Her Perfect Match (18 page)

He opened his mouth to argue that point, but her lifted hand stopped him.

“This is a subject we never agree upon. Why don’t we avoid destroying this lovely moment?” When he nodded in acquiescence, she continued, “The fact is that there is something I must do and it may require your help.”

He lifted his brows. “
You
require
my
help?”

She nodded, even though sound had begun to echo in her ears, including the wild pounding of her heart. “You must recognize how difficult those words are for me to say.”

“I do,” he said, his voice still filled with astonishment. “Which makes me believe this thing you will ask of me is very important, indeed. Please tell me what it is.”

She swallowed. Had speaking always been this laborious? She could scarcely remember, her mind was so addled by what she was about to say.

“When we went on our picnic to the park in the outskirts of London, do you remember that I mentioned the village I grew up in was a short distance away?”

He nodded. “I do, for I was shocked you would share such a detail with me. You have always been protective of your past.”

She blinked, for she felt like the room was spinning. “I have been and I have reasons for that, I assure you. But being in that place, thinking about my home, has made me want to…go back.”

Actually, that was not true. The last thing she wanted to do was return to that village. But her list included the item “revisit the past”. Until she saw the place where she had grown up, where she had lost everything, where she had experienced the deepest despair of her life, she could not leave London. She could not start over. She had to put the past away, for good.

“You want to see your family?” he asked, brow wrinkling, for she knew he didn’t understand.

She shook her head. “They are gone from there, moved years ago. No, I just want to go back to that place. But it is not going to be a pleasant visit, I fear. And I would like to have a—a friend with me.”

“You consider me your friend,” he said, his tone blank so she couldn’t ascertain what his feelings on that statement were.

She nodded. “Perhaps the one who knows me best,” she whispered and that was the truth.

Even Mariah and Lysandra didn’t have the connection with her that she had somehow allowed with Benedict. It was a weakness, yes, but one her talk with Walter had helped her understand she had to accept, even if it was only for a little while.

Benedict got to his feet and moved toward her. She tensed as she awaited his response and was surprised when he dropped to his knees before her. He reached up and cupped her cheek.

“Vivien, I will go with you anywhere you ask.”

Relief flooded her as she leaned her cheek into the roughness of his palm. All her nervousness fled at that simple touch, replaced by a peacefulness she had never known.

It was a somewhat terrifying prospect that he could draw such complicated and deep feelings from her. Her natural urge to distance herself kicked in and began to overwhelm her earlier surrender to her desire to be near him.

She pulled back. “There will be rules, though, if you go with me.”

He met her stare for a moment and then laughed as though he had expected her retreat as much as he had not expected her surrender.

“Of course there are,” he teased as he pushed to his feet and waved a hand for her to continue. “Please tell me what they are.”

“You must not tell anyone we meet who I am or that I lived there as a girl,” she said.

“Will they not recognize you?” he asked in confusion. “You only left ten years ago.”

She shook her head. “I doubt they will. I wasn’t close to anyone there and I have changed a great deal in my time away from Sapsgate.”

A frown drew her lips down. There was no greater truth than the statement she had just made. She was not the same person at all.

“And what about—?” he began.

She shook her head. “My second request is that you ask me no questions,” she interrupted with as much kindness as she could muster.

He lifted his brows. “So you wish me to come with you but say nothing to anyone we meet and ask you no questions,” he repeated.

She nodded, though when she saw it in those terms, she could understand how cold her request was.

“Yes,” she managed to squeak a bit sheepishly.

“Would you like me to be gagged during our visit?” he asked. “Just to be certain I wouldn’t break these rules?”

She pushed from her chair and moved over to the place he had taken by the fire.

“Oh please don’t be angry, I am not trying to offend. I…” She trailed off as she tried to think of a way to explain her confused and troubled heart to him. “This is not easy for me. But if my rules make it impossible for you to go with me, I do understand and I shall make the trip alone.”

He took her hand and drew her closer. “I want to go with you, even if you will not allow me to actually be of some help to you. When do you wish to go?”

She hesitated. “I would have liked to do it today, but I realize it is past noon now and our start would be too late.”

He nodded, but she could see he continued to be troubled. “I agree. The drive is a few hours and if you want any time to actually look around, do whatever it is you wish to do, you won’t want to be there so late. But if you desire an immediate visit, what about tomorrow?”

Relief flooded her. Tomorrow she would cross this awful duty from her list.

“Yes, tomorrow.”

“I will make the arrangements,” he promised. “But I do have one question.”

She drew in a sharp breath. “But I thought you understood that—”

“Yes, yes,” he interrupted. “Your precious privacy on this subject. If you choose not to answer, that will be your prerogative. But I must know, why do you wish to do this immediately? You left that place ten years ago and only thought of it again recently. Why must you return so suddenly?”

She bit her lip, worrying the tender flesh. She couldn’t explain herself to him. She couldn’t say that she had to do everything on her list because before the end of the summer she would be gone, never to return. If she dared to reveal something so powerful, he would refuse to help her. He would do everything in his power to convince her to stay.

And she couldn’t stay. For his sake as much as her own. It was clear to her now, after the past few intimate days, that he would never move on with his life if she was always there, reminding him that he loved her.

“Benedict, please accept that I simply must do this now. I have no other reason than I wish to do so.”

She held her breath as she watched his face fall in disappointment and frustration. He wanted so much more than she could hope to give.

“Very well,” he finally said softly. “Then you have the rest of your day free.”

He moved to turn away, but she grasped his hand and held fast. “No, I don’t,” she whispered. “You see, if you would be able, I would like to spend the day with you.”

He smiled down at her in surprise. “Would you? And what should we do?”

She could think of a dozen ways to entertain themselves in his bed, but instead she said, “I would like to continue enjoying London. With you.”

He stared down at her, face unreadable, for so long that she feared she might have finally pushed him too far. That she had finally cut him off to the point where he no longer wished to pursue anything deeper with her than the passion that sparked between them.

But then he smiled. And she knew that he was hers, at least for a while longer.

Vauxhall Gardens burst with excitement and the chatter of the Great Waterfall bubbled behind the conversation of other visitors. Benedict smiled as Vivien clutched his elbow, looking around at the beautiful plants and buildings.

For the moment, it felt as though they were nothing but another courting couple, strolling through the gardens, enjoying the dusky end to a perfect day.

“These past few hours have been wonderful,” Vivien breathed, mirroring his own thoughts perfectly. “I believe if I could never see London again, I would be content that I had experienced its best.”

He laughed. “Why would you never be able to see London again?”

She shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know. Things happen and change, one can never know what will be around the next bend.”

He took a sidelong glance at her. She was so difficult to read. They had been close all day, she had been relaxed and open in ways he had never expected. All it served to do was make him fall even more deeply in love with her, for he could see a future with her.

And yet she still held so much back. Everything that mattered.

“I suppose you are correct that we never know what is about to happen,” he mused, treading carefully as he motioned to a bench where they would have the best view of the fireworks which were to start in a few moments. “Is that the reason why you have made so many decisions lately?”

She did not look at him and slowly slid her hand from the crook of his arm. “I do not think I have made so very many decisions of late.”

He wrinkled his brow. Was she being truthful in that assessment, or merely hiding from him once more?

“There is your sudden desire to learn the city you have live in a third of your life,” he pointed out gently.

She shrugged. “Once I began seeking out the pleasures of London, it became a habit.”

“And it has been mentioned more than once that the number of fetes at your home has been greatly reduced this Season,” he pressed.

She laughed, though the sound was hollow. “I’m certain I am not missed, but my free entertainments and libations are.”

He looked at her closely. She teased, but he could see that she truly believed no one who entered her home had any real feelings for her. A fact with which he did not fully agree. Several people had expressed genuine concern to him about Vivien’s distraction.

“And then there is me,” he continued, his voice soft.

The first explosion of fireworks burst overhead and Vivien jerked her face upward to look at the falling sparkles of colored fire. In the light of the rocket, he could see her drawn-down, sad face and it cut him to the bone.

“You returned to me after three years apart,” he said, taking her hand from her lap and stroking his fingers over the top. “And you have allowed me to be closer to you than ever before. I do not complain about this, but I continue to wonder at your motives. Why now?”

This time, she faced him. Another firework exploded overhead, casting her face in a strange blue glow that did nothing to diminish the seriousness of her expression.

“Benedict, why ask these questions? Why can’t you just be happy with the time we have left?”

He frowned at her odd turn of phrase. There was something quite final and dire about it. “The time we have left?” he repeated.

Even in the dim light, she blanched. “Today, this night,” she said as a means of explanation.

One he did not believe. The more he pondered it, the more he realized there truly was some higher reason for her sudden shifts in attitude. And even though it was clear she had no intention of sharing those reasons with him willingly, he planned to find out on his own.

But not at this moment.

“Have you heard about Dershingham?” he asked.

She seemed surprise that he would change the subject, but also very relieved. “I’ve heard murmurings, why? Has something changed?”

He allowed himself a grin. “Somehow the truth about his financial situation was made public. In White’s. By a creditor.”

Her eyes widened. “Good Lord, I do need to have more parties if I am so far removed from such gossip. When did this happen?”

“Two nights ago. The man all but stormed in and demanded payments. Dershingham was at the card tables and had already lost three of his best horses and a secondary estate. He rose up and threatened the man and both of them were tossed out on their asses.”

Vivien covered her mouth to hide a wide smile. “Great ruination.”

“Indeed. If my sources are correct, his world is already crashing down around him. Loudly and with some level of finality. And it is all thanks to you, my dear.”

“Thanks to us both,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“Either way, it is a moment a long time coming.”

She leaned closer and her eyes were lit up with more than triumph now. He recognized her desire for him sparkling there in the moonlight. “Do you know how I would like to celebrate and enjoy this moment?”

He shook his head, mesmerized and seduced by the feel of her breath on his neck.

“I can scarcely believe it to be true, but you and I have never made love in public before,” she whispered against his ear. “I have heard there is a dark and private corner behind the concert hall where I would dearly love to feel you inside me while the fireworks explode above us.”

She stood and offered her hand. A hand he took and did not resist against when she tugged him the short distance to the concert hall down the lane. Visitors sprawled on the steps, watching the fireworks with oohs and ahhs. Vivien ignored them and drew him around the back of the building.