Her Lover (80 page)

I
love him three exclamation marks now for the sofa on that first night the sofa came after the chorale he and I sitting on the sofa he being a man and me a woman so a man and a woman together and him in a white dinner-jacket all slim his black hair all tousled eyes so clear shoulders at least a kilometre wide and me sitting next to him looking quite adorable he draws near and I draw near too careful be sure you picture it accurately now first just lips then more than lips then snorkel snorkel me with my eyes shut performing like an old hand as if I'd been doing it all my life then getting very keen and acquiring a taste for it wanting more and beginning again twin mouths exquisitely tormenting and tormented frenziedly mtertwining at deep-sea-diving depths oh it was glorious and when it was over we began again and yet before he came along and I was at the pictures and they showed a man's hand on the back of the girl's neck and her closing her eyes in ecstasy I used to say to myself I could never no it would make me laugh well I can tell you I didn't feel a bit like laughing when you think about it the way women like men is definitely odd our kisses weren't aren't in any way lewd or depraved they're just the way we have of expressing our love of saying I am him and he is me be careful not to keep him too late tonight make cut-off point one in the morning sharp I'm responsible for seeing he keeps in good shape that's my job now it's not the smoochy stuff I care about what matters is that he knows I love him and I know that he loves me so kisses are very important but they must be more than just physical our souls must seek each other and mingle by means of our kisses oh oh oh and then in the dark you know when he leaned over my my let's just say chestworks I felt the sweetness of his love not lust when he smokes he holds his cigarette between his third and fourth fingers I hold mine the same way oh be honest there was a hint of lust in the dark I was vanquished and deliriously ashamed and then I wasn't ashamed at all there I was a jelly entirely at his mercy like a grateful native girl obviously it all came as a bit of a shock that very first evening we had kissing with tongues first and then that other business in the dark but if I went along with it from the word go it was because I had absolute trust in him and anyway if I'd played up and created like some posturing nymph surprised while bathing it would have been as good as admitting that something improper was going on basically until now what I've been is a sort of virgin periodically raped by awful lawful I used to let him do it because I felt sorry for him also sort of raped by S too and I used to let him do it because I was his friend and respected him but also out of vanity oh yes the stupid pride of knowing that I was desirable O Sol I'm sorry for hiding my pathetic little affair with S from you but I wouldn't want you to think that I've ever loved anyone else I've never loved anyone but you I am your maiden your virgin only with you do I S was nothing to me nothing he was a mistake it only happened because I was unhappy unhappily trapped in marriage I don't want you to despise me I don't deserve that I don't want to lose you eternity is each evening each moment I spend with you my lord which is why dying doesn't matter when it's me that touches them it's not the same thing as when he touches them and that goes to show that there's definitely something soulful about it something spiritual and proper anyway to do the things he does when he when he well anyway I'd need to have a bently neck like a giraffe why do giraffes have such long necks perhaps it's so they can see their enemies coming miles away but how come their necks got to be so long perhaps it came about by accident perhaps there used to be several kinds of giraffes some with titchy necks touch my neck well anyway the ones with titchy necks couldn't see their enemies coming in time and got gobbled up by lions there aren't any giraffes like that left now only the ones with long necks survived or perhaps it wasn't an accident perhaps the longness came about gradually perhaps fear made them crane their necks which got longer and longer and mothers passed it on to their daughters not that I give a tuppenny damn coming back to that first evening fortunately I never wear a bra otherwise it would have been an uphill struggle especially for a first time it would have created the most awful tangle first I'd have had to undo it then take it off like in a doctor's surgery or at least pull it down which would have been terribly embarrassing he'd have had to wait until the performance was all over and I'd have died of shame while it was in full swing and besides it would have been undignified common a sort of striptease whereas in the event it all happened without my even noticing thanks to bra-less state or anyhow more or less it was all rather unreal and fortunately it was dark O God I wanted to talk about how noble it was and here I am going on about bras whereas it was holy after all that's what love your neighbour means fortunately he didn't look when I stood up and did up the top of my dress I would have felt humiliated he's taller than I am which is right that's how it should be I'm talking more and more like a shop-girl I love having to look up at him I love feeling very small that's how it is deep down we girls are all alike it's only our vocabulary that's different tell me sweetie is he good-looking I should say he is the Apollo Belvedere is a repulsive midget in comparison he's nice but he can be a brute at times that's what's so marvellous oh damn he said a lot of things at the Ritz about that sort of attitude but there it is there are times when his heartless smile makes me weak with happiness and there'is that stony face of his which makes you behave like some fawning doll just so he notices you and becomes approachable I'd say one metre eighty-five I always thought Jews were all short his physical size is a reflection of his moral stature anyhow he's very handsome not handsome like your pretty young men but handsome because his noble soul shines through I've heard that all the girls in the L of N are crazy about him who told me that oh yes I think it was the awful lawful when he walks by the hussies all stare at him with their tongues hanging out like thirsty dogs the decent ones look away so they won't be tempted to stare poor things being stuck with the kind of husbands they've got you can well understand it when I was a Girl Guide I used to look up words in the dictionary for instance copulation it didn't help much I had a grasp of the general idea but there were details which escaped me before there was you I never kissed anyone the way I kiss you but you kissed lots of women you should have waited for me it makes me sad but at the same time I'm proud to think he has been so loved but they'd better lay off now I'll have to burn myself a bit to punish me for saying those two words burn myself just above my belly-button no you never know it's got to be a place that's well out of sight so burn myself on the sole of my foot with matches that way it'll hurt when I walk but it won't be visible it had to happen to me of course to fall head over heels for a Jew five centuries of Protestantism and that's where it's got me must remember tonight that my right side's my best but what shall I do if he sits on my left if he does say I'm a bit deaf in my left ear and tell him to sit on my right are you crazy or what make yourself out to be some sort of old crock no never out of the question if he sits on my left get up as if I'm going to fetch cigarettes and sit down again on my good side to ensure he's on my right a simple elegant solution I get awfully silly when I'm by myself rotten old cow she says insure instead of ensure rotten old cow she says domestics instead of servants put some logs ready in the hearth just in case it gets chilly if it does turn off the lights the two of us sitting on the floor in the dark in the light of the dancing flames the golden reflections on my face pull hem of skirt well down I'm glad he likes his uncle so much it's very reassuring I love the way his uncle gives him his blessing it's biblical I felt so thrilled and proud during one lull between kisses it must have been around kiss number two hundred I really admired what he said about his uncle but at the same time I was wondering if he didn't want to any more but then it all started up madly again we'll go into a church together and we'll hold hands I should have gone to a beauty parlour but I'd have had to face all those made-up trollops in their blue overalls and anyway they might have made a mess of me mustn't forget to put out grapes and peaches in my sitting-room they're useful because well anyhow in a while try on the Volkmaars lay out the four that look best on me then try them again just the four this time rule out half compare the two winners and select supreme champion if none of them will do you'll still have the ducky dress the neck's just low enough so it should be all right provided all goes as planned I mean a girl has to think of everything but it wasn't really my fault he begged me after my suicide attempt went down on bended knee to marry him he took advantage of my state wasn't in my right mind which means my consent was not valid but when it's him it's divine so it must be psychic which is a comfort the kisses must also be psychical but also exquisite still you've got to admit that to the detached observer the spectacle of wilful hungering mouths prodding churning would seem highly comical and probably repulsive a couple of carnivores mouth-in-mouth twin tongues unflaggingly snaking braided like initials trying to intertwine and not succeeding but persisting nevertheless and the result is uproar deep and probing yes exactly like a rampaging maybe deranged customs official furiously ferreting through your case and mixing up eveiything inside now that's enough there's to be no more about customs officials God what sort of woman am I I worship my lord and here I am up to my neck in water talking sacrilege I really am beyond the pale what I've been saying is abominable fruity kisses are absolutely divine but seriously darling I do treat them as sacrosanct and give them with all my soul so when he comes tonight countless divine kisses on sofa me pinned down under him as he leans down and on with the divine fruity kisses all flavours such as raging peach raspberry we're suddenly in calmer waters then off we go again on another ride on love's raging roundabout and then it's furious pineapple urgent apricot unruly grapes passionate pear demonic apple and suddenly it's cherry and sweet decelerating strawberry easy easy now O brother of my soul O Jan of Janistan me at the end of my tether mouth hanging open just letting it happen we're still in a heap on the divine divan and then there'll be pauses and I'll be deliciously drained dry my head on his shoulder like any mushy girl and then he'll take me in his arms and I'll feel more and more gormless and helpless and protected by the minute in other words absolute bliss and once more my lips will meet his lips juices flowing though I've centuries of Aubles in me and then him squeezing till it hurts a man and a woman and me unable to hold out any longer and wanting him so much to take my clothes off and look at me it's very nice being looked at when you've got no clothes on I love it and I let him do whatever he likes inside my mouth it's his kingdom oh yes and other parts of me are also his kingdom his property his garden and I'll want him to take the initiative and he'll sense it and then it'll be the other thing you know leaning over my chestworks I mean over one of my smosob if you must know that's right smosob smosob I say words backwards when I'm too embarrassed to say them forwards anyway there I am like some compliant queen being given her due it's heavenly begging him to go on and on and on the right one then left then right again and me grateful groaning purring politely in other words inarticulate thanks and gently stroking my darling's divine and tousled hair so that he knows I approve and am so very thankful and oh God don't let him stop oh I'm so primitive and then all at once I say I can't wait any longer and crave consecration I like a noble victim stretched out on the altar oh his narrow garden let him in let him stay I hold him there I urge him in oh stay for ever my beloved stay cloistered in your nun of love oh when he is in me and I'm not ashamed to say it because it's so fine so noble oh oh when he's in me time has no meaning oh and when he finds release in me arching bucking release which I feel in me I look at him and time has no meaning and I acknowledge that someday one autumn evening I shall die perhaps of cancer this I accept because when he exults in me I exist outside time oh I am made happier by the joy I give him than by the pleasure I take from him oh my love tell me you are happy in me oh stay stay that's enough of that I forbid it because it's all getting disgusting no not disgusting my darling love but you do see it's intolerable especially in water water's dreadfully subversive oh my darling please come and be happy in me no but really put your foot down change the subject if only on account of those two poor little angels perched on their tap you're letting them hear things they're too young to know about darling don't despise me it just comes over me it has a will of its own I swear I feel ashamed of being so physical but I didn't used to be that way inclined at all when I'm talking to him say just that way not that way inclined but it's not wrong to be physical when love's your religion oh oh oh as she chanted a threnody the ravishing girl cupped her breasts and touched the nipples damn not the same thing at all she exclaimed giving way to dreadful rage and growing incensed because he was not there she devoured a large bar of scented soap like yes a black lizard yes that's much smarter and in conversation casually bring up analogies between Pascal and Kant so that he can see what stuff I'm made of take up riding again he must see me on a horse a Greek cruise me dressed in white and blue leaning over the ship's prow and he by my side watching me like mad and me with a far-off look in my eye oh when I look at him I'm just a native girl standing before a settler or rather a Romanian peasant with long plaits and bare feet gazing adoringly at her man a good thing to try would be to hold your nose and eat granulated sugar yes dearie we adorable creatures get hiccoughs when we're by ourselves on original sin he said that properly speaking it was oh I don't know what anyhow it was something to do with man's animal origins in other words a sense of guilt anyway I don't give a damn but you've got to pretend to take an interest when