hope.

“If you’ll have me again,” Srikkanth said timidly. “Fears and all.”

“We all have fears,” Jaime assured him. “It’s how you deal with them that matters.”

“I let the fact that Sophie was the one threatened keep me from dismissing this the way I’ve always dismissed people’s prejudicial comments,” Srikkanth explained. “If I don’t protect her, who will?”

“We will,” Jaime reminded him. “You said it the first night. We’re stronger together than anything they can do to us. I just wish I knew who’d made the phone call in the first place. That little old lady across the parking lot always scowls at me when she sees me.”

Srikkanth shook his head. “I don’t think it was her. When I went to get groceries yesterday, she was outside walking her dog and asked me how my sweet girl was and why she hadn’t seen her in awhile. I told her we must have missed her, and she said I should bring Sophie over to visit her some afternoon. I didn’t know she could smile until the first time I saw her with Sophie.”

“Maybe it was—”

“Don’t,” Srikkanth interrupted. “This line of conversation is as unproductive as my hiding. We don’t know who it was, and we won’t unless they approach us directly. Spending my time speculating on who might hate us enough to make such a call is just as bad as hiding here. It’s still letting them win.”

“You’ve done a lot of thinking since Friday night,” Jaime observed.

“Yeah,” Srikkanth said, “most of it in the last hour. I came home early, obviously, and panicked. I saw you in the park with the other guys.”

“Paul and Jay,” Jaime said. “They live a few blocks away with their son, Kyle. I’ve run into them in the park a couple of times, actually. They’ve been together for ten years and adopted Kyle six years ago when he was an infant. They told me about somewhere we could get help, actually, if we ever need it. There’s an LGBT family center in town. I knew about the Gay Chamber of Commerce, but I guess I never bothered looking beyond that because I’m not particularly militant, but they said the center has helped several couples fight successful custody battles.”

“That’s reassuring,” Srikkanth said. And it was, in a strange sort of way. He appreciated the reminder that he didn’t have to face the bigots alone if it came to a fight for Sophie. He had an advantage adoptive gay couples didn’t because of his biological tie to Sophie, but that was no guarantee. Knowing resources existed should he need them gave him the last push he needed to reach for Jaime’s hand. “I’ve been miserable the past two days without you. Not because I needed you to help with Sophie, but because I missed you. Can we try again, without me being an idiot this time?”