Her Perfect Man (14 page)

Trust the guy who had never been on a date? Chad shook his head. Ephraim might be inexperienced, but he did have three sisters. “You think she will forgive me?”

“I think you’ve got a shot at it. You see her tomorrow at work, right? Maybe that will be a good time to talk to her.”

He nodded. He wasn’t sure that Ephraim was right. He fisted his hands, frustrated. He wanted to do something to fix this. She was next door hurting. He had seen the pain in her eyes. She had lost more than her trust in him. She had lost her heart. He wanted to fix it for her. He wanted to make everything right. How could he leave things the way they were?

He couldn’t, that’s what. He grabbed his Bible and workbook from the edge of the counter and let himself out onto the patio. The late-evening air scorched him like a draft from an oven. He clutched his books and forced his feet to carry him through the grass and around the wooden partition that divided his yard from Rebecca’s.

What was he going to tell her? He didn’t have a clue. She was probably thinking the worst about him. She had probably come to some pretty harsh conclusions. Not that he blamed her a bit. He deserved it. He had done those things. Shame battered him as he wove around a few rosebushes and saw her through the glass door.

Sunlight streamed in the west windows, illuminating her as she knelt in prayer. She was deeper inside the house, with the front door at her back. From where he stood he had a perfect view of her. Her head was bent, her hands clasped, her soft face taut with emotion. She looked small and vulnerable. Everything within him wanted to comfort her. Every fiber of his being wanted to take away her pain.

If only she would give him that right. He waited, heart knocking and fear thick in his veins, as she finished praying. When she opened her eyes, her gaze went straight to him. There was no surprise on her lovely face. No flash of horror. It was as if she had known he was there all along.

He had to hold on to hope as she slowly climbed to her feet. He watched her self-control as she schooled her face, gathered a breath of air and paced through the living room. She removed the dowel and opened the door with controlled, tight movements. Her face was a mask of stoicism hiding every trace of pain.

He wasn’t fooled. He could feel her agony as he could his own.

“I want to make this better,” he told her. “I can explain.”

“No.” Her eyes winced, betraying her sadness and his fate. “It’s too late, Chad.”

“It can’t be. I can fix this, Rebecca. I have to try.” He set down the books on the table, determined to make her believe. He had to make her believe. “I’m in love with you. I know I should have told you sooner, but I’m still the same man. Everyone makes mistakes. That doesn’t have to be who I am. I am someone different today. I need you to see that.”

“How can I? All I see is that article. All I see is that you made me believe you were someone you’re not.” Her face crumpled into sheer heartbreak. “That’s what Chris did. I don’t want to be fooled like that again. I can’t let myself.”

“I understand that. You have every right to be unsure. You have every right to be upset and not want anything to do with me. But I’m asking you to please reconsider.” His throat worked. He had run out of words, but not of heart. “Forgive me.”

“How can I trust you?” Her knuckles turned white. “What will it be next? You have shown me the kind of man you are and I have to accept it. I’m not going to let this be a pattern in my life.”

“Men who lie to you?”

“Men capable of causing harm.” The color drained from her face. “I never told you about my real father. He was a violent man. He hurt my mother often.”

Chad hung his head. It really was all over. He had never really had a chance with her. This had been wrong right from the start. There would be no future with her. No McKaslin family gatherings. No more bike rides. No vegetable gardens. No children with her smile.

He covered his eyes with his hand to hide the pain. Loss pounded through him like high tide cresting. He had been wrong to dream. “You think I’m like your father.”

“I think trusting you again would be a mistake. I’m sorry, but I just can’t look at you the same way.”

He nodded. He couldn’t blame her. A woman as nice and sweet as Rebecca wouldn’t want a man with his past. He understood that. And now that he knew why, he could do the right thing—what he had to do.

He squared his shoulders and swept his books off the table. “Goodbye, Rebecca.”

“Goodbye, Chad.” She choked on a sob, but she held her chin high, firm in her decision.

“Tomorrow when I see you at work, I will be just another stranger.” He wanted to reassure her that this would not be a repeat of her last relationship. He knew how to respect her wishes. What he didn’t know how to do was to stop loving her.

“Thank you.” She closed the door and replaced the dowel.

He couldn’t remember how he got from her patio to his. He only knew the moment he had someplace private he bowed his head and let the loss hammer through him.

“O
kay, Spence just left for an emergency church board meeting and the store is totally empty.” Lauren popped around the end cap and dodged the book cart. “Why are you working on a weekday evening?”

Rebecca winced at Lauren’s question. She looked up from the fiction shelves. “Spence called me in the middle of the day with a cry for help.”

“That’s not what I asked, and you know it.” Lauren grabbed a book from the cart and glanced at the spine. She hunkered down to shelve the book. “You have been mysteriously hard to get a hold of ever since you called things off with Chad. You’re not going tonight just to avoid him. I get it.”

“It’s still too fresh. Too painful.” Rebecca wished things had gone differently. She wished Chad was different. “The truth is I miss him. We had a lot of fun together.”

“Oh, it was more than that.” Lauren’s kindness and caring made it hard to keep sensible.

Rebecca blinked hard, determined to keep her raw, broken feelings well hidden. “I’m pleading the fifth on that.”

“You keep doing that, but one day you have to take the risk.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about really opening your heart and trusting in love.”

“You sound like a greeting card commercial.” Rebecca grabbed a book from the cart. “I did that. Twice.”

“No, first you chose a guy who you could never be truly close to.” Lauren slipped the book in place. “Then you fall for this great man. He’s a real Mr. Dreamy. What do you do? When he gets too close and too real, you push him again.”

“I had a good reason.”

“I heard that reason. Danielle told me.”

Footsteps padded on the other side of the aisle and Danielle rounded the corner. “Are you two over here talking without me?”

“Guilty.” Rebecca gave up shelving entirely. “You two have been talking about me.”

“Sure we have, because we love you.” Danielle gave her a quick hug. “You still haven’t forgiven Chad?”

“It isn’t a matter of forgiveness.” She looked at her sisters’ faces, both lined with concern for her, and she faltered. How could she tell them what she felt? “You two have great guys. Dani, Jonas is about the most heroic man out there.”

“He does have his moments,” she agreed. “I am very blessed in my husband.”

“And my Caleb is a two hundred on a scale of ten,” Lauren chimed in. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t relate. I know something about being afraid to open your heart and honestly let someone in.”

“Sure, I can’t say that isn’t a possibility.” Rebecca knew her sisters had a point. “But Chad has made choices I can’t accept. I can’t see him the same anymore. He lied to me.”

“He kept something painful hidden. Maybe because he’s a bad person.” Danielle sat down and stretched out on the carpet. “Or perhaps it was because it hurts to talk about it. I’ve been guilty of that kind of silence before.”

“We all have,” Lauren added.

Danielle kept going. “Sure, he made a mistake but you have to consider what he did afterward. That shows his character. Right?”

How did she explain to her wonderful sisters that it wasn’t only Chad she no longer trusted, but herself? And maybe there was another reason, too. “So, how does a person who is afraid to let anyone too close fix that?”

“The way the rest of us do, sweetie.” Danielle reached out and squeezed her hand. “You take a deep breath, lean on faith and go by heart. You try not to run away afraid and you remember that the chance to really love someone and be truly loved by them in return is a rare and precious gift. Don’t let it pass you by because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Life without love hurts so much more.”

Rebecca hung her head, thinking that over. Okay, that was good advice. Today had been a hard day. She had pretended she didn’t see Chad at morning worship. She had eaten alone on the garden bench. She had left work as soon as she possibly could so she wouldn’t run the chance of seeing him in the parking lot.

“Do you know the worst of this?” she asked.

Both sisters shook their heads, no.

“I miss him. I feel as if I’ve lost a piece of me somewhere and I’ll never find it again. I’m afraid he’s not the kind of man I can trust, I mean really trust, when push comes to shove. When times are tough. When I really need him to be there for me and do the right thing. And—”

“Did you hear what you just said?” Danielle interrupted gently. “You’re afraid. You’re the one.”

“He’s been in jail. Jail.” Like her dad. Like Chris would be, if he had been caught. That scared her, whether she had a problem with trust or not.

“I think you should come with me.” Lauren held out her hand. “Dani, is it okay if we use your computer?”

“You know it is.” Danielle smiled as she rose to her feet. “That’s enough of a break for me. I’ll shelve these books for you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be going home?” Rebecca stopped in her tracks.

“Yes, but my husband will understand. He knows something about how important true love is.” Danielle waved her away. “Go on. Don’t worry.”

“We won’t be long,” Lauren promised, tugging Rebecca away. “You and I will do a little research. After all, if Chris can do it, so can we. Then you will know for sure if you can trust this man you love.”

Chad hung up the phone. He’d had a rotten day, and it had just gotten worse. It had turned into a doom day. He stared at the fake wood grain of the kitchen table and gave thanks for shock. Because of it, right now he couldn’t feel the hard blow of disappointment—although he would, in time, when the shock wore off.

“You don’t look too happy,” Ephraim commented from the counter where he was pouring two glasses of grape juice. “I take it whoever that was, it wasn’t good news.”

“No.” To say the least. Chad rubbed the back of his neck. Tension was knotted up so tight, he could hardly move his head. “That was Pastor Marin. Someone e-mailed the newspaper article to half of the church members tonight.”

“That’s rough.” Ephraim set down the juice bottle with a thunk. “Why would someone do that to you?”

“I have a few ideas.” He wasn’t the kind of man to accuse or lay blame, but he was pretty sure. “The board knows about my past, but because of this e-mailing now some of the parents of the day camp kids are alarmed. They don’t want their children exposed to a man with a criminal record.”

“That’s harsh.”

“I can’t blame them.” That was the thing. “This is where life gets tricky. That’s in my past, but I’m afraid it’s all that anyone is going to see about me. I can’t go back and do over that bad decision. I would if I could.”

“This is like a double whammy. First Rebecca, now this.” Ephraim brought the glasses around the end of the counter and set them on the table. “I’ve known you since we were six. You’ve made one mistake in your life, and that’s it. It shouldn’t haunt you forever.”

“Thanks, man.” Ephraim’s support meant a lot, but didn’t change the truth that he would probably be asked to resign. This was a terrible blow, but losing Rebecca hurt more.

He took a sip of juice, but it was tasteless. His nerves were on high alert. Marin promised she would call as soon as the board meeting was over. He was man enough to take whatever outcome the board decided, but he sure loved working with the day camp program. He liked to think he was making a positive contribution.

“How did the day go with Rebecca?”

Chad shook his head. The last thing he wanted to do was to answer his buddy’s question, but he knew Ephraim cared. He was a good friend. Chad ran his finger through the condensation beginning on the side of the glass. “She avoided me. When she couldn’t avoid me, she ignored me.”

“You and her were good together. I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.” He missed her. He missed hearing his phone chime and know there was a message waiting from her. He missed hearing that little trill of a laugh she had and the sound of her dulcet voice. And that was just the start. She had changed his life with her sweetness, and now he was never going to be the same without her.

And it was all his fault. He’d been a knucklehead. He should have made sure he had been the one to tell her. He could have eased her into the shock of it. He could have explained everything that happened afterward that had changed him from the reckless, rebellious teenager into the man he wanted to be one day. He had a long way to go, but he was determined to get there, God willing.

The doorbell rang. “It’s probably for you, Ephraim. Maybe it’s Elle next door.”

“I doubt it. Have you noticed I’ve ditched the pocket protector—”

“Hey, you did.”

“For all the good it’s done. I have an ink stain on two of my shirts. No idea how to get it out.” He stood, shaking his head. “I thought it might get me noticed, but no. That’s probably someone selling lightbulbs or handing out pizza coupons.”

“We could use pizza coupons,” Chad pointed out, trying to lighten things a little.

Ephraim shot him a grin as he headed for the front door.

How had things gone from so great to so bad so fast? He rubbed a hand over his forehead. He was starting to get a tension headache. There had to be a reason for this, he figured. He wasn’t going to get any more upset than he already was. He was going to trust that this was in God’s hands, too, and it would all work out for the best.

Now, if he could get his nervous stomach and his broken heart to believe that, he would be in better shape. He took another swig of juice and tried not to think about the meeting or Rebecca.

Rebecca. He set the glass down. He felt so empty inside. He wondered what she was doing right now. Talking on the phone with one of her sisters? Stopping by the bookstore to pick up another book? Studying her Bible out on her back patio?

He missed her so much it hurt. Unable to stand it anymore, he pushed away from the table. Maybe he ought to finish his daily study, too. Do something constructive, at least. Maybe that would keep his mind off what he had already lost.

“Hey, Chad.” Ephraim called from the foyer. “It’s someone for you.”

“For me?” He couldn’t imagine who. He changed directions in midstride and paced down the hall. He followed the sound of Ephraim’s voice as he spoke with whoever was outside.

A woman’s voice answered him, gentle and dulcet and familiar.

Rebecca. Surprise jolted through him. He put speed into his walk, even as doubt crept in. It couldn’t be her. Maybe it was someone who sounded similar to her. There was no way she was going to forgive him. He knew that.

“Hi, Chad.” She stood on the other side of the door, looking amazing in jeans and a summery blue top. Her hair was down, and she seemed at peace.

His heart gave a little kick of hope. Hold on, he couldn’t go leaping to assumptions. She could be here for a dozen reasons and every one of them had nothing to do with giving him a second chance.

“I heard about the e-mailing. Lauren got one of the e-mails.” She was holding a paper bag by the paper handles. Her tone was almost apologetic and neutral.

The little hope he had fizzled. This was just like at work today. She was being polite, that was all. Crushed, he gathered his courage and held back his disappointment. There would be time to feel that later, when she wasn’t around. He didn’t want her to know that he was still foolishly hoping.

“I’m sorry.” Her sincerity was unmistakable. “I know how much this volunteer work means to you.”

He nodded, not really wanting to talk about it. He had taken just about his quota of pain for the day. But then it hit him what she had said. Surely he hadn’t misunderstood. “Y-you do know?”

“That article about your plea bargain wasn’t the only article about you in the Portland paper.” There was no hint on her pretty face.

He didn’t know what she was trying to tell him. Was she talking about the arrest? The reports on his hospitalization? On minor injuries of the people hurt in the other car? Adrenaline jolted through him. How could this get even worse? And why did it have to be right now, when he was down, that she’d come to bring up more of those painful pieces of his past?

“I can’t do this, Rebecca.” It was like a bullet to the chest. He grasped the door frame to hold himself steady. “I don’t want to rehash the past. It tortures me. I thank God every day that I was the one seriously hurt in that accident and not the people I slammed into. I can’t do enough to make up for that. I have to leave it in the past. It hurts too much.”

She stared at him with her wide, luminous eyes. It was impossible to read the wince of emotion on her beloved face. It was impossible because he loved her still. Even knowing he could never have the right to call her his, the love in his heart stubbornly lived.

“I didn’t come here to cause you more hurt,” she said in her quiet, gentle way. “Did you get my text message?”

“What message?” He’d checked his cell phone about an hour ago, around the time he’d found out about the mass e-mailing. There hadn’t been a message then, and he’d muted it. He was already pulling his cell out of his jeans pocket and checked the screen.

Sure enough there was a message. His hands trembled as he hit the read button.

Yes, she’d written.