Her Secret (2 page)

“Once a week?” I offered. “Then as the virus
ebbs in my blood, most likely less. I don’t know, honestly. We
aren’t even sure this will work. Terian was very vague when he
suggested this.”

Theo nodded. “I get that. The last thing, and
the most important, is that I don’t want you coming back to me
smelling of sex with him. Shower and change into clothes that you
haven’t been wearing for him. Can you do that for me?”

Agreeing to the last made me feel like what I
was doing was dirty. That made me angry for a moment, then the
anger was replaced by despair. This situation was repugnant, and it
would soil me in a way I couldn’t wash off. But the worst thing was
I had no choice. “Yes.”

“I can smell you’re sad,” Theo said, pulling
me into his arms. “I’m sorry that you have to go through this at
all.” He kissed me affectionately, and then pulled back to look in
my eyes. “I feel I should warn you that I’m going to go a little
crazy this first time you leave. The night’s going to be hell,
stuck here alone while you’re there with him in bed...” Theo
stopped, the jealously already thick in his voice, and then started
again. “Please forgive me for what I’m going to say.”

I waited, but he didn’t speak. “Um, you were
saying?”

“That I’m going to say things I probably
shouldn’t. I want you to know now that I won’t mean them. I’ll try
not to say them in the first place. But if something slips out,
just ignore it.”

Was he going to call me ‘vampire’s whore’ or
something like that? I didn’t want to ask. “I’ll try.”

“I’m going to call Danial now and tell him
these same conditions,” Theo said. “If he agrees to them, I’ll
bring you the phone to arrange tonight.”

I nodded, despair flooding me again.

Theo went in the other room. I watched some
TV, trying not to think about what he was saying to Danial. About
ten minutes later, Theo came in and wordlessly handed me the phone.
Then he went to the door, and called Ghost. Ghost didn’t need a
second invitation; he bounded to the door. Theo quickly let him
out, then turned to me, his eyes anguished.

“I’m going for a walk, Sar.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he
left before I could, slamming the door behind him. I closed my
eyes, tears threatening and took a few deep breaths. Then I put the
phone to my ear. “I’m here,” I said, trying to sound normal.

“I know he’s upset,” Danial said gently. “Are
you okay?”

“Yes. But this isn’t easy.”

“No, it isn’t,” Danial said, and sighed. “You
and I already talked about Saturday nights, which Theo confirmed.
Most weeks that will be fine for me. I cleared out all of them for
this coming month.”

“What’s your plan for how to handle Elle?
Theoron is so young he’s likely not to notice.”

“She’s going to spend Saturday nights with
the foxes at the werecompound. Cia will be watching over Theoron at
night, as she has been. Terian will be on guard duty.”

“When do you want me to come...um, arrive?” I
blushed, cringing at my choice of words.

“Arrive before dusk,” Danial answered,
amused. “About three or so. You need to get some sleep, Sar. This
first time will likely be the worst, and I’m not sure what’s going
to happen. I think it’s best if we leave plenty of time.”

“Okay,” I said, trying to sound brave. “I’ll
be there.”

“I’ll see you then,” Danial said. “A client
has been waiting on hold to talk to me now for a good fifteen
minutes. I’ve got to get back to him before he hangs up.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Good-bye.”

“I love you, Sar. Good-bye for now,” Danial
said tenderly, then hung up.

Hanging up the phone, I decided impulsively
to take a bath. Theo would be gone at least an hour in his mood. I
needed to make the most of my time alone, not sit here feeling
sorry for myself. Besides, it would give me a chance to sing,
something I did too seldom lately.

As I ran the water, I hummed a few songs,
then began “Think of Me” as I sank contentedly into the warm water.
Darkness lay beside the tub, her eyes watching me intently.

“He improved my voice a lot,” I told her with
a sigh when I’d finished. “Why did he have to be such a
bastard?”

Darkness didn’t answer, her eyes still locked
on me. I lay back in the water, suddenly disgruntled despite all
the happy bubbles all around me. As much as I wanted to stop
thinking about how I’d acted with Devlin and all that he’d made me
feel, the merest thought of him always brought my memories back in
living, vivid color. Then all I wanted was to be back there with
him as he sang to me and loved me with his masterful touch. I
wanted to see him again, see those golden eyes of his that I loved
so much...

I shifted uneasily. Guilt lay heavily on me
as it usually did in these stolen moments. Anger welled up at the
unfairness; right now, I was just a woman who’d enjoyed a man and
wanted to remember him. I pushed the remorse away defiantly,
letting my memories flood in.

Devlin’s eyes had been filled with fire and
lust, no matter how many times we’d coupled, their radiance
undimmed. But they had been most beautiful at the night’s end, when
he’d declared his love for me so passionately. I closed my eyes,
remembering his kisses, the brush of his fangs over my skin, the
whisper of his words as he quoted me poetry, the feel of his body
in mine, caressing me so skillfully...

I let out a long wistful sigh. Then I got out
of the tub and went to the bathroom mirror, and pulled out a small
vial. Settling back in the tub, I inhaled deeply, shivering in
pleasure.

I’d never attributed any particular scent to
Devlin. In the time I’d spent with him, I’d either been too
nervous, scared, pissed off, or in the case of our interlude,
overwhelmed with the many other wonderful things I was experiencing
to notice one. But when I’d been in the midst of a craft fair with
Elle and my mother two days ago, I’d known the singular scent
instantly.

It had taken the better part of a half hour
to search though the table of scented candles and essential oils
where the smell was coming from. Part of that was my instinct to
first try scents I considered sexy, like musk, sandalwood, leather,
and even Danial’s particular scent, which was like spicy nutmeg and
cedar. It wasn’t until I’d given up on the candles and reached the
more unlikely named oils that I found what I was looking for:
Myrtlewood.

I’d held the vial in my hands, knowing it was
a mistake to buy it. I wanted to so badly, desperately. So I had
taken one last smell, then reluctantly put it back. Later that day,
as we were leaving, my mother had surprised me with the vial as a
present.

“I could see you liked it,” she said with a
smile, handing me the package. “I know they’re overpriced, but it’s
only money.”

“Thanks,” I said, grabbing the bag in my
eagerness. “You shouldn’t have.”

The clock chimed in the other room.
Reluctantly, I conceded it was past time for bed. I put the vial
back, pulled the bathtub’s plug, and put on pajamas. Then I stoked
the fire, loading on enough logs to last until morning. The nights
were cold now, with winter almost here.

When I let out Darkness, my large black cat,
Cavity, was waiting on the stoop.

“What are you doing out there?” I asked him.
“Theo must have let you out by accident. Get in here.”

Cavity didn’t need a second invitation. He
dashed inside and curled up near the wood stove next to a sprawled
out and sleeping Jess, my black and white cat of the same age.

I let in Darkness and then turned off the
lights, leaving one on for Theo out of affection rather than need.
He had an animal’s night vision, and could see in the dark as well
as our pets could. I smiled, thinking of the evening we’d first
met, when he’d been wearing sunglasses at night. Sure, he was
impulsive, and quick to anger. Yet he was also very easy to
love.

As I lay in bed waiting to sleep, I thought
back over how we’d first been drawn together years ago. A shared,
magically-induced dream had started it, the catalyst a kiss. Still,
we’d remained apart, not knowing we’d each shared the dream. After
Danial and I had split months later, and he’d moved on to an old
rival of mine, Terian had admitted dosing me with a spell that made
a shared dream possible. When I’d called Theo to tell him what had
happened to us, he’d come to me. It was that same, shared dream
Terian had recreated last Spring that had called Theo back to me,
causing him to split up with Aspen. We’d married that same
morning.

I smiled again, thinking of those few days
I’d spent with him out West. They had been uncomplicated, just him
and me, sun and sex with the mountains all around us. I wanted to
be back there now. But perhaps the reason those days had been so
good was that they hadn’t lasted long. They had taken on a golden
quality for me, as the dreams we’d shared did.

I looked over at the dresser. The cougar Theo
had carved for me was there, in front of it the carving he had done
of me naked, my hair falling down around my body to cover me.
Though they’d been carved years apart, I always thought of them as
a two-piece sculpture, The Woman and The Cougar. Strange, I never
remembered to tell him that...

As I eased into sleep, Theo came in. But he
didn’t speak and neither did I.

* * * *

The next morning passed quickly. I slept
late, then spent much of the remaining time making chili. As soon
as I began chopping up the meat, Theo appeared.

“Chili?” he said, scenting the air. “Texas
Red?”

“Of course,” I said, giving him a smile. “I
wanted to make you something for dinner later. Do you want
breakfast?” Glancing at the clock, I amended, “or lunch?”

“I’ll wait for dinner,” he replied. “I’m not
that hungry.”

This was a first. I looked at him
questioningly.

“I had a few pounds of meat last night,” he
said, looking guilty.

I knew what that meant. I took a slow burn,
but tried to control my anger. “Theo, we’ve been over this,” I
said, angry and anxious. “You know it’s not safe for you to change
here, at least not outside the barn. All you need are some assholes
jacking deer to see you, and they’ll put a few rounds in you just
from sheer excitement.”

Theo opened his mouth, but I held up my hand.
“I know, I know, they won’t kill you. But they’ll tell all their
friends that they saw you. There will be a mass of hunters here
then, shooting at everything—”

“I know,” Theo said patiently. “I didn’t
change outside. I helped Ghost to catch a few rabbits, and then we
went into the barn and ate them together. I changed inside the
barn, Sar.”

Though grossed out by the idea of consuming a
whole raw rabbit, much less a few, I kept a straight face. Theo
needed raw meat as part of his diet to be healthy, being were. Elle
was the same way. Still, there was no getting around my jumping the
gun. “I’m sorry for accusing you.”

I moved meat around so I could brown more of
it. “I’m just worried and nervous—”

“It’s okay,” Theo said, hugging me. “I know
how anxious you are. I’m the same way.”

I leaned against his strong body, and tried
to relax.

“Sar, is there enough meat here?” he added,
measuring the piles with his eyes.

“It’s six pounds worth, what the recipe calls
for,” I said patiently. “You want more?”

“I think you should add more,” he said,
giving me hopeful teasing eyes.

I raised an eyebrow at him very slightly.
“How much more?”

“Say another two pounds?” he replied, an
optimistic smile on his face.

I laughed, and then got out more meat. “Fine,
you chop it up.”

“Sure. Hand me that knife.”

In a half hour, the meat was all browned, and
the chili was simmering nicely. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was
after eleven. If I left at two, I’d get there a little before
three.

I turned to Theo. “I’ve got about three
hours. Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure. Let’s watch
V for
Vendetta
.”

I resisted the urge to groan. Theo knew that
movie by heart now, even quoting some of the lines to me when we
watched it together. Still, he was making an effort. “Sure.”

As we watched, I contemplated the
similarities between V and Theo. They both had scars from torture,
and like V, Theo always was armed with both weapons and a plan. But
the most comparable thing was their aptitude for revenge.

There was so much about my life and his that
would have been different, if not for his being taken from me for
those years. We’d have been married for over two years, not just
six months. I wouldn’t have had Theoron with Danial. Subsequently,
vampires wouldn’t be hunting me, thinking I was the answer to a
question that had plagued them for ages...

I shuddered at that, and dropped the whole
mental conversation, and got myself back into the movie. “I wish I
had her strength, her fortitude,” I said, referring to the
heroine.

“You do,” Theo said lovingly, with a touch of
pride. “You never give in, either.”

I felt a momentary stab of guilt, thinking
how I’d given in to Devlin. “What do you like about this movie
best?” I said quickly.

Theo took a moment before answering. “That V
holds the course,” he said finally. “He never gives up, though it
takes him many years. And also the idea that ideals and revenge are
worth dying for.”

I’d thought that might be it. I was sorry I’d
asked. “I think it’s sad. She could’ve been with him, if only he’d
worn armor. He’d planned everything else out so well, he should
have found a way for a happy ending.”

“He wanted to die, Sar. He’d had enough.”
There was a note of finality in Theo’s voice. “Sometimes there
can’t be a happy ending.”

The stove beeped. Glad of the interruption, I
got up and added cornmeal to the chili. “This should be done in
another half hour.”